Relationship Problems After Threesome

[Troubled Couple]

Hi everyone,

Ok this will be a long post and we are sorry for that but we would really like to get your opinions and points of view on our problem.

 

We are a couple that has been together for almost 8 years now. I am 23 and he is 27. We are currently living together and struggling financially. Last year we engaged in a mmf threesome after I had reveiled my fantasy to him a year earlier. We had talked about it and thought we were ready for that lifestyle. After having done our mmf we both decided that we were not into it as much as we thought. My bf is very uncomfortable with the fact that we did this and he has said that he has lost feelings for me. These issues about the threesome are just starting to come out. He says alot of things remind him of seeing his gf having sex with another guy and our relationship of almost 8 years is in peril. I deeply regret going through with the threesome and it was totally not worth the problems it has created. I do not want our relationship to end over what we did; I love my bf very much. How can we move on in our relationship or are we doomed to break up? Any feedback will be greatly appreciated.

Thank you,

D&M

[corry42]

About a year ago, we've seriously considered doing this too. Only we would have done a ffm threesome.

In the end, we didn't, because she didn't feel ready and I honestly didn't know what to think yet. So I can't give you any advice from experience.

 

I suppose you've talked about it at length? Have you told him you much prefer having sex with him alone, that you're still all his?

Male pride is a strange thing...

It's like those men who can't accept the fact that their partners have had other relationships before them. If you can't get past that, you'll probably never find a partner anyway, cause the older you get, the less virgins you'll find.

 

Talk to him, tell him to please try to deal with the jealousy, cause there's not much else you can do. It's his feelings that need to be changed. Show him you still love and desire him, encourage him.

 

That's all the advice I can give you, really.

But my experience in these things is limited, other people might be able to help you better.

[Troubled Couple]

Hi Cory thanks for the reply.

 

I am the "boyfriend" we will both be posting as we are both looking for advice together. I will share a little of my point of view on the matter now.

 

I have trouble expressing things that really bother me. It was uncomfortable to me from the start but I hid my feelings. I met her when she was very young and felt I took alot away from her. She had self esteem problems and it seemed I wasnt enough to make her feel good about herself. One day she mentioned to me her fantasy and it was interesting at first but began to bother me and then we did it. I was afraid to discourage it and went along and then pretended and lied about enjoying it. Ever since I have grown more distant from her and as of recent I had began admitting my true feelings to her. I cant get the images out of my head and it hurts. I admit I resent her for our mistake. I still love her but its not as close as it once was. I dont know exactly how to deal with this and instead I would just try to ignore her and do my own thing. Our relationship is pretty distant and if theres a way to bring us closer together again Im willing to try or discuss it. I appreciate any advice and Cory thanks for the words of advice.

 

M

[Lucky Dog]

Originally posted by Troubled Couple

felt I took alot away from her.

 

It sounds like you went ahead with the plan out of guilt, even though you had misgivings about it from the start, which spells a recipe for a disaster. I acn't imagine anything worse than being right there seeing my gf or wife having sex with seom other guy and not being able to stop it out of feelings that it was what she wanted.

 

I imagine it will take a lot of time to get over this and you (both) might want to see a councelour for a while to help. Hopefully you will come out of it with a stonger relationship

 

Good luck

[Devildog]

I think you have a good chance to salvage the relationship. You two are talking about it, sharing your feelings. That is a huge first step. So many problems, divorces and break-ups could be avoided by open communication. you guys are doing this.

 

You will be alot better off though if you guys get to counselling. A good counselor can really help you to come to terms with what has happened and help you both to work on re-building the relationship.

 

Don't give up hope, you are in better position than most people who have problems.

[Troubled Couple]

Thanks for the replies and for the advice.

 

If there are any couples who have experienced anything similar to ours we would love to hear from you.

 

Thanks,

D&M

[whichwayisup]

He has to know that you are NOT his ex g/f. That was in the past. I know he couldn't predict his feelings and how he would feel afterwards...That is the problem with 3 somes! One doesn't know until it's too late.

