The new, consolidated, Paying for Dates thread

[Els]

I'm aware that other locations are more likely to be populated by egalitarian women. My question was more aimed at how to find egalitarian women (primarily on OLD) rather than where do they live.

 

I understand, but my point is that it's possible you may be fishing from a pond with no fish left at all, or only a few fish. You can try improving your bait, but the odds of those few fish seeing it would still be tiny.

 

I can't say for sure without knowing where you are (and I won't ask), but it's very unlikely that a financially-independent, egalitarian, progressive woman would elect to live in an extremely conservative location. Conservative policies and laws typically have a larger negative effect on women than on men, so egalitarian women will take especially big steps to avoid them.

 

Your other requirements seem to fit, so I think that it may truly be location holding you back. That being said, you haven't been looking for long, so just luck maybe?

[Shining One]

I understand, but my point is that it's possible you may be fishing from a pond with no fish left at all, or only a few fish. You can try improving your bait, but the odds of those few fish seeing it would still be tiny.

Fortunately, I don't have a pond... I have an ocean. The supply of women on OLD here is seemingly never-ending. Women also outnumber men here.

I can't say for sure without knowing where you are (and I won't ask), but it's very unlikely that a financially-independent, egalitarian, progressive woman would elect to live in an extremely conservative location.

I don't mind sharing. I live in South Florida, which is a mostly liberal area.

That being said, you haven't been looking for long, so just luck maybe?

I actually haven't started looking yet. I'm just mentally preparing myself since OLD is a lot of work for me and I want to do whatever I can to make my process more efficient.

[Els]

I'm just mentally preparing myself since OLD is a lot of work for me and I want to do whatever I can to make my process more efficient.

 

 

Hmmm. I've never done OLD, but maybe something like "I don't believe in traditional gender roles" in your profile might help?

[salparadise]

Hmmm. I've never done OLD, but maybe something like "I don't believe in traditional gender roles" in your profile might help?

 

I use the terms progressive, equality, fully-reciprocal, and sometimes fully-functional, in describing who I want to meet. It's not universally understood, but those who are as described usually get it. I still have to manually filter for traditionalists who are clueless (which isn't too difficult). I hesitate to say I don't believe in traditional gender roles because that could infer too much, as in completely reversing masculine-feminine dynamics.

 

I still end up paying sometimes. I often don't mind, depending on circumstances; if the check is small or if I consumed more (like if I had a full meal and she only ate a salad). I never want it to be awkward, and I never ask. But if they have the entitlement mentality (the presumption that everything should be free for one, and cost the other double) it will not go unnoticed, and it will affect perceptions. I wish there were unmistakable cues that everyone understands, but such is not the case. It's one of those social subtleties that we have to dance around.

[Timshel]

With a preoccupation with money over compatibility, it's no wonder the journey is redundant/exhaustive.

 

If a person is going on dates counting dollars then this person's match is a person who is equally so.

 

To be a fly on the wall for this transaction...I mean date.

[JEG88]

I started playing the "I forgot my wallet" trick when the check comes as a joke. I let the woman pull out her wallet with the shocked look on her face before breaking the news. It's worked every time I've tried it as a memorable, yet funny, end to a date. But I do realize it's like playing with fire And of course I don't try it with every woman I meet up, only if I feel like we have a similar sense of humor.

[gimlynick]

Interesting thread.

 

My experience has been very different. Most girls that I date want to pay AT LEAST their part of the bill.

 

Some girls even paid everything ( and not because they wanted to leave, those girls ended up staying with me for shorter or longer times ).

 

 

To be honest I feel kinda uncomfortable when someone pays for me!

I guess that is how independent girls feel when someone pays for them, no?

[boymommy]

I am more traditional in that I would never do the “asking out” (thats the guy’s job) but I have zero problem taking turns paying for dates once a relationship is basically established. It gets pricey for one person to pay all the time. Unless the guys loaded and has no kids (which arent usually guys I date! Lol) I wouldnt think that would be very feasible.

 

Where I tend to run into issues with guys is when they have more of a non-traditional mindset. My boyfriend forgets I am traditional and I forget he’s non-traditional so what ends up happening with us is a lot of the time I end up paying because I am the one who suggests doing something..but I usually suggest doing more things then him because he’s more introverted. But I think its a little weird to suggest an activity but expect the other person to foot the bill. Sometimes my boyfriend will ask me who is paying if he is unclear. I think we also are both cheap too and neither of us want to fork out the money! Not that we dont mind paying for each other..its just we see the money could be put to better use so we try to get the other to pay

Edited August 21, 2019 by boymommy

[SumGuy]

I don't mind paying. I'm always asking them out first even if they reached out to me first on-line.

 

What I mind is the expectation that it is my role because of my gender or that I need to do so to impress her. I rarely get that kind of information but when I do it's pretty much a deal breaker for me.

 

I do appreciate the offer to split, and it is a real positive with me, even if it is clear she is pausing for me to pay. I really love when she agrees to me getting drinks and food but she will get the ice cream after. I find that kind of romantic.

