The new, consolidated, Paying for Dates thread

[Els]

These are not mutually exclusive. Someone can expect the other party to pay and be more attracted as a result. Someone can also expect the other party not to pay and not experience increased attraction when the other party surprises them and does pay.

 

No one is saying that they are mutually exclusive, they're just different. So when some posters talk like the two are one and the same, a disconnect obviously occurs.

 

I only go dutch with casual acquaintances. I take turns with my close friends. Two people on the first date are just acquaintances though. They're "nothing" yet.

 

I can't comment on this - I've only dated people whom I already knew prior to being asked out. That being said you are free to do whatever you choose to do - I'm merely explaining how it feels like to me.

[fitnessfan365]

I guarantee if I cooked dinner, which will be a likely possibility if we continued dating, more money would be spent on the ingredients I buy, plus my time and expensive cookware and cookbooks, than whatever dinner he's buying me. It works out in the end.

 

A woman that cooks keeps me happy. Especially if she's in a tiny apron.

 

But that's what a good traditional woman does. The man takes care of the details on dates (with her being generous from time to time) and she does little things to keep him happy. Stay in shape and wear sexy outfits, cooks, be supportive and loyal, etc.. But don't worry, I am fully prepared to load the dishwasher if my woman makes dinner for me. I'll even through in a massage and oral delights to boot.

[gaius]

There may actually be something to this. I just figured it was the thoughtfulness aspect?

 

I don't know. I feel like whoever invites the other on the date should pay. Regardless of gender. The pursuer should pay.

There are some women out there who genuinely want to be the guy in a relationship, and who that might work out fine for, but they're a very small minority. Most who go dutch and advocate asking guys out probably do so because they've never really been made to feel feminine in that way before. They don't know how good it can be and end up doing themselves a disservice. Or they just don't have any better options. =/

[Shining One]

I'm also mindful enough to order modestly, no drinks or desserts.

Not everyone is as considerate as you are. Dinner alone isn't too bad. It's the drinks that really add up.

The man not paying (especially for the first few dates) is just a small indicator of what I might expect on a larger scale of a combined life together, like who is expected to take out the trash or who will be responsible for laundry or who drives. I would not be dating a man who made me drive all the time either.

This really isn't a good indicator. Using myself as an example, my girlfriend has experienced far more generosity and spent less time driving since she became my girlfriend. She went from paying for half our dates to paying for maybe 1/10. I almost always pick her up as well.

It works out in the end.

It works out in the end if the guy makes it past the initial dating stage. I'm guessing you don't cook dinner for guys you reject at date four or five.

[Shining One]

No one is saying that they are mutually exclusive, they're just different. So when some posters talk like the two are one and the same, a disconnect obviously occurs.

Point taken.

I can't comment on this - I've only dated people whom I already knew prior to being asked out. That being said you are free to do whatever you choose to do - I'm merely explaining how it feels like to me.

This makes sense. Most of my first dates have been with strangers met on OLD. I'd be more inclined to pay for a first date if it's someone I know well.

[abby_tx]

I went out on a dinner date with a guy Saturday night. When the bill came, he immediately said, "Let's split it down the middle" even though his meal actually was more expensive than mine.

 

The waitress ran my card but told him his was declined. He asked her to try three more times. He sat there sorta dumb-struck. I finally said, "I'll just cover your half too." We're both in our late 20's/early 30's, a time when you should have finances in order. My patience for this kind of stuff is at a minimum. Even though I didn't have chemistry and zero attraction, I thought I might give him a second date to see if it could develop, but this made me lose desire for that second date. Did I do the right thing? Would any of you give him another try?

 

Question for the guys. Do you offer to pay for the woman's meal/drinks on a first date? I feel like this is less common. The last few dates I've been on, the guy never offers to pay. In a way, it might be nice to have him at least offer. It shows they want to take care of you.

[abby_tx]

I wrote the above post before realizing there was a whole thread dedicated to it. Ignore my question as I see the answer is already here. ha

[fitnessfan365]

I went out on a dinner date with a guy Saturday night. When the bill came, he immediately said, "Let's split it down the middle" even though his meal actually was more expensive than mine.

 

The waitress ran my card but told him his was declined. He asked her to try three more times. He sat there sorta dumb-struck. I finally said, "I'll just cover your half too." We're both in our late 20's/early 30's, a time when you should have finances in order. My patience for this kind of stuff is at a minimum. Even though I didn't have chemistry and zero attraction, I thought I might give him a second date to see if it could develop, but this made me lose desire for that second date. Did I do the right thing? Would any of you give him another try?

