The new, consolidated, Paying for Dates thread

[basil67]

You know what, that's fine if lots of women like men who pursue. I'm a man who likes for a woman to not NEED to be pursued constantly and might give me a damn break once in a while and initiate something.

 

When dating, I didn't need to be pursued. I was happy to pay for dates and initiate dates too. As I mentioned earlier, an excellent date would consist of you taking me to the beach and me buying the beers afterwards.

 

However, while my dating attitude may suit you, I wouldn't be able to get past your cynicism. You seem to have a counter argument for each suggestion being made. A closed mind does not make for a good partner.

 

Edited to add: The no kiss thing..... You've got to wait for chemistry before you try for a kiss. Nobody wants to kiss a person if there's no chemistry! UGH. Sometimes chemistry strikes early. Sometimes it doesn't arrive at all. If there's no chemistry happening in what you deem to be a reasonable amount of time, then don't take them out again.

Edited January 5, 2017 by basil67

[TheWhittler]

I can see where you're coming from with the woods comment. But safe beaches are usually pretty crowded.

 

Some popular woodland walks are too.

 

Also I would make the comment that if I didn't feel comfortable to meet them to start with I wouldn't be going anywhere with them at all... Why meet someone you don't feel comfortable with anyway?

[Redhead14]

This Woman Was Sent A Bill For Refusing A Second Date

 

This is a link to an MSN article about a "date" that came off of OLD. I laughed, but it does support my attitude about the first time you meet someone from OLD. The first time you meet them in person, its not a date. Its just a short meet up over a couple of drinks to confirm they are who they say they are and look like their pictures, etc. And, I'd go dutch. You don't spend a lot of money on this.

 

Beyond this, the girl in this article is dodging a bullet, that's for sure

[goldway90]

"I’d be grateful if you could send along something to contribute for the drinks I spent on you thinking I’d at least get to see you again."

 

Ayy lmao this guy is a piece of work.

[Gaeta]

Hilarious.

I would have included his name and place of work in the article lol

[OatsAndHall]

And... Yet another issue that makes OLD dating a pain in the a--. I spent over $100 on the last OLD date I had. I met a woman that lived an hour and a half away and we agreed to a hike and dinner for a date. It was going to be late, I didn't want to drive home in the dark so I found a cheap hotel room. We had a great date, hiked, went to dinner, went to a movie, etc..etc.. We had a lot in common and it was a ton of fun. She was going to meet me for breakfast the next day but I got a text saying she wasn't going to make it. I asked her if she was alright and she eventually said she just wanted a physical relationship. Yeah, that's what I'm going to do... Shell over money I really don't have a few times a month so we can have sex.

 

I obviously made the decision to go down there and we went Dutch: she paid for dinner and I paid for the movie. The date was fun but it certainly wasn't worth the money. Generally speaking, that first date is only coffee and conversation but this one was more expensive given the distance and the fact that she really wanted a "romantic first date".

 

Que sera... Live, learn and move on.

[smackie9]

women should start taking men out on dates......I did when I was single. I could reject them without feeling guilty. That's money well spent.

[OatsAndHall]

women should start taking men out on dates......I did when I was single. I could reject them without feeling guilty. That's money well spent.

 

Or at least agree to go Dutch. I always offer to pay for their coffee as $10 for a date is completely kosher. But, I have found many women that want to do dinner and possibly a movie and that becomes pricey, even if you're going Dutch. One woman wanted to have dinner at a very expensive restaurant in the area for a first date and she suggested going Dutch. The date didn't go well (she's not fluent in sarcasm) and the food wasn't cheap.

[Shining One]

women should start taking men out on dates......I did when I was single. I could reject them without feeling guilty. That's money well spent.

If a woman took me out on a date and I determined there would not be a second, I would insist on paying my share.

[Orlan]

If you know there is not going to be a second date, be kind and go dutch. And don't plan elaborate first dates or spend money that you don't have on dates.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Hilarious.

I would have included his name and place of work in the article lol

 

I can't even imagine why this guy can't get second dates.

[CaliforniaGirl]

This Woman Was Sent A Bill For Refusing A Second Date

 

This is a link to an MSN article about a "date" that came off of OLD. I laughed, but it does support my attitude about the first time you meet someone from OLD. The first time you meet them in person, its not a date. Its just a short meet up over a couple of drinks to confirm they are who they say they are and look like their pictures, etc. And, I'd go dutch. You don't spend a lot of money on this.

