Why won't xMM let me go?

[Southern Sun]

I don't think she wants to keep the affair alive, but I do think she doesn't want to tell her husband because she is scared that he would call it quits. Southern you said it yourself in your previous thread that you are worried that if you told your husband about the emails, he will find out that your affair did not end on D Day. Please be honest here. I'm sure you want to protect your husband, but this is really you protecting yourself. You are so terrified that you are going to end up with nothing, you feel controlling what your husband does or does not know is the best course of action. That mindset is going to screw you over in the end. If your husband finds out about the continued contact or emails from anyone else but you, then you are done. Lastly, I'm sorry to say that this is never going to go away. Whether you reconcile or divorce, both you and your husband will always remember what happened. Your marriage is never going to be what it was. The best that you can hope for is that this is rarely brought up from time to time.

 

So really, best for me and hubby to just cut our losses, huh, jbrent? Really, according to you, it doesn't matter what I do now. It's too late.

 

By the way, if you didn't read my above post, I was honest.

[whichwayisup]

No, J means (pretty sure) that if your H finds out about the continued contact by someone else, he will be less understanding and the chances are higher that he might walk away from you and the marriage. IF you come clean, be honest and admit that contact continued after D-day, then your H (as upset and angry he will be) will at least respect you for coming clean to him.

 

I don't believe your intention was to continue the actual affair, more like you needed to hear from exMM on occasion to feed your ego and relieve withdrawal from not hearing from as often. Now it's out of control, you want ALL contact to stop and exMM won't leave you alone.

 

You have two options, continue to do everything you can to block and ignore exMM, never reply to any thing he ever sends you again and focus on your husband and marriage, hope that your H doesn't find out on his own...Or you admit it all and take a chance that your H loves you and will forgive you for breaking contact.

[jbrent890]

So really, best for me and hubby to just cut our losses, huh, jbrent? Really, according to you, it doesn't matter what I do now. It's too late.

 

By the way, if you didn't read my above post, I was honest.

 

I never said that you were lying about that. I was disagreeing with the posters saying that you wanted to keep this affair alive. Now allow me to clarify my other post. I'm not telling to you to call it quits. My fear is that you are trying so hard to get your marriage back to what is was before your affair that you are going to sabotage your R. Listen I'm not trying to beat you up or criticize you, but I am going to be honest with you because I think you deserve to know what you are up against. Your marriage is never going to be what it was. Whether you or your husband chooses to end it is up to you guys. I didn't end my marriage. I love my wife and I can't see myself with anyone else, but I will never look at her the way I did before our d day just like a lot of other betrayed don't look at their spouses the same way again. Infedility changes things. However, my wife and I have a strong R going because I think we both accepted that are marriage is different now. Trying to bring back to what is was might have hurt us in the end. Now I have a feeling you want to say that everybody's R is different and that there is no one size fits all, but IMO, I don't think that is the case. Like I said in your previous thread, the marriages that survived this are the ones in which the wayward put everything on the line. They didnt lie; omit; and when the topic of divorce came up, they offered to not take a cent if that was the chosen decision. They were all prepared to lose their spouses in order to save their marriages. You said in your last thread that you were prepared to do this as well, but your actions and words as of late prove otherwise. I get it, you are scared and you don't want to lose your husband. However, if your marriage ends because of these revelations, then it was suppossed to end. That is the chance you have to take.

[Hope Shimmers]

He is still trying 5 years later and you literally never give him anything? Oh, good grief.

 

Southern, I'm done. It is way too little and way too late for him.

 

I literally never think about him anymore, and that is an amazing place to be.

[carhill]

Ideas? I mean, I'm thinking - this needs to be over, talking to you or seeing you doesn't help it be over, so I'm not going to do that. What am I missing? Could he just miss me? Is he hoping for sex? What the heck? What goes on in the minds of these men?

 

Terminate all e-mails and post new ones to your contacts. This happens all the time in business. Change your phone number. You can't control anyone but yourself.

 

I join others in the suggestion of being transparent with your husband. If your M is going to make it, it will be because you work as a team and team members are straight up with each other.

 

If you need help with the 'why's', a professional counselor can help you work through that part. The work is getting to acceptance, where 'why' is no longer a question of relevance.

 

You've got a spouse who's still there and, yup, I concur with the member that suggested your M will forever be different and new. Make the most of it. You only get one life. Good luck!

[the_artist_1970]

He didn't say. He just asked if I would call him. He's always vague, which is something I have ALWAYS hated. I almost think he does it on purpose to get me to respond.

