Ex blows off going away party for mutual friend.

[Mrlonelyone]

It's called an ego stroke, and dumpers do it all the time.

 

Not to say your ex probably doesn't miss you.... and enjoy flirting.... but to think that probably means interest is kind of naive.

 

Ahh I see where the disconnect is. To many of you "interest" is an either or proposition. One is either interested or not with no grey areas. I don't see it that way.

 

To me flirting indicates some minimal level of interest at least. It is the way we open the door to further interactions. Generally we don't flirt with people we find repulsive, annoying, etc. That's just common sense.

 

I didn't think that flirting meant she wanted to have my babies or something. It meant at least she was open to further interaction. If phone flirting is fun in person is even more fun.

 

 

I think this is a situation where you want to believe what you want to believe.... and if people try and tell you otherwise, you'll just attack them for it and be defensive.

 

So -- go for it! Live and learn.

 

Not taking advice that contradicts information that I have and you do not does not constitute an attack.

[Mrlonelyone]

Is M the woman you hung out with but never really dated? Did anything serious ever happen between the two of you?

 

Never really dated? We spent 12-16 hours per day together maybe half of that time it was just me and her. I met her parents. Her parents wanted to meet my parents. We were like one big family for a hot minute.

 

I'd say that was pretty serious.

 

Just because I never went on a cliché dinner and a movie date with her means it isn't?

 

I say this with as much care as I can: MrLonelyone, you need to let go of her. You are grasping at straws when it comes to this woman, trying to build something that was at best a sliver of mutual interest into a full-blown romance.

 

We also had sex back then. Are people not seeing when I write that?

 

 

When someone is into you, you will know it. The longer you try to read into the actions of people, the more damage you do to your self-esteem and the longer you delay the possibility of finding real love.

 

Kamille the LS idea of real love is you meet someone. Fall hard head over heels with no hesitation or complications and within three weeks you are married and if not you have to go NC.

[Ruby65]

Good luck to you.

[Mrlonelyone]

During our time together M and I :

 

• Spent approximately 2000 hours together, at least half of that just me and her, in the space of 9 months*
  
• Had sex
  
• Met eachothers friends
  
• I met her family and she communicated with mine.
  
• Talked of the future together including baby names. (Never told ya'll that)
  
• Were so close that our friends children called us Uncle Mrlonelyone and Aunt M.
  

 

It ended when I graduated from my program and moved so far away that we could not carry on and we both agreed that a LDR was not for us.

 

 

What part of that indicates she clearly was not ever into me? What am I missing in my deep delusion? Maybe seeing it condensed into a list will bring clarity.

 

 

 

*To put that number in perspective I did the math. Married couples spend, not counting time sleeping (as in asleep not sex) 15 hours a week together just the two of them. It would take 2.5 years for a married couple that spend that much time to accumulate it.

[Kamille]

 

 

 

 

What part of that indicates she clearly was not ever into me? What am I missing in my deep delusion? Maybe seeing it condensed into a list will bring clarity.

 

 

 

 

I thought she told you she wasn't interested in a relationship with you, this in spite of everything else. She also had a boyfriend at the time, didn't she?

 

That's why many of us got the impression you were not, in fact, in a relationship.

 

Clearly you need this though. This story serves a purpose in your life. I don't know what that purpose is, but like others have said, best of luck to you.

[elaine567]

It's called an ego stroke, and dumpers do it all the time.

 

Exactly, dumpers are often still in an emotionally close place, so they can fall into the habit of flirty talk around the dumpee.

BUT if the dumpee takes them up on their offer they can be shocked and say "No way!" as they no longer think of the dumpee in that way any more. The flirting is just banter and not meant to be taken seriously.

They often do want to be friends, to assuage their own guilt or to curb their own loneliness, or to keep the dumpee as some sort of support system for themselves.

They may even sleep with the dumpee, but then they just tend to leave, never to return.

 

They can flirt with you, they can love you, they may like to hang out with you, they may even f*ck you, but that doesn't mean they want to get back with you.

 

This party was a great opportunity for her to say, "Mrlonelyone, I miss you, I made a mistake, I want us to get back together", BUT she didn't show and that sends you a clear message.

Listen to her.

[Mrlonelyone]

I thought she told you she wasn't interested in a relationship with you, this in spite of everything else. She also had a boyfriend at the time, didn't she?.

 

That's why many of us got the impression you were not, in fact, in a relationship.

 

 

Early on she said she had a boyfriend.

 

Then she did all of the things I listed above. Those are girlfriend/boyfreind things to do are they not?

 

 

We both had other people we hung out with on occasion. (To me they were never significant enough to write about here.) We were not strictly monogamous and strict monogamy is not universally required for a relationship to be serious.

 

 

Now when it became clear their was a rebound guy for her and moving very far away for me. But there was also a current of messages both ways for some months. It was a mess.

 

 

Clearly you need this though. This story serves a purpose in your life. I don't know what that purpose is, but like others have said, best of luck to you.

 

How about this. Accept on good faith that the story is the truth. The story is what happened. Real life stories aren't scripted, can be confusing and chaotic and random at times. There is no template for life.

