i need help 911

[torn&confused]

I have been married 9 yrs and I think my {know} husband is doing every thing that he can to make me want to leave him. But is does it nicely. I will try to explain, he does not call me names, yell at me, he gives me hugs and kisses. But he is always finding something to do to keep him busy. Yard wk on the computer playing games, playing his drum, guitar. We use to watch tv together or all he would do is watch tv now he wont even sit still long enough to spend any time with each other. He will take the kids out and let them ride the dirt bike {9 and 6 yrs old } I cant get mad at him because he is not being mean but I told him that he was acting that way he said sorry but then the very next day he fooled around outside all day with the car, from 10am until 7or 8pm. He would come in and use bathroom get him something to drink use the computer look up parts or play a game. He would come inside and give me a kiss. I dont wk Because of babysitter reasons and we had 2 cars but my husband got in a wreak ins. gave us 1500.00 for the car but we havent found one yet so he took my car 2 mths ago so all I do is sit here wait for the kids to come hm and him to come hm. He stared taking night classes after wk 3 days a week Mon 430 to 530 tues 630pm to 730pm and thur 4 to 5pm. He when he is hm is like I said outside really all day long. And the kids are outside playing with there friends he is out there to but he always send them in to me if they ask something or need something, he wont even give them a bath.

Last thur after his class he got hm 630 to 7pm, we sat down to eat and I ask him if he could help our son with a project that was due the next day. He is more creative than me. He said ok. After he got done eating he went to take a bath and took my daughters tv dvd player and a movie and went in the bathroom to take a bath. When he got done hr later he went and got on computer to wk on his project for his computer class that wasnt due untill monday. 845pm I put the kids to bed and wrote is teacher a note saying that our son would turn his in on monday and went right back to the computer and went to bed after that. he doesnt hold me anymore in bed. I dont know what to do. I love him very much i have been with him since I was 14 im 24 now, he is all i know and all i want but i just know that he doesnt love me anymore but he wont end it. he is waiting for me to so nobody can say it was his fault. please help me asap

torn&confuse... It would be nice to hear from a guy to get a guys veiw of things

[westernxer]

Ever think about getting some counseling?

[jmargel]

This one is a pretty textbook case of "Not nipping this now will result in a divorce later". It basicaslly comes down to communication issues. He's a person that likes to keep busy while you are content not to. He's not keeping busy to hurt you or try to push you away. He's doing it because perhaps he feels he's not wanted enough by YOU. However you feel the same way so you keep yourself distanced.

 

Marriage counseling is a good suggestion and I would ask him to see one if I were you. Tell him it's not because either of you are bad or not right for each other, just that you feel things are in a rut and you want to learn how to liven up the marriage.

 

Him curling upto you. Well, have you done that to him? All I see is what he's doing wrong, I haven't heard a word on what you think you are doing wrong. Be honest with yourself about this too.

 

Another thing that pops into my mind is that you two are comfortable with each other to the point of taking each other for granted. You'll always be there and he'll always be there. It's the same old, same old. When I married my wife I told her even though we are living together and see each other everyday, we need to go out on a date at least once a week. The reason why you two married each other is because of the good things each possess. You two are not showing each other this.

 

Also check my link, it may help you as well.

[Debster]

IMO, I think it comes down to more to the fact that:

1) You're bored and unable to get out of the house (due to no car)

2) You're lonely

3) You want to spend time with your husband

4) You take his staying busy with the car/kids/etc. as a way to get out of spending time with you

5) You want your husband to want to spend time with you.

6) You want to reconnect with your husband.

 

My advice: sometimes men just don't get it.

He probably has no idea this is what you are feeling and no idea that he is sending you this message. So, change it. How? By saying - "Honey, can we do this (go out for dinner, have a chat, play a game, a hobby). I would like to spend some time together as a couple" That way you're not saying you don't (so he won't get offended) and you're still getting what you want (to get out of the house, spend time with your husband and rebuild your relationship).

[yuv]

Oops Debster, you misspelled "people" as "men!" Might want to fix that! Too funny. Tell him what you want, because "men" don't get it without communication. Hee hee! (Anybody want to explain the problems with the whole mind reading issue?)

 

I agree with jmargel that you both apparently don't feel wanted by the other. Wait, that can't be it! After all, you told us that you do want him, and want to spend time with him! Here's the problem as I see it... you only feel loved when your spouse spends time with you. He feels loved... When? Ask him. What makes him feel MOST loved? It's obvious that it's not time spent together, so is it sex? Does he feel loved when you offer words of encouragement? Give him little gifts? Do things for him? I'm going to suggest (suppress the groan, please) reading "The Five Language of Love" and finding a way to reconnect with him.

 

Agreed that counseling might help.

[Debster]

Actually yuv, I did mean men, not people.

And it is actually a quote from my husband.