 

Question for the guys. Do you offer to pay for the woman's meal/drinks on a first date? I feel like this is less common. The last few dates I've been on, the guy never offers to pay. In a way, it might be nice to have him at least offer. It shows they want to take care of you.

 

Haha.. Talk about awkward. I always take care of the details (plans/paying) most of the time in a relationship. Especially in the beginning. I'm more of a traditional gentleman and find that dynamic sexy. When a woman has proven herself and shown good intentions, I love doing more expensive dates.

 

But in the beginning especially, I like doing low key, inexpensive, and creative dates. If a woman likes me for me, she'll appreciate the originality and my company. She won't need expensive dinners. The ones that are high maintenance in that regard are easy to dismiss. Plus, since I date multiple women until I'm exclusive, it wouldn't be financially practical for me to spend hundreds of dollars a week on dinners every single week either.

 

First dates should always be low key and low pressure. I love ice cream or choosing an outdoor venue where you can walk/chat, and listen to free live music. Dinners work better later on after romance is forming and you want to be in a more intimate setting. Being stuck at a table on a first date feels like an interview.

[abby_tx]

... Being stuck at a table on a first date feels like an interview.

 

Yes! I have felt this 'interview' vibe on my last few dates and it didn't occur to me why until this. I think I'll try to find more activity-based first dates to see if we connect better.

[fitnessfan365]

Yes! I have felt this 'interview' vibe on my last few dates and it didn't occur to me why until this. I think I'll try to find more activity-based first dates to see if we connect better.

 

It's also because of the pressure of doing a more expensive dinner. Both people feel like they have to perform. The guy to get his "money's worth" and the woman to avoid feeling guilty of a stranger spending a lot of money on her.

 

But if you meet for ice cream and have a single scoop a piece, that costs $5-10 tops. So it remains extremely casual and low key. Plus ice cream is something you can eat on the go. You don't have to be stuck at a table. Ice cream on a first date is also great, but you can use it as a simple personality assessment by seeing what flavor she gets.

[PumpkinLumpkin]

Ice cream on a first date is also great, but you can use it as a simple personality assessment by seeing what flavor she gets.

 

If she orders vanilla nut cream and he orders cherry, it's going to be a long, hot evening.

[JuneJulySeptember]

The poll is a more useful indicator.

 

Right now, it's at about 20% of women want men to pay, and 80% don't give a ****e.

 

I think that sounds pretty accurate actually.

 

My personal opinion is that my perfect woman, everything is split down the middle. Equal income, equal assets. No power tilt, no influence.

 

I have a family member who is married to a guy who makes zero money. They fly all over the place and she pays for his plane tickets. That is the kind of power imbalance you don't want.

Edited April 26, 2015 by JuneJulySeptember

[Rejected Rosebud]

It's as biological a way to stimulate a woman as paying attention to her clit.

no it's not and sorry but I think that is kind of a nasty thing to say, you probably don't have a very good understanding of women. The feeling of enjoyment from getting treated to a lovely time is not like somebody playing with your privates. :sick:

[Rejected Rosebud]

what makes me feel feminine and what makes me think the guy is being chivalrous and romantic is when he opens doors for me, places his hand gently on my lower back when we're entering a building or when we're about to sit down at a table

that is romantic and very traditional, I bet a guy who does those things is also expecting (happily) to pay for the mea!! I don't think any guy who opens the door for you is going to ask the waitress to split the check, but maybe!

[abby_tx]

...That being said, what makes me feel feminine and what makes me think the guy is being chivalrous and romantic is when he opens doors for me, places his hand gently on my lower back when we're entering a building or when we're about to sit down at a table...

 

Ahh, this made me get butterflies in my stomach recalling the last guy who did this. This spring I met a friend's friend who was 10+ years older than me. We had to wait in a long, winding line and each time we walked through a doorway, he let me go first and placed his hand on my lower back. It sent shivers down my spine. Of course then I was too afraid to ever ask him out and since, I've been going out with younger guys with declined credit cards, zero manners, and no confidence.

[smackie9]

This is what it boils down to....everyone has a different view on how they like to date. If you are traditional, obviously you want to date someone who has traditional values etc. It's about compatibility and expectations....we all have them. So if you expect a guy to be to one to pay, and your date wants to just split the bill, then obviously they are not the one for you. There is no crime. That is what dating is all about....you have to kick some tires to find the right one for you.

[smg15]

It's also because of the pressure of doing a more expensive dinner. Both people feel like they have to perform. The guy to get his "money's worth" and the woman to avoid feeling guilty of a stranger spending a lot of money on her.

