The new, consolidated, Paying for Dates thread

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Date 1 - coffee or drinks - $4-$25

Date 2 - drinks, mini-golf, bowling, whatever - $25

Date 3 - dinner and drinks - $40-50

 

Or

 

Date 1 - coffee or drink (1 max) = $4-10

Date 2 - Meet up at the beach, park, or museum etc.. = free

Date 3 - Movie or dinner = $30-50 or make her dinner at home = potentially free

 

It is up to you how quickly you want to progress dating someone, but this could be over a three week period.

 

Granted if you want to meet 10 women a week it could cost you between $40-100 but you could easily swap the $4 coffee for one of the free dates options.

[No_Go]

I am just reflecting on a former experience of mine: initially I always offered, the thing is he always accepted when I offered (we never paid Dutch, if I'm paying I'd pay for both), and in a certain point I start getting annoyed although he contributed with home-cooked meals etc.

 

Later in the relationship (year+ in) however I let him pay for the Friday night date nights. It was never over the top, like $20-60 for both of us.

 

After we broke up he pointed out I was not reciprocating enough for date nights. I didn't want to get petty and point out that earlier in dating I was covering most of the nights out... Plus we were living together and I religiously paid 1/2 of living costs... Plus I offered to make a budget including nights out, but he though it was too formal.

 

I don't know if I did wrong letting him pay these date nights in the end (his primary complaint was I was not initiating - I'm more of a home body), or with paying too much in the beginning (probably emasculating him)?

 

This RL is a sailed ship, but I just wonder what would have been appropriate, and how to proceed moving forward in similar situations (established couple, both high earners)?

[Pill]

Or

 

Date 1 - coffee or drink (1 max) = $4-10

Date 2 - Meet up at the beach, park, or museum etc.. = free

Date 3 - Movie or dinner = $30-50 or make her dinner at home = potentially free

 

It is up to you how quickly you want to progress dating someone, but this could be over a three week period.

 

Granted if you want to meet 10 women a week it could cost you between $40-100 but you could easily swap the $4 coffee for one of the free dates options.

 

A woman would never be okay with weeks and weeks of free dates

[basil67]

This ^ is what you have to screen for. Use the word progressive in your profile to key them on your expectation, and look for cues that tell you she's a 21st century woman who considers herself fully equal and functional.

 

Of course, don't use the word progressive if you vote right wing. It will only end in tears.

[No_Go]

A woman would never be okay with weeks and weeks of free dates

 

Wrong - I strongly prefer the type of dates that she listed as free - like walks, hikes, trips to the beach etc. Especially in the beginning restaurants, movies etc are not great because they don't give the chance for collecting proper 'data', i.e. insightful conversations.

[Pill]

Wrong - I strongly prefer the type of dates that she listed as free - like walks, hikes, trips to the beach etc. Especially in the beginning restaurants, movies etc are not great because they don't give the chance for collecting proper 'data', i.e. insightful conversations.

 

False. Women specifically view paying for dates as investments and if you're not spending much then she's going to feel you haven't invested in her.

 

As ladies of LS have explicitly explained, they are not going to "feel like a lady" who's being spoiled by going on hikes and beaches.

[No_Go]

I'm expressing my personal preference, I'm a 'lady of LS'.

 

I'love if a guy invites me to an expensive place some time later, but hikes and beaches IMO are better for the beginning - less awkward, and I can get to know the guy better. The only issue is that it is seasonal.

 

 

False. Women specifically view paying for dates as investments and if you're not spending much then she's going to feel you haven't invested in her.

 

As ladies of LS have explicitly explained, they are not going to "feel like a lady" who's being spoiled by going on hikes and beaches.

[winny]

While I would like a guy to take the initiative and pay but if the amount is high I would like to contribute to it. Else I would like to make it up to him in other feminine ways --- knit him a scarf, cook dinner for him etc.

[bachdude]

I think the basic rule of life is, whoever asks the other person out should pay because they are the host and the other person is the guest.

 

 

This rule isn't suspended in dating.

 

 

However, it is deeply appreciated when the woman, at least on occasion, insists on paying. It says volumes about her.