 

Beyond this, the girl in this article is dodging a bullet, that's for sure

 

So I read this...

 

He wanted her to pay him $52 for her half of the date but he didn't want his watch back? So now even with the $52 (that she did pay him...that's amazing), he has to buy a new watch?

 

Why did he spend $100 on a first date? I agree with what you ^ said here about going dutch, keeping the cost down and so on. It's a first meeting.

 

His drama was over the top. It's too painful for him to see the watch now...because of one date...OMG.

[GemmaUK]

I have always paid my own way - then later it'd get to he pays then I pay and this is even though all but one of the men I dated made more than me.

To me - it's just fair to pay my share.

 

Now though apparently a guy sued in the US and another in the UK for the costs incurred when no second date happened.

It was upheld too! The ladies had to pay up.

[CaliforniaGirl]

If you know there is not going to be a second date, be kind and go dutch. And don't plan elaborate first dates or spend money that you don't have on dates.

 

How do you know, beforehand, that there isn't going to be a second date? That's the reason you're going on the first date. To find out IF there's something there. If we knew that in advance we'd all be mind readers and there wouldn't be any such thing as dating. We'd simply walk straight to the person we knew ahead of time would be just right for us...and voila.

 

Now OTOH, if the woman insists on Dutch (so to speak) AT the end of the date...well, I've had mixed reactions with this. I've had the guy actually get angry at me and tell me I was insulting him. I've also had the man look at me and say "If you liked me you'd be letting me pay, right? You feel guilty so you're not" or something like that. OMG yikes. Awkward.

 

Nobody EVER knows what to do in these situations...face it. And when you're the one being rejected, NO type of rejection will ever really be executed perfectly, per your personal standards, because what's really bothering you is that you were rejected...face that too.

 

Nobody can ever win in the Paying Dance. If you agree ahead of time to Dutch that's probably the best way...I guess. Or just go for something less expensive than a hundred gosh-darned dollars worth of drinks?

[Shining One]

Now though apparently a guy sued in the US and another in the UK for the costs incurred when no second date happened.

It was upheld too! The ladies had to pay up.

I can't imagine this being practical due to the legal fees. It sounds like the guys were just being punitive. Any links you can share?

[JuneJulySeptember]

I don't care about paying for dates with women that go nowhere, very isolated incidents, and I didn't get that many dates.

 

Just don't take those women to expensive places.

 

Of greater concern, is once you get into a relationship, you start going out a LOT more than when you are single. Typically, I always am READY to pay.

 

If my GF offers, which she does some of the time, I will gladly let her pay. But if she never offers, or rarely offers, I feel I'm being placed with an unfair burden. But I also feel it reflects bad on me to ask.

 

As a general rule of thumb, if she offers to pay every 3rd time we go to dinner/events/drinks, and is willing to pay for half her share of stuff like plane tickets, I'm pretty OK with it. One woman I dated offered to pay maybe every 6th or 7th time and we went out a LOT. That was too much.

 

I guess in this sense, this would be a benefit to getting married and having a joint account since we make similar salaries.

[Els]

How do you know, beforehand, that there isn't going to be a second date? That's the reason you're going on the first date. To find out IF there's something there. If we knew that in advance we'd all be mind readers and there wouldn't be any such thing as dating. We'd simply walk straight to the person we knew ahead of time would be just right for us...and voila.

 

I think the poster was talking about a situation where you felt no attraction for him during the date and didn't intend on seeing him again. I agree with him, and it seems fairly straightforward to me. FWIW, I come from a culture where men usually pay, and even there we follow this rule - if you decide that you're sure you don't want to take things further with him, insist on splitting the bill.

 

Now OTOH, if the woman insists on Dutch (so to speak) AT the end of the date...well, I've had mixed reactions with this. I've had the guy actually get angry at me and tell me I was insulting him. I've also had the man look at me and say "If you liked me you'd be letting me pay, right? You feel guilty so you're not" or something like that. OMG yikes. Awkward.

Those all sound like bullets dodged. A gracious man would understand and let it be. In the cases you mention I'd just quietly step forward to pay my share anyway, leave on my own, and not see them again.

[CptInsano]

There are also some cultural differences here. If you're dating a Latina, you can basically expect to pay for everything in public. I've been to restaurants (in the US) where only the man orders, no matter how bad his Spanish, even if she is a native speaker.