 

If you are really trying to rebuild with your DH, why haven't you told him about this contact? When you truly rebuild after an A, there has to be no more secrets period. You are still living a double life by not telling your DH about the contact and you two are not a united front in the M. Hiding things of this nature is how you got into the A in the first place. MM knows this and he knows that you wont tell your DH or his W that is why he still contact you. He knows that you will continue to keep his dirty little secrets and one day will yet again become his dirty little secret.

[FusionCutter]

It is not that your MM won't let you go; rather it is you that won't let go of the MM.

[sandylee1]

Block him again from your regular email address. He'll soon (hopefully ) get the message. Nothing worse than ignoring him.

 

Focus on your M. Does your H not have access to your emails? Could he have seen this email?

[Southern Sun]

Block him again from your regular email address. He'll soon (hopefully ) get the message. Nothing worse than ignoring him.

 

Focus on your M. Does your H not have access to your emails? Could he have seen this email?

 

I've blocked him from this one now. My H has access to everything. I have no passwords on my phone, etc. Anything that requires a password, my H has. He certainly could have seen this email.

 

Those of you claiming that it's ME who wants this to continue, please, just stop. I'm exhausted by this. I've been trying to claw my way out for so long. You really have no idea. And you don't realize the position I am in, how emotional and volatile my H has been. For those of you who think I am trying to control my husband and prevent him from leaving me...I could be wrong, but I don't think that would be the outcome if I tell him. I am more fearful of other, worse things happening. And no, I am not protecting xMM. I want my husband safe, my family safe. MM is truly either an idiot or just really arrogant if he does not just disappear.

[Artie Lang]

"I don't think that would be the outcome if I tell him."

 

 

then, tell him.

 

 

if by "worse things happening" you mean some kind of abuse on the part of your husband, then do you really think it's best to stay in such a relationship.

[Southern Sun]

"I don't think that would be the outcome if I tell him."

 

 

then, tell him.

 

 

if by "worse things happening" you mean some kind of abuse on the part of your husband, then do you really think it's best to stay in such a relationship.

 

No, no - I am talking about my H doing something to xMM that could be punishable by law. And this has nothing to do with me protecting xMM.

[whichwayisup]

I've blocked him from this one now. My H has access to everything. I have no passwords on my phone, etc. Anything that requires a password, my H has. He certainly could have seen this email.

But he didn't. He trusted you. Didn't feel the need to check up on you. Show him the email, come clean about continued contact and apologize for not being able to go full on NC, and let him know from now on it is NC for life with exMM.

 

Those of you claiming that it's ME who wants this to continue, please, just stop. I'm exhausted by this. I've been trying to claw my way out for so long. You really have no idea. And you don't realize the position I am in, how emotional and volatile my H has been. For those of you who think I am trying to control my husband and prevent him from leaving me...I could be wrong, but I don't think that would be the outcome if I tell him. I am more fearful of other, worse things happening. And no, I am not protecting xMM. I want my husband safe, my family safe. MM is truly either an idiot or just really arrogant if he does not just disappear.

 

Sadly and I say this respectfully since you know what your H could be capable of, why would you continue the contact after D-day? Put yourself, your family at risk?

 

Who cares about your exMM. He's nothing now. Forget him and NEVER EVER reply to any message that he may send to you from now on.

[Sassy Girl]

But he didn't. He trusted you. Didn't feel the need to check up on you. Show him the email, come clean about continued contact and apologize for not being able to go full on NC, and let him know from now on it is NC for life with exMM.

 

 

 

Sadly and I say this respectfully since you know what your H could be capable of, why would you continue the contact after D-day? Put yourself, your family at risk?

 

Who cares about your exMM. He's nothing now. Forget him and NEVER EVER reply to any message that he may send to you from now on.

 

Yep. I call BS on the old 'not telling him to save him from himself' routine. If he wanted to hurt AP he would have don't it when he found out He was having sex with his wife.

 

Come on now. You're scraping the bottom of the barrel looking for excuses. Time to put on the big girl panties.

 

Or take him away somewhere for a weekend

And then tell him so he has time to cool down. But stop with the excuses already.

[Artie Lang]

i see.

 

look... for whatever reason, you really don't want to stir up the hornets nest... i get that. the thing is, you're lying by omission. if you really want to live authentically with honesty and transparency, this is the one way you can really do that. stop living with secrets.

 

that's all we're sayin'.

[GypsumSatellite]

You had asked if he could have any reason beyond sex of getting in touch with you. There could have been genuine emotion, sure. Or he doesn't like being rejected. Now, consider if you saying "it's over" and he comes back and then you begin ignoring his advances again progresses further... say one day he leaves you a note on your doorstep or starts trying to get to get your attention after watching you leave the house?