 

It's really not a big cost for me so I hope my dates don't read too much into it. I'm kind of paying it back for someone who helped me long ago when I was down and out; it's a karma thing and I also like the role of host.

[preraph]

I am more traditional in that I would never do the “asking out” (thats the guy’s job) but I have zero problem taking turns paying for dates once a relationship is basically established. It gets pricey for one person to pay all the time. Unless the guys loaded and has no kids (which arent usually guys I date! Lol) I wouldnt think that would be very feasible.

 

Where I tend to run into issues with guys is when they have more of a non-traditional mindset. My boyfriend forgets I am traditional and I forget he’s non-traditional so what ends up happening with us is a lot of the time I end up paying because I am the one who suggests doing something..but I usually suggest doing more things then him because he’s more introverted. But I think its a little weird to suggest an activity but expect the other person to foot the bill. Sometimes my boyfriend will ask me who is paying if he is unclear. I think we also are both cheap too and neither of us want to fork out the money! Not that we dont mind paying for each other..its just we see the money could be put to better use so we try to get the other to pay ��

 

There's a lot of people who will just take advantage of that. He surely knows you don't want to pay for everything and that he should go places with you sometimes. I wouldn't remain in that trap! Sounds like he's just taking advantage.

 

I would conclude that if he doesn't want to go do things and will only go if you pay, that you two are not compatible.

[boymommy]

There's a lot of people who will just take advantage of that. He surely knows you don't want to pay for everything and that he should go places with you sometimes. I wouldn't remain in that trap! Sounds like he's just taking advantage.

 

I would conclude that if he doesn't want to go do things and will only go if you pay, that you two are not compatible.

 

I think you misunderstood my post. I dont pay for everything. I pay slightly more often. 60/40 maybe? He would never take advantage of me. Like last weekend I paid for dinner, he paid for the alcohol we bought at the beer distributer. Pretty even actually! He wants to go do things, just he’s more of a homebody then me I suppose, so I suggest more often. He definately wont only go if I pay, thats nuts! On weekends when he has his son he also has both me and his son to pay for which I never have my boys to pay for so he has an extra person to pay for besides me, which I do not. So in that aspect it works out even. But who wants to keep financial tabs like that? Not me

Edited August 21, 2019 by boymommy

[shydad]

On weekends when he has his son he also has both me and his son to pay for which I never have my boys to pay for so he has an extra person to pay for besides me, which I do not.

I'm guessing most people don't think about this, but kids can cause costs to get really high. The last time I got babysitting it cost $153.75, and like you said, including a child triples the cost at any restaurant or other venue.

[Blind-Sided]

OK, I honestly think the old expectations should be gone, where the man always pays since women want careers. Also, my stance is... the person who does the asking should pay.

 

 

With that said... I have a tendency of paying. It's just in my upbringing. I grew up in a family where dad always paid for stuff. TO THIS DAY... if I go to my folks house to visit, and we go out for food... my dad pays. (I'm 47 now) He actually gets mad if I try. Because of that... I do the same. I have a couple women who have helped me get through my divorce, and if I say that I need to go to lunch, to talk... I pay. (I asked) Just last night... a friend and his wife met me for a drink, and I pull out money to pay. He said I didn't need to... but then I said... "Well, let me get the first round." (Knowing there would probably only be one)

 

 

I guess once I get back into a longer relationship... I will most certainly want the woman to pay.

 

 

My 2 cents... take it for what it is.

[boymommy]

OK, I honestly think the old expectations should be gone, where the man always pays since women want careers. Also, my stance is... the person who does the asking should pay.

 

 

With that said... I have a tendency of paying. It's just in my upbringing. I grew up in a family where dad always paid for stuff. TO THIS DAY... if I go to my folks house to visit, and we go out for food... my dad pays. (I'm 47 now) He actually gets mad if I try. Because of that... I do the same. I have a couple women who have helped me get through my divorce, and if I say that I need to go to lunch, to talk... I pay. (I asked) Just last night... a friend and his wife met me for a drink, and I pull out money to pay. He said I didn't need to... but then I said... "Well, let me get the first round." (Knowing there would probably only be one)

 

 

I guess once I get back into a longer relationship... I will most certainly want the woman to pay.

 

 

My 2 cents... take it for what it is.

 

Yeah this was how I was raised as well so I I figured the guy pays but you know unless he makes tons of money and dating after divorce mostly men have kids so that is not a realistic expectation. I am fine taking turns as long as it is financially feasible. My take is that as long as its agreed upon by both parties thats what is most important. Communication is key.

[Allupinnit]

Just because women expect equal treatment in the work place doesn't mean we don't like to be courted. And it doesn't have anything to do with dropping loads of cash on dates. It really comes down to thought and being made to feel special.

 

My H treated me all the time when we first started dating. Now, in our marriage, I make more than he does, but I don't go around griping about the unfairness of it all. We take care of each other. But if he had reminded me to pay for my own beer on a date HE asked ME out on, LOL! Aw hail to tha naw - give me an old-fashioned gent any day over that nonsense.

