Don't you think I'd be over him by now???

[whycan'tigetoverhim]

[color=indigo][/color]

Ok, can someone please help me???

 

So I was best friends with this guy...then I wanted more. Turned out, he did too....cut to- 4 years and 1 month later and into the relationship he dumps me saying "its not fun anymore, there's no spark." He says he HAS to still be my best friend and always know what's going on in my life. I tell him, of course that's not going to happen, I'm heartbroken, I need to cut off contact and get over him, blah, blah - you all know how that goes.... So we go for a month or so without contact, then I break down and call him - we see eachother, only to have me crying and begging him to come back. I try another month or so with no contact. I'm still missing him the whole entire time. The same thing happens when we try to meet....he moves away for 6 months and we speak a few times on the phone. Once he tells me how when he was drunk he was apparently talking about me all night to some other girl. He does not hook up with anyone else in this 6 months and neither do I. So now he's back and he wants to see me. He asked me if I am over him yet and I tell him the truth - No!! I still love him. He tells me he's UPSET w/ me b/c I had this 6 months to get over him and it didn't work - that he wants to hang out as friends and I need to just get over him so that can happen!!! He says he can't go w/out me in his life - that he HAS to know how I'm doing, etc. but I need to stop trying to get him back b/c its not going to happen, that he's over me and just wants to hang out as friends.

 

So obviously I know I shouldn't be talking to him so that I can move on...but its been almost a year now since we broke up and I can go for a month or so w/out talking to him but I ALWAYS break down and call him, ALWAYS. What the hell is wrong with me??? Does he seriously think that I can just turn off the feelings and hang out as friends? If that were possible, don't you think I would have done that already?????

 

What do I do???? He wants to have dinner tonight - knowing I still love him and he thinks I'm his pal... I know I shouldn't but I haven't seen him in 6 months!!! Why aren't I over him already???

 

Someone please help me!

[SinceIvebeenlovingU]

End this crazyiness..why ...you don't owe him anything...if he has no feelings for you...don't let him drag you as his friend...let him go...and move on...without him...forget him...he was a chapter in your life...and now u need to move forward...the end

[whycan'tigetoverhim]

yeah, I know that's what I NEED to do. What I need help with is the HOW??? I do want to get over him and move on, I just can't seem to figure out how!!!

[eastern_mystique]

He tells me he's UPSET w/ me b/c I had this 6 months to get over him and it didn't work - that he wants to hang out as friends and I need to just get over him so that can happen!!!

 

 

What a selfish moron! What the hell is wrong with him??!

 

I'm sorry darling, you're not gonna want to hear this, but .....you have to cut off all contact with him. Totally. Completely.

 

You're not over him because you're in love with him and that doesn't go away easily.

 

It is impossible to be friends with an ex if there are still feelings. I'm learning this in my own situation now. I'm pretty much on the verge of telling my ex that either he gives me a 2nd chance - just one more try to make things right with us - or that it's over completely - we become nothing. I never speak to him again. Never see him again. Nothing.

 

Yesterday he told me "I can't imagine us losing touch" (we're going to university in Sept, ironically in the same city). I said "we'll see". He takes me for granted, thinking I'm always gonna be there whenever he wants, in his back pocket. Sounds like your ex is doing the same - he still wants you around because you fill that emotional space in his life, not caring what it's doing to you. The fact that he got drunk and spent the whole night talking to some other girl about you perhaps suggests theres something there, but he doesn't want to act on it.

 

Seriously - cut him off. Once he's deprived of your company irretrievably, it may start to hit him what he's lost. Maybe not straight away, but one day. In the meantime, you can move forward. He may come back, he may not. No one on here can say with absolute authority that he will or won't. But its clear that at this moment in time that he's like a vampire, feeding off your feelings for him.

 

As for how to get over him......that's the million dollar question, isn't it? I wish I knew.....Time? Meeting new people? Keeping busy? Maybe a combination of all those things?

 

I'm so sorry that you're feeling like this and really hope things get better. Let us know if things change.

