How not to be friends with someone you don't want to be friends with

[Emilia]

So there is this woman I used to work with in my previous job. I like her ok, she is deep down a very good person but on the surface she is insufferable, needy, flaky, a snob, etc.

 

She has always forced her friendship on me, my nickname for her was 'Single White Female' after the movie, she copied my haircut, my hobbies, etc. I figured now that I've left, the connection was severed, I wouldn't have to say no yet one more time.

 

The thing is, at work there is a certain requirement to be friendly to your colleagues even if you don't want to socialise with them. She has always mistaken this for genuine friendship even though I've never done one-on-one drinks with her, declined lunches, etc on a number of occasions.

 

It's her birthday in June and she has invited me again. I used to work with her closest friend as well at the same company and he is a grade-A ass****, don't particularly want to spend my Saturday with the likes of him.

 

She is a super-sensitive and very needy woman. How do I say no when her birthday is so important to her? I honestly don't really want to see her ever again. Anyone else would have got the message by now but clearly I have not communicated this well enough by turning down every single opportunity to hang out with her.

 

She put me on a facebook thread about her upcoming birthday, I eventually left the thread (waited a while, didn't want to make it look like an obvious snub) so her next move was to text me.

 

Thanks.

[ASG]

Say that you already have plans. Like a weekend away somewhere, that has been planned for ages.

 

Seeing as you don't even work together anymore, the lie won't even be caught. And if you have her on FB, you can always put her on a more restricted list, so that she can't see what you're up to, until you eventually unfriend her.

[Emilia]

Yeah, you are right ASG. I suppose a lie and an eventual unfriending is the answer. I suppose there is no other way.

 

The reason why that's not so straight forward is that I still socialise with my old work and she still works there but I believe that's not the case much longer so I can just lie my way out of it.

 

I mean, I'm assuming eventually this is going to stop, right?

[ASG]

Yeah, I get the not so straightforward aspect of it. It is why I still have m old housemate on FB, though he has now stopped bugging me to go out...

 

I suppose it will. I mean, you weren't *THAT* close to start with, so the distance will probably do its thing and she will fade out with time.

 

In the mean time, just try to not engage, be "busy" at all times when she invites you and I'm sure she will eventually get the hint!

[Haydn]

Maybe say,

 

Thank you for playing a small passing role in my life?

 

PS, Sod off. (Well maybe not that)

[Emilia]

I haven't replied to the text yet, will do the 'busy' thing and leave it for a little while. Doing all the awful things people complain about in threads. It's much harder to 'dump' someone who thinks is a friend than someone I dated. Isn't that ironic.

 

Hah god Haydn, imagine.... I don't even know why she wants to be friends. She lives in a posh part of London and has a rich boyfriend, I have no interest in such things and certainly can't match that. It should be a small passing role indeed

[preraph]

If she says she has plans, the woman might move her party to another day. I think you have to cancel at the last minute due to a "family issue" which you do not explain. She will ask. Just say "Oh, it's just personal family business I'm dealing with." Then decide whether you need to hand her a gift or a card later.

[Emilia]

If she says she has plans, the woman might move her party to another day. I think you have to cancel at the last minute due to a "family issue" which you do not explain. She will ask. Just say "Oh, it's just personal family business I'm dealing with." Then decide whether you need to hand her a gift or a card later.

I've thought of this, done it before where the other person didn't care all that much. This woman does though unfortunately. I'll contemplate it, thank you.

[anna121]

Just say - "I'm sorry but I can't make it. Have a great time." You should NOT give a reason.

 

The less said the better. If you say "I have plans" that indicates that you would come if you could. Don't give her that opening.

 

Unless you are likely to see her through other people in a professional setting, go ahead and block her from your social media too. She makes you uncomfortable and you don't like her - why continue to have any interactions with her whatsoever?

 

Just do it, and don't talk to her again.

[anna121]

As for your old work friends, just make sure you socialize with them in places where she isn't likely to attend.

