Why won't xMM let me go?

[Sassy Girl]

I did continue speaking with him after D Day.

 

But one has to START, right? We said goodbye almost two months ago. I thought we mutually agreed to start then. He has broken the agreement since then twice now, while I haven't at all. So at what point do I start getting any credit for being on the side of my marriage? I have not chosen him since the goodbye.

 

But you continue to protect him by deceiving your husband. And his wife. There are no consequences for him. You're not going to tell your husband the truth, and you're not telling OBS, even though she deserves to know. So what's he got to lose?

 

You made him believe this behaviour is OK. He knows Yu have as much to lose if the continued contact comes to light. Ballsy, isn't he?

[jwi71]

I know I don't have to defend myself to strangers on the internet, but I feel so strongly about this, and finally been making RIGHT decisions, that I am going to here.

 

What right decisions would those be?

Do you mind sharing?

(please dont lose sight of the fact that we WANT YOU TO SUCCEED - even if what we say/think/suggest seems otherwise)

 

I really thought that he would just let me be. I really did. I suppose if he refuses I will have to bring my husband into it and this will turn into a big freaking mess again.

 

Its ALREADY a mess - your H just doesn't know it because you have being feeding him an edited version. (unless you came clean - which you didn't because then this post would be VERY different)

 

 

Your comments about my 'lack of actions' kind of get my hackles up, because after all this time, I have finally taken action. We had the goodbye conversation. I have not broken NC once. HE has and I've blocked him. I disappeared this last time and now here he is again. I am the only one taking right action.

 

As you have read...other MM have reached out for years after the fact. You can't control that. You can only deal with the aftermath. What aftermaths are you choosing?

 

Sure, I guess there is a part of me that has always wanted to understand the 'why' of things, understand his motivations, even though it is done and I want it that way. And me stating anything about how he never offered me a real relationship was just to make a point - I don't even want one from him. It's over. That's a good thing and the way it should be. It's just ironic that he keeps showing up. Like, is it really just for sex and he's trying to pass it off as something more? I just shake my head.

 

Just so you know...this post is the point of MM's contact. He wants you thinking about him - the A and all the good stuff about the A. He wants you to reach out. His plan is working brilliantly IMO. You are thinking about him. In time, you'll "convince yourself" that yet another conversation is needed to bury this....and slowly the lies and deceit of your H will again begin to ramp up again.

 

I don't know if you're trying to use reverse psychology on me or what. But I am done with the affair.

 

No you're not. No, not in the sense of you wanting to reignite the A - but in the sense of this A STILL affects you. Witness this post. Witness this angst.

Witness the thoughts and energy you give to MM.

 

Non-preachy solution: Tell your H the unabridged truth. Then face this together. And, I'm willing to bet, MM goes away. Until them, you permit MM to have this power over you, your H and your family.

[sandylee1]

I know I don't have to defend myself to strangers on the internet, but I feel so strongly about this, and finally been making RIGHT decisions, that I am going to here.

 

I really thought that he would just let me be. I really did. I suppose if he refuses I will have to bring my husband into it and this will turn into a big freaking mess again.

 

Your comments about my 'lack of actions' kind of get my hackles up, because after all this time, I have finally taken action. We had the goodbye conversation. I have not broken NC once. HE has and I've blocked him. I disappeared this last time and now here he is again. I am the only one taking right action.

 

Sure, I guess there is a part of me that has always wanted to understand the 'why' of things, understand his motivations, even though it is done and I want it that way. And me stating anything about how he never offered me a real relationship was just to make a point - I don't even want one from him. It's over. That's a good thing and the way it should be. It's just ironic that he keeps showing up. Like, is it really just for sex and he's trying to pass it off as something more? I just shake my head.

 

I don't know if you're trying to use reverse psychology on me or what. But I am done with the affair.

 

Quite often an agreement of reconciliation is NC and that involves telling your H the OM tries to contact you. I think you should do that now. Part of the problem here is his wife wasn't told about the affair, so he just keeps on trying.

[Southern Sun]

Because all men ever want from women is sex. Is that what you're saying?

 

I am wondering this. Could they legitimately want something other than sex? I suppose so. But I'm not so sure about my xMM. The truth is, the last time he broke NC, he really did proposition me. It was so cliche'. It kind of shocks me that he felt it was even okay to do, in light of everything that had transpired.

 

In my case, it doesn't matter anyway. Whatever he might want is still no good for me, my family, and our healing. I literally can't think of one thing that would be good or helpful to me.

