My dreams

[kenmore]

This is the second time this has happened to me lately: I wake up after having a vivid dream of my wife, and I am sad and hurt. In last nights dream, she was getting married, her family and lots of my own (including relatives of my deceased wife) were there. I had stopped by the place (it must have been a clubhouse) to pick up my things because the owners told me my stuff had to be out, and when she saw me, she asked me what I was doing there and told me to leave. I even had the broken finger in the dream.

 

Of course none of it even makes sense. She wants to be alone, not re-married; my relatives (some of which are dead) would not be there; and she would never get married at a clubhouse; but when I woke up, it hurt just the same.

 

I'm doing a pretty good job of keeping my head in the right place while I'm awake these days. Perhaps I am avoiding it and have blocked it out. That sure beats dwelling on it and feeling sad all the time, but these dreams kill my emotions all morning. Long after I awaken. It took me a solid five minutes this morning to convince myself it was just a dream and none of that happened.

 

I guess there's not much to be said here, there's nothing anyone can say or do about this, but I felt that posting it may help. I also know that's stupid, it won't help, but now that i invested the time to type it, I'll leave it and see if anyone else is having this issue.

 

Ken

[ArtIsMyThing]

Yes I am having the same issue. The night before last i dreamt i was trying to carve a house out of Styrofoam - I was at the traffic lights and they exploded on the red stop - the red stop was on fire and i couldn't cross the street to go carve my house. I turned around and he was on the ground injured and i went to go save him and he was telling me 'go carve your house' but i couldn't because the traffic lights were on fire red. Symbolism in that one is pretty clear - I am letting him hold me back from making a life.

 

Last night i dreamt he was gay and i had to watch him having sex with his partner. I just woke up now really really disturbed.

 

I think it's a subconscious way of letting go. A part of the detachment.

[Yasuandio]

It happened to me just recently -- and I am usually too medicated to dream. It causes me concern, since I believed I was detached.

 

This part is Real:

 

There was a time in the mid-90's where we had done a little construction project together, it was fun, and an accomplishment. There was love-making during that day. When we finished the task, we admired our work. He went into the kitchen to open a bottle of wine to celebrate.

 

I started walking to meet him half way, and the room started spinning, and I couldn't hold my balance. It got worse and worse, and I was falling from wall to wall, to the floor helplessly. He was scared - and I started getting nauseous - he got me to the bathroom, and I just dry-heaved, with everything spinning like a top - not in circle - things were spinning in all directions.

 

911 came, and he met me at the hospital. I recall how he help my feet, and told me how much he loved me. He would not let go of my feet.

 

What had happened to me was an "8th nerve migraine" that occurs inside the exactly in the middle of your brain, where the inner ear fluid is located. The 8th nerve was swollen, and put pressure on the inner-ear fluid sack causing the lost balance. I had to start seeing a neurologist after that happened.

 

Now to the dream:

 

We have been apart since September, 2008. Our divorce was final September 2012. I have seen him a few time in my neighborhood, driving with a girl in his convertible - the first time, it ticked me off. After that, I think he pretty much looks like an idiot show off - especially with the top down in winter. Plus, the poor girl has no idea that he's driving her right by the ex wife's house, even though he is at least ten miles outta his territory. I see the other huge silver Mercedes boat come through my sub-division also - and he is a smaller size man, and looks like a child with his little bald head sticking up in that Monster Boat. He has three Mercedes like this - so, it is stupid, to me, really.

 

Well, I had a dream, where he fell in love with a beautiful girl, and kissed and loved on her feet, just as he did mine. I am really upset from that dream. If that happened, where he got a nice sweet life, I could not live in this same state, no way. In fact, I never wanted to be in this State of Georgia

I hate it. I have only the two properties from the divorce. Really sucks. I do have some ideas - but my medical care has been important to remain consistent, as the 4 year divorce was very hard on my health. But that dream makes me feel terrible. It was the mid-90's, and then he turned into a mean Nazi Snake 5 years after that. Crap, that dream bugs me today. Dang. Yas

[kenmore]

I think the dream thing is so evil because we're doing what we can in our conscious lives to move ahead, and it's difficult enough. I have used every bit of my will power to get my mind where it is today, where I'm not wishing nor hoping nor moping. I'm not happy in the least but at least I'm moving on.