[Mrlonelyone]

Exactly, dumpers are often still in an emotionally close place, so they can fall into the habit of flirty talk around the dumpee.

BUT if the dumpee takes them up on their offer they can be shocked and say "No way!" as they no longer think of the dumpee in that way any more. The flirting is just banter and not meant to be taken seriously.

They often do want to be friends, to assuage their own guilt or to curb their own loneliness, or to keep the dumpee as some sort of support system for themselves.

They may even sleep with the dumpee, but then they just tend to leave, never to return.

 

 

 

They can flirt with you, they can love you, they may like to hang out with you, they may even f*ck you, but that doesn't mean they want to get back with you.

 

 

That is one heck of a statement. They can love you, hang out with you, have sex with you.... but not want to get back with you.

 

To me actions are everything.

 

If someone is spending their time with me, f*cking me, and loving me in concrete ways....then I think that means we are together. That does not obligate them to "forever".

 

 

Together just means now, not tomorrow and forever.

 

 

This party was a great opportunity for her to say, "Mrlonelyone, I miss you, I made a mistake, I want us to get back together", BUT she didn't show and that sends you a clear message.

Listen to her.

 

That's so true. That is why I am NC on her for now. That is what I said a couple pages ago.

 

What we are on now is this notion that there was "never" anything at all.

[Mrlonelyone]

For the record. The "story" I tell now is the same story I told back when this thing ended.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/393920-going-total-nc-m-too-much-crazy-put-up

 

I was genuinely happy to be done with her then. She was impulsive, erractic, and unpredictable then (in good and bad ways) and still is now. I was more angry than distraught.

 

From May 2013 to this May it has been two years of .... every so many months... messages, calls, text forwards and back. Most initiated by her.

 

I really wonder why we don't fully let go.

Edited April 30, 2015 by Mrlonelyone

[Simon Phoenix]

For the record. The "story" I tell now is the same story I told back when this thing ended.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/393920-going-total-nc-m-too-much-crazy-put-up

 

I was genuinely happy to be done with her then. She was impulsive, erractic, and unpredictable then (in good and bad ways) and still is now. I was more angry than distraught.

 

From May 2013 to this May it has been two years of .... every so many months... messages, calls, text forwards and back. Most initiated by her.

 

I really wonder why we don't fully let go.

 

She doesn't let go because she doesn't have to. She knows you'll always be there and she can come and go whenever she pleases. She gets her fix, but when it comes time to up the ante, she goes ghost until it blows over, then re-engages. This isn't some big, complicated math formula dude. I know you want the numbers to add up to a certain special sum that will guarantee that you and her will live together in loving harmony for ever and ever but that's not going to happen. And one reason that it's not going to happen is because there's no reason in her mind for it to happen. She can do whatever she wants however she wants and you'll be there, hoping beyond hope that this flirting (or whatever she does at that time) is the indicator that this time it will happen. You'll staunchly defend her interest in you based on what you had two-plus years ago (which wasn't even official apparently) and that will be enough to keep you in this funk until she's ready to get her fix again.

 

She doesn't have to let go. YOU have to let go and move on with YOUR life. But you'd rather build a case in your mind to defend yourself on why things are going to work out for you. You can come up with every counterexample and argument you want, but the result is the same -- you and her are not in a romantic relationship and will likely never be in a romantic relationship.

 

You are in the friendzone dude. I've been there before and have had plenty of friends reside there. I've made similar arguments when in the friendzone as to why I thought I was progressing in the right direction and have heard such arguments from others. Logically you think that if you add all this stuff together, it's inevitable that you'll end up together. But feelings aren't logical, which is why building a case like you're a district attorney doesn't work.

 

It's up to you to detach and stop enabling this. If you had any shot at this woman, it will come from you not chomping on the breadcrumbs. You've been chomping on them for years and it's gotten you nowhere. And not only has it gotten you nowhere with her, but you are unable to find someone who you won't have to construct evidence exhibits to prove that she's into you.

 

And yes, I know you having been saying you'll go NC. But the moment she sniffs back around (which will happen), the odds of you caving and getting back into this situation are very high.

[Mrlonelyone]

She doesn't let go because she doesn't have to. She knows you'll always be there and she can come and go whenever she pleases. She gets her fix, but when it comes time to up the ante, she goes ghost until it blows over, then re-engages.

 

Applause Applause that is her pattern. Even when things were going well that was her pattern. That is her way of carrying on these sort of interactions. Based on things her family told me about her she's that way with everybody, even family to an extent.* It's insufferable.

 

 

 

This isn't some big, complicated math formula dude. I know you want the numbers to add up to a certain special sum that will guarantee that you and her will live together in loving harmony for ever and ever but that's not going to happen. And one reason that it's not going to happen is because there's no reason in her mind for it to happen. She can do whatever she wants however she wants and you'll be there, hoping beyond hope that this flirting (or whatever she does at that time) is the indicator that this time it will happen. You'll staunchly defend her interest in you based on what you had two-plus years ago (which wasn't even official apparently) and that will be enough to keep you in this funk until she's ready to get her fix again.