[Sassy Girl]

To add: all this drama and secrets from your husband is sabotaging true reconciliation. You still share secrets. The only way for you to truly change this if you want, is tell your husband so you can tackle this as a team.

 

MMs power is in the secrecy that you share. Take it away.

[Southern Sun]

But you continue to protect him by deceiving your husband. And his wife. There are no consequences for him. You're not going to tell your husband the truth, and you're not telling OBS, even though she deserves to know. So what's he got to lose?

 

You made him believe this behaviour is OK. He knows Yu have as much to lose if the continued contact comes to light. Ballsy, isn't he?

 

Yes, yes he is. He could be forcing a big change here.

[Sassy Girl]

Yes, yes he is. He could be forcing a big change here.

 

Aren't you exhausted keeping all these secrets?

[Southern Sun]

To add: all this drama and secrets from your husband is sabotaging true reconciliation. You still share secrets. The only way for you to truly change this if you want, is tell your husband so you can tackle this as a team.

 

MMs power is in the secrecy that you share. Take it away.

 

I agree with you. I am upset because I thought I HAD taken away that power by shutting down his access to me through the secret email account. He asked me to keep it open 'just in case', but I closed it. Now he's still finding these ways to get to me. It's making me so mad. I don't want this anymore. Every time I think I've gotten away from him, he pops back in somehow. I am so very tired of it.

[Sassy Girl]

I agree with you. I am upset because I thought I HAD taken away that power by shutting down his access to me through the secret email account. He asked me to keep it open 'just in case', but I closed it. Now he's still finding these ways to get to me. It's making me so mad. I don't want this anymore. Every time I think I've gotten away from him, he pops back in somehow. I am so very tired of it.

 

Looks like we cross posted.

 

I think you know what you have to do to fix this. I know it's really scary. It could also be really freeing. You can start building on this to become the person you really want to be. And you will be living authentically.

 

Instead of waiting for it to all blow up again.

 

What do you really want, not just for your marriage, but also for yourself?

[Grapesofwrath]

Well you both are married so that's double the hurdle.

He is just hoping that you'll cave and go back to how it was.

 

And wouldn't that be the biggest ego boost of all? If you betrayed your husband AGAIn? In his mind, it would prove his supremacy. Please don't let him have this satisfaction. He does not have your best interests in mind. I don't think he has anyone's best interests in mind, not even his own.

[Southern Sun]

Looks like we cross posted.

 

I think you know what you have to do to fix this. I know it's really scary. It could also be really freeing. You can start building on this to become the person you really want to be. And you will be living authentically.

 

Instead of waiting for it to all blow up again.

 

What do you really want, not just for your marriage, but also for yourself?

 

I know exactly what I want - to live transparently and wholeheartedly.

 

I was already done with keeping secrets. I feel like HE burdens me with new ones, that I am not the one creating them. That's what makes me angry. I keep shutting down paths and he keeps worming his way in. He is very persistent, always has been. But what I don't get is - he supposedly agrees that we have to be over. In fact, he is the one that started trying to end this months and months ago, when HE almost got caught. He has messed with me for so long. Now, when I am finally breaking free, he is waffling. Let me go, already!

 

I just wanted to do this quietly, dammit. I am so, so tired. I was already being authentic. I don't want him dragging me back down to the pit. I just can't believe he is not going to let me walk. I guess I am going to have to do this differently.

[Sassy Girl]

I know exactly what I want - to live transparently and wholeheartedly.

 

I was already done with keeping secrets. I feel like HE burdens me with new ones, that I am not the one creating them. That's what makes me angry. I keep shutting down paths and he keeps worming his way in. He is very persistent, always has been. But what I don't get is - he supposedly agrees that we have to be over. In fact, he is the one that started trying to end this months and months ago, when HE almost got caught. He has messed with me for so long. Now, when I am finally breaking free, he is waffling. Let me go, alread

 

Gently, no you weren't because you were still holding onto some.

 

I just wanted to do this quietly, dammit. I am so, so tired. I was already being authentic. I don't want him dragging me back down to the pit. I just can't believe he is not going to let me walk. I guess I am going to have to do this differently.

 

Again, no, you weren't. You know keeping secrets during reconciliation was not living authentically or transparently. YOU KNOW. And the one person you are lying to the most, is yourself.

 

SS you are still IN the pit. With him. Your lies and secrets keep you there. the good news is, YOU have the ability to change this. He doesn't get to control it. Whether you spend he rest of your life there is up to you. I'm trying to support you, but if you continue down this path then the hell you live is of your own choosing. You know how to fix it.

