Am I making a mistake?

[kindascared]

Hi Kindascared, From what you have written till now it seems that you need this relationship more than her and she knows it. If that be the case then I think you are going to be bending over backwards now, and in the future, whenever she decides to test the waters and see if the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Fact is no real damage has been done till now because you are not married to her and can break your bond with her when ever you decide. However if you seal your relationship with marriage then it is going to be a very different kettle of fish.

 

Think seriously as to what you want in a life partner and whether this woman has those attributes. If at all you think she doesn't then turn around and run like mad. If you choose to make a mistake now knowing fully well where this is going to lead you then do not be a cry baby and come running back to forums like this one asking for advice which you do not like and do not intend to take. In that case I would wish you the best in the future!

 

I really appreciate all of the advice. I prefer the nuanced advice though. I am certainly going to tread lightly with the relationship...I mean, she slept with other people right before we were committed. Yeah, I am going to be careful. Marriage...right now isn't a consideration right now. The relationship feels equal. She tries really hard to show me how much she cares and how much she loves me. She knows she messed up. I don't need any relationship. But, from what I see, the juice is worth the squeeze. I won't deny that I am biased, and self-interested, but I'm not just some lovesick lap dog waiting to get pushed around. I want to be in this relationship. If something changes on her part that isn't acceptable, then I won't be in the relationship anymore.

[kindascared]

If the roles were reversed I doubt that she would be accepting and forgiving such humiliation from you.

I hope you both have been tested for STD's.

 

Being with a bisexual woman is asking for trouble.

 

Now that is a very strong argument. And you're right. I don't think she would be able to handle it(she claims she would understand). I have been tested. And I am not sure if she is bisexual, whatever that term implies. She probably wouldn't enter a relationship with a woman.

[BetrayedH]

You're making a sacrifice by staying with her.

 

She should also make this particular sacrifice in order to have you stay with her. In this case, that's giving up these "friends" that she had a threesome with. She needs to decide on her priorities. She can either have that friendship or she can have her boyfriend. If she doesn't respect you enough to make that sacrifice, then you will have established quite a precedent that she can disrespect you and you'll take it.

 

Put this perfectly reasonable boundary back in place. Apologize for wavering if you must but either make 'no contact' a requirement or walk away altogether. No one should have to sit around and be chummy with a couple of people that slept with their signficant other. The loss of that friendship is a natural consequence of her actions. She can accept that or leave.

[kindascared]

You're making a sacrifice by staying with her.

 

She should also make this particular sacrifice in order to have you stay with her. In this case, that's giving up these "friends" that she had a threesome with. She needs to decide on her priorities. She can either have that friendship or she can have her boyfriend. If she doesn't respect you enough to make that sacrifice, then you will have established quite a precedent that she can disrespect you and you'll take it.

 

Put this perfectly reasonable boundary back in place. Apologize for wavering if you must but either make 'no contact' a requirement or walk away altogether. No one should have to sit around and be chummy with a couple of people that slept with their signficant other. The loss of that friendship is a natural consequence of her actions. She can accept that or leave.

Agreed. I just needed to hear(read) this from others, really. It's the most reasonable, considerate position.

[Try]

I will be wary but honestly, I won't control her. If she wants any part of him, she can have him, and I will be on my way. I refuse to be intimidated. Honestly, if I find them alone together I would just walk. She needs to be sensitive to that and it should be obvious.

This post right here is why I am concerned about this being successful for you. Many doubt that you should even give this woman another chance, but if you are going to, the only way that this is going to work out for you is by drawing strong boundaries and enforcing them. Exclusive relationships are all about both parties agreeing to be controlled by boundaries. When you say such things as "I won't control her", you are in effect saying that you will not enforce boundaries, and that is just weak.

 

When referring to the husband, your statement that "if I find them alone together I would just walk" is another way of saying that she can see him as long as they are not alone together. It is also another way of saying that she can remain friends with her toxic friend. That is also just weak. She was not alone with him when she had her threesome with him now was she? She not only had sex with the friend's husband, but also with the friend did she not? If you are to have a real chance at making this work, you must insist on full no contact with this other couple forever. If you are too weak to insist on this reasonable boundary, then none of them will respect you or your relationship going forward. Make her choose you or them. If she chooses them, then you are better off moving on.

Edited April 27, 2015 by Try

[nightmare01]

First - when someone makes repeated "mistakes" they're NOT mistakes.

 

Second - I'll disagree with Try and say that no one can or should control another person. You can't imprison the person you are in a relationship with. This doesn't mean we can't or don't have boundaries. The only person we can control is ourselves. So if our partner crosses a boundary - they are free to do so, BUT we are also free to react how we choose to react to that boundary being crossed.

 

Third - If I were in your place, seeing this girl friend or her husband would be crossing a boundary for me. Seeing them AT ALL would have dire consequences.

 

In my case - even after nearly 14 years from Dday, if my WW goes anywhere near where she MIGHT see her OM and is not in the company of someone I have absolute trust in - then we're done. If she goes to any of their "romantic" places, we're done. If OM contacts her and she doesn't tell me immediately, or especially if there is any 2 way communication of any time, we're done.