 

The only place we're truly vulnerable anymore is in our dreams. Like you Yas, I'm often too medicated (on bourbon and beer) to dream much, and thank God! I need this like I need a staple in my forehead!

 

AIMT, it's so cool that you were able to figure out the symbolism. I'm lost with mine, other than the feeling of ostracization. Maybe that's all it is...

 

Hugs to you both!

 

Ken

[KBarletta]

Funny you posted this Ken.

I rarely dream of my wife anymore, but I just woke up from a dream in which I was with my daughter and she would not stop talking about my wife's new boyfriend.

I don't even know if she has one. But it took a while for me to convince myself that it was just a dream.

I do live with a fear that my wife will "replace" me though and my daughter will no longer need me. That is a real fear of mine that I think it shows.

 

KTB

[chew123]

Ahh, the dream thing. I still dream about my ex every couple of weeks. I usually wake up after them in the middle of the night in a slightly panicked state. They never really make any sense and are starting to happen less and less. I doubt they will ever go away totally but neither will she(lol).

 

She has told me she has dreams of me also. Some with me killing her. Note I have never been violent. Just her guilt haunting her a bit.

 

Divorce is just a crappy situation for all, even for the leavers.

[Esraem]

Guilt can be a powerful emotion

[i am gutted]

I too had a dream about him last night........all very muddled up though but some parts of it feeling very real.

its awful when you wake up feeling sick from whats been running through your head during your sleep.

[2.50 a gallon]

Regrettably the bad dreams of your Ex is something you might have to deal with for the rest of your life.

Years after the separation, when I hadn't actively thought of her in years, I would still on occasion be awoken by another dream of her. And it was like I was transported back to the early days of the break up, complete with the depressed, devastating feeling of hopelessness.

Even now, 35 plus years later, when I have been in a fantastic loving relationship for almost 20 years with a gal who is many times more loving and sharing, it seems about once a year I will once again have a nightmare starring my Ex.

As I have posted before, my current lady, is totally out of my league in the looks department, although a grandma to a twenty year old, still has an hour glass figure and a flat stomach. She just got out of the shower and I once again was treated to her walking around in her underwear. Total eye candy!

And I have seen photos of my Ex, easily pushing 200 pounds, you would think I would dream of my current lady, but that never happens.

Edited April 28, 2015 by 2.50 a gallon

[LifeNomad]

the dreams suck lol but at least you know your not alone ken.

 

 

I had, or have them, too, less with time, but occasionally. would wake up feeling empty

[2.50 a gallon]

Another thing I should for warn you about is triggers. As I noted in my last post, I broke up with my Ex 35 years ago, and for the past 20 years have been fantastically happy with my current love of my life.

Some eight years ago, while driving by the apartment complex where the Ex and I met on a dark rainy December day, the song on the radio, triggered me into remembering what our first Christmas was like. I had driven past and still drive past the complex dozens of times a year, and never felt anything. But on this day, the sadness of the memory was so strong that I had to pull off and stop down a side street and it took a good 5 minutes or more to regain my composure, so I could once again safely drive.

 

Just the other night it happened again. Was listening to an oldies channel while working on my computer, when the song "Forever" came on, which I hadn't heard in decades.

 

For those who are much younger, and probably have never heard the song. It is quite romantic, simple soft melody, with the lyrics,

Hold me

Kiss me

Whisper sweetly

That you

Love me

Forever!

I was triggered back to remembering the times that I danced with the Ex, to those same lyrics. Even though the love of my life, was sleeping in the next room, I was reduced to tears, remembering the loss of some 30 plus years ago.

[kenmore]

Thanks 2.50 a gallon, you really know how to cheer someone up!

 

Kidding, I completely get what you mean. Beware the triggers!

