Why won't xMM let me go?

[Blu72]

Let's not condone making fake emails up in the BS name to get the point across. That would make it worse, IMHO

[lookingforclosure]

Let's not condone making fake emails up in the BS name to get the point across. That would make it worse, IMHO

 

I agree with Blu

[Hope Shimmers]

He sounds alot like my mm. Everytime I went NC, he would find a way to get ahold of me. Usually I gave in right away. The last time back in December, I just went cold turkey. He text and emailed me everyday. I didnt respond. He did the next best thing and decided to come best buddies with my husband (they are "friends"). Going to lunch, asking H to hang out for drinks (h declined) and texting h almost everyday.

Not because he wanted to get in my pants, but because he knew i wouldn't tell my H. He has complete power over me, and this is what your xmm is doing to. He thinks you will eventually give in, which I ended up doing. Because it is easier to deal with very minimal communication from him, then going NC and dealing with his manipulative behavior. My mm has no intention of hooking up again. Hes just using me for an ego boost. And i feel trapped. I know this is absolutely not the right way, but I'm just hoping this EA will eventually just fade away. He even emailed me one day while in NC saying, i really need to talk to you asap. Lies!!!! If I were to tell my H (same with you), mm would not even think of doing this, hell, he probably wouldn't even exist anymore.

But unfortunately, I honestly think, the only way to get rid of this guy is if you threaten him. Maybe try what someone else suggested, email him, set up a fake one with your H name and CC him on that. See if that makes him disappear. Cause he will not go away if he doesnt feel you will put him in any kind of danger.

 

These men are all the same. And we are the ones that allow them to be.

 

Going to the effort to set up fake emails and threatening is just wrong IMO. If you ignore him for long enough, he will either go away or he will continue to beat his head against a brick wall like mine is.

 

Your problem is that you react to his contact which just perpetually feeds it.

[Southern Sun]

DKT, I get what you're saying, and I do think there was a time when I wanted that validation from MM, that he still cared, but I truly don't think that is my motivation anymore. I feel different now. I have gone to great lengths to make sure I don't see his name pop up on anything, anywhere. The only reason I haven't deleted these accounts totally in the last few weeks is because I would have to explain to my H

 

But I've blocked him there, so I guess the only way he could get to me is through some other email address, right? If he resorts to that, I'm going to have to delete them.

 

I've thought about another method...sending him a certified letter with very firm wording. Our goodbye was 'mutual'. So it was friendly, in a way. It was an agreement. I'm starting to think that's not going to work. Hell, he's been expressing a desire to end it for so long, I didn't think he would fight back now. Apparently I was wrong. So I am thinking maybe if I send something that is more of a 'leave me alone and respect my wishes or I will involve H', maybe that could work?

[nikki76]

Going to the effort to set up fake emails and threatening is just wrong IMO. If you ignore him for long enough, he will either go away or he will continue to beat his head against a brick wall like mine is.

 

Your problem is that you react to his contact which just perpetually feeds it.

 

I guess you're right. would probably open up a whole new can of worms.

[Hope Shimmers]

DKT, I get what you're saying, and I do think there was a time when I wanted that validation from MM, that he still cared, but I truly don't think that is my motivation anymore. I feel different now. I have gone to great lengths to make sure I don't see his name pop up on anything, anywhere. The only reason I haven't deleted these accounts totally in the last few weeks is because I would have to explain to my H

 

But I've blocked him there, so I guess the only way he could get to me is through some other email address, right? If he resorts to that, I'm going to have to delete them.

 

I've thought about another method...sending him a certified letter with very firm wording. Our goodbye was 'mutual'. So it was friendly, in a way. It was an agreement. I'm starting to think that's not going to work. Hell, he's been expressing a desire to end it for so long, I didn't think he would fight back now. Apparently I was wrong. So I am thinking maybe if I send something that is more of a 'leave me alone and respect my wishes or I will involve H', maybe that could work?

 

People have said that he wants back in your pants - I disagree and say it's his ego. He didn't want YOU to be the one to finalize the end.

 

A letter is just another form of contact. Ignore him.

[Blu72]

He could show up at your door, anywhere he knows you might be. I wouldn't put it past him if he is now going to the lengths of 'faking' stuff to scare you into calling him. I'm not sure how many emails you have but block him from every last one of them and delete any email accounts that are unnecessary to your everyday life. The smallest number of avenues he has the better. Right now I would just go silent and don't respond. You haven't really tried that yet - you responded before and that's his wormhole back in. Remove his options.

