Hehe you were all right

[badpenny]

He's not awful. He's just broken.

Condemning him for having issues is like us being critical of your looks.

Unreasonable, but "you" can make changes which will make you feel better.

Same goes for him.

If he wants to make changes to the way he behaves, then he should.

but he has to do it.

Until then, he's not 'awful', he just needs work.

 

maybe, instead of feeling so proud of how you stuck with him when other women didn't, may be a signal to you to think about why they might have fled.

Sticking around, to you, seems commendable, against their fleeing.

 

Or maybe it was in fact foolish of you to ignore their actions, because they had a point (as is now evident) and you didn't pay attention to that.

 

It's like rats deserting a sinking ship. Are they really so poor in their evaluation of the situation?

 

He's broken. And only he can fix it.

But he isn't awful....

[MuddyFootprints]

Please correct me if I'm wrong, but I recall something about the neighbour having a girlfriend?

[Leigh 87]

Please correct me if I'm wrong, but I recall something about the neighbour having a girlfriend?

 

They had wives. They are long time friends. I know their wives. Going out dancing with them was harmless.

 

The other neighbour I met and hooked up with had a girl he was seeing for about two months. Which I of course found out AFTER the fact

 

I looked her up on facebook and she posted pics of them together and pics of flowers he got her " Such A Too Guy " she would post:sick: Little did she knows that he didn't even consider her to be his gf and he couldn't turn down the attraction he felt for me. A man in love wouldnt have put himself in that position to begin with.

 

When I have bfs I stay well away from other men I know I feel mutual chemistry with !

 

[elaine567]

You can lead a horse to water...

[Leigh 87]

You can lead a horse to water...

 

I didn't cheat.

 

He laid next to me and cuddled me in bed at night, had sex with me, told me how perfectly we fit together and how much he wanted me and felt lucky to have me, WHEN HE WAS TEXTING OTHER WOMEN, EVERY DAY.

 

Where as I would never do that. I'd break it off with a guy if I couldn't be faithful.

[elaine567]

I didn't cheat.

 

He laid next to me and cuddled me in bed at night, had sex with me, told me how perfectly we fit together and how much he wanted me and felt lucky to have me, WHEN HE WAS TEXTING OTHER WOMEN, EVERY DAY.

 

Where as I would never do that. I'd break it off with a guy if I couldn't be faithful.

He thought you were "a cheating dog", so you were then demoted to f*ck buddy. As he then saw you as a FWB, he owed you nothing.

[ExpatInItaly]

Seven months single isn't " it just ain't working "

 

Several years sure, it ain't working.

 

I'm an attractive girl to ENOUGH guys for me to expect to find the fireworks with the right man.

 

It takes time.

 

The less than intense chemistry also hasn't worked. I was never content with less than spectacular chemistry. I was not content with NEVER feeling that " in love " feeling.

 

So trust me. Having a super nice, solid and perfect match in terms of compatibility NEVER made me feel thrilled to be with those men even after 2 to 10 months of trying to will myself to be " elated " with the relationship despite the lack of intense chemistry.

 

After this latest lying scumbag, I have learnt a very valuable lesson......

It's not going for intense chemistry that, by the way, many couples get; it's the fact I am too nice and overlook red flags.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have to stop been too nice to men who have blaring red flags. THAT, is my problem. NOT going for men who I have the best chemistry with.

 

The length of time has nothing to do with it. It's the fact that you post thread after thread of the same problems, in which you repeat the same things. The common denominator is you. This fixation on sparks is only part of the issue. The larger problem appears to be the need for validation, and you're getting it in all the wrong places.

[Leigh 87]

He thought you were "a cheating dog", so you were then demoted to f*ck buddy. As he then saw you as a FWB, he owed you nothing.

 

Then he should have made me his fbuddy.

 

He said we were bf and gf.

 

He told me " I'm heartbroken I feel you have cheated but we are still gf bf"

 

That's on HIM for not ending it.

[Leigh 87]

The length of time has nothing to do with it. It's the fact that you post thread after thread of the same problems, in which you repeat the same things. The common denominator is you. This fixation on sparks is only part of the issue. The larger problem appears to be the need for validation, and you're getting it in all the wrong places.

 

No no and no.

 

I prefer to fall head over heels, have a spark and for me AND the guy to feel giddy and excited about going on a second date. That's just what some people prefer.

 

That's the way I prefer to experience feelings and men. I've tried the slow burn multiple times and didn't enjoy it. Because ultimately having a " partner " is a bonus and not important to me. I have to feel that in love feeling that only that limerent and infatuation period yields....

 

Some being prefer to be smitten. Where as others prefer the slow burn..

 

It's just the way I enjoy dating.

 

I HAVE tried dating men without the spark or fireworks and I didn't enjoy dating them. Sure they were loyal and good to me but I couldn't stomach the idea of living without feeling that crazy in love feeling for them.