[jen1447]

My BF dreams about his last ex regularly. (Extremely sh*tty breakup where he bscly got flushed down the toilet.) In these dreams he's always looking around for her in a variety of environments but can never find her. She may have been in some of the locations somewhat recently, but he's always more or less too late.

 

Human psychology can be a b*itch sometimes lol.

[Lion Heart]

Funny you posted this Ken.

I rarely dream of my wife anymore, but I just woke up from a dream in which I was with my daughter and she would not stop talking about my wife's new boyfriend.

I don't even know if she has one. But it took a while for me to convince myself that it was just a dream.

I do live with a fear that my wife will "replace" me though and my daughter will no longer need me. That is a real fear of mine that I think it shows.

 

KTB

 

Your daughter will ALWAYS need you. You can take that to the bank.

Lion Heart.

[Lion Heart]

Sometimes my dreams are so vivid that I've woken up because I was crying, then kept crying because I thought they were real.

 

That was more or less the pattern of 7 or so dreams I had (while M) over a 2-3y period. My H was having sex with OW. Each time a different woman and different place.

 

The weirdest one before D Day was when my H was actually applying online for a part time job. The night he told me WHERE he was applying for the job, I had a dream he was having sex in the storeroom of that place. Within 2 months he met OW there, she was a customer and he was sacked after OW got sour that the A ended.

 

After D Day I dreamt he was in sexual acts with a line of sailors.

My friends came to tell me, so I could see it with my own eyes.

I did. I was shocked and horrified. WH just laughed at me and said "Whaddaya want" very cruelly without stopping. Then I asked my friends to hurry up and grab all my belongings whilst crying my eyes out. 3 or 4 friends were searching everywhere for something to put in their huge garbage bags. They couldn't find a thing to pick up. Finally my friend, who's actually a Uni lecturer & I respect very much, said "Lion Heart!!!! There's nothing here. There's nothing to pick up. You've just got to leave now." I was so overwhelmed with grief that my friends had to hold me stable and almost carry me out. We drove off.

 

It may sound strange to some but the dreams I've had usually are some type of warning about my H. Therefore I've now got more faith in my dreams than faith in him. His actions have made sure of it.

 

It also happened a week before my exWH had his A. I dreamt that I used his sunglasses to stab him in the throat. I told him through tears in the middle of the night saying "Why?? Why would I EVER have reason to FEEL that way about you??? I love you. I could never hurt you!" Maybe he already knew.

Anyway I didn't feel murderous towards him. I upped and left the very next day after kicking his butt to the curb first!

 

Lion Heart.

[2.50 a gallon]

Kenmore

 

 

I just wanted the group to be aware, it can still happen decades later.

However, it takes some pretty extraordinary circumstances.

My Ex was extremely sexy, 5' 10", long shapely legs, with a body and face she was total fold out material. All the better as she loved sex. As for the first Christmas, as I was setting up the tree, she disappeared back into the bedroom. She came out wearing this awesome black see through black thing she had bought at Fredericks, high heels and fishnet hose. She then made me a large Run and coke, lit me a cigar and said watch and enjoy. I will let your mind imagine what it was like watching this gorgeous sexy creature bend down to pick up and lean into the tree to hang the ornaments. Who knew trimming a tree could be so sexy? And all the while knowing that this was just the build up, as later I would get to ravage that sexy body in that sexy costume. It was Hefner eat your heart out!

It was that memory that triggered me.

Also this was my 60th Christmas. Oh to be young again!

Edited April 30, 2015 by 2.50 a gallon

[KBarletta]

Your daughter will ALWAYS need you. You can take that to the bank.

Lion Heart.

 

Thank you for that, LH. Your short comment (which I believe is true, but which is easy to forget when you're hurting) made my morning.

[kenmore]

My BF dreams about his last ex regularly. (Extremely sh*tty breakup where he bscly got flushed down the toilet.) In these dreams he's always looking around for her in a variety of environments but can never find her. She may have been in some of the locations somewhat recently, but he's always more or less too late.

 

Human psychology can be a b*itch sometimes lol.

