The new, consolidated, Paying for Dates thread

[Maggie4]

You should read the whole thread. It gives more insight. However, I treat all the same. Whether a person makes a million dollars a year or 1 dollar a year, they are treated the same.

 

Mm.. don't have enough time on my hands to read the whole thread.

 

But the woman who only makes 1 dollar a year actually CANNOT date you because she cannot pay for anything. That's not what you want. You want someone who will help pay.

[jimbo]

Mm.. don't have enough time on my hands to read the whole thread.

 

But the woman who only makes 1 dollar a year actually CANNOT date you because she cannot pay for anything. That's not what you want. You want someone who will help pay.

 

Well, if you took time to read the thread prior to opining, then you would had learned that this woman earns over 100k a year. Just staying.

[Maggie4]

Yes, jimbo I read that this woman makes over 100k. That's what prompted my question to you. Are you upset with her behaviour because she's unwilling to pay, but you would have felt ok if she was unable to pay?

[jimbo]

I think, after 3 months of seeing each other twice or more per week, she could honor her offer to pay for the next meal. If you do not mean it, why say it? It has nothing to do with money. It has to do with someone's word and respect for another person. That is all. I feel this is what some people are missing from this thread. Don't offer something if you do not mean it. In addition, do not through a temper tantrum, leave the place and go hang out with your friends and expect the other person to be chill with it.

 

That is what I meant.

[Grey40]

I think, after 3 months of seeing each other twice or more per week, she could honor her offer to pay for the next meal. If you do not mean it, why say it? It has nothing to do with money. It has to do with someone's word and respect for another person. That is all. I feel this is what some people are missing from this thread. Don't offer something if you do not mean it. In addition, do not through a temper tantrum, leave the place and go hang out with your friends and expect the other person to be chill with it.

 

That is what I meant.

 

Dude, you're 100% correct. I'm surprised you put up with this for 3 months. Jeez, that's insane. You need to ask her, "hey can you pay for the meal this time?" and see how she reacts. You need to let her know that you don't feel the relationship is fair.

 

Does she provide anything? Does she offer you anything? Like I dated a girl once where I always paid when we ate out or went to events and stuff, but she would always let me stay over and crash at her house, cook me dinner, offer to drive or take her car etc. so in a way that kind of made up for it. But if that's not the case and it's totally one sided, it's not normal and it's not good.

[jimbo]

Dude, you're 100% correct. I'm surprised you put up with this for 3 months. Jeez, that's insane. You need to ask her, "hey can you pay for the meal this time?" and see how she reacts. You need to let her know that you don't feel the relationship is fair.

 

Does she provide anything? Does she offer you anything? Like I dated a girl once where I always paid when we ate out or went to events and stuff, but she would always let me stay over and crash at her house, cook me dinner, offer to drive or take her car etc. so in a way that kind of made up for it. But if that's not the case and it's totally one sided, it's not normal and it's not good.

 

I felt so disrespected and embarrassed I got rid of her the next morning. I didn't expect this thread to get so long, but I posted the breakdown ways back. I felt bad about it, and she did try to call twice, but it was just a peak into the future.

 

This one lived with her parents, which at her age I thought was a bit weird, but I do not judge. She'd come over twice a week, stay for dinner and then jet. She would often say I'll stay late or crash, but no, never. She claimed it was because she was embarrassed because I didn't want to have sex with her on her period. So, I'd cook, and she needs a bottle of wine, and supply that as well. She was too tired to often go out. No problem. We'd order in or I'd cook, never ask for a penny. Though the last time we ordered Sushi (at her request), so she said she'd pay the next one. When that time came, wow. She was upset, red, raising her voice, saying this is a man's duty and women shouldn't pay for meals, etc. I support my man in every way possible, da, da da,. Picked up her phone, furiously texting her friends (first time, normally, she just leaves it in her bag), paid for the meal, said she didn't feel well, then jetted to her alleged girlfriends place. Next morning she called a couple times, but I was sleeping. She then texted me and just said okay. I politely texted back. Nothing to talk about. You are looking for someone who's not me. I am sure you will find what you are looking for, take care. She replied back with ok. Then 20 mins later, said something of the words too bad your financial insecurities ruined a good relationship. I didn't reply. She was back on Match the next day.

