She's pulling away as I get closer

[Emilia]

 

But, I suppose this is too complicated to explain to anyone who hasn't been in this specific situation with someone with clinical depression, social anxieties and self esteem issues.

Nah,it's very simple. You are attracted to someone you can't have. That's bad. VERY bad.

[Els]

Over a hundred texts a day every day and you haven't even met because she cancelled on you when you wanted to fly to meet her????

 

OP, you can talk around it all you wish. It's too complicated for anyone to understand, nobody can see things the way you do, etc etc. And at the end of the day it's your life. But in all honesty I can't see anything good coming out of this.

 

Good luck. You will need it if you continue down this road.

[Darren Steez]

Red flags screaming everywhere.

 

It's easy to BS around online,when push comes to shove and you have to meet the person in person then the ruse is harder to keep up.

 

4 years never met. When you do try to meet she cancels. When she feels it's becoming too real (aka getting closer) she "pulls" away.

 

I think nearly all of the posters have said this screams off. If this is real I suggest you heed the advice and gently try to move on. You can still move to the city but don't invest anymore of yourself in someone who clearly intentionally or not is messing you about.

[Ijustdon'tgetit]

Hi Op,

 

So I just wanted to say I'm reading a book called "Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback girl." It's clearly not gender neutral but a lot of it applies to both men and women. If you search baggage reclaim by Natalie Lue on the Internet. You'll get tons of info on the "emotionally unavailable" man or woman. If you notice a lot of your gf in these articles, it's likely she is emotionally unavailable and therefore incapable of giving you the love you're after. It's so hard to face up to reality when you've built a illusion for so long. I did exactly this.

 

You mentioned her having low-self esteem, well according to the book and articles, we have it too since we stayed in a relationship with someone who has clearly shown they cannot commit to us. It's really eye opening and mind boggling to me some of the things that I've read that really match my ex's personality. At the end of the day though, you can't help or try to change someone who doesn't want to change for themself.

[Auspecial]

So I have been talking to this girl aabout 4 years now, but it was only a bit over a year and a half ago that we admitted we have feelings for each other. Even she said that we'd pretty much been in a relationship without being in a relationship for a while.

 

She lives in the city where I have wanted to live for a long time, while I'm in a dead end town.

 

The problem is, every time I get closer she backs away. In the 4 years we've been talking, we haven't gone 48 hours without texting, and even thats unusual. We send hundreds of texts a day usually, and I understand her like I've never understood anyone else. I know that her backing away is caused by a combination of her depression, low self esteem (even though shes beautiful) and a bad relationship she had years ago, where her scummy ex pretty much turned into a stalker, which has given her a fear of commitment.

 

The best example of her pulling away is when I was going visit her she cancelled at the last minute out of fear. A few times she has pulled away when things got serious, said she never wants a relationship, then everything's been back to normal within a day or two. The first time I was upset, but I have come to accept it and never pressure her.

 

She has always said she doesn't want a "relationship" because she's not ready, but admitted that that's what we essentially have anyway, even though she's afraid to show affection.

 

But because of this, I always knew that she would start backing away when it came time for me to move.

 

The problem is, I expected to just find a place and move within a few weeks. It's been about 3 months, due to a combination of the froend I'm moving down there with (I can't afford a place with a yard for my dog by myself) screwing up the first month of forms and the fact that we can't legally move into a house without inspecting it first - but we live over 1000 miles away, she's too busy with work and uni to inspect more than 2-3 houses a week while so many others are competing for each rental house.

 

This means instead of just backing away a little as our meeting looms, it's been intimidating her for months. She has backed away to the point that she said shes not sure if she even has feelings for me anymore as anything but friends. That was about two or three weeks ago, and I STILL don't have a place (I'm ready to move as soon as I get one).

 

Like I said, she's backed away before when we've gotten too close, but that was for a day or two.

 

I have gotten desperate. Today she texted me and I figured since she gets scared when we get too close, I'd ignore her texts. it's honestly the hardest thing I've ever done.

 

Is ignoring her the best thing to do? I can't act like I'm not moving anymore to reduce pressure she feels, because I can't possibly move without her inspectiong houses anyway. I also couldn't ignore her for long even if I wanted to for the same reason.

 

So my question is, other than a few days of ignoring her and backing off on my sappy goodnights and stuff, is there any way I can redice the pressure on her? She knows I'd want to move there even if it weren't for her, I'm good friends with both her father and sister if that helps.

 

I think I love this girl, and I have accepted her issues long ago, but what I always kew would be the most trying part for us has proven so much worse. I know that as long as there's still a spark left by the time I get there I can salvage it, but I'm terrified that spark will go out.

 

I think matching her actions is good. Pull back and allow her to come to you of her own volition.

 

Another thing that "could" work is, get a job and place to live in her town. You have always wanted to live there anyway, as you say. Don't move in with her. Tell her after you have arranged all of this. But also let her know you are happy about your new job and don't expect anything form her. This will get you a huge step closer to helping her embrace the love. Becasue she could no longer use distance as an barrier. Of course, if she runs you have to respect that and once again allow her to come to you (if she wants to ,) but you will still be proactive moving it forward. It does sound like she needs some help in this area.

 

I would consider the above, because I am open to risk-taking and if I feel strongly about something, I am all-on board, although I will still protect my heart, ie: not "expecting" anything from the other person.

 

But for now, I would match her actions.