How long does it take for WS to stop thinking about AP

[VeryBrokenMan]

I'm sorry you're dealing with that right now. I have a rather obsessive personality, so I can relate to intrusive thoughts. I was wondering how often your husband says he thinks AP? I know for some men, this can be very hard.

 

Also, mean to be very visual creatures. For most mean, the first few months or years are like watching a constant pornographic film of you and AP doing the most vile things you could think of. Those "mind movies" seem cause more men to divorce their wife than the actual acts themselves. Most men report they are even tormented in their sleep by them.

 

My IC was able to help with the mind movies and after about month 3 post dday or so the mind movies were not an issue at all. There are a lot of books on the subject but MCBT and CBT are two techniques to rid yourself of these thoughts. I don't think I'm special or any different than most men and feel like you almost have to want to be mired in the pain if you're still having problems with those thoughts months or years later. You can choose to deal with these thoughts and movies and not let them ruin your quality of life. I also think that letting yourself get bogged down in those thoughts is the same as letting the OM win and that a&*hat will never win anything if I'm involved. That is a powerful thought weapon to rid yourself of these thoughts as well.

[compulsivedancer]

What were you told?

 

NC, NC, NC. Shut out all thoughts of him, replace them with negative thoughts. Think of your H whenever you think of him, etc. Probably what's needed to heal the marriage, but not even a little healthy in my own healing or moving on.

 

Worse, because H planted all these questions in my head about OM, instead of just being able to say "it was what it was" and move on, now I had all these new questions to chew on...which actually made me think about him more. Once I finally made contact and was able to confirm my own sanity and memories, I was able to put him behind me almost immediately.

 

Of course, H was a huge trigger himself, because he was constantly bringing up the affair and forcing me to think about OM. When I moved out, I stopped being confronted with memories and questions about OM all the time, which made it so much easier to move on.

[DKT3]

NC, NC, NC. Shut out all thoughts of him, replace them with negative thoughts. Think of your H whenever you think of him, etc. Probably what's needed to heal the marriage, but not even a little healthy in my own healing or moving on.

 

Worse, because H planted all these questions in my head about OM, instead of just being able to say "it was what it was" and move on, now I had all these new questions to chew on...which actually made me think about him more. Once I finally made contact and was able to confirm my own sanity and memories, I was able to put him behind me almost immediately.

 

Of course, H was a huge trigger himself, because he was constantly bringing up the affair and forcing me to think about OM. When I moved out, I stopped being confronted with memories and questions about OM all the time, which made it so much easier to move on.

I don't know, maybe it was the rejection of you by OM that put it to rest. If I recall correctly it was your digging in and defending your relationship with OM that was the problem, not your husband "forcing" you to remember him.

[Spark1111]

NC, NC, NC. Shut out all thoughts of him, replace them with negative thoughts. Think of your H whenever you think of him, etc. Probably what's needed to heal the marriage, but not even a little healthy in my own healing or moving on.

 

Worse, because H planted all these questions in my head about OM, instead of just being able to say "it was what it was" and move on, now I had all these new questions to chew on...which actually made me think about him more. Once I finally made contact and was able to confirm my own sanity and memories, I was able to put him behind me almost immediately.

 

Of course, H was a huge trigger himself, because he was constantly bringing up the affair and forcing me to think about OM. When I moved out, I stopped being confronted with memories and questions about OM all the time, which made it so much easier to move on.

 

CD, am I mistaken or didn't you keep contacting OM and your BH kept discovering it?

 

No wonder he went crazy and kept having more and more questions for you.

 

Nothing rang TRUE for him. FBS here and that is CRAZY making....

 

whenever I discovered contact, I kept throwing him out....told him to go to his soul mate...we would divorce amicably and I promised to NEVER say a bad word to our children about him, the affair, or his OW. ( I did not!)

 

he lived with her for three weeks...and it went pssssst.

 

hey, not forbidden, no angst, no guilt, no shame, nothing to hide, nothing to rebel against....it did not last.

 

no, He never thinks of her and if he does....I could not care less.