 

The meal was 45.00. 18 dollars of that meal were her two fruity drinks. I had a soft drink; free refills.

 

I never experienced an adult woman act like that. Oh, I almost forgot the best part. She told me, " I am a prize to be won. I keep in good shape, I workout, I have a good career and come from a good family. I deserve to be taken care of" This is me and my friends are accustom too." I could never forget that.. I've dated attractive women before, none acted like that. Plus, this was when I was in my 20's. This was from a near 40 year old woman.

 

This is all from a 45.00 meal.

[Grey40]

I felt so disrespected and embarrassed I got rid of her the next morning. I didn't expect this thread to get so long, but I posted the breakdown ways back. I felt bad about it, and she did try to call twice, but it was just a peak into the future.

 

This one lived with her parents, which at her age I thought was a bit weird, but I do not judge. She'd come over twice a week, stay for dinner and then jet. She would often say I'll stay late or crash, but no, never. She claimed it was because she was embarrassed because I didn't want to have sex with her on her period. So, I'd cook, and she needs a bottle of wine, and supply that as well. She was too tired to often go out. No problem. We'd order in or I'd cook, never ask for a penny. Though the last time we ordered Sushi (at her request), so she said she'd pay the next one. When that time came, wow. She was upset, red, raising her voice, saying this is a man's duty and women shouldn't pay for meals, etc. I support my man in every way possible, da, da da,. Picked up her phone, furiously texting her friends (first time, normally, she just leaves it in her bag), paid for the meal, said she didn't feel well, then jetted to her alleged girlfriends place. Next morning she called a couple times, but I was sleeping. She then texted me and just said okay. I politely texted back. Nothing to talk about. You are looking for someone who's not me. I am sure you will find what you are looking for, take care. She replied back with ok. Then 20 mins later, said something of the words too bad your financial insecurities ruined a good relationship. I didn't reply. She was back on Match the next day.

 

The meal was 45.00. 18 dollars of that meal were her two fruity drinks. I had a soft drink; free refills.

 

I never experienced an adult woman act like that. Oh, I almost forgot the best part. She told me, " I am a prize to be won. I keep in good shape, I workout, I have a good career and come from a good family. I deserve to be taken care of" This is me and my friends are accustom too." I could never forget that.. I've dated attractive women before, none acted like that. Plus, this was when I was in my 20's. This was from a near 40 year old woman.

 

This is all from a 45.00 meal.

 

Sorry man, that's terrible. Now you know though. Anytime a woman has to come out and specifically say stuff like, "I deserve xxx" and gets mad about stuff like that and acts like a child, that's total time to jet. You made the right move. This girl really wasn't that into you (which clearly she wasn't, was online the next day), and she has serious issues that are going to leave her single for a long time. You dodged a bullet bro.

[Maggie4]

Sounds like there were other problems that are really at the heart of this. She exhibited other bad behaviors. Probably your original post and title of this thread misrepresents where you're really coming from. It's not about the money, it's everything else. But it's good to talk and sort out what's bothering you.

You know, this reminded of a hurtful episode of mine. It was actually less painful for me to dwell on the $2,000 he took from me, than to talk about what he really took from me. But I dunno.. maybe has nothing to do with your story. It just brought back some bad memory for me.

Edited December 19, 2017 by Maggie4

[newyorker11356]

Oh, I almost forgot the best part. She told me, " I am a prize to be won. I keep in good shape, I workout, I have a good career and come from a good family. I deserve to be taken care of" This is me and my friends are accustom too." I could never forget that.. I've dated attractive women before, none acted like that. Plus, this was when I was in my 20's. This was from a near 40 year old woman.

 

This is all from a 45.00 meal.

