The new, consolidated, Paying for Dates thread

[Breezee]

I'm an old fashioned sort of gal and all the men that I've ever dated have paid at least 90% of the time. I guess people/times have changed in the past 20-25 years but no guy that I've ever dated would have ever dreamed of suggesting that I pay at any time. Since I'll be in the dating pool (UGH) at some point in the future, we shall see. Geez this makes me angry at my STBXH for putting me in this situation!

[Els]

So you can relax, stop feeling anxious about this and decide for yourself when you want to treat a woman to a meal and when you don't.

 

*gasp!* Preposterous suggestion! What kind of artsy-fartsy newfangled concept is this 'decide for yourself' thing?

[carhill]

So you can relax, stop feeling anxious about this and decide for yourself when you want to treat a woman to a meal and when you don't.

 

Yep, IME that was the most difficult transition to make, from resource allocation and planning and thought inputs to just letting it happen and enjoying it. It was scary and exciting at the same time. For myself it didn't happen until I was married with any regularity but still the experience of 'letting go' of traditional date paying style was similar. For young men whom perhaps are more used to being treated to dates by ladies , their experience may be completely different.

[Shining One]

This is just one of those things we tend to overcomplicate due to lack of communication. It's easy to say "treat when you want" in a vacuum. Payment preferences are not advertised as clearly as they are in this thread. Picture the scenario below:

 

End of a first date. The bill comes. The woman offers to pay her half. Is she genuine or is she testing him? If he covers it all, is he paying because he wants to be generous or is he paying just to make sure he doesn't fail any potential tests? Ideally, she would be clear as this poster was.

If the guy splits the bill on the first date, there will not be a second date.

 

Speaking for myself, I pay most of the time just to make sure I'm not failing any early tests.

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

This is just one of those things we tend to overcomplicate due to lack of communication. It's easy to say "treat when you want" in a vacuum. Payment preferences are not advertised as clearly as they are in this thread. Picture the scenario below:

 

End of a first date. The bill comes. The woman offers to pay her half. Is she genuine or is she testing him? If he covers it all, is he paying because he wants to be generous or is he paying just to make sure he doesn't fail any potential tests? Ideally, she would be clear as this poster was.

 

Speaking for myself, I pay most of the time just to make sure I'm not failing any early tests.

 

So, if we were out on a date and when the bill came, I paid for it, would I had failed one of your 'tests'? Or would you have been cool and comfy with my gesture?

 

 

.

[Shining One]

So, if we were out on a date and when the bill came, I paid for it, would I had failed one of your 'tests'? Or would you have been cool and comfy with my gesture?

I would have been totally cool with it.

[William]

Due to recent posts more appropriate to this topic posted in other threads, moderation is reopening our consolidated thread, and poll, to new replies. Thanks!

[Buddhist]

The point is that non of this crap is really biological. It is instead socialized behavior and feelings. As humans we are very adaptable.

 

Finally someone, other than me, said it. :roll eyes: None of this is caveman stuff because well humans have NFI how cavemen actually lived and what they thought or did. Sure we can look at handprints on a cave wall and extrapolate but that doesn't make it true. It's just a guess. All those remains really say is that humans lived in groups.....just like nearly every other animal on the planet.

 

Darwinism is likewise unproven, it just so happened he was rich enough to publish his own thoughts and everyone else decided it was true. God, I wish people would understand this.

[thecrucible]

I selected the 'other' box.

 

I think men and women should take turns. But in my experience, if the man has any instinct to try and impress you on a first date he will buy you a drink or something. When you're in a situation that's ambiguous, the man might insist on splitting the cost to give you the message that he has no romantic interest in you. At the same time, him paying is no particular sign of romantic interest either. I've dated guys in the past who are only too happy to pay for everything but they really only see you as a booty call.

 

I'm leaning more towards men who want to split the bill as I think it may be symbolic of a man who's more likely to believe in equal gender roles. But I wouldn't want a guy who was point scoring - I'd like a guy who wanted to treat me to something from time to time due to generosity of spirit. I would also want to treat my man from time to time. I would also want to date someone responsible but not stingy.

 

I used to be more into the gender role stuff. I probably imbibed too much of what I read of books like The Rules. I definitely don't see things black and white anymore as I have dated disrespectful and sleazy guys without great character who subscribed to some of the behaviours suggested. I've realised a lot of it is nonsense now.

[JustGettingBy]

Whoever asked the other out pays. Simply the fact that gender even enters the equation is proof that we're behind where we should be.

[Shining One]

Whoever asked the other out pays.

This hardly seems fair. Even now, most women expect men to do the majority of the pursuing early on.

[SwordofFlame]

Whoever asked the other out pays. Simply the fact that gender even enters the equation is proof that we're behind where we should be.

 

That works only if the couple takes turns asking each other out on dates. Which sounds great in theory, but rarely happens early on in relationships.

[SoftViolin]

We've had a couple threads here on paying and splitting the bill and I know many advise to have the first date or meet at an inexpensive place. I prefer that too, but what if you were at a mid to upscale place for a first date and you realize there isn't a connection or date is not going well, what have you.

