The new, consolidated, Paying for Dates thread

[fromheart]

And many women don’t like men who think this way? WTF? I am more than capable of treating somebody because it feels good and don’t expect anything in return. And I do it often. I’d never ever ever want to date, or even have anything to do with somebody who thought this way. It’s disgusting.

 

Thoroughly agree. Someone who expects to be paid for in order to be intimate has the attitude of a prostitute.

 

It's an indicator of things to come, such a person will clear you out financially if things go wrong.

[preraph]

Haven't read the whole thread but why do you expect the man to pay for you? Many men don't like this, because its like paying for a service, ie sex. Also, in this day and age we want a woman who can stand on her own feet, and not have to be paid for. Some women will get offended when the man pays for everything, which is understandable.

 

50/50 is a good way to go.

 

Yeah, and I bet they're the exact same men who do pay for sex.

 

You work these things out after you're a couple.

[Veronica73]

Thoroughly agree. Someone who expects to be paid for in order to be intimate has the attitude of a prostitute.

 

It's an indicator of things to come, such a person will clear you out financially if things go wrong.

 

Yeah, that’s not what I was saying at all. But nice try.

[gaius]

I think the disconnect for a lot of men who object to taking on the masculine role and treating the woman is that for them, it is transactional. They're not getting much of anything or anywhere if they don't pay. And sometimes they don't get anywhere even when they do pay. So it makes sense that they don't want to.

 

For guys who are successful however, whether you pay or not doesn't really determine the outcome. When I started dating my wife she offered to pay a lot. It took me a while to get her to our current automatic understanding that I'm picking up the check. Our relationship wasn't and isn't predicated on me paying for stuff. But if I didn't it would be like I was bad in bed or something. It might still work but we wouldn't have as close a primal bond as we do.

 

For women, the number one red flag you should try to avoid is one of these guys who has really strong feelings on not always treating you. A man can't wave the "I'm undesirable and don't have much of value to offer" flag more fervently than by having that attitude.

[Veronica73]

Thoroughly agree. Someone who expects to be paid for in order to be intimate has the attitude of a prostitute.

 

It's an indicator of things to come, such a person will clear you out financially if things go wrong.

 

Pretty sure there are very few women who think that a guy paying for her beer on a date means that she is going to have sex with him. It’s not transactional for everybody. It’s an indication of generosity. Not everyone wants to date a stingy person, (or a person that thinks the way you do). And if you think that means that a woman who is asked out and then is expected to pay her own way and is then turned off by that, means that she’s the type who would clean you out financially, or is acting like a prostitute, that’s great. lol! Honestly, it just goes to show that some dating traditions are good and show you who to avoid like the plague.

[Veronica73]

Also, I think there is an entire other thread to deal with this topic. But seriously, if most guys who are stingy on dates think like fromheart.... it’s a red flag for sure. I personally have not met guys that act like that... (thank you lord). But it is kind of scary to think that’s maybe what some guys attitudes are like when they go out with you. That they think they are paying for sex. Disgusting.

[Veronica73]

For women, the number one red flag you should try to avoid is one of these guys who has really strong feelings on not always treating you. A man can't wave the "I'm undesirable and don't have much of value to offer" flag more fervently than by having that attitude.

 

I never have thought this before, maybe because I haven’t really had to deal with it before, but seeing fromheart’s thoughts and reasoning about it... I have to agree. Not neccesarily that it’s The Number One Red Flag, but that it’s a pretty big one. Listen to your guts. There’s a very good reason it’s a big turn-off.

[elaine567]

Early dating is about trying to impress the other person, so that they want to see you again.

Being a cheapskate tends not to impress anyone.

[fromheart]

So you always buy men dinner to make an impression?

Edited September 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[elaine567]

"Men" are usually not impressed by women buying them dinner, that is not how it tends to work.

Edited September 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[fromheart]

Actually, any man who meets a woman that expects him to pay for everything, will run a mile.

 

These women tend to be the ones that expect a mans house, should they divorce.

 

Woman can work and provide for themselves nowadays. Gender equality means equality, it doesn't mean equality but with the benefits that came in the 1950's.

Edited September 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[Veronica73]

We should make laws regulating dating so it’s all identical and equal like it is for employment. That would make everything better.

[oldtruck]

Feminist verses woman, it depends, on when it suits them.

Edited September 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[fromheart]

Feminist verses woman, it depends, on when it suits them.

 

Pretty much. 'We're all equal, you must pay for me to make an impression.'

 

BS. Equality has a price, time for some women to act like adults.

[Veronica73]

Pretty much. 'We're all equal, you must pay for me to make an impression.'

 

BS. Equality has a price, time for some women to act like adults.

 

And there you have it. What gaius said about men having a strong feeling about this is a huge red flag...is probably right.

[oldtruck]

"Men" are usually not impressed by women buying them dinner, that is not how it tends to work.

 

That is a man's job.

 

Disclaimer I am married, but back in the day

 

Decent man dates because he wants to have a relationship

and sex.