 

And I would have replied with "That's all well and good, and I'm sure you'll probably find that guy. However, I'm not that guy for you. I prefer women that can occasionally contribute to something, especially when they actually have their own jobs and make a decent amount of money. It's clear we are not compatible in this realm, so good luck and take care..."

[gaius]

Seems like a lot of guys who are determined to make the woman pay her fair share and not a penny less are the types who don't have a whole lot to offer other than money. So they end up feeling used when they are being used. Which is every relationship pretty much.

 

Instead of getting ants in your pants about her two expensive fruity drinks vs your cheap soda why don't you try improving yourself instead? Go to the gym, become a more interesting conversationalist, actually have sex with the girl when she's horny, even if there's a little blood involved. Then she'll just treat the dinner as some hot foreplay before you get home and make sweet passionate love. Instead of the one thing she's getting out of the relationship.

[lovephule]

Can you provide a detailed example? As someone who has never experienced this, I want to know what it looks like.

 

I could, but it'll cost you.

 

Speaking in jest here but the principle remains. Someone here (or anywhere, really) could save you time, effort, heartache, and yes, money by sharing for free. Why do that if you only value that which has a price tag attached? Seems... unwise.

[jimbo]

Seems like a lot of guys who are determined to make the woman pay her fair share and not a penny less are the types who don't have a whole lot to offer other than money. So they end up feeling used when they are being used. Which is every relationship pretty much.

 

Instead of getting ants in your pants about her two expensive fruity drinks vs your cheap soda why don't you try improving yourself instead? Go to the gym, become a more interesting conversationalist, actually have sex with the girl when she's horny, even if there's a little blood involved. Then she'll just treat the dinner as some hot foreplay before you get home and make sweet passionate love. Instead of the one thing she's getting out of the relationship.

 

Thanks dude for the tip. Already in the gym at least four days a week. Again, not about the money.

[ByMyself01]

Does she even really make as much as she says she does??? I make 2/3 less than she claims to make and I'm still able to pay for Food and Been moved out of my parent's house. I still go half every now and then with my BF. It sounds like she's broke or trying to leech off you. Her money is going somewhere, she's trying to use you or she's broke and lying.

[jimbo]

I am not a perfect person. I know this thread made twists and turns. I also know, with a thread 13+ pages long, it is hard for anyone to read all my responses. However, again, it's not about the money as my good friend and regular all around macho man, gaius seems to think. It's about mutual respect. If someone tells me they are going to do something, I will hold them to what they said. If a person, man or woman, has no word, what good are they? If they blow up and leave over a few bucks, how would they react to something serious? That is what I am trying to explain in my posts.

[jimbo]

Does she even really make as much as she says she does??? I make 2/3 less than she claims to make and I'm still able to pay for Food and Been moved out of my parent's house. I still go half every now and then with my BF. It sounds like she's broke or trying to leech off you. Her money is going somewhere, she's trying to use you or she's broke and lying.

 

Not sure. I would lean on broke; as I do not know too many near 40 year old people making 100k + a year living with their parents. It made little sense. Many things she said and did didn't make sense. It's just a surreal experience.

[ByMyself01]

I am not a perfect person. I know this thread made twists and turns. I also know, with a thread 13+ pages long, it is hard for anyone to read all my responses. However, again, it's not about the money as my good friend and regular all around macho man, gaius seems to think. It's about mutual respect. If someone tells me they are going to do something, I will hold them to what they said. If a person, man or woman, has no word, what good are they? If they blow up and leave over a few bucks, how would they react to something serious? That is what I am trying to explain in my posts.

 

I get it. Society believes the man is supposed to hold all this responsibility that's too much to bare for one person man or woman. I believe a man or woman is only supposed to take care of their children and it's okay to provide for a spouse but not everything and they get to keep what they make. Relationships like that usually don't work out anyways where 1 person is doing everything. Eventually it breeds resentment or a higher ego where the person loses respect because they feel like they paid for it anyways.

[Shining One]

I could, but it'll cost you.

 

Speaking in jest here but the principle remains. Someone here (or anywhere, really) could save you time, effort, heartache, and yes, money by sharing for free.

