Continue NC or put more effort to reconcile?

[we'llneverknow]

I've been reading a lot on LS lately. Many of you said in terms of reconciling, the dumper has to do all the heavy lifting, while the dumpee should go all NC until the dumper has proven worthy. Now here's the thing, I don't know if I'm the dumper or the dumpee. I don't know what to do.

 

This is going to be long, I apologise in advance.

 

My ex and I had a wonderful relationship for a few years. Things were really great, I felt a lot of trust, love and adoration between us. There had been tough times, but I've always tried my best to be supportive and we stayed strong.

 

As years went on, I noticed he'd avoid commenting on anything regarding a future together. It was fine until 3 years in, I decided that I wanted his opinion on the subject and asked if he's thought about moving forward. It's not that I wanted to get married straight away, but I hoped we could work towards that goal if he wanted it too. He said he was not ready - which I was ok with. I'm happy wait if he knew that I was the one he wanted to build a life together with. But he said he wasn't sure if I was the one. I was disappointed, but I told him he can take all the time he needs to think about it more, as it was important to me.

 

I never brought it up again, but he grew distant over the following 6 months.. refusing to communicate and just generally moody. I tried giving him space as he didn't want to talk about whatever he's moody about. One day I had a serious car accident but I did not tell him for a week, as he was going through his 'I need space' phase. But it made me feel that I couldn't depend on him when I needed him for emotional support. When I eventually told him, he was worried about me, but by then I had grown resentful that he kept pushing me away to a point where I felt like I could not go to him in my time of need. So I gave him an ultimatum. To either let me in, communicate and work out the issues, to choose to commit to me and work on building future together; or break up.

 

He initially asked that I think about it for an extra month or two, but I was too emotional at that point to consider it. I said he's had a long time to think. I want to be able to depend on him - now and in the future. He said that he wants to be there for me, he just too unsure about the future, his career and whether I was really 'the one' or not. I told him I loved him and want to be with him, but if he can't make the decision and choose to be with me, I can't keep going with the relationship.

 

After breaking up, I missed him too much and was regretful on the way I ended the best relationship I've ever had. I wrote him 2 long messages, apologising for the way I handled things by giving him an ultimatum. I plead we talk things out when we're both calmer. He ignored the messages. I called, and he picked up but said actually he has thought about breaking up for a long time and thinks it was the right decision. He didn't want to talk, didn't want to see me, said he doesn't want to waste my time and told me to move on. So I said I won't ask to discuss things anymore, that I truly valued his love and companionship over the years and hoped he finds what he was looking for. He said goodbye and thanked me for everything I had done for him. We've had 2 months NC since.

 

Here's where I'm confused. Him being unsure about me was a deal breaker for me. But did me breaking up with him further add to his belief that I was not the one for him after all? Was he rejecting all my efforts because I hurt him and wasn't strong enough to stick around while he thinks whether I was the one? I went into NC because I thought he needed his space to figure things out himself (and of course, for myself to heal), but I was the one who ended it with an ultimatum... which is a horrible way to end a relationship. I did not intend to give him an ultimatum, it just came out that way. But the damage was done.

 

He never explained why he was unsure about me, and I wonder everyday.. hoping if I could just pinpoint the problem, I could find potential solutions. Maybe he didn't feel financially secure enough to consider settling down, but couldn't he just have said something like "I want you, I'm just not ready yet"? I was happy to wait, if he was certain I was the one. Or maybe it's because I was his first girlfriend, and it's GIGS. I wonder if it's his lack of relationship experience that makes him uncertain, as he doesn't have much to compare me with. Perhaps he's curious about what else is out there.

 

Could I get some male opinion on this? Was I being too selfish and asked for too much? Was I too hard on him? Is NC the way to go, or should I be really putting a lot more effort?

Edited April 27, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[darkbloom]

Listen, anyone that is serious about you will not run away just because you gave them an ultimatum. You keep discounting your feelings and focusing on his. After 3.5 years, if he can't give you an honest answer about where this is going, he is leading you on.

 

Trying harder to save the relationship will just make it fall apart faster.

 

His feelings changed so he has to be the one to get in contact with you if it's going to work out. Whether he has GIGS or something else. You still love him and want to be with him so you have the most to lose. That is why you cannot break NC.

[elaine567]

He wasn't sure about you or getting married or taking things to a different level. He stopped commenting about your future together before you even mentioned any of this.

 

Here is nothing to reconcile here, your relationship reached the point where for you it had to go somewhere, he just didn't agree with your POV.

You are obviously not "the one" for him, else he would have moved heaven and earth to get you back and he would have responded positively to your ultimatum, in fact you would not even have had to give him an ultimatum.

 

Leave it be.

[Meli22]

Sorry what you're going through it must be confusing. A similar thing happened to me, and it has also been around 2 months. I wasn't asking for the next step, he just randomly started complaining about the spark. We broke up, he came back realising what he had "lost", and then went all weird again. So I walked. And like you, I constantly wondered (still sometimes do) what happened? Why did he change? What I have realised is that its not about us personally. Also in my case, I am looking back at the rship with a clearer head and realising I was being manipulated/blamed/guilt tripped in different ways. So, I'm adjusting to being ok without him. You should try the same, think of the flaws (if any?).

 

I can't speak for your guy, it could be GIGS, it could be something else. But whatever it is, he isn't doing anything to win you back. Your ultimatum won't have made a difference so don't beat yourself up. He may miss you, he may love you, but what matters is what he is doing about it. And at the moment thats nothing. So you definitely shouldnt, this is for him to figure out. Treat this as though he isn't coming back so you don't get dissapointed, and if he does come back you'll be in a stronger position to make a better decision. Remember that you want to be with someone who feels the same way as you!

[we'llneverknow]

All of you are right. I just keep going back and forth on this, between standing up for my own needs vs fearing that I've pressured him. Even though I noticed his lack of interest in commenting about a future together even before I brought it up, I thought if I gave him more time, perhaps discussed things, he might come around.

 

Sure yeah he has some flaws. He was a great guy, but perhaps as it was his first relationship, he often held grudges on me over little things. He's stubborn and would ignore me for days like a child until I go and apologise for not being more understanding of him lol. I didn't really mind it at the time, but looking back maybe it's like darkbloom says, it got me into a habit of discounting my own feelings and focusing on his.

 

Now that we're in NC, I've tried hard to place my focus back on myself. The reason I've started questioning it all again is because his cousin has recently contacted me out of the blue asking why we broke up and if we had tried properly discuss our issues. I told her the story and somehow I got guilt tripped into believing that I should have given him more time, or I shouldn't have given him an ultimatum. I know it was the wrong approach, but I did apologise and try to reconcile.. and he was the one who refused all my attempts.

 

His cousin wasn't the only one who have reached out to me after our break up. His mother, sister and a few of his friends have all contacted me and said they felt it was a real shame we didn't work out. I don't ask them about him, they just tell me. But it does make me wonder why if his family and friends all thought we were compatible, why he didn't. And why people around him are contacting me (I don't initiate any contact to them, but I do respond politely), yet nothing from him.