[jbrent890]

It's hard when you care about somebody to just totally turn your emotions off. Doesn't she get some credit for doing what she can to stop contact? She said she is considering telling her H. She's talking to her IC about it. How many posts of "you don't really want this to stop" are necessary?

 

I think that with anything in life, if you have to ask if what you or someone else is doing is good enough, then it usually isn't. Sadly, there have been other posters on here asking the same question when they were being criticized on how they were ending their affairs and some have fallen back into the affairs. I think the question she should always ask herself is "what more can I be doing."

[Clay]

Send him nothing. Any response from you will be seen as a success by him. The more you ignore him and move on with your life the more he will see his efforts have failed.

 

Clay

[Hope Shimmers]

I think that with anything in life, if you have to ask if what you or someone else is doing is good enough, then it usually isn't. Sadly, there have been other posters on here asking the same question when they were being criticized on how they were ending their affairs and some have fallen back into the affairs. I think the question she should always ask herself is "what more can I be doing."

 

It boils down to intent.

 

I don't see SS falling back into the A - that was my point. Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think so. But if she is susceptible to falling back in, nothing she does in terms of reacting or not reacting to ex-MM will make a difference.

[Southern Sun]

I don't want the A. I don't want the A. I don't want the A.

 

I've never been more clear about anything in my life.

 

I will ignore. That will be new for him. Maybe it will work.

[Southern Sun]

People have said that he wants back in your pants - I disagree and say it's his ego. He didn't want YOU to be the one to finalize the end.

 

A letter is just another form of contact. Ignore him.

 

Totally agree with the ego thing.

[loveboid]

Totally agree with the ego thing.

 

There's a great quote by Gavin de Becker, paraphrased: For some people if they cannot be your partner they will settle for being your enemy.

 

A threat worked for me once. I think only because now he has a story that a "crazy" ex of his threatened a restraining order. Much more glamorous than me ignoring him.

[Grapesofwrath]

If you have raised children, think back to when they were toddlers and would throw a tantrum. The best way to deal with a tantrum is to ignore it. Make sure the child is safe, i.e. can't run into the street or get hurt somehow, and then ignore them until they calm down and behave rationally.

 

In some ways, I think this is the same thing. He is having a tantrum of sorts. You ended it, which bruised his ego, and he wants to "win." So he is behaving like a child in order to get his way. Don't give in to this manipulation.

[beach]

I know exactly what I want - to live transparently and wholeheartedly.

 

I was already done with keeping secrets. I feel like HE burdens me with new ones, that I am not the one creating them. That's what makes me angry. I keep shutting down paths and he keeps worming his way in. He is very persistent, always has been. But what I don't get is - he supposedly agrees that we have to be over. In fact, he is the one that started trying to end this months and months ago, when HE almost got caught. He has messed with me for so long. Now, when I am finally breaking free, he is waffling. Let me go, already!

 

I just wanted to do this quietly, dammit. I am so, so tired. I was already being authentic. I don't want him dragging me back down to the pit. I just can't believe he is not going to let me walk. I guess I am going to have to do this differently.

 

Email him and make it clear you will tell his wife if he ever contacts you again. If possible - just include her in the email.

 

Exposing him is the quickest and most useful way to stay honest with your husband. Allow your H to see your email.

 

Have you told him you've heard from your mm?

[Marchhare]

I don't want the A. I don't want the A. I don't want the A.

 

I've never been more clear about anything in my life.

 

I will ignore. That will be new for him. Maybe it will work.

 

I would be concerned that OM would contact your H. He knows where you live and his ego wont let you go. You say he wouldn't dare, but you also didn't believe you would have an affair either, and you did.

A quick phone call or email, or even a letter could derail your reconciliation efforts or possibly end it. Why risk it?

Strongly suggest you be proactive and fess up OP. Better from you than OM.

For what its worth, I also believe you are through with OM. Which is why full transparency and disclosure is necessary OP.

I really believe your H will appreciate it and you more for being brave and honest.

[Southern Sun]

I would be concerned that OM would contact your H. He knows where you live and his ego wont let you go. You say he wouldn't dare, but you also didn't believe you would have an affair either, and you did.

A quick phone call or email, or even a letter could derail your reconciliation efforts or possibly end it. Why risk it?

