Obsession

[Tim]

I need some advice. I've been seeing a great girl for the last 4 months - she is 27 and I'm 30. We hit it off immediately and things felt pretty intense straight away - telling eachother we love eachother and want to be together forever. I have never felt this passionately about someone before and she told me she hadn't had anything remotely like this before either. We have even talked of moving in together and getting married.

 

The last month or so though things have 'calmed' down a bit. We don't declare our love as passionately anymore and don't seem as intense. I suppose this is natural but it has coincided with some heavy conversations about actually moving in together and I feel that she is pulling away and having second thoughts. She has always been more 'self-sufficent' than me and maintained her distance in terms of seeing her friends without me, staying in touch with ex-boyfriends, etc. Now I am finding that I can't stop thinking about her being with her ex-boyfriends and wondering if she had similar feelings for them. It is becoming an obsession and is effecting how we are together. She is in touch with 2 or 3 of them and has said she still cares about them - and some of the things that she has said in the past about them keep going round and round my head. How do I break this circle?

[Tony T]

I have a real problem with a girl talking about her ex's with her boyfriend...and telling her boyfriend she still cares about them. I think that's something that is better kept to oneself. I think that's just plain stupid. Now, it is honest for her to tell you she still talks to them, but for what purpose? Is she stringing them along in case things don't work out with you...or is she just that kind of sentimental, friendly person.

 

I don't think you have any basis to be concerned about these contacts but I don't think a lot of it is appropriate. As far as your insecurity about it, there is no magic word that's going to change that.

 

Your bigger concern is whether or not she is a relationship junkie. Any person who starts backing off when the powerful juices of passion diminish a bit is out for the rush. If she can't get that rush from you, she will move on and you'll be another ex she talks about in the future. Only time will tell. People don't commit and get married until they have grown up, gotten all the wildness out of their system, and are completely ready...and even then you can't be sure.

 

A big hint may have been the fact she started backing off when the talk of moving in together got serious. Moving in with someone would make it more difficult to end a relationship if or when she began to seek higher passion in another brand new relationship. She may try on relationships like people try on clothes on a shopping trip. You'll just have to have patience and objectivity to see where her head is in this respect.

 

Until she has matured to the point that she can settle in to a secure, companionate, comfortable, loving relationship with someone over the long term and accept that levels of passion lessen over time, you won't stand a chance with this lady.

 

Any relationship that starts right off from the beginning with heightened passion and exchanges of "I Love You's" has a far less chance of longevity than one that builds over time, in my observational and personal experience.

 

She may even remain friends with her past guys because her memories of those encounters are limited to the initial rushes. My guess is she left them all when the newness was starting to wear off. This may signal an EXTREME DANGER for you that you may need to take a hard look at.

 

While I still think it's really really dumb for any woman to give a guy details about her past lovelife, you just have to understand that no matter who you may date in your entire life, they will have been with other guys. Most of them will have french kissed with other guys, had sex with them, given them oral ex, etc. You can't undo that. But in all my dating life, I've never had one lady give me any details of all this and I never gave it any thought or was even curious. I guess the one's I've dated had a smarts and class.

 

When a female gives you details, which is extremely ignorant and inappropriate, I think it's pretty natural to have some thoughts whirl around your head. But if you're going to get past this, you've just got to accept that every woman has a similar history...your lady is just one of the few who, for some very odd reason, decided to give you some graphics.

 

I think you can get past this but I do think before you marry her, if that actually happens, you should send her to charm school to learn what is appropriate and what is not appropriate to tell people under different significant social situations.

 

I know you really love this girl and I want to be positive about all this. But I'm not in love with her and I can see things a bit more objectively based on your post. You need to take a cold shower and look at this whole thing more closely. If your lady hasn't matured yet to the point she is willing to commit to you in every way and be happy and comfortable with the relationship without this backing off crap, you will have serious problems to deal with.

 

I may be way off on all this...that's why you, who is right there in the thick of things, have to take a very close look at all this for yourself and arrive at conclusions based on your personal feelings and observations.

 

Does she plan to invite her ex lovers to the wedding?

[Ms Understood]

I agree with Tony 110% on this. I am not judging you for your fast relationship. (I got engaged at fifteen and married at sixteen been married for three years now) as I had a quick one too! But the thing is if my hubby wanted to see his ex girlfreinds I wouldn't be too happy about it. You need to talk to the girl you say you love so much and explain to her how hurt you are feeling.

 

If you feel ready to commit then tell her. But it does sound as though she is drifting from you. You need to talk to her about your feelings. Or you won't get anywhere with this relationship.

[clia]

I disagree with Tony and Ms. Understood. I think you might be analyzing this too much. After all, you've only been seeing each other for 4 months. That's not a very long time to make a commitment like moving in together. If she is indeed as self-sufficient (and independent, I'm assuming) as you say, the thought of moving in together could be a difficult one for her. I'm 26 and very independent and let me tell you, I won't move in with a guy unless I am sure he is the guy I am going to marry, and I certainly couldn't come to that conclusion after only 4 months. Moving in together is a very big deal for most women, especially when there's no ring on the finger.

 

As for her feelings at first of declaring her love and wanting to move in with you. That's the beginning of the relationship when you were floating high on the mystery and being fascinated with each other. If she says she's never felt anything like this before, she's probably telling the truth, but that's a very scary place to be. I agree that making declarations like that is a big deal, but sometimes we say things at first when we are in lust or the early stages of love that don't hold up once reality sets in.

 

I think that you should not bring up the idea of moving in together for awhile. Continue to see each other, of course, but really, what's the rush to move in together? You can continue to be in love and date while maintaining your separate residences. It's only been 4 months and there is probably still a lot that you don't know about each other.

 

As for her keeping in touch with her ex-boyfriends, I don't see anything wrong with that either. I still talk to two of my exes pretty regularly, but that doesn't mean I want to jump in bed with them. We're friends, nothing more. If you start nagging her about this, you will end up pushing her away. You should view these guys like any of her other 'guy friends'. Like I said, if she said she hasn't felt anything like this before, she was probably telling the truth, so she didn't feel anything like this with any of them. And of course she still 'cares' for them, but that doesn't mean that she wants to marry them. If she says she's still in love with them, then you have a problem. It's perfectly acceptable for you to tell her that it bothers you, but don't make a big deal out of it.

 

Self-sufficient, independent women do not like to be told how to live their lives, who they can talk to, or what they should do, especially when they are used to doing their own thing. If you start doing those things and smothering her, she will run for the hills. I think you should enjoy your relationship and back off. She'll decide what she wants to do when the time is right.

[Tim]

Clia - I like where you're coming from. She may be having second thoughts, she may not - time will tell I suppose. The only difficulty is in enjoying the relationship in a relaxed, laid-back way when you have this nagging doubt/fear in the back of your mind ...

 

Tim