The new, consolidated, Paying for Dates thread

[edgygirl]

Everyone here is cursing the women who expect men to pay for dates; BUT... there are several dating styles and beliefs, and all are okay as long as it matches both of you.

 

I don't think a woman is wrong for wanting to see that a man can provide (specially if she intends to take 1-2 years off to have children); nor I think the men saying they prefer to go dutch are wrong - if it makes sense for the woman they're dating.

 

It's a matter of preferences and dating someone with similar world views. Discuss it after a few dates to prevent heartache and disappointments.

Edited December 16, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[greymatter]

I quoted the wrong thread. lol

 

Women in the big cities and The Northeast are mostly money driven.

 

That is the norm. There are exceptions, not many.

 

They expect you to pay pretty much all the time.

Also don't forget you need to have a BMW, Mercedes, Audi, etc...

 

Sounds like you might want to widen the type of women you date.

 

I've always lived in big cities including NYC and grew up in the Northeast. There are too many generalizations here about women, but that is certainly the norm on this forum.

 

I hate the car makes you mentioned (although my father drives a fancy Audi but I don't care for the style). I don't care what kind of car someone has as long as they do have a car and keep it clean.

 

I have never expected men to pay for everything and abhor stereotypes about women. Sigh.

[jimbo]

Only speaking from my experience. It was posted in this post, as because it was very peculiar on she changed her stance; in addition to switching off. I never said dutch. In terms of future provider or marriage, I addressed that a few pages ago. To paraphrase, when two people are in a long term relationship/domestic partnership or marriage, everything both (or one) owns goes to a main account; then an agreed equal amount is disbursed into two accounts for both to spend as either pleases. This is during dating when two people are getting to know each other. If one person is doing all the spending, and the other person is doing all the receiving, then something seems to be off. No one likes to be seen or viewed as a paycheck/wallet. That is not right. I know many millionaires; they've told me that they've also did the switch off thing. Why? Simple. They do not want the other person (some are gay) to just look at them as an ATM.

 

Fairness. That is all that most men are looking for. That was all I was looking for. Again, no one likes to be used as a wallet; let alone be disrespected like I was. She actually called herself a prize to be won. I swear, I thought I was watching an old episode of 90210 or Saved By The Bell.

 

If you are just looking for money, once that wears off, and it will wear off, what's left?

[jimbo]

I will also add some strange behavior, which I thought was a bit odd. Perhaps, someone can chime in. She would come over during the week, eat dinner with me, and then leave for home maybe 10 or 15 minutes later. So, she'd come at 6pm, she'd be out the door by 8:30pm. Hi, cook dinner, then leave. Yet, when she is at home, for dinner she has something her parents make or just yogurt. Again, please remember her age.

 

She was looking at a Pottery Barn catalog that came in and she was looking at different furniture. She then started looking into baby furniture, she said I will get this is and this for my baby. I said some expensive stuff I said. She then responded, you mean, if we do hit it off, you will not by this for our baby?

 

Each weekend (she'd only come over on Friday), she say she'd stay late or maybe even crash at your place. Yet, she'd be gone around 10:30. Every time, the same thing happened..

 

We were talking about her move to an apt. Over the last few weeks, she started to back off on the apt., and say, well then I lock myself in a one year lease which I cannot get out of. Or, if I do not move into an apt. with someone, it's just not going to work. I am not going to wait another 7 years to get married and have kids. Then, well, if we work out, I can just move in to your place. She then started to talk about room by room to change and switch. This was brought up several times over the course of a month or so. The last month or so.

 

I think she stays at her parents on purpose because she doesn't want to pay for the utilities and upkeep with her own place. Or, like she did with her fiancee, she moved into his place. She's never lived on her own... Nearing 40 here..

 

Nothing strange or weird about the above situations?

[some_username1]

Everyone here is cursing the women who expect men to pay for dates; BUT... there are several dating styles and beliefs, and all are okay as long as it matches both of you.

 

I don't think a woman is wrong for wanting to see that a man can provide (specially if she intends to take 1-2 years off to have children); nor I think the men saying they prefer to go dutch are wrong - if it makes sense for the woman they're dating.

 

It's a matter of preferences and dating someone with similar world views. Discuss it after a few dates to prevent heartache and disappointments.

 

I'm not sure about that, is it simply 'okay' for a woman to think that someone should pay for her? What would people think of a man who had the same attitude? He would be called 'cheap' because It's quite obnoxious and entitled right? Entitlement isn't simply a dating style, it is a sign of poor character. These women will be raising their daughters and telling them 'don't worry about money honey, when you are older a man will pay for everything'. Is that okay?

Edited December 16, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[elaine567]

It is now two weeks later and you are still going on about this woman...

 

Let it go.

SOME women are looking for a man to finance them, SOME men are looking for a woman to look after financially. It tends to work. It is not "wrong".

 

You are NOT looking for a woman to look after financially, so you need to put filters in place to exclude those women who are looking for a rich guy to take care of their bills.

You do not get to dictate what anyone does with their life, you wanted this woman AND you wanted to change her.

