HELP on Separation

[angeredout]

My wife and I have been married for six years and we have two beautiful children. Over the course of those six years I started getting angry a lot and would snap at the stupidest things. Life was moving fast. We have built a home, had two children, and I have gone after an associate’s degree, bachelor's degree, and I am halfway through master's degree all while working full-time. My wife works part-time at night.

I feel guilty. I didn't praise my wife, I only criticized. I hardly ever romanced her and we hardly ever did things together. She has told me that she felt trapped and felt like I didn’t trust her.

 

Back in December she told me she wanted a divorce. I, realizing there was a problem, started counseling right away. I have found out that I have Attention Deficit Disorder which is causing my anger outbursts.

 

In February, she told me that she just wanted to separate because she needed time and space, and wants to sort out her feelings. She was happy to see that I was enrolled in therapy and that I was reading a lot of books on relationships, marraige, anger management, and ADD. She would not let me leave until we signed separation papers.

We have been separated for three weeks and it doesn’t seem to be getting better. Before we separated, she told me she was 99.99% sure I was coming back, that she loved me, and cared about me. We agreed that I would come back June 12. However, every time we see each other I have a tendency to badger her about coming back and working things out. Now she feels that she never really loved me, she feels we are not compatible, and maybe it is over between us. I have noticed that our neighbor (single male about our age) has been hanging around a lot. She tells me that they are friends…that is all he is and all he has ever been.

 

I love her, she is my princess. I just want my wife and family back. I know this isn't what she wants and that she wants to keep the family intact as well. I don't want the old relationship back. I want a new one that is better and stronger with my wife and kids. What to do?

[Ladyjane14]

Your situation looks somewhat bleak on the surface. It would appear that she has become comfortable with being separated. I can imagine that it might be a relief for her in some aspects not to be dealing with your anger everyday.

 

It took six years for the relationship to get bad enough for her to want out. It'll take time for her to see stability in the changes you have made in your demeanor. She'll need to see proof that the change is real, and that your actions match your words. This can't be proven overnight. It takes time.

 

Possibly the best course of action is to try to make interactions with you a pleasant and positive experience for her. Let her see you as the attractive man that she first met....not one who is pressuring her to have his needs met.

 

Try dating her, if she'll allow it. And hold back on the "relationship" talk. This would give you both the opportunity to get to know one another again in a fresh way. You could work on your friendship together, and prove to her that you're still a fun guy.

[jmargel]

I have noticed that our neighbor (single male about our age) has been hanging around a lot. She tells me that they are friends…that is all he is and all he has ever been.

 

An emotional friend which over time will develop into something more. However he will just become a rebound relationship.

 

Your issue isn't really with him, it's with her.

 

However, every time we see each other I have a tendency to badger her about coming back and working things out. Now she feels that she never really loved me, she feels we are not compatible, and maybe it is over between us.

 

She is saying this to get it through your thick head that she does NOT want to be badgered about the situation because she is not ready and does not think you are ready to get back into the marriage and have things change around. She's afraid that the same old things will happen again and is looking at your badgering as an example.

 

She is expecting you to continue your behavior like this. You want her to really think about getting back with you? Well then maybe you should do the following:

 

1) Stop badgering her. When you see her don't talk about the situation and don't talk about this other guy.

 

2) Continue to goto counseling and at some point down the road when things between you & her have settled ask her if she would want to come to one of these sessions.

 

3) Start doing things for yourself, set short term goals and follow through with them. And don't obsess over her or the marriage right now, it's not healthy.

 

4) When you talk to her tell her that it's her choice on where the marriage lays at (don't do this for a couple of weeks yet), and that the ball is in her court. That you love her enough that you are willing to accept whatever she feels.

 

She wanted the seperation to have time to think & feel on her own. Yet even though you two are apart you are still trying to "force" her to feel things. You can't do that. This June 12th date is unrealistic. I believe you both truly know this. You can't set a timeline on making her decide on what to do. Don't you want to know that if she comes back it's because she wants to and not because you made her to?

 

Continue working on yourself for YOU! Not for the marriage. Right now your words don't have much faith in them because of your past actions. I know you regret the things that were done and I'm sure if you could have seen the future you would have changed. However it's not too late but you need to SHOW her not just tell her about what you are changing about yourself. She is giving you signs and you need to follow through with them. The more you beg the more she'll run away.

 

I use this analogy and women don't like it, but here it goes. I work & train dogs. In fact I have a 6 month old German Shepherd pup I'm doing to this now. When you have your dog outside without a leash the last thing you want it to do is run away. So, to prevent this from happening, you have a friend hold back the dog, while from a distance you call it's name. Let the dog sqirm for awhile then let it free. The dog will come to you, however when it gets close you run away from it, but perodicially call it's name. Now you have the dog chasing you! This is what you want, your wife coming back. So in order to do this, you need to back off ALOT! Let her come to you, let her wonder where you are and what you are doing. When she does ask you (in time she will) tell her that you are doing this because you love her and this is what she wants and that you are ready to talk about things and listen when she is.

 

Sounds like communication between you two wasn't there, at least effective communication. The biggest part about that is not the talking but the listening and what NOT to say. Pick and choose your battles because in any marriage you will have your fill of them. Battling out every single one is exhausting not only to each other but to the marriage.

 

I know your instincts are to go after her but you need to fight these with everything you got. Give it a two week try and I can almost guarantee you, you will get a different reaction out of her than what you are getting now.

[angeredout]

So...don't look at the present, concentrate more on the future and what I want this relationship to become. For the present time, focus on me all-the-while trying to create that "love-bond" with my wife. I believe it has been said, "proof is in the pudding."

Should there be cause for concern with the neighbor? Do I pass it off as "what I don't know won't hurt me?"

[angeredout]

About the neighbor, she has also told me time and time again that there is no room in her heart for someone else and we both agreed that we will not date or anything during this separation.

[jmargel]

Good then believe her. Show her 'proof is in the pudding' by accepting that and telling her this. Tell her if she feels comfortable enough to be friends with him then you trust her. This will give you a boost to her. If you act all jealous and tell her she shouldn't be doing this then she is going to think that nothing has changed and it will bring her closer to him.

 

Read the link in my signature. Please try to follow what I've suggested. Others have and so far got positive results. I'm not a counselor or a Dr., just someone who's been through alot and now know what to do in certain situations.

[whichwayisup]

I love her, she is my princess. I just want my wife and family back. I know this isn't what she wants and that she wants to keep the family intact as well. I don't want the old relationship back. I want a new one that is better and stronger with my wife and kids. What to do?

 

Great advice from JM once again.

 

I agree, back off, concentrate on YOU. Show her the best you that you can become.

 

Right now her main focus is on herself, figuring out what she wants and honestly, from what you said she has every right to feel as she does. She was alienated from you and your love because of the ADD and life stresses in general. She needs to sort through that pain and figure it out in her heart and head.

 

When the time comes to talk about it, she'll bring it up. Maybe if you do give her some space she will miss you more than you expect and reach out to you more often. Noone likes to feel pressured and told what to do. It's human nature to rebel and turn the other way.

 

Again, this neighbour? Not a problem. He's a friend to her right now and even if something does happen, it won't last long because he's a neighbour. Definate rebound.