I applaud your creative way of not answering the question.

Why do that if you only value that which has a price tag attached?

Quite the assumption on your part. I value many things that don't have a price tag attached. My girlfriend does not have nearly as much disposable income as I do, so she contributes in various other ways. I value her contributions.

 

I asked the question because in the various relationships in which I paid for everything, I never felt like I was getting the better end of the deal. If some people feel they are getting a better deal by paying for everything, I'm curious as to what they are getting out of that deal.

[some_username1]

Seems like a lot of guys who are determined to make the woman pay her fair share and not a penny less are the types who don't have a whole lot to offer other than money. So they end up feeling used when they are being used. Which is every relationship pretty much.

 

Instead of getting ants in your pants about her two expensive fruity drinks vs your cheap soda why don't you try improving yourself instead? Go to the gym, become a more interesting conversationalist, actually have sex with the girl when she's horny, even if there's a little blood involved. Then she'll just treat the dinner as some hot foreplay before you get home and make sweet passionate love. Instead of the one thing she's getting out of the relationship.

 

I would say it is more like the opposite- paying for things might compensate for a bland personality, especially as you are effectively paying for her company ergo you do not value your own company as being worth as much as hers.

 

A guy who is willing to risk the wrath of his date by paying only his share sounds like a guy who is quite confident and secure in himself and doesn't stand for any nonsense. Normally guys like that are considered 'a challenge' or a 'bad boy'. We also hear that women don't want a door mat....apart from when he is paying for dinner that is

[SolG]

My brother in law has been my sis & family provider since they married 30y ago. I think it comes down to how a man feels about it. It doesn't seem to bother him in the least.

 

But you're conflating being in an LTR and supporting a family with paying for things whilst dating. Completely different things.

 

What happened to men being men and paying for dates?

How can you feel like a man letting your girl pay??? I don't get it.

 

Hello 1950, this is 2017 calling! If someone needs to pay for everything to feel like a man... then perhaps there are some other facets of masculinity that are lacking.

 

I didn't read the whole thread. I read the OP and I think it shouldn't matter how much money she makes. That's not relevant. If it is relevant to you, and you'd feel ok paying if she's destitute, then you'd be treating poor women better than rich ones. That wouldn't be right.

 

No, that would be equitable treatment and eminently fair and not poor at all. Treating everyone completely the same without regard for their individual context would demonstrate a lack of ability to firstly ascertain difference and adjust accordingly. Which would be poor indeed.

 

I'm not sure about that, is it simply 'okay' for a woman to think that someone should pay for her? What would people think of a man who had the same attitude? He would be called 'cheap' because It's quite obnoxious and entitled right? Entitlement isn't simply a dating style, it is a sign of poor character. These women will be raising their daughters and telling them 'don't worry about money honey, when you are older a man will pay for everything'. Is that okay?

 

I think this is a valid point. I don't beleive that it's okay in modern western democracies to perpetuate an expectation that men should pay for everything. Just as it's not okay to perpetuate an expectation that women will do all the home based work and child caring. I think we should have reached a stage where these things are negotiated on the basis of the needs, wants and circumstances of the people in the R.

 

I really don't think that it's a healthy expectation to have everything paid for if your income is comensurate with a new dating partner's. That's not a robust test of their ability to provide, it's a test of their willingness to acquiesce to unwarranted demands given your relative circumstances. Frankly preposterous to me.

 

If you're a woman and you want to test ability to provide for a family, have an adult conversation about how you see roles and financial comittments playing out in those circumstances. Over a dinner you're paying for. Then have him call for the check, and discreetly hand him your credit card so you can pay without all the dinosaurs calling him out for apparently being less of a man because he beleives in equity in dating.

Edited December 19, 2017 by SolG

[littleblackheart]

I asked the question because in the various relationships in which I paid for everything, I never felt like I was getting the better end of the deal. If some people feel they are getting a better deal by paying for everything, I'm curious as to what they are getting out of that deal.