[thefooloftheyear]

Just because women expect equal treatment in the work place doesn't mean we don't like to be courted. And it doesn't have anything to do with dropping loads of cash on dates. It really comes down to thought and being made to feel special.

 

.

 

Yes, but that poster (sal) is looking at it from the standpoint of why does a guy have to "court" a woman that is just maybe shopping him around?? I agree with him in that aspect...Why is there still this expectation?? Its seems a bit archaic in light of all that has moved forward with regard to women's rights and all, no??

 

And I don't want to start another gender war here, but it sure does seem like women's expectation of equal treatment is sometimes selective...Like in these cases and other aspects...

 

TFY

[Ruby Slippers]

Its seems a bit archaic in light of all that has moved forward with regard to women's rights and all, no??

This was never my agenda.

 

I could argue that it's "archaic" of men to assign primary value to dating partners based on their appearance. But fighting biology is futile.

 

Women always have and always will prefer men who are providers and protectors. For very good reasons.

[Allupinnit]

Yes, but that poster (sal) is looking at it from the standpoint of why does a guy have to "court" a woman that is just maybe shopping him around?? I agree with him in that aspect...Why is there still this expectation?? Its seems a bit archaic in light of all that has moved forward with regard to women's rights and all, no??

 

And I don't want to start another gender war here, but it sure does seem like women's expectation of equal treatment is sometimes selective...Like in these cases and other aspects...

 

TFY

 

I think this conversation has been had ad nauseam on these boards.

 

I think PEOPLE are shopping around in regards to dating, no??

 

It's been my experience that when men are complaining about picking up the tab, there is usually a lot more going on under the surface regarding women than just being afraid of being taken advantage of. I can't think of anyone I know in real life in a happy relationship who would balk at the idea of paying on a first date for a woman he asked out.

 

But that's just been my real world experience, which doesn't always align with what I read on LS.

[CollinW]

 

It's been my experience that when men are complaining about picking up the tab, there is usually a lot more going on under the surface regarding women than just being afraid of being taken advantage of. I can't think of anyone I know in real life in a happy relationship who would balk at the idea of paying on a first date for a woman he asked out.

The same thing can be said about women. Many of the more down to earth and successful women I've dated fell over themselves to pay or genuinely wanted to split. Its only the emotionally damaged, broke, or entitled ones who analyzed the handling of the checks.

[Allupinnit]

Not in my case. I'm happily married to the man who treated me, and I now make more than he does.

 

Are you also happily married?

Edited September 6, 2019 by Allupinnit

[crispytoast]

Not in my case. I'm happily married to the man who treated me, and I now make more than he does.

 

Are you also happily married?

Great, I'm glad that worked for you. I'm sorry but that's not in any way the end all be all. I've met way too many women who expect everything to be handed to them. I know there's plenty of douchey men out there too so I'm not making this a which gender is better thing. I wouldnt pay for everything on a first date because that's some chumpy ish. Just like I would never expect for a woman to pay for everything for me on a first date. The idea that anyone should pay for the first date is some outdated bullcrap. I would instantly lose respect for anyone who expected me to pay for them. Also most of my female friends would not want a man to pay for anything of theirs on a first date and the ones who would expect that are not the kind that I would introduce to a male friend of mine for a wide variety of other emotional and manipulative reasons.

[crispytoast]

Also, being happily married doesn't make you any more qualified to say the right way for payment on a first date than someone who is happily single. In fact I'd say you are less qualified because you've been out of the dating pool for a while.

[Allupinnit]

Also, being happily married doesn't make you any more qualified to say the right way for payment on a first date than someone who is happily single. In fact I'd say you are less qualified because you've been out of the dating pool for a while.

 

I've only been married for two years - I'm hardly out of touch with the current dating climate and had to do all of the things that everyone else here is having to do in order to meet someone, including online dating.

 

The men who split the check with me simply were not interested and saw me as a friend. They also flaked out on second dates, failed to plan ahead, and were not good boyfriend material. Every man I've had a significant relationship with enjoyed treating me on the first date or two and wouldn't hear of me splitting the check. This does not make me a gold digger, or a loser, or emotionally damaged (SHEESH!). I have a good career and no children, and I'm educated. My H and I now don't worry ourselves about who makes more - we simply enjoy a lifestyle that both of our incomes afford us.

 

Again, I'm going by MY experience. And the experiences of those around me IRL.

[fromheart]

Haven't read the whole thread but why do you expect the man to pay for you? Many men don't like this, because its like paying for a service, ie sex. Also, in this day and age we want a woman who can stand on her own feet, and not have to be paid for. Some women will get offended when the man pays for everything, which is understandable.

 

50/50 is a good way to go.

[Veronica73]

Many men don't like this, because its like paying for a service, ie sex.

 

And many women don’t like men who think this way? WTF? I am more than capable of treating somebody because it feels good and don’t expect anything in return. And I do it often. I’d never ever ever want to date, or even have anything to do with somebody who thought this way. It’s disgusting.