 

 

I mean, what does it say about a woman who refuses to have a relationship with a guy who doesn't pay 100% of the time and constantly wine and dine her?

 

 

Blame it on my past experiences if you may, but it usually points to a spoiled girl, not a grown woman who wants an equal partnership in a relationship.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Wrong - I strongly prefer the type of dates that she listed as free - like walks, hikes, trips to the beach etc. Especially in the beginning restaurants, movies etc are not great because they don't give the chance for collecting proper 'data', i.e. insightful conversations.

 

I completely agree with this!

 

False. Women specifically view paying for dates as investments and if you're not spending much then she's going to feel you haven't invested in her.

 

As ladies of LS have explicitly explained, they are not going to "feel like a lady" who's being spoiled by going on hikes and beaches.

 

Clearly your theory isn't 100% because you have two women making it perfectly clear that these options are valid ways of getting to know someone without spending lots of money.

 

Isn't that a good thing?

[Pill]

I completely agree with this!

 

 

 

Clearly your theory isn't 100% because you have two women making it perfectly clear that these options are valid ways of getting to know someone without spending lots of money.

 

Isn't that a good thing?

I didn't say "spending lots of money", I said free. And I'm betting that's true. You would likely be okay with 1 or 2 dates where he doesn't spend money, or even a little money. But I can bet my 401k that after the first 2 or 3 dates you'd expect him to show some type of monetary compensation in one way or another.

 

And if you feel that's not the case, then you'd have no problem going dutch or back and forth if there was money to be spent. Considering the money isn't important correct?

[Pill]

Anyway dating has recently been interesting to me. I myself have become a very rounded guy. For example I am a culinary maestro so a woman waiving around the possibility of cooking for me as reciprocation for paying for everything doesn't cut it. Neither does the idea holding sex over my head considering I don't let it rule me and, TBQH it's the women who end up becoming dickmatized as opposed to the opposite. I clean up nice so I don't need someone to make me look good. I don't need anyone to clean for me or rub my back. And I make that known up front so I can let them know they offer me no incentive to buy them before I even know if they're bipolar or not. So it's been interesting interacting with women who think I should feel ecstatic to have the opportunity to rent their presence for the evening at the possibility for incentives in the future.

 

I just need someone to not be a burden on my life. To be an asset and actually provide something unique to it. But women make modern women seem like adopting a puppy. You have to nourish it, keep it warm, deal with it ****, a put up with it's barking all for convenient companionship. At the beginning if you're already expecting me to adopt you then it's already a bad sign. I don't want a dependent who I can't claim on my taxes. Puppies are much cheaper, and cuter in most cases

Edited January 5, 2017 by Pill

[joseb]

As ladies of LS have explicitly explained, they are not going to "feel like a lady" who's being spoiled by going on hikes and beaches.

 

This is actually a good way to weed out high maintenance types it sounds like you deal with a lot.

If a woman hates the idea of a hike, then fair enough but she probably isn't going to be my type.

[basil67]

False. Women specifically view paying for dates as investments and if you're not spending much then she's going to feel you haven't invested in her.

 

As ladies of LS have explicitly explained, they are not going to "feel like a lady" who's being spoiled by going on hikes and beaches.

 

You're talking about ALL women here? I think that some Ladies online are giving the rest of us women a bad name.

 

What about we women who think that a second date involving him driving to the beach for a couple of hours bodysurfing followed by the girl (me) buying beers and then a shag is a great date? This would be best date ever - especially if the surf was good.

 

Though of course, the opposite also applies: if you want a "Lady", who prefers elegant things over nature....or a women who plays the holding out on sex game.....be prepared to treat her as a lady. I might be wooed with beer and surf and sex, but a Lady will demand more of you.

[No_Go]

It is funny that you mentioned women that like elegant vs nature.

 

I love nature, for me a a walk on the beach for me will be an awesome (preferred!) date. However, in my day to day life I wear elegant clothes, expensive heels, make up etc. The two 'modes' do not clash. Women are not one-dimensional.

 

if you want a "Lady", who prefers elegant things over nature....or a women who plays the holding out on sex game.....be prepared to treat her as a lady. I might be wooed with beer and surf and sex, but a Lady will demand more of you.