 

But if you meet for ice cream and have a single scoop a piece, that costs $5-10 tops. So it remains extremely casual and low key. Plus ice cream is something you can eat on the go. You don't have to be stuck at a table. Ice cream on a first date is also great, but you can use it as a simple personality assessment by seeing what flavor she gets.

 

I suggested a ice cream date for a first meet and told it was for high schoolers. lol

[katiegrl]

I suggested a ice cream date for a first meet and told it was for high schoolers. lol

 

That is actually pretty funny!

 

Not surprising though...

 

p.s. check your private messages.

[SawtoothMars]

I went out on a dinner date with a guy Saturday night. When the bill came, he immediately said, "Let's split it down the middle" even though his meal actually was more expensive than mine.

The waitress ran my card but told him his was declined. He asked her to try three more times. He sat there sorta dumb-struck. I finally said, "I'll just cover your half too." We're both in our late 20's/early 30's, a time when you should have finances in order. My patience for this kind of stuff is at a minimum. Even though I didn't have chemistry and zero attraction, I thought I might give him a second date to see if it could develop, but this made me lose desire for that second date. Did I do the right thing? Would any of you give him another try?

Question for the guys. Do you offer to pay for the woman's meal/drinks on a first date? I feel like this is less common. The last few dates I've been on, the guy never offers to pay. In a way, it might be nice to have him at least offer. It shows they want to take care of you.

 

I can't say if you did the right thing or not.

 

When I first started dating after my divorce I went out with this really nice, cute girl... maybe 4 years younger. She had a 1 year old baby boy, and I was kinda on the fence about that, but took her out anyway. At the end of the date I went to pay and my card was declined. It was one of those moments where my eyes got really wide and I asked her to wait while I sort this out. I went outside the restaurant and called my credit card company... only to find my xWife had just spent $7,000 in London. Nothing I could do... so I did my best to explain the situation and promise to pay her back the next date. Of course she never talked to me again. Which is fine by me because I wasn't stoked about playing daddy with some kid that isn't mine... AND I can't stand people who make choices based on limited information. I literally will put up with all kinds of weirdness and failures until I get a good sense of the person I'm working with.

Edited April 26, 2015 by SawtoothMars

[katiegrl]

I can't say if you did the right thing or not.

 

When I first started dating after my divorce I went out with this really nice, cute girl... maybe 4 years younger. She had a 1 year old baby boy, and I was kinda on the fence about that, but took her out anyway. At the end of the date I went to pay and my card was declined. It was one of those moments where my eyes got really wide and I asked her to wait while I sort this out. I went outside the restaurant and called my credit card company... only to find my xWife had just spent $7,000 in London. Nothing I could do... so I did my best to explain the situation and promise to pay her back the next date. Of course she never talked to me again. Which is fine by me because I wasn't stoked about playing daddy with some kid that isn't mine... AND I can't stand people who make choices based on limited information. I literally will put up with all kinds of weirdness and failures until I get a good sense of the person I'm working with.

 

Me thinks you dodged a huge bullitt there sawtooth.

 

I would have been impressed by your honesty and would have held you to that next date too!

 

Assuming we had "chemistry" and were clicking, that is. :bunny:

[Shining One]

I suggested a ice cream date for a first meet and told it was for high schoolers. lol

I was called "cheap" when I suggested a beach date. Keep in mind, this was after I had paid for the seven previous dates.

[joseb]

I was called "cheap" when I suggested a beach date. Keep in mind, this was after I had paid for the seven previous dates.

I hope you told her where to go after that?

[Shining One]

I hope you told her where to go after that?

I certainly did, but I don't think it phased her. I'm sure she was back on Match within an hour looking for her next wallet.

[No Limit]

Why can't everyone pay for their own stuff...? Honestly, I don't even think about money all that much when going out (and not because I expect a guy to pay anything for me, in 3 years of semi-active going to clubs and bars I only once got a free drink) so I don't get what the fuss is about.

[No_Go]

Yeah, either this, or alternating. The only issues that I have are:

- is everyone pays their own way, it kind of resembles a friends date too much

- if I offer alternating, the guys often speculate with reducing the frequency of taking turns (initially it is 1:1, slowly moving to 2:1, 3:1 times that I pay: they pay)

 

 

Why can't everyone pay for their own stuff...? Honestly, I don't even think about money all that much when going out (and not because I expect a guy to pay anything for me, in 3 years of semi-active going to clubs and bars I only once got a free drink) so I don't get what the fuss is about.