 

I need to take things slower and NOT accept gf bf titles so early.

 

I don't need to try to date men I have no urge to make out with at first just because they are so nice.

[Leigh 87]

The length of time has nothing to do with it. It's the fact that you post thread after thread of the same problems, in which you repeat the same things. The common denominator is you. This fixation on sparks is only part of the issue. The larger problem appears to be the need for validation, and you're getting it in all the wrong places.

 

Going for men who aren't enamoured with me and who I'm not that into but I grow to love dmostly due to their character SANS fireworks and the in love feeling, won't make me happy either.

 

I don't need to omit sparks. There are other lessons to learn and new red flags I know never to overlook now.

 

Plenty of people were infatuated and smitten with their partners. I will very likely find a great love story too versus a slow burn where there is no crazy in love feeling and the sex is good but never great..

 

It's other things I need to change. Such as never avoiding red flags and listening to my gut as opposed to ignoring my instincts simply because I'm smitten.

[clia]

Are we still talking about the guy you dated for three weeks?

 

I'm sorry, but it's confusing because the story keeps changing.

[Rejected Rosebud]

How on earth is going out dancing for the first time since 2013, with married men who, being a cheating dog.

It doesn't make you a cheating dog!!! But you did NOT 'go out dancing" you said you did it in one of their homes which is IMO wildly inappropriate even if you weren't dating someone else I mean Leigh, who does that?? It's not "better" than a guy you barely started dating texting other girls that's for sure!!

 

Do you ever question yourself at all? Or is it always you require this and that and you will not settle for anything but this or that and when it doesn't pan out it had NOTHING to do with you at all??? Srsly please answer.

[Rejected Rosebud]

They had wives. They are long time friends. I know their wives. Going out dancing with them was harmless.

 

The other neighbour I met and hooked up with had a girl he was seeing for about two months. Which I of course found out AFTER the fact

 

Um sorry Leigh but you told us that he said he had a gf (of course you were much hotter and better in every way) when he picked you up off the street plus you "went out dancing" inside the married neighbor's home ... -

 

Leigh I know you are smart, will you please show us the respect of at least TRYING to keep your stories straight? You can do that. I am sorry to say this but you represent yourself as a dishonest person.

 

[Hope Shimmers]

He said we were bf and gf.

 

No, at age 28 (and I'm shocked at reading that; I thought you were 17 or 18 based on these threads) you should have enough emotional maturity to figure out that dating someone for 3 weeks does not make them your 'bf' or 'gf' or anywhere near enough time for him to be 'smitten' with you.

 

All you talk about, in almost every single post, is how physically attractive you are. Well here's a bit of news - there are MILLIONS of physically beautiful women out there. So you need to use much better criteria for deciding if some guy is 'the one' other than if he just wants to get into your pants because you aren't ugly.

 

This whole thing is sad because you talk about 'chemistry' as if it is something that is instantaneously present, and it isn't. You are basing your choices on whether or not some guy wants to immediately jump into bed with you five minutes after meeting, and you feel the same. That is NOT chemistry and if you would grow up and date in a more mature way you would find out what the real thing is. You are acting like a horny teenager, not a mature woman in adult relationships.

[ExpatInItaly]

No no and no.

 

I prefer to fall head over heels, have a spark and for me AND the guy to feel giddy and excited about going on a second date. That's just what some people prefer.

 

That's the way I prefer to experience feelings and men. I've tried the slow burn multiple times and didn't enjoy it. Because ultimately having a " partner " is a bonus and not important to me. I have to feel that in love feeling that only that limerent and infatuation period yields....

 

Some being prefer to be smitten. Where as others prefer the slow burn..

 

It's just the way I enjoy dating.

 

I HAVE tried dating men without the spark or fireworks and I didn't enjoy dating them. Sure they were loyal and good to me but I couldn't stomach the idea of living without feeling that crazy in love feeling for them.

 

I need to take things slower and NOT accept gf bf titles so early.

 

I don't need to try to date men I have no urge to make out with at first just because they are so nice.

 

No. Unfortunately, you seem to have entirely missed my point. I wasn't making a point about sparks or chemistry or anything of the sort. Nor was I suggesting you shouldn't seek that. There's no need to repeat how you feel about that yet again. So let's get off that wagon for a while.

 

I was making the point that your need for validation is clouding your good judgment. It puts you in a weak position because you rush into things and ignore your instincts without getting to know a man. You hear the word "smitten" and suddenly fall right into the role of supportive girlfriend when you hardly know the man. It's not healthy and look what's happened. You're hurt and you feel betrayed - which isn't unreasonable, but you don't seem to be able to separate lust from true affection and respect.