 

Don't imagine that this cannot escalate because it can and does. Send a clear message to your exMM that contact is not acceptable and be upfront to your H before things get even more out of hand than they already are. Tell your story before soemone else has a chance to tell it for you, aka exMM making it appear you've encouraged him somehow just to throw your M in further disrepair.

[Friskyone4u]

Without even reading the entire thread it sounds like you are still lying to your husband after being caught or confessing.

But the answer to your question in the name of your thread is simple and you know the answer.

He won't let you go because he wants to keep the opportunity to put his penis in you again at some time in the future . And it is NOT his responsibility to let you go. It is your responsibility to stop contact with him if you are trying to save your marriage . What you are doing is trying to find excuses to keep In contact and blame poor big bad OM . You are an adult woman and have had men trying to get in your pants since you grew boobs . You know how to stop it and if you do not tell your husband what your still doing you will be right back in bed with OM again.

Put your big girl panties on and face reality. NC means what it says and what OM thinks does not mean ****. He can't have any contact with you if you do not let him

[Blu72]

Southern,

 

I am not going to brow beat you about telling your H about this latest break of NC, because frankly at the end of the day you are going to do whatever regardless of what anyone here says. No one knows the whole story, only bits and pieces you choose to share here. BUT...I do think you need to realize this new turn of events is just more of the same from MM and if you don't turn it up this time and show you mean business with NC and absolutely don't want anything more to do with him he WILL keep it up and turn up the heat if he thinks it's working. Sit and really think about it. Not about the 'why' he comes around - you honestly know the reason for that. Think about the 'how' you are going to handle this latest disregard for your wishes of NC so that he is left with no more delusions that this is INDEED over. Good luck - stay strong.

[Southern Sun]

i see.

 

look... for whatever reason, you really don't want to stir up the hornets nest... i get that. the thing is, you're lying by omission. if you really want to live authentically with honesty and transparency, this is the one way you can really do that. stop living with secrets.

 

that's all we're sayin'.

 

Thank you, Artie.

[Southern Sun]

I saw my IC yesterday. We discussed telling my H and I may still do that. We agreed as far as xMM goes, the best response is no response. My history with him to date has generally been that if he tries to get to me, it works (even if he hasn't gotten 'in my pants') for a very long time now. So I haven't proven to him yet that it won't work. We said goodbye two months ago and I meant it; he apparently he didn't and has been trying to pop in ever since. I have been completely silent for almost 3 weeks now since the last break (and I mistakenly replied) but he will not hear from me this time. This isn't going to work. I really am done with it.

 

IC warned me he may ramp up efforts before giving in. Again, I know it may be right to involve my husband and I am really thinking seriously about the right thing to do. I am trying to block every possible avenue so contact can't happen period.

 

I never, ever want to be in this place again. Ever.

[Blu72]

Can I ask you a question? You said you have been silent for 3 weeks now and I know that's because he broke NC. I don't recall if you ever revealed what transpired during that break in NC. If you did, I apologize for missing it. Was your response to the NC more than just a "please don't contact me, this is still over for me". Was there more 'back and forth' involved than a declarative statement?

[Southern Sun]

Can I ask you a question? You said you have been silent for 3 weeks now and I know that's because he broke NC. I don't recall if you ever revealed what transpired during that break in NC. If you did, I apologize for missing it. Was your response to the NC more than just a "please don't contact me, this is still over for me". Was there more 'back and forth' involved than a declarative statement?

 

He broke NC with a bunch of emotional "missing yous", blah, blah. I responded, against my better judgment. Within 24 hours, I said, let's put this down to a relapse and go back to silence. And then he tricked me into calling him. I can't put down the details here because it would be too revealing. But he got to me with an email that scared me and it worked (and it turned out to be a total bluff). That is when he propositioned me. I wasn't prepared for the call. I didn't tell him off. I didn't say much really. We hung up and that's when I went through and blocked him from the email he had found. Now I realized he found this junk one the other day. I've blocked him there now too and will just shut it down if necessary. So his last experience with me was that call where I was too stunned to be firm with him. But we have also ended it and he keeps showing back up. I know that I am too weak to handle anything else, and that any communication with him allows him to hook me. He knows it too, which is why I am trying a different method. Just disappearing.

[Blu72]

Ok so he scared you with something in the email to get you to call him. You called and found out it was just his way of getting to you. And now he is doing it again. I'm afraid, if he is breaking NC in this way, he will start showing up places. Are you prepared for that?