 

NC has to be absolute. The people that your wife had sex with have to be absolutely out of her life forever.

 

You seeing this couple - especially this OM - I would expect HUGE triggers. I advise that you stay away from that. THAT is under your control. If your GF wants to see them she is free to do so... but you need to be ready to enforce consequences to her doing that.

[Mr. Lucky]

In short, we had been talking for about 3 weeks. Upfront she said she wasn't interested in a long term relationship and wanted to date around. The problem is that we had known each other for a long time and we were already in deep. Talking about being soul mates, saying i love you, I'm in love with you, talking about our future together, calling each other nonstop.

 

Forget her, why are you having this kind of discussion 3 weeks into a relationship? Unless you're in high school, soul mates, love and future aren't realistic, appropriate or meaningful topics when the time together is measured in weeks...

 

Mr. Lucky

[loveboid]

I don't think she's in love with you. In my experience people in love hyper focus on one person and want no one else, even when drunk.

 

I think this is why most people want their partner to be in love when they marry. An in-love partner likely won't stray.

 

Plenty of people fall out of love and still love their spouse enough to stay faithful. It's a risk you'd be taking. She's already shown to me that 1) she's not in love with you, and 2) she doesn't love you enough to stay faithful.

[Chi townD]

What is wrong with your girl! You say that she regrets it happening and is totally remorseful. She knows she hurt you and is doing everything to make it up to you.

 

 

Yet, she wants you to come hang out with the very people that betrayed your relationship? Where the only thing EVERYONE in the room has in common is that everyone knows your girlfriend intimately!

 

 

Dude, does she have a screw loose? Or is she secretly hoping to swap partners so everyone is on equal ground.

[Try]

Second - I'll disagree with Try and say that no one can or should control another person. You can't imprison the person you are in a relationship with. This doesn't mean we can't or don't have boundaries. The only person we can control is ourselves. So if our partner crosses a boundary - they are free to do so, BUT we are also free to react how we choose to react to that boundary being crossed.

When I said that "Exclusive relationships are all about both parties agreeing to be controlled by boundaries", you disagreed with this and said that "no one can or should control another person". You then when on to say that she better not cross a boundary or else he should "react to that boundary being crossed". That is a distinction without a difference, because reacting to the crossing of a boundary is how you exert control when enforcing a boundary. Other then this point, which is nothing more than a word game to avoid the word controlling, I strongly agree with your post and would have otherwise "Liked" it.

[bubbaganoosh]

Friend. Your not asking for our advice, your asking us for your approval of the way your handling this mess.

 

You said she's not a cheater. She had a 3 way with her best friend and her husband HELLO!! You might want to call it a mistake but drunk or not drunk, call it what you may but it's cheating and now she wants to be pals again with her and you approve?

 

Friend some night your going to be sitting in the chair in the bedroom watching this thing happen again. If you have ant smarts then get out of this mess now while you still can.

[Furious]

OK. I want to keep this short, but I know that hardly ever happens. Almost a year ago, my partner made a choice that hurt me pretty badly. I don't know if it was cheating. In short, we had been talking for about 3 weeks. Upfront she said she wasn't interested in a long term relationship and wanted to date around. The problem is that we had known each other for a long time and we were already in deep. Talking about being soul mates, saying i love you, I'm in love with you, talking about our future together, calling each other nonstop. Well, the moment there is a chance for her to actually sleep with someone else, I tell her I am not ok with it. She says ok, she won't do it. She had a couple if drinks when she said this. Well, that night she had a threesome with her best friend and her best friends husband. She was pretty drunk, but so what. She says it was a mistake to tell me she wasn't going to sleep with anyone, because at the time she didn't know what she wanted. She got very drunk, had a threesome, didn't like how she felt in the morning and told me what happened. There are some aggravating factors but lets leave them out for the time.

 

Ok. I was upset. A couple days later, she told me that she wanted to be in a committed relationship. So, i say of course, this is what I wanted. Well, the people she had a threesome with are her closest friends. She doesn't admit any wrongdoing for some time. Then she admits to wrong doing but doesn't want to let go of her friends. Then she lets go of the friends finally after a few months. But I was still hurting, and when we talked about it, we fought, and the fights started to get very painful. I know she was remorseful and I know she is trying very hard to be good to me, and to get me to trust her. She started to resent me for bringing it up so often. I see that this is hurting the relationship so I decide that I need to forgive her. And i have. I am still upset. But I want our relationship to be good.

 

She never makes any new friends really after a few months. I tell her that it was a confusing time in our lives and maybe she should talk to her old friend. She does, and now her best friend has a new baby. We are going to see them in a couple of days. I forgive my girl, but I am still hurting. Am I dumb for going along with this? Should I have requested permanent no contact? I am trying to be the best person that I can be. If you want any more details just ask. There are a lot of hurtful things in this story.

 

 

My best advice would be for you to read your opening post over and over again.

 

It's seems you're looking for the green light thumbs up support despite the red lights flashing a warning. Seems like you have already decided you will go will the green light.

[Try]

I don't think she is a cheater.