 

My father was the breadwinner and while my mother before and after she had 3 children, she was a SAHM until my youngest sister got to high school. What my father got was the chance to work long hours, go on business trips and generally have a successful career without worrying about us. He was the provider, my mother was the nurturer, there were no childcare costs or absent parents issues.

 

There still are a lot of couples like that around, especially in middle-class areas where professional women take a break in their careers to look after their kids while their husbands work. With couples where both appreciate and value what their partners do, this really isn't a problem.

 

If you don't value this in a partner, if you don't want kids, if you're not naturally a selfless person (not a doormat, but someone who does stuff for others without expections), if you date often, if you have very specific expections of someone, then I guess you are looking for a room mate with whom you have regular sex.

[Maggie4]

No, that would be equitable treatment and eminently fair and not poor at all. Treating everyone completely the same without regard for their individual context would demonstrate a lack of ability to firstly ascertain difference and adjust accordingly. Which would be poor indeed.

 

I actually agree, rich people should pay more.... taxes. But when dating, it's not just the money. It's the feeling of being doted on, and also to enjoy treating others. To be honest, if a man expects me to pay but later when he has a new woman and he always pays for her just because she makes less money, I'd feel bad, like he treats her better, like I was punished for having income. But this bad feeling is not really about the money (if I should go to lunch with this new woman I might pick up the tab for her too.) In dating, it's about wanting to feel valued. And I think the OP has been trying to get this across.

[elaine567]

Does she even really make as much as she says she does??? I make 2/3 less than she claims to make and I'm still able to pay for Food and Been moved out of my parent's house. I still go half every now and then with my BF. It sounds like she's broke or trying to leech off you. Her money is going somewhere, she's trying to use you or she's broke and lying.

 

I guess this is not about the money or lack thereof.

She doesn't want to pay full stop.

I guess she has been brought up to think, men provide and if she is being asked to pay she is being disrespected, being seen as less of a woman, hence the upset.

This man who is supposed to be HER man, has betrayed her by expecting her to foot the bill, how could he do this to her?

Other women get men to gladly pay for them, so why not her?

[SunnySide0418]

Since when does the size of a person's wallet determine if he's a man or not? Last time I checked, women are human too and earn a living. So you feel, if both people earn the same amount of money, then man should pay every single time?

 

Wow.

 

I feel the man should pay most of the time, yes. What if the women makes significantly less than the man? You think it's about earning?

[lovephule]

I asked the question because in the various relationships in which I paid for everything, I never felt like I was getting the better end of the deal. If some people feel they are getting a better deal by paying for everything, I'm curious as to what they are getting out of that deal.

They are paying for everything and getting a better deal. They are not getting a better deal by paying for everything. Meaningless distinction? No. The magic is not in the paying.

--------------

 

Regarding OP and his erstwhile date, I don't have any skin in that game or dog in that fight. I am fully convinced that those two are wrong for each other, and convinced only of that much. I get the feeling that we are (or were) being asked to judge something more than that-- largely whether or not this woman is simply plain wrong, and not merely wrong for OP.

[Els]

 

A guy who is willing to risk the wrath of his date by paying only his share sounds like a guy who is quite confident and secure in himself and doesn't stand for any nonsense. Normally guys like that are considered 'a challenge' or a 'bad boy'. We also hear that women don't want a door mat....apart from when he is paying for dinner that is

 

That's like saying "a woman who is willing to risk the wrath of her date by showing up with hairy legs sounds like a woman who is confident and secure in herself"... c'mon now . I don't think anyone should pay for someone else (OR shave their legs) if they don't want to, but trying to extrapolate personal choices/preferences into personality generalizations is pretty pointless. Lots of doormats go Dutch and lots of men with strong boundaries pay for their dates/partner because they want to. In fact, the very definition of boundaries is that you get to choose them.

 

Obviously, if a man doesn't WANT to pay, just don't do it and seek a compatible woman! I really don't see why there is such a big issue made out of it, when it's just an aspect of compatibility like so many others.