 

I suggest couples therapy, and fast. Talk about it, be as honest and clear about how you feel and how much you love him, don't want to lose him and also that neither of you will EVER again do something like this.

 

I'm sorry that it screwed up the relationship. It's not your fault. You did nothing wrong, he did nothing wrong. Just happened and very unfortunate hurt feelings are left now to deal with.

[Pocky]

Originally posted by Troubled Couple

I cant get the images out of my head and it hurts.

 

What exactly is it that bothers you so much about these images?

[NiCoLe20]

try having a threesome with 2 girls.... maybe it'll turn out better and this time your man will be w/ another girl instead of a guy

[LoveRobber]

my current g/f had a mmf...she told me (why??? mind you, she too just "went along" with previous b/f...and he didn't care b/c he was cheating on her and figured, "wonder if i can get her to freak on my boy?!", but that's another story, not sure what to make of a woman who doesn't respect herself) anyway....it bothers me still even though it was before i came along. and while i think it's NORMAL to not like imagining your loved one getting slammed by another dude (or, ladies, your man bending over some hottie in the parking lot of the local bar) i obsessed on those images. and the obsession is the "not normal" part. so, if that's you, look into some simple OCD/though-stopping techniques (e.g. snapping a rubber band on your wrist when the images start...the trick is to NOT INDULGE THOSE IMAGES, or they'll continue and worsen). this can help "short circuit" the process and keep you from sprialing. granted, i wasn't THERE and you were...so my images were purely made up. still...might help.

 

for teh long term, trust seems to be a core issue. DUDE, do you trust that she doesn't want to do it again? that you satisfy her? do you trust that if she says "i want to try [insert freaky act here]" and you say "uh, no thanks" that she won't leave you? that she'll be cool? stay with you? etc.? and DUDETTE, do you trust that he'll be honest with you and speak his mind in such situations? i think that trust will help....some....still...for some people (men and women) there's a pride and insecurity. and also, DUDE, i know in my case, i fell into the trap of thinking my woman was "damaged goods" since IMO she was used and exploited, etc. that's a tough nut to crack...but doable. but that may not apply to your situation. you know your g/f, is she now "unworthy" of your love?

[Troubled Couple]

I trust her with my life I love her so much

 

Its gonna bother me prolly forever but I keep having stronger feelings of love over the resentment so things are looking up day by day! I am putting the positive ahead of the negetive she proved her trustworthyness with me over the years and now I feel like were gonna be even closer than ever soon

 

Thanks alot peoples you all are so nice thanks soo much!

 

M

[Troubled Couple]

Originally posted by NiCoLe20

try having a threesome with 2 girls.... maybe it'll turn out better and this time your man will be w/ another girl instead of a guy

I dont want to do this ever Im pretty happy with her alone it was just her that wanted to try the 3sum not me Its all behind us Im sure I can deal with it on my own and not burden her with my feelings here and there. It was an experiment that went wrong and Im glad I learned I am a excellent lover and have everything that she really wants she makes me feel like the Man! Im so lucky things turned out for the best now

[whichwayisup]

Good to hear that things are better...But ....

 

Im pretty happy with her alone it was just her that wanted to try the 3sum not me Its all behind us Im sure I can deal with it on my own and not burden her with my feelings here and there. It was an experiment that went wrong

 

OK, you put ALL the blame on her. You did this FOR her but didn't think or didn't know how you would feel afterwards. It was an experiement that went bad...You do have to take some responsibility for it too, not putting it all on her. She may have wanted it more or came up with the idea, but you went along with it. Takes two to decide to make a threesome.

 

If you are having trouble dealing with it in the future I suggest you see a therapist because telling her about how awful you could still be feeling is just going to make her feel bad and guilty. The past is the past, stay in the now and love what's infront of you.

 

Good luck.