If you "don't think she is a cheater", why did you post this in the Infidelity Section of this site?

 

 

I don't think its the case that we were in a relationship. She's good to me. She screwed up. She puts her everything into trying to make up for a mistake that she is very remorseful for.

I call bull on you trying to revise history to say that you were not "in a relationship". You are not in high school where you have to officially go study to be in a relationship. In your first post you said that "the moment there is a chance for her to actually sleep with someone else, I tell her I am not ok with it. She says ok, she won't do it.", and then went on to immediately have a threesome. Well guess what, when she agreed to not sleep with someone else, is the exact moment that the two of you entered into an exclusive relationship, and when having sex with someone else became cheating. She is a cheater, plain and simple. If you want to still give her a second chance, that is your call, but stop trying to minimize and rationalize staying with her by saying that she is not a cheater.

[happyman64]

kindascared

 

I think your girl needs to grow up.

 

She also needs to find out what makes her happy.

 

Is it you?

 

And as far as a threesome, what person sleeps with her BF and her husband? Drunk or not that is just bad judgement on all their parts.

 

DO you ***** where you eat?

 

I didn't think so.

 

Don't set yourself up to be the guy that gets the old "I'm not happy...." from her eight years from now.

 

Be the guy that wants a loving, respectful partner. Their partner feels the same way about you. And you both agree on healthy boundaries in your relationship.

 

Ask her if she is capable of all that.

 

HM

[Try]

And as far as a threesome, what person sleeps with her BF and her husband? Drunk or not that is just bad judgement on all their parts.

Having a threesome with your best friend and the best friend's husband, pretty much insures that long term there will be issues to this friendship since the vast majority of people are not OK with their spouses spending a lot of alone time with people that their spouses have had sex with in the past. Sure there are a few people that would be OK with it, just like there are a few people that believe in open marriages and think that married couples having threesomes are a good idea, but most would not feel that this is OK. If you do not think that this is OK, and if he shared your values on this, she would know this.

[BetrayedH]

Agreed. I just needed to hear(read) this from others, really. It's the most reasonable, considerate position.

 

For what it's worth, I think it's ok to consider reconciling with this girl. The fact that she made a voluntary confession speaks volumes as to her true remorse. This is vastly different from a cheater that has been caught and reconciliation statistics speak to that difference pretty dramatically.

 

That said, it's also pretty normal for her to 'want' to maintain her friendships and avoid suffering the consequences of her actions. It's just not healthy for you to accomodate that want.

 

You need to grow a level of confidence about this. It's unreasonable for her to request that you (or her) hang with these folks anymore if she wants to keep a relationship with you. Similarly, it was unreasonable for her to think that she can play single and have threesomes right after she's established an exclusive relationship with you.

 

How much you want to keep investing in a woman that can't seem to make these common sense decisions on her own is up to you. But at minimum, you should enforce these reasonable boundaries. While people here may disagree over the nomenclature, the reality is that she faces an ultimatum with you: keep the friends or keep the relationship. She can make a choice (it's nice of you to give her options). And then you make a choice.

[elaine567]

After cheating, the BS often feels the need to "police" their WS to make sure they are not in a position to keep cheating. As the APs here are her friends how are you going to ensure she is really out shopping with her friend, when they could be in a motel somewhere plus or minus the husband or how will you know when she goes over the friend's house for a chat, they are not all "chatting" in the bedroom...?

 

She has to give up the friends.

[nightmare01]

When I said that "Exclusive relationships are all about both parties agreeing to be controlled by boundaries", you disagreed with this and said that "no one can or should control another person". You then when on to say that she better not cross a boundary or else he should "react to that boundary being crossed". That is a distinction without a difference, because reacting to the crossing of a boundary is how you exert control when enforcing a boundary. Other then this point, which is nothing more than a word game to avoid the word controlling, I strongly agree with your post and would have otherwise "Liked" it.

 

I understand your confusion.

 

This is an internal mental gymnastic of mine - not an ultimatum I have laid on the shoulders of my WW. It took me a LONG time to get to this place.. I was always trying to keep track and play detective to make sure she wasn't cheating again. But that was like playing a game of whack-a-more at the carnival, it was not a game I could win.

 

If a WS wants to cheat again they will. And there's nothing we can do to prevent it. With their prior experience they are better at cheating than they were before. So for my own sanity I had to let go of trying to control what she did. I gave up and realized that I am the only person that's under my control.

 

If my WW wants to cheat again she will. But just like she the WS that is better at cheating, I as a BS am better at figuring it out. I trust myself to figure it out.

 

Any WS should know where their boundaries are. And those boundaries have to be their own, not ones we impose. IMO the imposition of boundaries will cause resistance from the WS. To even start to trust our WS we need to let them have their own boundaries.

 

I don't impose anything on my WW. She either remains faithful and we stay married, or she doesn't remain faithful and we divorce.

 

Not sure if I'm clear about this. I'm not imposing boundaries on her. She is not my prisoner. She can do as she likes, including see her OM again. But if she does that I'll divorce her.

 

I expect her to keep her own boundaries because they are what she wants - not because of what I want.