[Artie Lang]

you really should tell your husband about his(OM) attempts at contact. you owe it your husband and yourself to start being TOTALLY honest about things, especially this guy's fishing attempts.

 

 

you and your husband should form a united front and send this guy a NC letter, if you haven't already, to make it clear you want nothing further from him and steps will be taken if he persists(RO). if you do this, you will show your husband that you are serious about your marriage and want nobody else but him. it would be a tremendous step in your reconciliation effort.

 

 

if you don't, you're just reverting to past "cheating" spouse behavior by keeping secrets from him.

Edited April 27, 2015 by Artie Lang

[Blu72]

Southern,

 

I get that you just don't want to cause any more drama and you think it's best to deal with this on your own, BUT how many times will it take for him to try to break NC before you make it completely clear you are finished? He WILL keep this up because he is selfish and apparently didn't take you seriously. I'm the last person who can give you advice on NC, but if you really truly want him gone and to move on than either you tell your husband or you threaten to tell his wife if he keeps it up.

[jen1447]

I agree that confessing to the affair to your H is the best way to go, but I'll leave that to others to convince you of.

 

In the meantime, the problem with getting this guy to leave you alone as I see it is that he still has his hooks in you. Solve that, and then the actual stopping him re-contacting you will be easy. But as long as he's inside you emotionally, it'll be virtually impossible, because on some level you still want it to happen. I'm not accusing you of being untruthful here at all with what you say you want, but unfortunately, for all of us, what we say we want intellectually and what we say we want emotionally aren't always in agreement.

[awkward]

He does not respect your marriage. If he hought his BW was going to find out, he would be gone. He cares about himself.

 

Let him know if he breaks nc again that you will talk to his wife.

 

Any dishonesty with your husband now seriously jeopardizes your marriage. Tell him MM broke NC!

[DKT3]

I agree that confessing to the affair to your H is the best way to go, but I'll leave that to others to convince you of.

 

In the meantime, the problem with getting this guy to leave you alone as I see it is that he still has his hooks in you. Solve that, and then the actual stopping him re-contacting you will be easy. But as long as he's inside you emotionally, it'll be virtually impossible, because on some level you still want it to happen. I'm not accusing you of being untruthful here at all with what you say you want, but unfortunately, for all of us, what we say we want intellectually and what we say we want emotionally aren't always in agreement.

 

Her husband knows about the affair, he doesn't know that she maintained contact and this other guy continues to contact her.

 

I also believe that she refuses to totally cut ties. Keeping his contact secret from her husband is a way to keep it going even if just slightly. Telling her husband and his wife would most likely end him contacting her, if that's what she wants.

[jwi71]

I know exactly what I want - to live transparently and wholeheartedly.

 

So why aren't you?

 

I was already done with keeping secrets. I feel like HE burdens me with new ones, that I am not the one creating them. That's what makes me angry. I keep shutting down paths and he keeps worming his way in. He is very persistent, always has been. But what I don't get is - he supposedly agrees that we have to be over. In fact, he is the one that started trying to end this months and months ago, when HE almost got caught. He has messed with me for so long. Now, when I am finally breaking free, he is waffling. Let me go, already!

 

What you don't get is how you keep this A alive. The only one to blame is you. His goal is to take the A deeper underground. And you are obliging him.

Witness this post and your focus - MOM. All those thoughts on him. Dissecting who said what when and in what order.

 

I just wanted to do this quietly, dammit. I am so, so tired. I was already being authentic.

 

What does this mean and to whom are you being "authentic"?

 

I don't want him dragging me back down to the pit. I just can't believe he is not going to let me walk. I guess I am going to have to do this differently.

 

Still blaming him huh. He wont let you walk. He wont stop emailing these super secret email accounts he cant possibly know I have. He MAKES me think of him. Its all _his_ fault.

 

I wont be terribly repetitious but you are certainly giving this MOM plenty of energy. Lots of thoughts.

 

I wonder if this would be easier had you voluntarily ended the A instead of being caught. Any thoughts there?

[whichwayisup]

Her husband knows about the affair, he doesn't know that she maintained contact and this other guy continues to contact her.

 

I also believe that she refuses to totally cut ties. Keeping his contact secret from her husband is a way to keep it going even if just slightly. Telling her husband and his wife would most likely end him contacting her, if that's what she wants.