That doesn't tend to work.

People do what they want to do with their life, it is their life, and no amount of you saying "Its not fair" makes one iota of difference.

 

She lives with her parents and is now actively looking for a man with a house that she can seamlessly move into pretty soon.

She doesn't want the hassle/expense/upheaval of having her own place "temporarily".

That makes a lot of sense actually from her point of view, she wants a man to look after her like her fiancé did.

You were just obviously not that man.

[lovephule]

Only speaking from my experience. It was posted in this post, as because it was very peculiar on she changed her stance; in addition to switching off. I never said dutch.

 

How do you feel about going dutch?

[jimbo]

It is now two weeks later and you are still going on about this woman...

 

Let it go.

SOME women are looking for a man to finance them, SOME men are looking for a woman to look after financially. It tends to work. It is not "wrong".

 

You are NOT looking for a woman to look after financially, so you need to put filters in place to exclude those women who are looking for a rich guy to take care of their bills.

You do not get to dictate what anyone does with their life, you wanted this woman AND you wanted to change her.

That doesn't tend to work.

People do what they want to do with their life, it is their life, and no amount of you saying "Its not fair" makes one iota of difference.

 

She lives with her parents and is now actively looking for a man with a house that she can seamlessly move into pretty soon.

She doesn't want the hassle/expense/upheaval of having her own place "temporarily".

That makes a lot of sense actually from her point of view, she wants a man to look after her like her fiancé did.

You were just obviously not that man.

 

It's been five days, but I do appreciate your input. I like to get multiple views and opinions on situations which I've not experienced.

[jimbo]

How do you feel about going dutch?

 

Not against it, but it seems switching off is easier. No?

[SevenCity]

I'm not sure about that, is it simply 'okay' for a woman to think that someone should pay for her? What would people think of a man who had the same attitude? He would be called 'cheap' because It's quite obnoxious and entitled right? Entitlement isn't simply a dating style, it is a sign of poor character. These women will be raising their daughters and telling them 'don't worry about money honey, when you are older a man will pay for everything'. Is that okay?

 

If a man takes money from a woman and doesn’t reciprocate, he is called a con man and women often will press charges.

 

I’ve read a few threads on here about it. Meanwhile if a guy balks about a woman taking his money and not contributing he is cheap.

[some_username1]

If a man takes money from a woman and doesn’t reciprocate, he is called a con man and women often will press charges.

 

I’ve read a few threads on here about it. Meanwhile if a guy balks about a woman taking his money and not contributing he is cheap.

 

Gotta love the word cheap, it is curiously only ever used to shame men, along with creep. Both men and women can display the characteristics of being cheap, or a creep (or both!) yet only typically aimed at guys.

 

'He is cheap because HE won't pay (and neither will I)'. You can't make it up sometimes.

[lovephule]

Not against it, but it seems switching off is easier. No?

 

If fairness is a primary concern, I'd say it's far easier to ask for separate checks.

[SevenCity]

Gotta love the word cheap, it is curiously only ever used to shame men, along with creep. Both men and women can display the characteristics of being cheap, or a creep (or both!) yet only typically aimed at guys.

 

'He is cheap because HE won't pay (and neither will I)'. You can't make it up sometimes.

 

Ha ha ha! Good point!

[SevenCity]

If fairness is a primary concern, I'd say it's far easier to ask for separate checks.

 

It’s not about splitting the costs to reflect what you consumed. It’s about taking a woman out and also have her take you out.

[lovephule]

It’s not about splitting the costs to reflect what you consumed. It’s about taking a woman out and also have her take you out.

You and I are talking about very different things.

[smackie9]

This is a simple case of expectations about fiances. No ones opinion about it is right or wrong, it's just a preference. Some women like things paid for, some women are not comfortable with that. Some women expect the guy to pay for most things, and some women are ok with paying their fair share (that's me).

 

To me you just being a ninny because you like to argue about it and base it on double standards, women are like this, and women say that, it's bs blah blah blah. You can just simply make a choice here.......Instead of b&^%$*#& about it, just dump her and find someone that is more suitable, which most people would do.

[Els]

I partially agree. However, if a man pays for 100% of the outings, and the woman pays for zero.. What is the man getting out of this arrangement? A kiss and a thanks babe?

 

I must be missing something. Please do not get this misconstrued as two people who are significant others or married. Then, as I explained to this one, everything goes into one main pot, and each would have the same size blow money fund. Therefore, this wouldn't be an issue. During dating this is an issue.

 

As I'm not a man in my culture, I'm not sure I can provide a definitive answer to you unfortunately. However, from what I've heard (from my SO and others), there's a sort of pride in being able to "provide for" or "treat" the woman they love/like. It makes them feel masculine and desired when she accepts their offer instead of fighting to pay. Of course, if they DIDN'T offer, she would certainly be expected to pay her share, "didn't bring my wallet" was not an acceptable excuse for a woman with any sort of class.