 

On the other hand, I know many European women who will split the bill as a matter of principle, and even get flustered if you pay.

[Jj66]

Over the course of a dating relationship both parties should contribute financially according to their ability to pay. It's only fair, and sets the right tone for what I would want with a life partner. I'm not talking about getting calculators out and figuring each persons share. But just that things trend toward equity. If I make twice her income then I will probably ending up paying for 2/3 of our outings or maybe I will do the more expensive things and she the less expensive things.

 

I've never gone into it with a conscious plan but each new dating relationship has developed a sort of financial tempo. Women with more money have tended to pay for some outings, while women with less money have tended to do less expensive things such as having me over for a home cooked meal once things were up and running.

 

 

If I ask a woman out, I expect to pay. Period. It doesn't matter if it's a first date or if I have been married to her for years.

 

On a first date if a woman offers to split I would accept that if I had no interest in seeing her again. Otherwise, I would insist it was my treat and she could pay next time. If she still persisted, well I'm not going to get into an argument over who pays the check. I would agree. If there was any doubt about her body language I would probably assume she wasn't interested in a next time.

 

 

When a woman has has asked me out on a specific date she has usually told me going in that it was her treat. I always graciously accept unless it's very expensive, then I might say tha'ts very expensive... How about we split the cost? If she insists, I don't argue. Nevertheless, I always like to contribute financially. My favorite way is to thank her and suggest we stop for a drink somewhere. That's my opportunity to contribute.

 

On my last date, I bought dinner and she bought drinks afterward.

 

On the one before that I had gone to her house fairly late. She made me breakfast. We decided to go out for lunch. I asked if I could treat her. She said that she would buy so I let her.

 

So I guess that's would be alternating. But we don't strictly alternate. I might treat several times in a row. I've never got the feeling that she wasn't contributing based on her ability. She's bought plane tickets for me and has paid for hotels when we are traveling. And I have taken her on nice weekend getaway trips as well.

 

I think we have found a great way to operate financially without having to keep score.

Edited February 18, 2017 by Jj66

[divegrl]

Always let my man pay.

[divegrl]

Why not? I often choose hiking as a first date for several reasons.

 

1. Its no financial outlay

2. I can see if they get on with my dogs

3. I can see if they enjoy the outdoors as much as I do (so many say they do but actually they like the idea they just don't like being out there... bit like everyone has been bunjee jumping or race track driving *once in 1862* and then lists it as an interest or hobby)

4. Romance isn't about fancy restaurants. Its about making the other person feel special. You can pick a flower while on a walk if you are feeling enamored, you can hold hands, you can chat, you can compliment, you can show masculine and feminine sides as you go up those hills or cross rivers etc... Has far more "scope" for discovering about the other person than sitting across from each other in some posh restaurant... Save that for later.

 

I really like this. Sums up how I feel.

[GemmaUK]

I can't imagine this being practical due to the legal fees. It sounds like the guys were just being punitive. Any links you can share?

 

No, it was just something I heard briefly on the radio.

Fees for the small claims court are minimal or often deferred if a person is on benefits or paying the fee would cause hardship.

[MajesticUnicorn]

Hey ya'll,

 

Was curious to hear some of your opinions on who should pay for the first date. I know it's a bit of a controversial subject.

 

Traditionally, the man has been the one who pays for the first date. But I know that this has changed, and sometimes women will pay for the first date now.

 

The reason I ask is because I went on a first date last night. I have always thought the polite thing to do as a female is to at least offer to pay for the first date, expecting the man to decline.

 

Low and behold, he accepted my offer to pay for our date, which I was totally fine with, it just a bit surprised me a bit to not have someone argue with me over it! (Especially considering he ordered soup, an appetizer, and a main meal). He told me later on he found it refreshing, so I guess that's a good thing?

 

As far are most dates go I normally believe in taking turns, but I know first dates are a bit different...anyway, what are your thoughts on this? Would you be taken aback by a guy letting you pay on the first date?

[Miss Spider]

I think if he asked to you out, the only polite thing you need to do is offer to split. And then he should have declined your offer, imo! This would turn me off!!! If you ask him out or really insist to pay, that's a different story

[d0nnivain]

This comes up all the time around here. Do a search.

 

 

 

 

IMO the person who does the asking does the paying but it is polite for the other person to offer to split the check.

 

 

Especially on a 1st date, if the offer to split is accepted, it's not necessarily game over but you may need to explore each other's views on money & gender roles.