[TheWhittler]

I have seen a few comments about women should not expect the man to pay but the man should want to pay... Kind of sums it up even when you turn it round to the man should not expect the woman to pay but the woman should want to pay.

 

Its a form of investment into the relationship just the same as physical and emotional investment.

 

It needs to be both partners investing in equal terms with respect to their disposable income that is budgeted for dating. Anything else just doesn't work.

 

If I go on a first few dates and pay and he makes no move to then he is out. Equally if I go on a first few dates and he doesn't allow me to pay then he is out. Even if its just coffee or something daft like that. If a man constantly pays to me it shows he lacks respect for himself. If I constantly am expected to pay to me it shows a total lack of respect for me. Both are what you guys here term as "deal breakers" to me.

[TheWhittler]

As ladies of LS have explicitly explained, they are not going to "feel like a lady" who's being spoiled by going on hikes and beaches.

 

Why not? I often choose hiking as a first date for several reasons.

 

1. Its no financial outlay

2. I can see if they get on with my dogs

3. I can see if they enjoy the outdoors as much as I do (so many say they do but actually they like the idea they just don't like being out there... bit like everyone has been bunjee jumping or race track driving *once in 1862* and then lists it as an interest or hobby)

4. Romance isn't about fancy restaurants. Its about making the other person feel special. You can pick a flower while on a walk if you are feeling enamored, you can hold hands, you can chat, you can compliment, you can show masculine and feminine sides as you go up those hills or cross rivers etc... Has far more "scope" for discovering about the other person than sitting across from each other in some posh restaurant... Save that for later.

[BlueIris]

The man I’m dating right now insists on paying when we go out. It’s part of his own view of dating and romance and the masculine role. I think it’s sexy as hell but that’s all personal taste. And that’s what dating is, personal taste.

 

That said, I’m OK with paying for things too but I want to choose what we do if I’m going to pay. I do not agree to paying for his extravagant choices. I was with a guy like that once, who expected me to pay my share to accompany him on things he chose. But I wouldn’t choose to go to New Zealand for 2 weeks. I wouldn’t choose to go to an expensive steak house every week. I wouldn’t choose seats on the glass at an NHL game (but I’ll buy the hot dogs and beers at the game). He was all about his money and how special it made him anyway, so in the end he was emotionally vapid, highly dumpable.

 

Those are two extremes though. In the end, I just prefer men who place great value on love and partnership and have the emotional ability to discuss money without puffing up their chests or getting their pants in a twist. Figuring out which are which is easier when these money talks do arise so talk money early and often.

[clia]

We had two drinks each over 3 hours and the waiter brought the check. As soon as the check comes she immediately goes to the bathroom, leaving me to pay. Even though it's only 4 drinks it's $50 including tip because she picked an expensive place. She gets back and sees my credit card on the table but says nothing and doesn't offer to split.

 

Why did you put your credit card on the table if you didn't want to pay? Just don't do that. I mean, you brought this on yourself. If I went to the bathroom, returned, and a guy had his card out, I would assume he wanted to pay. (And sometimes bathroom trips are the result of actually having to go to the bathroom after drinks, and not some nefarious scheme to force a guy to pay the bill.)

 

If you don't want to pay, then don't pay. No one is holding a gun to your head and forcing you to pay for her drinks. You could've easily asked her to go dutch when she got back from the bathroom. But I think you just like complaining about it.

 

So the date ends and we hug goodbye and of course she pulls her head to the side so I don't go for a kiss.

 

This means nothing. Some women aren't comfortable kissing a stranger, which is what you are, even after two hours at a bar together.

 

So now we've been texting here and there for a week (almost all conversations started by me) and I don't really have any interest in asking her out again knowing full well that I'm going to be paying.

 

How do you know she won't offer to pay? If you don't want to ask her out, why do you keep texting her? She hasn't ghosted, which may mean she is actually interested in you.

 

And of course she won't ask me either, because a woman wouldn't want to show a man she's interested at all, right?

 

Yes, some women like a man who will pursue.

[elaine567]

There is no one size fits all here.