 

That being said, we didn't "date around" much back where I came from, nor was OLD prevalent - we usually only dated exclusively, and usually only a person whom we already knew and liked (based on being friends with them), and most people dated with the expectation of LTRs/marriage. So this might explain some of the discrepancy. Certainly I don't see why a man would want to pay for a woman whom he's only met once or twice and isn't sure if he even likes, or if she wants a LTR with him.

Edited December 17, 2017 by Elswyth

[jimbo]

To me you just being a ninny because you like to argue about it and base it on double standards, women are like this, and women say that, it's bs blah blah blah. You can just simply make a choice here.......Instead of b&^%$*#& about it, just dump her and find someone that is more suitable, which most people would do.

 

I'm hardly a simpleton nor do I argue; but I appreciate your input. Just posting facts as they played out.

[jimbo]

As I'm not a man in my culture, I'm not sure I can provide a definitive answer to you unfortunately. However, from what I've heard (from my SO and others), there's a sort of pride in being able to "provide for" or "treat" the woman they love/like. It makes them feel masculine and desired when she accepts their offer instead of fighting to pay. Of course, if they DIDN'T offer, she would certainly be expected to pay her share, "didn't bring my wallet" was not an acceptable excuse for a woman with any sort of class.

 

That being said, we didn't "date around" much back where I came from, nor was OLD prevalent - we usually only dated exclusively, and usually only a person whom we already knew and liked (based on being friends with them), and most people dated with the expectation of LTRs/marriage. So this might explain some of the discrepancy. Certainly I don't see why a man would want to pay for a woman whom he's only met once or twice and isn't sure if he even likes, or if she wants a LTR with him.

 

Agreed. I do not multi date either. I really do not know how people do this and are able to form a bond.

[lovephule]

Just posting facts as they played out.

OP you mentioned that she called you daily. How often did you call her? Just looking to get the lay of the land here.

[jimbo]

Usually after work if I didn't hear from her; however I'd also text her during the day sometimes to check on seeing how she's doing when she was going through some issues at work or just to say hey.

[jimbo]

TBH, I'd prob. still give it a chance if she didn't bug out like she did, then leave to hang with her friends last week. When I added all these issues together:

 

1) Not wanting to share expenses.

2) Holding out with intimacy, but claiming she needs close intimacy as well.

3) Demands and strict expectations and timeline for whom she sees.

4) Zero independence.

5) Blowing things out of proportion (multiple times, not the first one above).

6) Staying on dating sites even telling me that she's off, she doesn't know why it still shows her online and active.

7) Demands and I (she) wants.

8) No control over spending.

10) Lying about earning income. Apparently, she earns 4k a weekend watching her neighbors dogs, but still has 10k in CC debt? Doesn't add up.

11) Considering herself a prize to be won.

 

Thus, I said I am not what you are looking for, and take care. I probably could had milked it longer just to get sex, but that is not me. I cannot use a woman like that. I know, this is not the norm these days, but it is the norm for me.

 

The final nail in the coffin was for her to belittle me by texting yea, monetary insecurities got in the way of our relationship. Just makes me feel she was only looking for a financial provider and nothing else. And, if some men are good with that, okay. I always try to end things on a neutral note so no one feels taken advantaged of. Somehow, it never works that way.

 

If you could believe this, I will share one more tidbit. She called a couple of weeks ago and intimacy came up. I tried to steer the conversation away from this as she was speaker and other people in the car would hear our conversation. She would say about intimacy, I am just not ready yet (do not forget, she was ripping my clothes off on the 3rd date) and I do not want you to be frustrated. If you cannot wait, then you can f@ck anyone you wish. It's your call. I really thought that was a weird comment and the way she put it (not the first time either), she couldn't care less. Hence, I felt I was a placeholder until something better came along.

 

Strangely enough, my buddies say don't be surprised if she reaches out to you in a few weeks. I highly doubt it. What's done is done. I am just expressing my opinion on this experience to all who want some entertainment. As with all opinions, everyone has one.

[edgygirl]

My brother in law has been my sis & family provider since they married 30y ago. I think it comes down to how a man feels about it. It doesn't seem to bother him in the least. I don't think they ever even talked about it. Why does it bother some men so much and doesn't bother others, I wonder? Is it due to how much money they have, or is it something else?

 

If it's something else ("I'm not her ATM") - I see it as lack of generosity and I'd prefer not to be with a man like this. No matter how much money my partner has, I'd probably still work as I need intellectual stimulation. But I'd personally avoid a stingy partner.

[No_Go]

she earns 4k a weekend watching her neighbors dogs - now, I'm raising my hand to watch her neighbors dogs as well - they must poop pure gold for their daycare o be quantified at that price :lmao:

 

For real - this woman is not a 'prize' of any sort - she's a liability someone unlucky or bored enough to listen to her nonsensical stories will have to put up with.

 

I'm going to bet money she is:

1) unemployed and / or dead broke

2) mentally unstable (or pretending so, so momma will keep taking care of her despite her being middle-aged)

3) desperate to snatch a sugar daddy but restricted in her options because of her age, 1) and 2)....

[Shining One]

is it something else?

I'd personally avoid a stingy partner.

You provided one possible reason yourself. Some men don't want to be with a stingy partner.