 

It's interesting he confides this to you. Most women I know would not be happy about their BF dreaming about any other woman, especially an ex. Does this bother you?

[kenmore]

Sometimes my dreams are so vivid that I've woken up because I was crying, then kept crying because I thought they were real.

 

That was more or less the pattern of 7 or so dreams I had (while M) over a 2-3y period. My H was having sex with OW. Each time a different woman and different place.

 

The weirdest one before D Day was when my H was actually applying online for a part time job. The night he told me WHERE he was applying for the job, I had a dream he was having sex in the storeroom of that place. Within 2 months he met OW there, she was a customer and he was sacked after OW got sour that the A ended.

 

After D Day I dreamt he was in sexual acts with a line of sailors.

My friends came to tell me, so I could see it with my own eyes.

I did. I was shocked and horrified. WH just laughed at me and said "Whaddaya want" very cruelly without stopping. Then I asked my friends to hurry up and grab all my belongings whilst crying my eyes out. 3 or 4 friends were searching everywhere for something to put in their huge garbage bags. They couldn't find a thing to pick up. Finally my friend, who's actually a Uni lecturer & I respect very much, said "Lion Heart!!!! There's nothing here. There's nothing to pick up. You've just got to leave now." I was so overwhelmed with grief that my friends had to hold me stable and almost carry me out. We drove off.

 

It may sound strange to some but the dreams I've had usually are some type of warning about my H. Therefore I've now got more faith in my dreams than faith in him. His actions have made sure of it.

 

It also happened a week before my exWH had his A. I dreamt that I used his sunglasses to stab him in the throat. I told him through tears in the middle of the night saying "Why?? Why would I EVER have reason to FEEL that way about you??? I love you. I could never hurt you!" Maybe he already knew.

Anyway I didn't feel murderous towards him. I upped and left the very next day after kicking his butt to the curb first!

 

Lion Heart.

 

Wow Lion Heart, that's intense sh*t! I applaud you for telling us that, and for your capacity to see what some of it meant and believe in it as it was true (at least some of it as far as we know.)

 

I never had bad dreams about my wife before we split, but then I thought we were happy. Even now, the only reason they are bad is because I never wanted this, so a "happy" dream can be a bad dream. Her getting married to someone else is certainly not a happy dream to me, but at least I was not cutting her throat out with sunglasses LOL.

 

Sorry, not laughing at you, laughing WITH you (are you laughing?) I know it's not funny in a deep sort of way, but I enjoyed your story! I hope you are not bothered by that dream anymore.

 

And huge HUGS!!! Glad to see you posting!

 

Ken

[kenmore]

Kenmore

 

 

I just wanted the group to be aware, it can still happen decades later.

However, it takes some pretty extraordinary circumstances.

My Ex was extremely sexy, 5' 10", long shapely legs, with a body and face she was total fold out material. All the better as she loved sex. As for the first Christmas, as I was setting up the tree, she disappeared back into the bedroom. She came out wearing this awesome black see through black thing she had bought at Fredericks, high heels and fishnet hose. She then made me a large Run and coke, lit me a cigar and said watch and enjoy. I will let your mind imagine what it was like watching this gorgeous sexy creature bend down to pick up and lean into the tree to hang the ornaments. Who knew trimming a tree could be so sexy? And all the while knowing that this was just the build up, as later I would get to ravage that sexy body in that sexy costume. It was Hefner eat your heart out!

It was that memory that triggered me.

Also this was my 60th Christmas. Oh to be young again!

 

I'd like to like this twice 2.50! Thanks for the thought and the explanation!

 

Ken

[kenmore]

Thank you for that, LH. Your short comment (which I believe is true, but which is easy to forget when you're hurting) made my morning.

 

Agreed KB. I have been struggling about my SD. Any time I text her, she replies with a nice pleasant response, all bubbly as one would expect from a teen, but she never contacts me and she never tries to keep the convo going. I know that's the way of teenagers, I have raised two now and been exposed to countless others, but I sometimes wonder if I'm just bothering her anymore. If I never talk to my wife again, is it the right thing to do to keep talking to her daughter? I love her like my own daughter but don't know if the feeling is mutual. I tell her I love her and she tells me she loves me too, but I wonder if it's just her being polite.