Some women want their man paying for all the dates and some men love to pay for all the dates.

Some women will not allow men to pay for dates and some men will NOT pay for any dates.

 

People who love hiking and the outdoors will take potential gfs out on hikes, girls who love hiking and the outdoors will be very pleased, others who like fine dining and movies will take potential gfs to the movies and a nice restaurant and girls who like that sort of thing will also be very pleased.

 

It is horses for courses, there are no rights or wrongs.

Where it goes wrong is where there is a mismatch, and if that is found out early doors then so much the better.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I didn't say "spending lots of money", I said free. And I'm betting that's true. You would likely be okay with 1 or 2 dates where he doesn't spend money, or even a little money. But I can bet my 401k that after the first 2 or 3 dates you'd expect him to show some type of monetary compensation in one way or another.

 

And if you feel that's not the case, then you'd have no problem going dutch or back and forth if there was money to be spent. Considering the money isn't important correct?

 

That is correct. I never would have expected "monetary compensation" for my time. That isn't in my character.

 

For the record, I responded to a question on another thread before it was merged into this one which feels a lot more hostile and accusatory then I expected. Had I been aware I never would have posted.

 

I was only trying to give advice to the op to help him manage his dating conundrum. I did not expect to be interrogated for my views on dating.

[xyz1234]

I'm expressing my personal preference, I'm a 'lady of LS'.

 

I'love if a guy invites me to an expensive place some time later, but hikes and beaches IMO are better for the beginning - less awkward, and I can get to know the guy better. The only issue is that it is seasonal.

 

Another issue with hikes and beaches early on is that a lot of girls have their guard up and only want to go to places where there is a crowd, which usually cost money. Not many girls are down to go into the woods with a guy they just met on the internet and I don't blame them.

[BlueIris]

Another issue with hikes and beaches early on is that a lot of girls have their guard up and only want to go to places where there is a crowd, which usually cost money. Not many girls are down to go into the woods with a guy they just met on the internet and I don't blame them.

 

Then take a walk through a public park or window shop. That gives lots of opportunity to chatter and laugh.

[xyz1234]

If you don't want to pay, then don't pay. No one is holding a gun to your head and forcing you to pay for her drinks. You could've easily asked her to go dutch when she got back from the bathroom. But I think you just like complaining about it.

 

 

 

This means nothing. Some women aren't comfortable kissing a stranger, which is what you are, even after two hours at a bar together.

 

 

 

How do you know she won't offer to pay? If you don't want to ask her out, why do you keep texting her? She hasn't ghosted, which may mean she is actually interested in you.

 

 

 

Yes, some women like a man who will pursue.

 

Well when she got back she made no mention of having wanted to split. It feels pretty awkward to me to have the bartender hand over the check that I just asked for and just leave it there for 5 minutes while I wait for the girl to get back, so she can maybe offer to split. I'm pretty sure she wouldn't have anyway since she saw the check put in front of us before she went to the bathroom. And I'm not going to demand that they split on a first date anyway, I'm just going to think less of them if they don't.

 

As for the no kiss thing... The whole goodbye hug interaction was just not what I look for. I've dated girls who did the quick hug with no linger and moving the head away thing, and went on more dates with the girls only for them to continue that sort of cold behavior. I know she may have been different but I can only react based on my experiences, and my experiences tell me that it's usually not worth pursuing girls like that further.

 

As for why I kept texting her, at first I still did want to see her again or at least be friendly. But now she puts less and less effort into every conversation. Like you said, since she hasn't ghosted she may have been interested but I know it's fading as the days go by that I don't ask her out again (it's been 8 days). She could ask me out too though, you know, if she weren't utterly useless.

 

You know what, that's fine if lots of women like men who pursue. I'm a man who likes for a woman to not NEED to be pursued constantly and might give me a damn break once in a while and initiate something.

[basil67]

Another issue with hikes and beaches early on is that a lot of girls have their guard up and only want to go to places where there is a crowd, which usually cost money. Not many girls are down to go into the woods with a guy they just met on the internet and I don't blame them.

 

I can see where you're coming from with the woods comment. But safe beaches are usually pretty crowded.