Difficult situation, trapped in it

[Dear Lady Disdain]

Hi there, I'm just posting in because over two months ago I broke off a friendship with a man who was emotionally abusive and I feel much better for it. He would act nasty, mean and moody for no reason around me sometimes and also whenever I was really nice to him and sympathetic to his tales of woe about what other people / the world had done to him, he would be horrible back, even though he seemed to want my sympathy

 

I was proud of myself for breaking off the relationship but now I have met somebody exactly the same in my workplace, he is a colleague I work with and I can't believe I have found myself in an identical situation

My work colleague is bipolar with bpd I think ( guy above also had mental health problems ) so I thought I should be understanding and sympathetic to his illness, he has told me all about how awful it is, how mean his mother is to him, sad tales of how he was in hospital as a young boy and missed some schooling - one day he even wrote down on a notepad so I could clearly see it " I want to kill myself " in big letters and has made reference to suicide more than once. I am the only person in the office who knows he is bipolar, he told me when we went to lunch, we started to go a few times a week

 

I cared about him and was concerned obviously so I was nice, however I've found like with the guy above, the nicer I am to him, the more horrible he is to me. He treats me worse than everybody else in the office, making " jokes " about me being dim and thick and common as well when really I don't think I am any of those things and nobody else has ever said I am either. He is also sulky or moody for no reason sometimes, he acts irritated by me, I know it could be his bipolar and it probably is but it's not very good for my self esteem, I am in recovery myself for sex and love addiction

 

He asks to go for lunch sometimes and when we have lunch he just gets out his phone and looks at it throughout the meal barely talking to me saying he just wants to zone out but it makes me feel boring and I stopped having lunch with him at one point making excuses but when I did he began to ask me every day for lunch and I wondered what for as he didn't exactly seem to enjoy my company

 

He asks what I am up to every evening and weekend and he wants me to come down and leave the building with him every day and goes huffy if I don't. There are several exits and he seems to enjoy selecting the exit and then having me follow him and also often he asks me to wait while he goes to the bathroom, he's very controlling and always has to be the one to leave you first, you can never leave him

 

For no reason sometimes he is very rude when we say bye after work yet other times he is really nice, sometimes he is very nice, kind and caring and also apologetic, other times he is really rude, dismissive and he seems to be being really nice and complimentary to everybody in the office apart from me. He also flirts a lot sometimes and makes innuendo and jokes with me that are a bit below the belt and later I sometimes feel a bit uncomfortable about them, though I am an eager participant at the time as I feel attracted to him a lot of the time, though sometimes his rudeness puts me right off him!

 

I guess I was just really hurt this week and that's why I'm posting here. He had a depressive episode at work and I was really nice to him, I rescued him I guess, my bad, shouldn't have done and then the next day he flirted with another girl in the office and he was quite rude to me.

 

I also feel anxious because I revealed to him I had a breakdown earlier last year and was off work for two months and I'm seeing a counsellor, I feel uncomfortable about telling him.

 

I'm confused, don't know what is going on, advice so much appreciated thank you!!!!!!!! This is difficult because I can't set boundaries or withdraw from the situation as it's work and to make matters worse another girl there, lady boss, is now competing with me for his attentions but that's another story

 

Just like the other guy I knew as well he can be really warm, lovely and caring and he was at the beginning of the week but then he just changed, both of them also had very difficult relationships with their mums, feeling obligated on one hand to take care of them because they were vulnerable and on the other hand resenting it I guess so I can understand, I'd just appreciate some guidance on what I should do / tips thanks

 

Yesterday I ended up crying in the ladies for 30 mins and when I came out he asked if I was okay and he was all nice again however by the end of the day he was starting to be rude again, he is always apologetic afterwards XX

Edited April 25, 2015 by Dear Lady Disdain

[SycamoreCircle]

This is difficult because I can't set boundaries

Congratulations! You've correctly diagnosed your problem. OP, I don't care what the relationship is, I don't care what is at stake---we can ALWAYS set boundaries. If you were to communicate face to face, privately with this man your problem with him, without becoming emotional, you could get what you want.

 

And if you didn't get what you want---if you were fired or the abuse continued---then it's up to you to accept and respect your boundaries. You realize that no change for the better would have occurred.