 

Then it hits me, she's a teenage girl, what does she know about being polite!!? LOL So I feel I need to take what she says at face value. Sorry about butchering the English language by starting the sentence with LOL then a preposition, but hey, at least it got my point across.

 

I will continue texting her just to continue making sure she knows I am still alive and love her, but I believe what LH said and feel she truly does love me and will as long as I stay in touch. I miss her so much, and to believe otherwise would be just be awful!

 

Ken

[jen1447]

It's interesting he confides this to you. Most women I know would not be happy about their BF dreaming about any other woman, especially an ex. Does this bother you?

 

Nope. I know it's not about me or our relationship, and I know that he had a life before I came around, and I don't transmute an important and significant part of his life into some sort of imaginary invalidation of me. I've made it safe for him to tell me about that stuff, and he's still healing from it, so it's pretty much my responsibility.

 

Getting a new GF doesn't wipe the slate clean of the old GF. I imagine there's 90 year olds out there who still hurt over some sh*tty thing happening with an ex 70 years ago and still loving their wives in the present. Those types of experiences define our identities, so thinking they'll just go away is like thinking a part of you will just go away.

[Lion Heart]

Thank you for that, LH. Your short comment (which I believe is true, but which is easy to forget when you're hurting) made my morning.

 

I'm gonna say KB that knowing there are fathers (men) like you alive on this planet makes my heart warm. Don't keep those words of devotion to yourself. Always show your sweet daughter how important she is to you. I'm certain I'm "preaching to the converted" by telling you that, just wanted to say ACTIONS of work and courage = love of the deepest type. The only type IMO but so it is.

 

Sorry to t/j. Happy I made your morning.

:-))

Lion Heart.

[Lion Heart]

Wow Lion Heart, that's intense sh*t! I applaud you for telling us that, and for your capacity to see what some of it meant and believe in it as it was true (at least some of it as far as we know.)

 

I never had bad dreams about my wife before we split, but then I thought we were happy. Even now, the only reason they are bad is because I never wanted this, so a "happy" dream can be a bad dream. Her getting married to someone else is certainly not a happy dream to me, but at least I was not cutting her throat out with sunglasses LOL.

 

Sorry, not laughing at you, laughing WITH you (are you laughing?) I know it's not funny in a deep sort of way, but I enjoyed your story! I hope you are not bothered by that dream anymore.

 

And huge HUGS!!! Glad to see you posting!

 

Ken

 

Yes! I was laughing alot! Having a not so good day today so thankYOU for the chuckle. It's nice to have distance so as to laugh. I can.

 

I had all those dreams while I thought I was in very stable Ms.

 

The stabbing dream was 5 days before my H first Father's Day.

I was excited about all the extra effort I was making to make his day special. We made love twice that morning and I bought him beautiful presents. That night and the next night he was with OW. DD was very ill at the time with an undiagnosed condition, it was only diagnosed when she was 17yo when she was at deaths door (again). To know he'd done that while his baby girl was so ill and I was quarantined at home with her (Doctor's orders), plus on his FIRST Father's Day plus to me and our M?

They were insults enough to leave immediately.

The dream of hating my H enough to stab him was probably the biggest shock of my life up till then.

 

I was also "happy" when I had dreams about this H. He wasn't. He was resentful (I found out post-DDay) about me returning to work FT. I had to! I'd sold everything I could to keep the house on his wage. For near 10y! I earn almost triple figures and even though I NEVER rubbed his nose in it AT ALL, he majorly resented me for that and for EVERYTHING ELSE I've ever done. Like painted the railings and the lounge room etc. Mentally jealous individual. Crazy too. Who WOULDN'T want an extra $100k in the family coffers per year? I would! So I did!