[Marshbear]

There will always be a part of you that will miss him. You have to accept that because you felt for the guy and wanted him in your life. All you can do is go on with your life without him and that means no friendship also. He is being selfish if he can't let you go to the next phase of you life.

 

You need to discuss the hurt with someone and get out the feelings to heal. As you go day by day you will feel better about your life and being without him. Sometimes even a year isn't enough if you really felt deeply for him. It might take another year or more. You just need to continue with you life and sooner or later you will find someone who you can love again and you will forget him.

 

 

Good luck....

[whycan'tigetoverhim]

thank you so, so much for your advice.

 

It's is just so confusing - when other people in life treat me badly, I can easily write them off and get over it - but why can't I do that with him? I realize he's a selfish moron, but what does that make me for wanting to be with him?

[whycan'tigetoverhim]

The following poem is one that my Grandmother has had on her fridge since I was a little girl. It never really made sense to me until now. If only, it would sink into my brain!!!??

 

 

"After a While"

 

After a while you learn

the subtle difference between

holding a hand and chaining a soul

and you learn

that love doesn't mean leaning

and company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn

that kisses aren't contracts

and presents aren't promises

and you begin to accept your defeats

with your head up and your eyes ahead

with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child

and you learn

to build all your roads on today

because tomorrow's ground is

too uncertain for plans

and futures have a way of falling down

in mid-flight.

After a while you learn

that even sunshine burns

if you get too much

so you plant your own garden

and decorate your own soul

instead of waiting for someone

to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure

you really are strong

you really do have worth

and you learn

and you learn

with every goodbye, you learn...

© 1971 Veronica A. Shoffstall

[blakharte]

Yep, he is a selfish moron.

It will be difficult but you can do it. Cut off all contact. Everything....and never forget that even if and when you do, it will still hurt like hell....but you will survive. You have to and it will make you stronger...guaranteed. The first thing is to leave him alone...cut him off. Tear down your shrine to him. What I mean is you obviously have some things that either he gave you or that you two shared together that help you remember. I'm not saying throw them away but take down the pictures and hide the keepsakes from yourself. Put them somewhere where it will take you sometime to reach them. Better yet, give them to a friend to keep. They will know when to return your property. Ignore his phone calls. Block or restrict them if you have to. Tell him you are doing this and why. Let that be the last time you speak to him until YOU are ready.

 

Good luck. You'll need it.

[whycan'tigetoverhim]

So I guess that means I should forego the dinner. I thought maybe after all this time, when he saw me he'd realize he's a moron....what about 1 last chance???

[blackendangel13]

He will never realize he is being a moron as long as he has you giving him these last chances. Let it go, let him go. I know this isn't encouraging. I am in the same boat myself. My ex won't leave me alone. Every few months or so he writes me trying to string me along as his friend. More often than not, I don't respond. Everytime I do I hurt and I know this. But I think maybe this time it will be different. It never is. Don't get discouraged that your feelings for him haven't gone away. They will. Its very disheartening, but its kind of a saying that it takes as long as you were with someone to get over them. Not reassuring for us huh? But either way, stop seeing him as best you can. You seem to know you are only hurting yourself when you do. Thats at least a start. Try to be strong.

[whycan'tigetoverhim]

Thank you!! I am trying so hard to be strong! It doesn't help that I am new to this area and don't really know anyone. I work with all older people and am having a hard time meeting anyone - let alone a new guy. It's is so much harder to meet people when you aren't in school or working with people your own age! Any advice?

[blackendangel13]

I know this sounds kind of corny, but there are numerous organizations that put on single's activities, and not all of these are for "hooking up". I am a music fan and go out to shows by myself all the time. You know what you could also do. Go to a college and ask someone if they have time to show you around. Eventhough you are not able to go you can still meet like minded people. Colleges have recruitment activities and stuff like that all the time. Just look in a local paper and find things that interest you and places where you can meet people that are into the same things as you. It will be hard at first, but eventually good things will come of it.