 

It has zero to do with chemisty. It has everything to do with a strong sense of self-worth and self-love. True self-love, not the kind in which you feel the need to broadcast your own amazing traits over and over.

[Leigh 87]

No. Unfortunately, you seem to have entirely missed my point. I wasn't making a point about sparks or chemistry or anything of the sort. Nor was I suggesting you shouldn't seek that. There's no need to repeat how you feel about that yet again. So let's get off that wagon for a while.

 

I was making the point that your need for validation is clouding your good judgment. It puts you in a weak position because you rush into things and ignore your instincts without getting to know a man. You hear the word "smitten" and suddenly fall right into the role of supportive girlfriend when you hardly know the man. It's not healthy and look what's happened. You're hurt and you feel betrayed - which isn't unreasonable, but you don't seem to be able to separate lust from true affection and respect.

 

It has zero to do with chemisty. It has everything to do with a strong sense of self-worth and self-love. True self-love, not the kind in which you feel the need to broadcast your own amazing traits over and over.

 

 

 

I do want to take it a lot slower.

 

 

I want the guy to FEEL enamoured but I would like a guy that also acts normal about it.

[Leigh 87]

You DESERVE support?

Listen, you got a myriad of posts advising you what do to and you ignored it regardless, so now you feel like you are entitled to support?

 

 

 

I don't know a SINGLE man on this planet that wouldn't have at least felt a red flag coming on if a woman they had gone one 1 or 2 dates with said to me, "I am going to go dancing with 2 male friends." Regardless of whether they are married or not, it wouldn't matter. It'd raise an eyebrow for sure.

 

Again, you two were only a week or so in. Not even a MONTH.

It's all very hurtful and deceitful? You two were never clear to begin with.

 

You flip flopped between dumping him, keeping him, staying as FWB's within pages of the original thread. You weren't even clear on what you wanted to do. You're just hurt because he dumped you when you KNEW you should have ended it sooner than that.

 

 

 

You are actually calling him your "ex"?

 

 

 

I really hate how women will get butthurt about men, when they aren't even 100% sure of what they want. You were fine with checking out of the relationship on your terms, but all of a sudden your "boyfriend" of a week doesn't like you dancing with men and he is "cheating" on you.

 

You allowed yourself to be paraded. You made a conscious choice to continue with him even though many people told you not to. Thread after thread, people advise you in certain ways and you just carry on however you want and then lament the outcome.

 

As an aside to what you are saying about how "attractive" you are. Congrats, enjoy that while it lasts. Keep boasting about it. I saw women like you when I bartended two decades ago, they were the ones recounting their glory days and "Where have all the good men gone?"

 

You need to work on YOURSELF, dear. Be that girl who wanted to work on her business and school, discover yourself, and stop this crap about "If I walked into a bar with you" because as another poster already said, any woman can walk into a bar and turn heads. That's the easy part. It's finding someone who will even want to go out or stick around that's the hard part.

 

Clearly you are finding this out.

 

But all I see from you is blame-shifting and you THINKING that you know what you need to be happy, but clearly, that isn't the case.

 

There's only so many times you DESERVE support. I think those times are running out for you.

 

 

I got cheated on.

 

I asked him if he was sure he wanted to continue " exclusively " together.

 

He said YES.

 

He told me he WANTED to stay my bf.

 

He told me he wanted us to stay exclusive bf gf.

 

He took me on dates. He told me to invite my mates. When out, he told my friends how he " though I was so beautiful and adored me"

 

Heck, he texted that one guy saying that " he still adored me but didn't trust me"

 

While he called and texted other women.

 

While I was so so empathetic about his situation with his ex and new son. I offered support daily.

 

I didn't deserve it. I was flipped flopping because I could sence that something was amiss. I knew he had changed after I danced with my mates. But i cared about him and wanted to support him. Through a hard time.

 

He betrayed me fair and square. While I was trying so hard to be supportive and overlook millions of red flags in order to be there to support him through what is a hard time.

Edited April 26, 2015 by Leigh 87

[Leigh 87]

I don't see what's not mildly unfeeling and sociopathic to call someone a gf and tell them u want to be EXCLUSIVE to one a order, all the whole chatting to other women

 

And I never go out and the ONE TIME in over a year that I do go out with two trusted male friends who are married, I get blasted???????????

 

Lol I even told him of my whereabouts and asked him to join me.

 

The one time I go out to let of steam after my dad has a freaking mild heart attack and I am somehow in the wrong?????

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't see what's not mildly unfeeling and sociopathic to call someone a gf and tell them u want to be EXCLUSIVE to one a order, all the whole chatting to other women

 

And I never go out and the ONE TIME in over a year that I do go out with two trusted male friends who are married, I get blasted???????????

 

Lol I even told him of my whereabouts and asked him to join me.

 

The one time I go out to let of steam after my dad has a freaking mild heart attack and I am somehow in the wrong?????