 

In such situations I prefer to split the bill or cover my half, but there are some times when men insist on picking it up and short of wrestling for the bill and being rude, there isn't much to do. That always bothers me, because I feel like I owe someone something, especially if they would have liked for there to be a second date. But even more so, it is puzzling when both sides are not feeling the connection - why insist on covering the whole bill and not split it when offered. I know that ultimately it is not a giant deal, but ladies - do you offer, if you feel the date is not going well, and men - would you accept the offer to split if you aren't feeling the connection, or still insist on paying?

[mrldii]

If you're really afraid of the bill-wrestle at the end, why not make "separate checks" part of your actual order?

 

"Yes, I'd like the lobster and caviar...and a glass of your finest white wine. Oh, and I'd like separate checks, thank you."

 

 

~Voila~ Problem solved. If the date doesn't go well, you didn't use him for a free meal. If it does go well, he has no legitimate reason to fear you're just a gold-digger.

 

 

EVERYbody's happy. And, that's all we really want when dating, riiiiight? For EVERYbody to be happy!

[TunaCat]

I like splitting the check regardless of how a date is going. If I were on a date that wasn't going well, I'd still want to split the check.

 

My feelings on who pays for dates don't change regardless of whether or not I'm enjoying myself.

[Toodaloo]

I am a weird one about money. I don't like men to pay for me.

 

Last time a date didn't go well I asked him to leave and paid the bill myself. I was at a restaurant I know well and I like the people there. So I wanted to make sure there were no issues.

 

I like to pay for myself. If I don't have the money to cover the bill I do not go. It really is that simple.

 

If it were that bad and I were leaving before him I would have a quiet word with the staff and make sure my half was covered before walking out of the door.

[Snakechammah]

My philosophy:

 

• If I don't like the guy AT ALL, I will pick up the ENTIRE tab (just to demasculate him)
  

 

• If I like the guy platonically, I will pay my share.
  

 

• If I really like the guy and would totally love to see him again, I let him pay the whole thing.
  

So yeah. That's how my mind works. I'll let you take care of me if I really like you. If I don't like you (at all, in a vindictive what-a-jerk way), I'll be competitive and run your manhood to the curb.

[TheArtist]

Whether I like her or not pull the fire alarm and get out of there. Fixed it.

[SoftViolin]

If you're really afraid of the bill-wrestle at the end, why not make "separate checks" part of your actual order?

Smart, I like it! I am too more of the opinion that I would like to pay for myself at the end of the date, so this is a good strategy.

[JustGettingBy]

This hardly seems fair. Even now, most women expect men to do the majority of the pursuing early on.

 

Which is further proof that we're behind where we should be.

[TheCatInTheHat]

First date always split.

 

Rest of the dates, I prefer to pay (guy).

[LoveRefreshed]

My philosophy:

 

• If I don't like the guy AT ALL, I will pick up the ENTIRE tab (just to demasculate him)
  

• If I like the guy platonically, I will pay my share.
  

• If I really like the guy and would totally love to see him again, I let him pay the whole thing.
  

So yeah. That's how my mind works. I'll let you take care of me if I really like you. If I don't like you (at all, in a vindictive what-a-jerk way), I'll be competitive and run your manhood to the curb.

 

Makes complete sense. Give to those you don't like.

[normal person]

I feel like this issue is culture specific. If you're a guy in the US, just suck it up and pay the bill. Considering the gender wage income gap is still very significant, a man having to write off the occasional $25 entree as a loss still leaves him richer in the long run. No woman is going to look down on him for paying the whole thing, and suggesting she pay half is not worth the toll it will take on his image if he actually likes her. A man paying is pretty much expected.

 

Just pay the bill, guys. It's the cost of doing business. It's necessary overhead. It's a battle you aren't going to win. If she insists on paying, she's either a bit of an anomaly, or she just doesn't like you.

[ses]

My significant other is currently in school and can't work so I have no problem picking up the check and taking care of him. His student loans pay for his rent and meals, and yes, sometimes he'll insist on picking up the check. I know he'll probably pay more than his share in the future but I still will try to go Dutch and try to split costs.

 

I think both parties should offer to pick up the check after a few dates—it should never be assumed the man is paying. I've gone out with a few guys who were very traditionally-minded and believed they should do everything for the woman, but I like doing it (and I control the tip!)

[normal person]

 

I think both parties should offer to pick up the check after a few dates—it should never be assumed the man is paying. I've gone out with a few guys who were very traditionally-minded and believed they should do everything for the woman, but I like doing it (and I control the tip!)

 

It "shouldn't," but let's be honest, in today's society (at least in America) it usually is, at least in my experience.

 

In my experience:

 

~ 80% of women just wait for me to pay and say "thanks for dinner"

~ 20% of the time they ask if they can give me some money, but when I say "don't worry about it," that's the last they mention it.

 

Also I think this thread is deceiving, obviously if you're in the minority of women who prefer to pay you're going to pipe up here and make your voice heard. Women who are fine with the way things are aren't going to jump in just to say, "Yeah, men should continue to pay for things."

 

I still think men would be wise just to pay for everything. It's just a good way to mitigate any issues. Women still make about 3/4 what men do, last time I checked.