 

we ALL have a past, pre-marriage. We ALL have someone we could be thinking about...

 

we are where we CHOOSE to be and it's okay.

[Spark1111]

PS: If you are stuck thinking about someone who did not choose you, OR that you didn't choose, then you are stuck in a painful past.

 

that's just unhealthy, IMO.

 

Most people are EXACTLY where they want to be. Everything else is just excuses, smoke and mirrors.

[compulsivedancer]

I don't know, maybe it was the rejection of you by OM that put it to rest. If I recall correctly it was your digging in and defending your relationship with OM that was the problem, not your husband "forcing" you to remember him.

 

I actually didn't defend OM. But I did contact him, which both ended the relationship with H and began actual healing over OM.

 

H wasn't trying to make me remember him, but it was impossible to forget him as he was discussed constantly thoughout the first year post DDay.

 

Spark, perhaps if I had been able to address the relationship with OM like your WH did, it would have made a difference. Or maybe it wouldn't. But "closure" is a bad word on this forum...

[gettingstronger]

He is filled with regret over the situation. She continues to intrude over 2 years later so yeah, she crosses his mind a lot, but not in a good way. He has thrown up at therapy when we talk specifics. He has battled depression, over drinking, self loathing, etcetera since dday. So my guess is he is more haunted than pining. JMO

[waterwoman]

I think the most important thing is not whether they think of AP, but how they think of them. Is it with longing and sadness, with regret and shame or indifference. H is at stage 3. It took him a few months to get to stage 2 and a lot longer to get to 3.

[Wondering33]

I think that "thinking about" is a world different than pining after.

 

We all (probably) have ex's in our past. Old boy or girl friends that we think fleetingly about from time to time. But do we think about them with an intensity such that we would rather be with them than our spouse? Probably not.

 

At about the 5 year mark after Dday my WW disappeared for a day out near to where OM lives. She was out there to visit one of our kids, and that's what she was doing. While there she decided to visit a local community - one of those quaint ones that are find to walk around and look at the shops - and she thought that it was ok for her to do that even though that community was one of the places she and her OM used to go.

 

Obviously I found out about it and was ready to kick her to the curb. She swore she didn't see him, that the community was just a place she enjoyed visiting.

 

So I told her that if she would rather be with OM I would give her a clean divorce. We divide everything 50-50, no fuss at all. Our kids were grown then (not so right after Dday), so it would be an easy divorce. She would walk away with enough money to buy her own house out near where OM iives - heck if he divorced his wife they would be living easy.

 

I asked to to "JUST LET ME GO" if she would rather be with him. She held on to me like crazy, and we didn't divorce. Ever since then she has never been unaccountable when she has visited that area.

 

"Thinking about" the AP is just going to happen. Yes it's not right and not fair to the BS because that person should not be in their mind at all. Being betrayed like this is so unfair on almost every level. But "thinking about" is just going to happen - and for me that's ok as long as there is no attraction or pining associated with it.

 

 

After 5 years, you still don't trust her?

[jbrent890]

After 5 years, you still don't trust her?

 

I think for most, that trust never comes back completely. Not to mention she went missing in the area where her AP lived. That would raise some red flags in me as well.

[cocorico]

I think for most, that trust never comes back completely.

 

Who would want to live like that?

[HereNorThere]

I wish that every BS's WS posted on here. With as a much rewriting, gas-lighting, etc that goes on these situations, it has to be comforting for them to be able to go back and have the truth documented as it happened.

 

For the most part, I don't think that the WS purposely alters their memory to continue hurting the BS. If anything, I think it's just an ego defense mechanism. However, wow, it is amazing to see the lengths that some could go to, even if it is just to make themselves better about a situation.

 

This is what would really make it hard in regards to OPs original question. Truthfully, you never get to know how much you WS thinks about their AP. You can't read their mind, their word isn't trustworthy and a lot can rewrite history to the point they actually believe it themselves. It's just a hard, cruel world for BS. Just a lose/lose situation for most.

Edited May 5, 2015 by HereNorThere