 

And how did he respond to that?

[clia]

He betrayed me fair and square. While I was trying so hard to be supportive and overlook millions of red flags in order to be there to support him through what is a hard time.

 

And this is exactly why it's a bad idea to be so invested with a man and all his drama after only three weeks.

 

You are talking about this guy as though you had a long history with him ("parading you around" in front of his friends, dates, etc.) when the reality is that you barely knew him. How many times did you actually go out with this guy? Five, six? As you yourself noted, there were millions of red flags, yet you ignored them all. You had no history at all with this guy.

 

Just slow it down next time and don't be so anxious to have a "boyfriend." As much as you want to pin it all on him, you were on this site within a week of meeting him talking about him being your "boyfriend," so you weren't exactly trying to slow him down.

 

And sorry, but I don't buy it that it was the other guy that you cheated on with the neighbor. Your own posts indicate that you had dumped that guy by the time you met the neighbor and this guy, which you said was on the exact same day. It doesn't do you any good to try to rewrite history to cast yourself in a better light. This guy had every reason to believe you would cheat on him...because you did.

 

(But I'm not trying to defend his actions -- I think it's crappy that he was texting other women when you were allegedly exclusive and you are much better off without him.)

[Leigh 87]

And how did he respond to that?

 

He asked how my dad was of course first and foremost.

 

He said he can't trust me so when there is no trust there is no relationship.

 

He was a mess at work ( saw two texts from fellow engineers who asked him what was up and why he was acting like he wanted to kill someone lol) and then he proceed to get drunk and call me to please come over to talk to him.

 

He took me back and said he was very apprehensive......

He took me on a couple of dates..my friends and his friends commented among themselves ( according to my friend) that " he seems smitten, it's obvious he adores her "

 

So he put in a very good front to those around him. I wasn't the only one who guessed that he was into me..

[ExpatInItaly]

He asked how my dad was of course first and foremost.

 

He said he can't trust me so when there is no trust there is no relationship.

 

He was a mess at work ( saw two texts from fellow engineers who asked him what was up and why he was acting like he wanted to kill someone lol) and then he proceed to get drunk and call me to please come over to talk to him.

 

He took me back and said he was very apprehensive......

He took me on a couple of dates..my friends and his friends commented among themselves ( according to my friend) that " he seems smitten, it's obvious he adores her "

 

So he put in a very good front to those around him. I wasn't the only one who guessed that he was into me..

 

What type of messages had you exchanged prior to him stating there was no trust?

 

Was he already upset when you asked him to join all of you? I don't get the timeline of events here.

[Leigh 87]

And this is exactly why it's a bad idea to be so invested with a man and all his drama after only three weeks.

 

You are talking about this guy as though you had a long history with him ("parading you around" in front of his friends, dates, etc.) when the reality is that you barely knew him. How many times did you actually go out with this guy? Five, six? As you yourself noted, there were millions of red flags, yet you ignored them all. You had no history at all with this guy.

 

Just slow it down next time and don't be so anxious to have a "boyfriend." As much as you want to pin it all on him, you were on this site within a week of meeting him talking about him being your "boyfriend," so you weren't exactly trying to slow him down.

 

And sorry, but I don't buy it that it was the other guy that you cheated on with the neighbor. Your own posts indicate that you had dumped that guy by the time you met the neighbor and this guy, which you said was on the exact same day. It doesn't do you any good to try to rewrite history to cast yourself in a better light. This guy had every reason to believe you would cheat on him...because you did.

 

(But I'm not trying to defend his actions -- I think it's crappy that he was texting other women when you were allegedly exclusive and you are much better off without him.)

 

 

 

I seriously didn't cheat!!!!!

 

I slept with a neighbour the day I met him. We fooled around. No sex. Yes it's gross, the chemistry was enormous and we clicked.... I didn't know he had a girl he was seeing.

 

I met the then bf THAT NIGHT.

 

I cut neighbour out because I was smitten with my bf at the time.

 

I went out dancing with two neighbour friends who I know their wives so nothing suspect there.

 

And I am not the one who wanted bf gf....... I wasn't even aware I was his gf HE is the one who was all " u were my GF.....and u dogged me with other dudes "

 

He said it was very soon for bf gf, he even texted his cousin and friend that it was too soon but that he " felt I was different "

[Leigh 87]

What type of messages had you exchanged prior to him stating there was no trust?

 

Was he already upset when you asked him to join all of you? I don't get the timeline of events here.

 

He was SMITTEN until I went out with neighbours.

 

He changed his tune after. Totally changed.

 

But still said he wanted me as a gf.

[Leigh 87]

So unfortunately, even a legit man who wants to make me his gf early......even if he's wonderful seeming, should I run or should talk talk to him about it and say " let's get to know each other better first "

 

Run or talk it through?