Had my first real date at 29

[Sunyata]

Okay, I'm somewhat new here. Just like to say, if you can read through this, I'd really like feedback. I'm a month from 30 and just got out of a crazy year and a 1/2 relationship, which was my first relationship. It was an incredibly healing relationship for me in some ways, as I had never even been on a date with a girl before her. I really loved her, and she really loved me, in an extremely deep way. But unfortunately the relationship didn't last, and I'm over it.

 

Anyway, I went on a date the other night with a girl who initiated with me on OKCupid and even said she wanted to meet me, even if it was platonic. Technically, this was my first real date. I had talked with my ex for a month every day on Skype before meeting her, so when we met in real life there was very little pressure.

 

This date and I spent about 2.5 hours together, and the conversation flowed pretty well. I tried to keep it going, and did not panic when it stopped for a little bit, although eye contact could have been better. I too often looked into my glass and took an awkward sip. A huge thing is that I am a below the knee amputee, which I did not reveal in my profile. Halfway through the date I told her about it, and she didn't seem to mind - although no one would say if they did. We talked openly about using the dating side. At some point she said "so many guys message her on OKCupid she's not attracted to." She apologized for it being shallow, and at the time I hoped it was a way of her telling me she found me attractive.

 

After we had some food and were continuing with drinks, she turned her seat toward me. At another point, after I had already revealed the information about my leg, she asked me how I felt about "this" (the date). I said I felt pretty good, and she said she did too. Perhaps she just said that to be nice, but I felt the conversation was going pretty well.

 

Near the end of the date, after she said she was going to leave after her second drink, she asked me when I was available next, and told me when she was. I took this as rejection, and assumed she did not intend to follow through, so I weakly said "Just text me and I'll get back to you." As we were walking out, she told me "I like to think of myself as someone who can look past these things (my leg)." I assumed again that she was actually informing me she was struggling with it. As I walked to my car and she walked to her apartment, we shared two blocks of walking. I felt like she felt the conversation was awkward, and she apologized if she offended me by asking about my leg. I weakly waved goodbye, and went home sad assuming it was a "personal growth experience" and that I would never see her again.

 

The next day, she texts me "I had a good time. I hope I didn't make you uncomfortable." I said (in more words) "It's nice to hear from you. You didn't. I just got kind of shy near the end. Wish I would have given you a hug instead of just waving." She replied back "It's okay. I had a nice time." Two days later I texted her saying I'd like to take her up on our discussion of getting together again, and told her when I was available. In the two days since that message, I haven't heard back.

 

So in any case, whether I hear back from her or not, and it's looking like "not," I'm not going to take it too hard. Life is change, and I will just keep moving forward. But I'd like some feedback as I continue challenging myself and putting myself into these uncomfortable situations.

 

This message was probably too long but I'd greatly appreciate any feedback

Edited April 27, 2015 by Sunyata

[hunk]

Okay, I'm somewhat new here. Just like to say, if you can read through this, I'd really like feedback. I'm a month from 30 and just got out of a crazy year and a 1/2 relationship, which was my first relationship. It was an incredibly healing relationship for me in some ways, as I had never even been on a date with a girl before her. I really loved her, and she really loved me, in an extremely deep way. But unfortunately the relationship didn't last, and I'm over it.

 

Anyway, I went on a date the other night with a girl who initiated with me on OKCupid and even said she wanted to meet me, even if it was platonic. Technically, this was my first real date. I had talked with my ex for a month every day on Skype before meeting her, so when we met in real life there was very little pressure.

 

This date and I spent about 2.5 hours together, and the conversation flowed pretty well. I tried to keep it going, and did not panic when it stopped for a little bit, although eye contact could have been better. I too often looked into my glass and took an awkward sip. A huge thing is that I am a below the knee amputee, which I did not reveal in my profile. Halfway through the date I told her about it, and she didn't seem to mind - although no one would say if they did. We talked openly about using the dating side. At some point she said "so many guys message her on OKCupid she's not attracted to." She apologized for it being shallow, and at the time I hoped it was a way of her telling me she found me attractive.

 

After we had some food and were continuing with drinks, she turned her seat toward me. At another point, after I had already revealed the information about my leg, she asked me how I felt about "this" (the date). I said I felt pretty good, and she said she did too. Perhaps she just said that to be nice, but I felt the conversation was going pretty well.