 

DM pays for date, though because he pays for date

she is not required to have sex, though he is showing that he

values the woman and wants to keep seeing her. Willing to

not put the cart in front of the horse. Will wait to get a relationship

started.

 

A man's job is to earn and support his family. Paying for dates is

the man showing his willingness to support his future wife.

 

This does not mean a woman cannot have a career, earn more money

after they are married. Once married there should only be our money.

 

 

Wife and I go out she always pays.

 

Why?

 

For forty years she was handed my unsigned pay check.

Also my ATM. Honey I need money for gas.

[oldtruck]

We should make laws regulating dating so it’s all identical and equal like it is for employment. That would make everything better.

 

 

Us men have just formed a union.

 

Such laws do not go far enough!

 

We want reparations for centuries of abuse!

[oldtruck]

Feminists ignore biological imperatives of men.

 

If women were that smart they would understand this need for men

during the courtship dating phase.

 

They understand this biological need for themselves when dating

because they are complaining that men will not insist on paying.

 

Everything is not black and white. Needs.

Right vs wrong, legal vs moral, equality vs biological evolution.

 

People also confuse and cannot keep separate equal rights from

all people are not equal.

 

Men cannot birth children, they can provide for them.

[Veronica73]

That was funny, thank you! (I mean the little rascals)

[Veronica73]

I have to disagree. Somebody being a cheapskate and turning somebody off doesn’t make them a prostitute.

[preraph]

That is a man's job.

 

 

 

A man's job is to earn and support his family. Paying for dates is

the man showing his willingness to support his future wife.

 

This does not mean a woman cannot have a career, earn more money

after they are married. Once married there should only be our money.

 

 

 

That ^

Even though women also now provide for themselves, at childbirth, they are normally going to be reliant on someone else, whether it's the father or her own relatives to support her through the early months of childbirth recovery and childcare. Thus, it has become a tradition over many centuries for the man to show a willingness rather than a loathing to be a provider when the time comes.

[Shining One]

I have to disagree. Somebody being a cheapskate and turning somebody off doesn’t make them a prostitute.

I never said prostitute. We'll have to disagree, just as I disagree with your definition of cheapskate. I'd use that label for the one wanting to pay 0%, not the one wanting to pay 50% or their share.

[Shining One]

Certainly consideration is a bare necessity, and being told to pay on a first date with no forewarning or agreement beforehand, that would be a dealbreaker for me.

Why is "I'm being paid for" your default thought? Why do you need a "warning" that you have to pay for what you consume? Even in situations where I'm typically paid for (usually vendor meetings or special occasions with friends), my default thought is I'm paying for what I get. I don't expect any forewarning.

[Veronica73]

This topic cracks me up. Everybody is entitled to their own opinions and to date who they want to date. It’s when people start talking about feminism and think that because women believe that they are entitled to equal pay for equal work, that that somehow carries over to dating. They are two completely different arenas. And if you can’t see the difference, then I’m pretty sure you have some serious issues with women.

 

Dudes who think paying for your beer means that they are paying for sex are people to avoid. Full stop. That’s all there is to it.

[preraph]

Why is "I'm being paid for" your default thought? Why do you need a "warning" that you have to pay for what you consume? Even in situations where I'm typically paid for (usually vendor meetings or special occasions with friends), my default thought is I'm paying for what I get. I don't expect any forewarning.

 

On a first date, unless the man tells her beforehand where they're going and what it costs, she simply may not be able to afford to go. Women make less money than men, you know. Back when I was dating, I made hardly any money for three years and couldn't even eat out at all or buy anything expensive, beans, eggs, bologna, bread.

 

So I did get asked to lunch by work mates and I would say, I'd love to, but I can't afford it. Usually those asks were men. Sometimes they'd say, I'm buying and take me with them.

 

If it were a first date, because it's tradition and polite, I'd have assumed they were paying. If it's a first date through online dating, we know nothing about each other's finances and it's really too soon to have to discuss finances. It doesn't get much more awkward than some guy on OLD asks you out and you have to ask, Are you buying? Because I can't afford going out to eat (or Starbuck's coffee).

 

I didn't have a credit card or anything. They would need to tell me, a first date, that I would have to pay for my own and then I'd have to tell them, "Can't do it. Can't afford it."

 

You default to it on early dates because of all the stuff written above and centuries' old traditions and lower pay rate for women and because most places, who does the asking out is who pays. Where I come from, men like to pick up the check, and women reciprocate by cooking them dinner or baking them cookies, and if they're longterm, it becomes "our money," not his and mine and they figure out who can afford to pay what and see if it's compatible or not. Money is one big reason couples don't make it. Specifically, not having enough or someone spending too much and burying them in debt.

 

So all that in mind, when a guy asks you out and makes you buy your own beer on the first date without asking you if it's okay to go Dutch first, most women are going to pass on this rude cheap inconsiderate guy. Maybe if he'd been a decent guy and picked up a few tabs, she'd be making him a steak and baked potato next Friday ($20 value not counting labor).