.

 

I would characterize this differently. I defended the fact that she at one time had interest. Some folks were trying to re write history into her never ever having had interest.

 

 

Like you said, her thing is she has interest until she gets whatever it is she wants out of it, then backs away. When it's time to take whatever the next step is she does that.

 

 

 

The rest isn't quite right. I don't think I am in the FZ. We aren't friends. It's either coy sexy flirty talk or no talk. However, I am not waiting around for things to work out with her or in a funk.

 

 

I am actually on OK cupid these last couple of months. The truth of that is no one there has been worth writing home about. I just haven't met anyone much better than her (most have been objectively worse, i.e. obese, far less intelligent. women of no wit or invention at all.)

 

*Of course like all people she has her sweet sides and her bitter sides no one is perfect.

Edited April 30, 2015 by Mrlonelyone

[Simon Phoenix]

However you characterize it it's not moving anywhere. It's stagnant. And while you might not think of her as a friend, she thinks of you as a friend and has put you in her friendzone. And since you continue to engage her, there's no reason for her to think that you aren't her friend.

 

Either way, all of that flirty talk means zero. The more you describe this interaction, the less significant and more superfluous this flirting is. And you just have to keep meeting women -- you need to stop allowing this particular woman to circle back and do whatever she chooses. You need to cut that off. That means no more flirty texts -- it's been shown that they don't result in s--t besides you overanalyzing and getting stuck on them. But yeah, keep online dating, keep going places (bars, parks, beaches, gyms, whereever) to meet people in person, just stop engaging this woman who has no real romantic interest in you.

[Mrlonelyone]

However you characterize it it's not moving anywhere. It's stagnant. And while you might not think of her as a friend, she thinks of you as a friend and has put you in her friendzone. And since you continue to engage her, there's no reason for her to think that you aren't her friend.

 

Either way, all of that flirty talk means zero. The more you describe this interaction, the less significant and more superfluous this flirting is. And you just have to keep meeting women -- you need to stop allowing this particular woman to circle back and do whatever she chooses. You need to cut that off. That means no more flirty texts -- it's been shown that they don't result in s--t besides you overanalyzing and getting stuck on them. But yeah, keep online dating, keep going places (bars, parks, beaches, gyms, whereever) to meet people in person, just stop engaging this woman who has no real romantic interest in you.

 

Simon where you loose me is when you start trying to predict what someone you have never met "thinks of me as" etc.

 

You hit the nail on the head with everything else. Right now she seems to get whatever it is she gets out of contacting me then she bugs out when I actually reply. What do I get out of it, a day or a week of nice phone firlting/phone sex and two weeks of confusion.

 

At best what would she do, based on her history? eh. Suppose we did "get back together" It would be the same UPS and downs that I described in the thread I linked to from a ways back.

 

As I said. I am going NC working on my own life (and doing quite well actually but for this one aspect of my life). Right now if I had a good steady reliable SO I would have all the big issues figured out.

[Simon Phoenix]

Simon where you loose me is when you start trying to predict what someone you have never met "thinks of me as" etc.

 

You hit the nail on the head with everything else. Right now she seems to get whatever it is she gets out of contacting me then she bugs out when I actually reply. What do I get out of it, a day or a week of nice phone firlting/phone sex and two weeks of confusion.

 

At best what would she do, based on her history? eh. Suppose we did "get back together" It would be the same UPS and downs that I described in the thread I linked to from a ways back.

 

As I said. I am going NC working on my own life (and doing quite well actually but for this one aspect of my life). Right now if I had a good steady reliable SO I would have all the big issues figured out.

 

I don't need to know her personally to know that she personally sees you as a friend. She doesn't act like an appropriate friend, but that doesn't mean that she doesn't regard you as one. Either way, you need to stop getting distracted by that. Whether she's friend, foe, acquaintance, psychotic, whatever, the result is the same.

 

You seem to get easily distracted by outside noise, which is maybe why you keep getting stuck on this woman when she throws breadcrumbs to you. And you need to figure out your issues before you get your SO. If you are looking for a romantic partner to figure things out for you, that's not a very good solution.

[Mrlonelyone]

I don't need to know her personally to know that she personally sees you as a friend. She doesn't act like an appropriate friend, but that doesn't mean that she doesn't regard you as one. Either way, you need to stop getting distracted by that. Whether she's friend, foe, acquaintance, psychotic, whatever, the result is the same.

 

You seem to get easily distracted by outside noise, which is maybe why you keep getting stuck on this woman when she throws breadcrumbs to you. And you need to figure out your issues before you get your SO. If you are looking for a romantic partner to figure things out for you, that's not a very good solution.

 

Now you know that I get distracted by outside noise? Eh. lol lulz.

[Simon Phoenix]

Now you know that I get distracted by outside noise? Eh. lol lulz.

 

Based on the information I have been given, yes.

[Mrlonelyone]

Based on the information I have been given, yes.

 

Dude I just do what everyone does with a board like this. I take the advice that fits the situation best. That does not make me "distracted".