Strongly suggest you be proactive and fess up OP. Better from you than OM.

For what its worth, I also believe you are through with OM. Which is why full transparency and disclosure is necessary OP.

I really believe your H will appreciate it and you more for being brave and honest.

 

He would be an idiot to do so.

 

My H knows about the affair and has confronted xMM. I just haven't told my H about the broken NC...fear on my part.

 

My H has done xMM a GIANT undeserved favor and not yet called his BS. There are multiple reasons for this that I can't disclose here. Point is, it doesn't make sense that xMM would contact my H. He has a whole lot more to lose than I do right now. It's out in the open on my side, but he's walking around as if nothing happened (for now).

 

Some have expressed that he is breaking NC because he hasn't experienced consequences. Maybe that's true. I thought it would be the other way around, that he would leave us alone because we have leverage. Anyway...still just planning no response at this point.

[Sassy Girl]

He sounds alot like my mm. Everytime I went NC, he would find a way to get ahold of me. Usually I gave in right away. The last time back in December, I just went cold turkey. He text and emailed me everyday. I didnt respond. He did the next best thing and decided to come best buddies with my husband (they are "friends"). Going to lunch, asking H to hang out for drinks (h declined) and texting h almost everyday.

Not because he wanted to get in my pants, but because he knew i wouldn't tell my H. He has complete power over me, and this is what your xmm is doing to. He thinks you will eventually give in, which I ended up doing. Because it is easier to deal with very minimal communication from him, then going NC and dealing with his manipulative behavior. My mm has no intention of hooking up again. Hes just using me for an ego boost. And i feel trapped. I know this is absolutely not the right way, but I'm just hoping this EA will eventually just fade away. He even emailed me one day while in NC saying, i really need to talk to you asap. Lies!!!! If I were to tell my H (same with you), mm would not even think of doing this, hell, he probably wouldn't even exist anymore.

But unfortunately, I honestly think, the only way to get rid of this guy is if you threaten him. Maybe try what someone else suggested, email him, set up a fake one with your H name and CC him on that. See if that makes him disappear. Cause he will not go away if he doesnt feel you will put him in any kind of danger.

 

These men are all the same. And we are the ones that allow them to be.

 

Ugh. How could you continue contact with such a douchebag?

 

You hate him, yet you proposition him. That's either all kinds of messed up or you're just blowing smoke and really do want the affair.

 

SS, I actually believe you want to end the affair, but you're too scared to do it the right way. I think you're headed generally in the right direction. You just need to bite the bullet and do it. You're talking about it. What will it take to actually do it? Any new revelations are best coming from you (rather than waiting for BH to find out), plus, he's heard the worst of it. There's been no physical contact since DDay, right?

Edited April 30, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Southern Sun]

Ugh. How could you continue contact with such a douchebag?

 

You hate him, yet you proposition him. That's either all kinds of messed up or you're just blowing smoke and really do want the affair.

 

SS, I actually believe you want to end the affair, but you're too scared to do it the right way. I think you're headed generally in the right direction. You just need to bite the bullet and do it. You're talking about it. What will it take to actually do it? Any new revelations are best coming from you (rather than waiting for BH to find out), plus, he's heard the worst of it. There's been no physical contact since DDay, right?

 

 

 

 

That's right - since D Day, we've spoken a few times and emailed here and there, but that's all.

 

A FINAL goodbye was said two months ago, over the phone. We had been using a secret email account to communicate since D Day, which I closed after the goodbye conversation (even though he asked me to keep it open, 'just in case').

 

HE has broken NC since then twice by using email accounts I didn't know he had. I failed once and responded when he tricked me, but not the second time. I've blocked him from both of those.

 

The affair is O-V-E-R.

Edited April 30, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Marchhare]

He would be an idiot to do so.

 

My H knows about the affair and has confronted xMM. I just haven't told my H about the broken NC...fear on my part.

 

My H has done xMM a GIANT undeserved favor and not yet called his BS. There are multiple reasons for this that I can't disclose here. Point is, it doesn't make sense that xMM would contact my H. He has a whole lot more to lose than I do right now. It's out in the open on my side, but he's walking around as if nothing happened (for now).

 

Some have expressed that he is breaking NC because he hasn't experienced consequences. Maybe that's true. I thought it would be the other way around, that he would leave us alone because we have leverage. Anyway...still just planning no response at this point.

