Could there even be a second chance?

[nineteen_71]

I want to apologize in advance for how long this is! For anyone that sticks through it... thank you!!

 

I am 22 years old and my boyfriend, or ex boyfriend, is 21. We were in a same sex relationship for about 10 months, which also happened to be my entire senior year in college. When I met him, he had just come to terms with his sexuality and started the coming out process. I was his first everything, kiss, sexual partner, love, etc. It is honestly such a nice feeling to have, and I am glad I can take that with me for the rest of my life.

 

Our relationship was not awful, at least for me. This being his first relationship, it created a lot of trust issues on my end. I had had a full-blown year and a half relationship before him that ended disastrously, and my new boyfriend, who i am writing about, had yet to even experiment with anyone. I also have had a lot of abandonment issues throughout my life, which did not help. When I broke up with my first boyfriend, he ended up harassing me and stalking me through every means he could. I ended up having to report him to my university's dean of students to finally get him to stop bombarding me with several different means of communication, messaging my coworkers, friends, family, etc. He truly damaged me. However, I met my recent boyfriend 5 months afterwards and learned how to truly love unconditionally, and be loved in returned.

 

Throughout the beginning of our relationship, maybe the first 5 months, he was constantly on the fence of whether he wanted the relationship, which showed in his behaviors. We had had several fights to where each time he was willing to throw everything away, but always decided not to in the end because he felt like he would regret it. I can not count on my hand how many times this happened, but I can emphasize with him. I know what it is like to be trying to figure out how relationships work, how you work within them, etc. We would argue about the same thing, and then suddenly we started arguing about new things, which he felt relieved about. He finally came around once we started to work and move past certain issues, and we started to argue without the threat of the relationship ending every time. I thought that we had finally reached a stable place. I never really minded arguing, it is just part of relationships and plus I had came from a previous relationship where we argued much more. My first ex was manipulative and emotionally controlling.

 

However, my lack of trust issues never went away. They would come and go, but largely they stayed. I had several open discussions with him where I told him that this was new for me, and that in my last relationship I never felt like someone was cheating on me or being unfaithful. I use to catch him up late at night on the phone after I had gone to sleep, and he was always really secretive with his phone in general. After the first half of our relationship made me feel like he did not want it, I started to believe it. He displayed a lot of behaviors that heightened my anxieties, but we were working on it as a couple. He ended up leaving his phone with me at certain times and we had an open door policy too. We could go through each other’s phones, etc.

 

Spring break rolled around and I had never felt more in love. We took this fantastic trip to Nashville for a week, just the two of us, and it was so romantic. It is the first time in my life where I felt so connected to another human being. Yes we argued, yes we had these issues, but all couples have issues and I felt like I was truly making something worthwhile and stable. It repaired our relationship and reinforced why we were there. He had told me several times during this trip that he had started to come to terms with my baggage as a partner. He was accepting me for me I felt like, as I had been doing the same for him since the begging of our relationship. I felt truly loved in return for the first time by him.

 

A couple of weeks after spring break the arguing continued, which I still didn't mind. However, I started to feel unhappy and missing aspects of my first relationship; which blew my mind! I began realizing what I was missing was the feeling of being wanted, loved, and the desire from the other person. It was hard for me to go from one extreme, to the other, then right back to where we started. I did not feel like I was making my boyfriend happy anymore, and it showed in his behaviors towards me. We took a "break" shortly afterwards, his idea because I confronted him about finding tinder on his search history followed by how to get over a break up. We were getting ready to transition into a long distance relationship in the coming months because I would be leaving the state for graduation school. I was blind sided by what he was looking up, especially since the night before we had just had a discussion where we felt like things were in a low place, but we had decided to work through it because we were worth it. After that argument about the tinder app and such he left in his mind breaking up with me, but did not have the heart to say it to my face. He ended up going out to bars and talking to men that weekend, and ultimately slept with one that Sunday night.

 

He came running back to me the next morning, asking me to take him back and that he loved me. We cried for days and worked through it together. I was not sure what I wanted to do, but we decided we could not go back to our past relationship, and we took this as a chance of rebirth. We were either going to get through this and be an amazing couple, or break up. Despite all the issues we had before, this eclipsed them all. His main concern was though once we work past this; our other problems would come back up. I honestly did not care; I loved him so much that I was willing to work through everything. Everyone was telling my I should leave him and cut my loses, but I would not because I was so deeply in love with him. I had already started seeing a counselor to work on my trust issues in the relationship, so I thought why not just add this too.