 

Near the end of the date, after she said she was going to leave after her second drink, she asked me when I was available next, and told me when she was. I took this as rejection, and assumed she did not intend to follow through, so I weakly said "Just text me and I'll get back to you." As we were walking out, she told me "I like to think of myself as someone who can look past these things (my leg)." I assumed again that she was actually informing me she was struggling with it. As I walked to my car and she walked to her apartment, we shared two blocks of walking. I felt like she felt the conversation was awkward, and she apologized if she offended me by asking about my leg. I weakly waved goodbye, and went home sad assuming it was a "personal growth experience" and that I would never see her again.

 

The next day, she texts me "I had a good time. I hope I didn't make you uncomfortable." I said (in more words) "It's nice to hear from you. You didn't. I just got kind of shy near the end. Wish I would have given you a hug instead of just waving." She replied back "It's okay. I had a nice time." Two days later I texted her saying I'd like to take her up on our discussion of getting together again, and told her when I was available. In the two days since that message, I haven't heard back.

 

So in any case, whether I hear back from her or not, and it's looking like "not," I'm not going to take it too hard. Life is change, and I will just keep moving forward. But I'd like some feedback as I continue challenging myself and putting myself into these uncomfortable situations.

 

This message was probably too long but I'd greatly appreciate any feedback

 

Alright. First thing's first. Her talking about guys messaging her and her not finding them attractive. That's a positive, a big positive. You take that as her basically confirming she finds you attractive in some capacity. She's communicating non directly that she is attracted to you in SOME way - physically, or she's actually interested and potentially excited about what you have to offer on this date.

 

When she asked how you felt about the date, that was her gauging how you really feel about yourself. She wanted to know that you're completely accepting of your disability and more importantly YOURSELF, and that it's not a source of insecurity for you. How I would've reacted - "of course, I wouldn't still be here if I wasn't enjoying myself" and laughed it off, or something like "I'm having a great time" and just given her a cheeky grin or something. I would not have asked her if she was enjoying herself. You already KNOW she's enjoying herself. You're lying through your teeth here but she doesn't know this. The whole idea here is shifting the dynamic from her wondering if you're insecure to her KNOWING you're a secure, confident guy. You do this through flirting and conveying a devil-may-care attitude.

 

The rest of the date failed miserably because she sensed your insecurity. She couldn't get past the leg thing because she sensed you were hung up on it. She KNEW you were sitting there worried about how she felt about your disability and that in turn destroyed your potential to have a real date where you made her comfortable, were so comfortable with yourself you could joke about your leg, and really concentrate on HER and getting to know her. This woman would've thought "ok this guy's missing a leg, let's see how he feels about that". She wanted you to show her you don't care, that you're a fun interesting guy who just so happens to be missing a leg. Instead you became the guy who's missing a leg and can't get over it. You let this dictate the entire date, to the point where she was in complete control. You relinquished control through your insecurity. By the end of the date she would've just wanted to go home because she wasn't enjoying herself. She wasn't enjoying herself because YOU weren't enjoying yourself.

 

You did nothing wrong and you were a good person. She was attracted to you initially and this date was the opportunity for you to validate that attraction. You just didn't see this and let your own insecurity taint the entire interaction.

 

The positive is that something about you initially attracted her. What was that?

[Sunyata]

I don't know if that analysis is right, maybe partially because I don't know if my own interpretation as I wrote it here was right. I basically said I was confident about my leg, but I was quite nervous about bringing it out and announcing it. I didn't like, look at her, anything like that.

 

I think what attracted her is that I'm very open, non-reactive, and can talk about anything. Perhaps she found me attractive. I'm very self-aware on the whole, though I have a lot of growing to do. The whole way I think about myself and others is flawed. To me, the other person in the room (or any room) is never questioning themselves, wondering what I think, etc. They are always absolutely self-certain and mostly self-fulfilled. I don't know. If I was going to ask her out again, I shouldn't have waited from our texts Thursday until Saturday morning. When I just dropped the texting after that Thursday night texting, maybe it just sort of ended it in her head too... Also probably should have given her some feedback at the end of the date regarding how I felt about it. Such as "You seem really cool and I really enjoyed spending the night with you!" But instead, nothing...

 

So you are right though, near the end of the date she showed signs that she felt I was insecure about the leg. When we got to the bar/restaurant, she asked if the reason I didn't want to walk in front of her was because I was limping a little (which I had mentioned when I revealed the fact). "Yes" I said.

 

So cool, maybe she'll think it over and get back to me. During the date, she also told me she had another date the night after our date. Perhaps that means she saw me as merely a fun social interaction. I don't know.

 

But anyway, I'd definitely like to learn from this and hopefully be able to look back and say yes, I did attract her in some ways. Sucks too because we really got along in some ways. A girl in CO who has never been snowboarding and didn't try to convey that whole scene? How likely is that! Damnit!

Edited April 27, 2015 by Sunyata