[angel.eyes]

I agree with this!

 

When you say, "I can't come because of XYZ," the implication is that you would be there were it not for this pre-existing obligation. You're sending a misleading message. The truth is you just don't want to be around her, and you have zero intention of ever seeing her again. Now granted, most people after a string of these declines would read between the lines, but she clearly hasn't. If you want the invites to end at some point, you're going to have to be clearer that your response is an unconditional "no." Stop sending mixed signals.

 

Just say - "I'm sorry but I can't make it. Have a great time." You should NOT give a reason.

 

The less said the better. If you say "I have plans" that indicates that you would come if you could. Don't give her that opening.

 

Unless you are likely to see her through other people in a professional setting, go ahead and block her from your social media too. She makes you uncomfortable and you don't like her - why continue to have any interactions with her whatsoever?

 

Just do it, and don't talk to her again.

[La.Primavera]

You need to be assertive and tell her that you can't make it. You are under no obligation to give a reason.

 

If you don't want to be friends with her then delete her off Facebook and block her. If she questions it you can tell her that you respect her as a colleague but you are not personal friends.

 

If you don't feel comfortable doing that then you have to put her in restricted access to your Facebook, basically she won't see anything but any time she tags you, you will need to remove the tag yourself.

 

It really depends how strongly you feel about it.

[Emilia]

Just say - "I'm sorry but I can't make it. Have a great time." You should NOT give a reason.

 

The less said the better. If you say "I have plans" that indicates that you would come if you could. Don't give her that opening.

 

Unless you are likely to see her through other people in a professional setting, go ahead and block her from your social media too. She makes you uncomfortable and you don't like her - why continue to have any interactions with her whatsoever?

 

Just do it, and don't talk to her again.

 

As for your old work friends, just make sure you socialize with them in places where she isn't likely to attend.

None of the above is possible. I am likely to see her through a professional setting yes and I can't exclude her from socialising.

 

I suppose I feel the above would be too abrupt. It's one thing that I don't like spending time with her but she isn't a bad person and she clearly likes me.

 

It seems though that you all agree that cut-off is the only way out.

 

Guess I'll just have to go to her birthday then, it won't kill me. I just won't stay long. Beyond that I'll probably have less and less contact with her. This birthday is a milestone for her, unlikely that she will make the same fuss next year (she didn't last year).

 

Thanks for everyone's help.

[littleplanet]

You can wind up with a Pinocchio's nose that just grows and grows (and although it was pretty obvious to the blue fairy, your "friend" still will probably not get the hint.)

 

Doesn't matter how much she likes you. You don't like her. Like should be mutual in any friendship, or it just isn't healthy.

But more to the point - it isn't true.

The worst thing is the delusion in someone thinking they have something they don't. In this case - a friend.

And so the potential harm just increases - a bad scene all around.

Truth can be hard stuff, but still a best policy.

What you nip in the bud now doesn't grow into a thorny bush later.

 

She winds up being a complication in your life. But the source of the complication still traces back to your own actions.

I get it.....being nice, not wanting to hurt feelings in others - all of that.

But she shouldn't be an 'obligation.'

Even thick people who don't get hints, still have pride (or whatever else can get wounded.)

 

But call your own shots. You live in a free world where people get to make up their own minds about what they're willing to put up with.

Most of us understand this well enough.

The ones who don't......well, misery loves its own company.

 

Good luck with this!

[applej4]

HUH?? You don’t HAVE to go to her birthday party. You don’t HAVE to interact with her on FB or anyplace else. Look at your first paragraph. Your post is full of contradictions. You don’t like her, you don’t want to spend time with her, you talk about her negative qualities, but you keep saying she is a sensitive good person. WTF – are you AFRAID of her? For crying out loud, you can’t have it both ways. Unfriend/block her, don’t reply to her efforts to contact you, have no more to do with her and go on with your life. Or, continue to be intimidated by her. The choice is yours.