I mention this BECAUSE the dreams of him and OW coincided EXACTLY when I returned to FT work. Exactly when his resentment reached monumental proportions and "couldn't talk to me about it". How could he? I would have sent him to a mental assylum! LOL. He began undermining our M immediately. I was still "happy" because I could afford to BUY food instead of only growing it and getting it through trading groups. The kids and I (not him) had worn 99% clothes from Freecycle for almost a decade FPS. I couldn't buy clothes for my children. Yeah that's ok, H resented / resents my resourcefulness too! Holy crap D me then I'm so evil! LOL.

I WISH HE WOULD NOW!

 

I might pop back with my dream update because others (in a series too) started up again this week! I AM TAKING HEED fellow dreamers. Lol.

 

So as you see Ken, I laughed alot during this thread. My life is and has been so full of crazy people and yeah its SUCH a shame because I've had full psychological assessments and I'M NOT CRAZY. Friggin he** I wish I was! Tell you now, I might be crazy shortly. These nutjobs do my head in. Thank G** for LS and my children. LOL.

 

Lion Heart.

[Lion Heart]

Agreed KB. I have been struggling about my SD. Any time I text her, she replies with a nice pleasant response, all bubbly as one would expect from a teen, but she never contacts me and she never tries to keep the convo going. I know that's the way of teenagers, I have raised two now and been exposed to countless others, but I sometimes wonder if I'm just bothering her anymore. If I never talk to my wife again, is it the right thing to do to keep talking to her daughter? I love her like my own daughter but don't know if the feeling is mutual. I tell her I love her and she tells me she loves me too, but I wonder if it's just her being polite.

 

Then it hits me, she's a teenage girl, what does she know about being polite!!? LOL So I feel I need to take what she says at face value. Sorry about butchering the English language by starting the sentence with LOL then a preposition, but hey, at least it got my point across.

 

I will continue texting her just to continue making sure she knows I am still alive and love her, but I believe what LH said and feel she truly does love me and will as long as I stay in touch. I miss her so much, and to believe otherwise would be just be awful!

 

Ken

 

Ken ofcourse your SD loves you, she texted "I love you too" right? Teenagers know EVERYTHING, especially all about good manners, respect and relationships too - just ask them! Lol.

What I'm trying to say is that a teenager won't hold back telling anyone where to go if they think it fits the bill. And it does for them ALOT.

 

All family members feel like the teenager they love is "too busy" or doesn't care about them anymore. I remember my grandmother saying exactly that to me when I was a teen. I couldn't believe it. She was possibly the most important positive influence in my life. I just wasn't sure how much more I could ride my bike around to her house between high school (I struggled for good grades), working P/T and F/T during school holidays to pay for my education and my bike! Plus netball and dancing lessons almost every day. She only said it once and I burst into tears! I told her how deeply I loved her, how she was the mother I wished I'd had and my crazy school and work week. She "got it" in 1 conversation. I still remember her standing at her kitchen bench during that conversation making my favourite Asian soup! Gosh that woman must've loved me just so much. I'd been born in Asia and couldn't stomach Western food very well. She learnt how to cook Asian food for me. RIP my darling Nana. Ok so I'm processing that too now.

 

Work + courage = love.

 

We have to do the work to show OP how much we love them and the courage to do so and bring things up that are uncomfortable to us. 'The Road Less Travelled' has all this in it.

 

Stephen Covey, who I know I rave about, calls it "putting deposits into people's emotional bank account".

My teenage daughter loved it (not necessarily loved me or appreciated me more) when I gave her money to shop with her friends. She didn't WANT me to go with her. Now that she's a mother herself, she realizes what major sacrifices I made to give her that money. My 3 younger children had cloth nappies so I could save the $ for my teenage D. She's a mother now herself (22yo) and breastfeeds one baby. I breastfed twins till 3yo and 3 babies for 6 months. I couldn't have afforded formula even if I wanted to bottle feed.

 

My point is that if you find what IS a deposit to OP (and it may be VERY different to what WE thought). Then DO that.

 

They do all grow up and love us even more for our efforts.

 

Lion Heart.

Edited May 1, 2015 by Lion Heart