 

Come clean with your husband and send exMM one final note, that your husband is aware of the contact and it must stop immediately, if he ever reaches out to you again, both you and your husband will go talk to his wife face to face with evidence of the ended affair and evidence of exMM breaking contact over and over again.

 

There's no reason for you to lie and hide this from your husband. Own your part in it, that you allowed some contact to continue then you changed your mind , did NC again and exMM is constantly breaking NC. Enough is enough! If you don't want to get sucked back in, be strong, take back your power and involve your husband. Even though your H may be upset/pissed at you, at least he'll see that you want exMM to just F-off out of your life so you can focus on healing and reconnecting/fixing stuff at home.

[Hope Shimmers]

I agree that intellectual and emotional mindset may be very different.

 

I also know how hard it is to get to the point where you just don't give a damn about ex-MM.

 

I think Southern is moving in the right direction as best as can be expected. I would tend to think that telling her H about the contact would be best, but I'm not sure I believe her reasons are that she wants to keep the A alive.

[GirlStillStrong]

My understanding of why they do this is because they do not care what is good or best for you, regardless of what they say, what they buy you, or how they "prove" their love. You are rather like a hobby, a distraction, for them. It is best not to attribute your own inner experiences and feelings to their motivations. Think of them like an alien, or another species, with different motivations than you. You cannot understand him and trying to only keeps you stuck in HIS game. Stop having conversations with him, refuse his advances, and hopefully the annoying MF will go away so that you can find a good man with whom you can potentially have a complete and fulfilling relationship.

[GoldieLox]

Come clean with your husband and send exMM one final note, that your husband is aware of the contact and it must stop immediately, if he ever reaches out to you again, both you and your husband will go talk to his wife face to face with evidence of the ended affair and evidence of exMM breaking contact over and over again.

 

It really is that simple. It may not be EASY for you to do, but it's simple enough to send a 4-line email stating this. You already got over the hard part, Southern. Your husband already knows about the affair. I'm not trying to sound accusatory in any way, but I must ask... what keeps you from doing what WWIU (and many others) have stated? It's the only way to get xMM out of your life, which is what you state you want.

[GirlStillStrong]

I agree with you. I am upset because I thought I HAD taken away that power by shutting down his access to me through the secret email account. He asked me to keep it open 'just in case', but I closed it. Now he's still finding these ways to get to me. It's making me so mad. I don't want this anymore. Every time I think I've gotten away from him, he pops back in somehow. I am so very tired of it.

As long as you are reacting to him emotionally, he has you. Doesn't matter what the emotion is. You are letting him keep his hold on you. Practice inhibiting your emotional response. Do not feed it. Stop trying to figure out WHY he is doing anything; that keeps you trapped. Treat his advances like you do junk mail or spam. Because that's EXACTLY what they are! Disengage completely.

 

And yes, this is a process. You're not perfect. You're doing great!! Just keep in mind how much of your life he has already wasted; don't let him waste any more of your time.

[Southern Sun]

It really is that simple. It may not be EASY for you to do, but it's simple enough to send a 4-line email stating this. You already got over the hard part, Southern. Your husband already knows about the affair. I'm not trying to sound accusatory in any way, but I must ask... what keeps you from doing what WWIU (and many others) have stated? It's the only way to get xMM out of your life, which is what you state you want.

 

I don't know exactly. I can't explain where the feeling comes from, but I know it's wrapped up in the toxicity of our relationship - I've always been kind of intimidated by MM, a little scared of him. It's fear that holds me back. I can see that this isn't so logical anymore, but it still exists. I dug my own grave by allowing some contact to continue after D Day, which my H doesn't know about. I am scared by bringing this ongoing breaking of NC to my H now, that somehow he will find out about that. I've trapped myself.

[jbrent890]

I don't think she wants to keep the affair alive, but I do think she doesn't want to tell her husband because she is scared that he would call it quits. Southern you said it yourself in your previous thread that you are worried that if you told your husband about the emails, he will find out that your affair did not end on D Day. Please be honest here. I'm sure you want to protect your husband, but this is really you protecting yourself. You are so terrified that you are going to end up with nothing, you feel controlling what your husband does or does not know is the best course of action. That mindset is going to screw you over in the end. If your husband finds out about the continued contact or emails from anyone else but you, then you are done. Lastly, I'm sorry to say that this is never going to go away. Whether you reconcile or divorce, both you and your husband will always remember what happened. Your marriage is never going to be what it was. The best that you can hope for is that this is rarely brought up from time to time.