 

The whole two weeks of healing, especially the last, he was in and out of wanting to be with me. It was conflicting, because I felt the whole process was brining us closer together. However, you could tell in his behaviors that he was swaying and it was extremely difficult for me. It began to affect me and I told him that he could not keep doing this and that it was not fair to me. I read a text message in his phone one night that he did not think he wanted the relationship anymore, and he did not have the heart to break my heart again. I confronted him and he said I know how he gets when we get into arguments, it was supposedly fleeting and he loved me very much. Well, we ended up getting into another argument that weekend, and he left me that Saturday. We cried and cried together, I begged him to stay with me, and he was on the fence too. But he walked me from his apartment back to mine and then back again to his, and after enough pleading which was met with rejection, I kissed and hugged him goodbye. I told him he was making a big mistake and I hope one day he realizes it too. I ended up calling him that night 3 or 4 times and leaving him a voicemail with me crying; embarrassing I know.

 

A day past and I asked to meet with him. He did not want to meet with me because he knew what I was trying to do. I was trying to win him back and after much pleading he agreed to meet with me that night. I had a speech ready, gifts, and my heart on the line. He rejected me still, saying he needed space and did not see us getting back together. I did not believe him; I knew what I felt in my heart. We had been through so much together and yes we had issues, but the fact we had been working on them and been through so much, I felt like he honestly was the man I was going to marry. Our relationship could not be broken in my mind, and we had too much of an emotional connection to give it all up. I followed him back to his apartment begging him to take me back. He hugged me goodbye and asked me to leave at the door.

 

Despite all of the negative things I have written here, there are a slew of positive things about our relationship. I thought we made each other happy, and the obstacles we were over coming just made us that much stronger of a couple. I guess I was wrong, and I did not realize that until I started writing this post. After writing this, it is so clear to see he did not want to be with me and just kept holding on for god knows why. Maybe it was love, I don't know. Maybe it was for the same reasons I was fighting so hard for us.

 

I did my best not to contact him this week, I am trying so hard not to become the crazy ex boyfriend that I had. This is my first adult heartache and I’m trying to my best to respect his space, but also be kind to myself.

 

I found him on a dating app this week, and I sent him a picture of his profile and told him I was hurt. He told me that his friends made it for him, and that he would delete it and asked me to please believe him. I was angry and I did not really care, however my anger subsided and the sadness set back in.

 

I asked him this past Friday if he wanted to walk to the park with me, but I got no response. I asked him again today and did not get a response, but I pleaded him for a answer to which he said no to. He was already talking to me, so I told him about a dinner date I had planned for us later next week, that is, if he wanted to go. It was at a very high-end restaurant, and I had promised to take him for completing an accomplishment, but I did not have the financial resources when we were together. I told him I had went and sold some of my stuff and finally had the money, but he declined and said it was a sweet offer.

 

I asked him if I should give up, and he said he would really like it if I could move on. I was crushed, and I cried like I do everyday but just a little more this time. I asked him if I should stop reaching out to him and go no contact and he said that it would be best to do that for now. I asked if it would be okay if I could contact him around graduation in two weeks that I would still like a picture with him. As expected, he said no. I also asked if he would ever reach out to me again, and he said he wasn’t sure if he ever would. I asked for more closure, a meeting again or a phone call, but of course I did not get it. I told him in a text message that I wanted to respect his space and that this was my last message, and that I would appreciate it if he could reply to it just to let me know he received it. As you can guess, he did not reply.

 

I found myself logging into his facebook and google account today like I use too, and there was nothing there. I somehow figured out his new password and I am ashamed and embarrassed. Here I am trying not to be the crazy boyfriend, yet here I am meting the qualifications. I was expecting to get mad and find him talking to boys and looking up places to hook up with men, but I did not. I found that he activated his seeking arrangement account, and that he watched some porn. Man, did I feel stupid. If he ever discovers I did that, I am sure my chances of ever getting back together with him will be zero.

 

I came to the realization today that I do not think he is ever coming back. Also, I am sure many of you will probably tell me I am better of without him, that I will met someone else. However, what I want is him, what I want is to continue loving the man that taught me I could love so deeply. Despite what I want, its clear he does not want me. Love is a gamble, and we always gamble the risk of getting hurt in the end. I took a huge gamble with him, but I should have known that it would not have worked out. Yet, here I am writing this hoping that one day soon he will come back and finish what we started.

 

Have I pushed him away too far already? Has anyone else ever been in a situation even remotely close to this? I am just so lost and confused and I have no idea what to even think anymore. I guess the only thing clear is that he does not want to talk to me again, which hurts more than anything. I am a good guy with a big heart, and its made for him. I just wish he realized he deserved it more than anyone, because I feel that if he truly wanted to be in the relationship we could work out a lot of our issues and be so amazing. I also do not understand how someone can just completely ignore me and cut me out so easily. Maybe he really did never love me as much as I loved him.

 

However, now I guess we never will have the chance to figure any of this out at all.

Edited April 26, 2015 by nineteen_71

[Ruby65]

Oh, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can feel how much pain you're in, just reading your post.