Edited April 25, 2015 by SycamoreCircle

[melissacus]

This isn't healthy for you at all. Stop associating with him outside of a professional basis. Communicate this with him and if he doesn't respect it, talk to your manager about it. You don't deserve this treatment, love.

[Dear Lady Disdain]

Thank you for your replies, made me happy to see them and helped me feel a bit better, yes it probably would be a good idea to communicate with him about this in private, I've just seen my therapist and she's advised me to listen but not become enmeshed and also to say that it's hurtful to me when he makes those comments and treats other women in the office better than me when I treat him better than them - so thinking about that

And yes, you are spot on Sycamore, I do NEED to set a boundary then I'll feel more in control of things

 

melissacus thank you too, I don't think I should be having lunch with him even really, but when I do set a boundary or try to stop the lunches, he starts to ask every day, texted me within the lunch hour or becomes really mean and moody then or flirts and acts really nice with all the other women in the office while being mean to just me ( he is the loan male in my team of five women by the way! )

 

I have managed to set a boundary of not being in touch with him outside of office hours which he seems to respect and we don't normally communicate ever at evenings or at weekends

 

I feel trapped in a horrible cycle though. On one hand, one part of me likes the attention paid to me and craves it, so that I feel disappointed when he distances himself or is mean and that part of me wants to keep him sweet, follow him around, follow his orders so that he continues to give me the attention ( sick part of me? ) I grew up with a controlling father and like the idea of being controlled

 

I only realised today though that this whole dynamic and relationship between us is causing me pain, physically and emotionally. I am drained, my back is extremely sore and breathing is tight, I often can't breathe before going to the office and above all, I just feel used and abused really. I am very sympathetic and kind to him and listen to his problems but in return he treats me really badly, venting and dumping his stuff on me and putting me down as well

 

There is another very pretty married woman in the office whom he regularly slags off to me ( she is his manager ) yet to her face he flatters her, says she looks nice etc ( this may be so he can keep his job, he is an agency worker ) and this just makes matters worse somehow. He also talks to me a lot about how hot and pretty other women are

 

The woman above gets into a huff when he pays more attention to me than to her and goes into a mood and starts to slam stuff about and now she has started wearing sexy tops etc to try and compete with me so work is very stressful at the moment.

 

I am worried I will soon start to feel totally inferior to all the women there whom he compliments and acts charmingly towards, thankfully that hasn't happened yet and he has been nice on a few occasions about my appearance as well and he flirts with me too, but it's the implications constantly that I am dumb and thick that I cannot stand

 

Example: I didn't have whatsapp installed on my phone and he said " god get with it, you missed the memo, late to the party again! You're just like my mum, useless with technology!!! ", tells me I should manage my money better, that he doesn't like the way I don't listen to him sometimes ( said this in the morning to me when nobody else was there ) he lectures me as if everything I do is wrong, told me off for pointing once and also, not sure if this means anything, said when he leans back in his hair he feels like slapping my head - I asked why and he said he always does this with his friends?

 

Said about a town where he thinks the people are common - " you said you'd like to live there, and that says it all really". When I said that I was the only poor girl in my fee paying school, that I got a scholarship he mocked and said " oh and you ended up working here! "

 

In addition to this, he's always saying how guilty he feels for being " harsh " with the pretty woman I mentioned earlier on when he treats me much worse and saying he feels sorry for her because she's had a " hard life " ( she hasn't at all really, she is very pretty, wealthy and pampered and confident though he's always saying that she's " shy ", she has also been nasty to him on occasions, much nastier than I've ever been, nobody trusts her in the office very much )

 

Ever since I began in the job six months ago he seems to try to make me feel as if I'm a ) dumb and he's also called me " pretty weird " and b ) common

 

Both things he has said about his mum many a time, his mum is also bipolar like him

 

The above REALLY hurts when he does it!