[DKT3]

He broke NC with a bunch of emotional "missing yous", blah, blah. I responded, against my better judgment. Within 24 hours, I said, let's put this down to a relapse and go back to silence. And then he tricked me into calling him. I can't put down the details here because it would be too revealing. But he got to me with an email that scared me and it worked (and it turned out to be a total bluff). That is when he propositioned me. I wasn't prepared for the call. I didn't tell him off. I didn't say much really. We hung up and that's when I went through and blocked him from the email he had found. Now I realized he found this junk one the other day. I've blocked him there now too and will just shut it down if necessary. So his last experience with me was that call where I was too stunned to be firm with him. But we have also ended it and he keeps showing back up. I know that I am too weak to handle anything else, and that any communication with him allows him to hook me. He knows it too, which is why I am trying a different method. Just disappearing.

 

Let me clear up my point and what I believe many others are saying. I don't believe you want to continue the affair, but I also don't believe you really want him to stop contacting you. I have a good friend who smoked for 20 years, he would always say "I need to stop" but kept on smoking. Then one day he said "I want to stop" and he never smoked again.

 

You don't want this to stop, somehow, someway his continued contact validates this relationship and confirms that he cared or cares that is still very important to you. So you say its the right thing to do, but its not what you want. Once its what you want then you will take the measures to insure that it stops.

 

I think you need to be honest about this, to yourself and work on wanting it over instead of doing the right thing. Its hard to maintain doing the right thing if you want the opposite.

[Hope Shimmers]

Let me clear up my point and what I believe many others are saying. I don't believe you want to continue the affair, but I also don't believe you really want him to stop contacting you. I have a good friend who smoked for 20 years, he would always say "I need to stop" but kept on smoking. Then one day he said "I want to stop" and he never smoked again.

 

You don't want this to stop, somehow, someway his continued contact validates this relationship and confirms that he cared or cares that is still very important to you. So you say its the right thing to do, but its not what you want. Once its what you want then you will take the measures to insure that it stops.

 

I think you need to be honest about this, to yourself and work on wanting it over instead of doing the right thing. Its hard to maintain doing the right thing if you want the opposite.

 

It's hard when you care about somebody to just totally turn your emotions off. Doesn't she get some credit for doing what she can to stop contact? She said she is considering telling her H. She's talking to her IC about it. How many posts of "you don't really want this to stop" are necessary?

[nikki76]

He broke NC with a bunch of emotional "missing yous", blah, blah. I responded, against my better judgment. Within 24 hours, I said, let's put this down to a relapse and go back to silence. And then he tricked me into calling him. I can't put down the details here because it would be too revealing. But he got to me with an email that scared me and it worked (and it turned out to be a total bluff). That is when he propositioned me. I wasn't prepared for the call. I didn't tell him off. I didn't say much really. We hung up and that's when I went through and blocked him from the email he had found. Now I realized he found this junk one the other day. I've blocked him there now too and will just shut it down if necessary. So his last experience with me was that call where I was too stunned to be firm with him. But we have also ended it and he keeps showing back up. I know that I am too weak to handle anything else, and that any communication with him allows him to hook me. He knows it too, which is why I am trying a different method. Just disappearing.

 

He sounds alot like my mm. Everytime I went NC, he would find a way to get ahold of me. Usually I gave in right away. The last time back in December, I just went cold turkey. He text and emailed me everyday. I didnt respond. He did the next best thing and decided to come best buddies with my husband (they are "friends"). Going to lunch, asking H to hang out for drinks (h declined) and texting h almost everyday.

Not because he wanted to get in my pants, but because he knew i wouldn't tell my H. He has complete power over me, and this is what your xmm is doing to. He thinks you will eventually give in, which I ended up doing. Because it is easier to deal with very minimal communication from him, then going NC and dealing with his manipulative behavior. My mm has no intention of hooking up again. Hes just using me for an ego boost. And i feel trapped. I know this is absolutely not the right way, but I'm just hoping this EA will eventually just fade away. He even emailed me one day while in NC saying, i really need to talk to you asap. Lies!!!! If I were to tell my H (same with you), mm would not even think of doing this, hell, he probably wouldn't even exist anymore.

But unfortunately, I honestly think, the only way to get rid of this guy is if you threaten him. Maybe try what someone else suggested, email him, set up a fake one with your H name and CC him on that. See if that makes him disappear. Cause he will not go away if he doesnt feel you will put him in any kind of danger.

 

These men are all the same. And we are the ones that allow them to be.