 

One thing I want to say to you, right off the bat: for now, and for the foreseeable future, you need to adjust your thinking in a very important way. You need to *stop* seeing him as a source of comfort, as a source of relief from the pain you're feeling right now.

 

Try to internalize this one fact: this man isn't going to bring relief from your pain, he's not a source of comfort for you anymore. Right now, he's only going to bring you more pain.

 

This is why you need stop yourself from contacting him, completely.

 

No more reaching out, no more checking dating sites, no more reading Facebook -- right now, you need to block him on every site and app you use.

 

Contact = Pain

No Contact = Healing

 

For now, that's really all you need to focus on.... stopping the contact, stopping yourself from heaping fresh new incoming pain on top of the pain you already feel from the breakup.

 

Here's a guide that will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

 

As for the rest of your story.... well, to me anyway it was pretty clear he was pulling away as soon as he asked for a break. A break is really just a trial run for a breakup.... and if you found him on Tinder and searching "how to get over a breakup", then that's pretty clear where his mind was at.

 

It's also possible your suspicions are correct and he was never as invested in the relationship as you were from the start.

 

You're still young and at his age it's not uncommon for feelings to suddenly change. Both you and your ex are at a point in your lives where you're experiencing being single adults, coming out, dating around a bit, growing and figuring out what you want in future partners.

 

It's rough, but at your stage of life, relationships can be more fleeting than they'll be later on.

 

Right now though, it's one step at a time.... for you, what must be done is to go No Contact. You're going to find it helps -- a lot.

 

Please check out the guide posted above -- and keep posting!

 

Good luck to you.

[nineteen_71]

Ruby,

 

Thank you so much for you reply! I really appreciate it. Posting in forums like this I have found helps me work through the process and reflect. I have figured out a lot about the relationship by doing so. I agree with you, I do need to stop looking at him as a source of comfort, and I have already started doing so.

 

I wanted to update you since I appreciated your advice so much the last time, and your reply. Also, I wanted to update anyone else that may come across this post. It's been over a week now since the break up, and I feel very different.

 

I ended up finding him on a date app later last week, which hurt me a lot. I sent him the picture of his profile and just simply told him I was hurt. He replied telling me his friends had made it, that he was going to delete it, and that he wanted me to believe him. I was so angry at him, but the anger did not last long, and I ended up becoming sad when I woke up the next morning.

 

I ended up reaching out to him again this past Friday, asking him to walk to the park with me. I just wanted to talk, you know? I was having a difficult time trying to give him space but also be kind to myself. He never responded, but I asked him again the next day. He told that he was sorry, but it had to be a no. Since he was already talking to me, I told him about dinner plans I wanted to make for us at a fancy restaurant I always wanted to take him too. I did not have the money when we were dating (I'm a broke college student), but I sold some of my old video games and made a reservation. I was still resolute on trying to get him back. Again, he said no thank you but said it was a sweet gesture.

 

After that, I asked him if I should give up. He replied and told me that he feels I should "really start moving on." I was baffled and still am at how easy this is for him. I asked him if he would ever reach out to me again but he said he never knows, and I asked him if he would prefer no contact, and he said yes. I have not talked to him since, and this was Saturday.

 

I was sitting at my computer that night, and I felt the urge to check his Facebook and Google accounts. He had changed his password the night we broke up, and I did not think I would be able to get in. However, it took me two tries, and I found out his new password and I had his whole life opened up to me again. I was and still am ashamed of my actions, but I feel that it gave me some closure that he won't give me. I discovered that he had looked up several other guys on facebook but did not add them, googled several lounges in the city, made restaurant reservations for two, and more. I looked, and he began looking up new guys the night after he broke up with me. One in particular he had no luck finding but did put in a phone number. This led me to think he already had the guys phone number, and just wanted to see his facebook.

 

It's a complicated process, and I feel more confused than ever. I feel learning that he has already moved on and actively been seeking other men out reaffirms to me that 1) he has no idea what he wants and 2) that he was severely unsure about ever loving me. I honestly do not know if he did ever truly love me, which hurts my heart. I feel disrespected and felt as If I feel in love with a con man. He acted one way, but really was something else. The fact that when he slept with another man and he came to me with a falsified story, deleted text messages and left out huge important details speaks volumes about his character. Who knows what else he could have hidden throughout our relationship, because I constantly felt like he was hiding things from me. Which he told me I was freaking out and being crazy. Maybe not sleeping around, but perhaps talking or looking up other men.

 

I dont know where to go from here, because I am not sure how to look back on the relationship anymore. I guess time heals all wounds, and only time will heal me and give me clarity. I feel stupid for even crying for a whole week wanting him back after all of this, and I feel like a big fool. A fool because even after all of these realizations, I would still like to have the man I loved back, if he was even real.

[Ruby65]

Where you go from here is No Contact.

 

No Contact.... and that includes no more snooping online, either.