 

I wanted to add that what makes it more confusing is mixed messages, by saying he'd like to go for lunch in a restaurant, then saying he wished there was a beach downstairs we could go to together, wouldn't I like to meet a devoted man to protect me in my life, offering me a pass to use the shower in his gym because I had no hot water and being very nice, funny and kind some of the time as well, putting winks and a kiss once at the end of his texts and flirting

 

If I'm honest, alarm bells rang when I first met him really and our first lunch together, he asked me if I'd had a happy childhood or not and also asked if colleague above was controlled by her husband / liked being controlled which seemed a bit strange and said " I wouldn't have lunch with somebody if I didn't like them " about us, though he'd only just met me, he said since he'd met me everything was going right in his life for him which was a really nice thing to say I guess but the over-familiarity was a bit strange, he has no boundaries. I feel a sense of alarm at going into work as well and seeing him in my gut.

Another odd thing was that I attend Sex and Love Addicts anonymous and one day I brought some literature to work in a carrier bag and left the carrier bag at lunchtime, he was alone in the office and when I was going home he cracked a joke and said " where are you off to? Office Workers Anonymous? Sittting round in a dusty church hall? " - I was worried actually that he had been looking through my bag after that, it seemed a weird coincidence!

 

When he first started we went to the gym a few times, I went in the jacuzzi there as a guest while he worked out, but even then if I was unable to go on the date he suggested ( one day before, to be immediately available ) he'd be angry and in a mood and a huff about it, I started walking on eggshells around him and now I don't go to the gym with him any longer

 

Ah yes and I forgot to mention something vital, he is fourteen years younger than me too, I guess I thought I'd take him under my wing really as he's had an awful life but it's thankless and he treats me worse for it. Mixed in with this is feelings of attraction towards him as well. His mum is ten years older than his dad

 

I feel guilty as well about setting boundaries, I was trained to care for others more than myself. Yesterday I went for lunch without him and he didn't leave the office like he normally does for long. My manager said, " aren't you going out today? " and he said he'd rather sit in his seat in the office and he seemed all unhappy and miserable that I wasn't speaking to him. We went to the kitchen ( he asked if I'd go there with him ) and told me how horrible his mum had been to him and I sympathised, but then later that night when we went downstairs to go home, because I couldn't walk the bus stop with him, I was going out, he went off very moodily and didn't wish me a good weekend or anything, perhaps it's just the bipolar and setting boundaries would help

 

Thanks if you've read this vent from me, but I'm finding it hard to cope with, I'm trying to detach and just get on with my life and not let this stuff get to me but it hurts

 

Thanks X X

Edited April 25, 2015 by Dear Lady Disdain

[Dear Lady Disdain]

Having read my own post above just now, maybe this is all just about my own issues / insecurities around relationships and I'm blowing all of this up. Possibly. I don't know

Maybe it's not as bad as it seems, honest feedback welcomed thank you XX

[d0nnivain]

Are you in therapy? If not, start, soon.

 

You are not strong enough to fix somebody else so stop trying. You need to figure out how to set boundaries & deal with your own stuff.

 

If you think your colleague is suicidal, report it to HR & /or the police. He can be involuntarily committed for his own safety but you can't fix him.

[Dear Lady Disdain]

Hi Donnovain, I am in therapy yes for almost one year now and I also attend al-anon and SLAA so plenty of therapy

Yes boundaries boundaries boundaries and I've got to remember I can't fix him, I can't even fix myself

 

I really hope he is not suicidal, I asked him and he said no, but if I thought it was serious I would have to do something, I may have to ask him

 

He seems to want me to play the role of fixing / rescuing him which I felt like I had to do I guess but yeah you're right, I am not up to the job! And I need to recover and sort out my own life

 

Luckily there is a chapter about boundaries in my book " Beyond Codependency " which I'll read :-)

 

I must say I am quite happy today though, I know my therapy is working and I am not as sick as I used to be. I am so happy today to have space for myself and some detachment from him, in the past I would have just missed him and been totally obsessed ( that was my old pattern ) but now it's feeling great to have space to do my own thing and not have the involvement and that seems a good sign of recovery!

 

TBH though aspects of what I posted might seem a bit warped / sick above, the thing about being controlled, that is dying down in me and also I don't honestly think this'd be an easy situation for anybody to deal with, we are a team of two at work as well so he spends more time with me than anyone and this would be tricky for the healthiest of people

 

I care about him, but can't care FOR him, I think the boundaries will help

 

Thanks X

Edited April 25, 2015 by Dear Lady Disdain