 

OP, I know and commend you for telling your H about your infidelity, that speaks volumes, and your subsequent posts have been good. A pity the A was your choice in the first place, but it is what it is. I also agree xMM would be an idiot to contact your H based on your posts. Nevertheless ego and rejection stoke hot fires of revenge.

He has not had any consequences and while the A is O-V-E-R for you it obviously isn't for xMM. While most of it is out in the open, you are withholding. Truth.

Again, do not let the vengeance of the xMM derail your reconciliation. All it takes is one seed of doubt for your H to lose the trust you have been trying to regain.

xMM could become that idiot and bread crumb your H with your earlier emails. Is losing your H's trust worth that? Those earlier emails after Dday that H does not know about are a ticking time bomb. Defuse it!

Tough choices for a tough situation.

Best wishes!

Edited April 29, 2015 by Marchhare

[georgia girl]

Southern Sun,

 

 

This could be awful advice, so please just ignore. But, here's a crazy suggestion... why not tell just one more lie? Instead, this time lie to your exMM. Something like this:

 

 

"XMM,

 

 

Just so you know, this is your absolute last shot to leave me alone. I've asked nicely now I'm done. I have disclosed everything to my husband and he is watching me as I type this email. If you contact me one more time, we have agreed as a couple that he needs to contact your wife and let her know all about the affair. Further, we will jointly go to the police station and file a restraining order. I'm printing out this email once I send it as my proof that I told you this was harassing and I don't want your contact. Also, remember that "read receipt" I requested? Yep, that's printed out too. I'm that serious. In fact, I kind of want you to break no contact just so I can see you have to live with the consequences.

 

 

Thanks, Southern Sun"

 

 

If you are that confident he won't ever contact your husband, the lie about your husband knowing everything isn't that big of a risk. Unless he breaks no contact again and then you have to tell your husband and live with the consequences. But, you could use this email as proof to your husband that you were trying to get rid of him and he just wouldn't go.

 

 

Now, having presented my absolutely horrible idea, I'll jump on the bandwagon and agree with the other posters that you take away all of this guy's hold over you simply by telling your husband. If it was a few calls and a few emails and no physical contact, it will be a body blow but it will be so much better coming from you.

 

 

I also happen to think that this guy's wife needs to know so the other thing you could do is tell your husband that you really think the other spouse needs to know as well.

 

 

Good luck, Southern Sun. I think you really want out and this guy is just a highly manipulative man.

[jen1447]

I've thought about another method...sending him a certified letter with very firm wording. Our goodbye was 'mutual'. So it was friendly, in a way. It was an agreement. I'm starting to think that's not going to work. Hell, he's been expressing a desire to end it for so long, I didn't think he would fight back now. Apparently I was wrong. So I am thinking maybe if I send something that is more of a 'leave me alone and respect my wishes or I will involve H', maybe that could work?

No, don't do that. Given your beliefs about hubs' violent tendencies, his involvement is an implied physical threat. And you would have sent it in writing, in a certified letter. That'd be about the biggest gift of ammo you could ever give this guy and it'd be an invitation to keep him in your life even longer.

[jwi71]

OP-

 

I gotta confess...you make no sense to me.

 

I see it pretty simply:

 

1) you lie to your H about dday also being last contact (aka "the lie")

2) you admit telling the truth about (1) is not likely, in your view, to cause your H to file for D

3) you further say that telling (1) might lead to actions punishable by law - we presume violence

4) MM has REPEATEDLY crossed lines you didn't think he would

5) you will persist in this lie (giving MM power and control) and simply hope he will suddenly stop with no action

6) You contemplate going great lengths to NOT tell your H - including deleting accounts

6a) Your H may already KNOW of these emails as he has access

6b) you only hesitate to delete the account because you would have to explain why - which you are AVOIDING at all costs.

6c) Your H may be testing you to see if you will fess up to an email he has already seen/read - and you are failing miserably

 

You are spending SO MUCH energy in AVOIDING telling your H.

Read my bullet point synopsis. Provided it is correct (it is) then you are going FAR afield to avoid telling the truth.

 

Why?

 

...and its not (3) above. You tell your H then he must CHOOSE his response. He is a big boy let him choose...and face whatever consequences his choices bring. Such is life. Just as you now face the consequences of your choices. Just as I do. Just as everyone does.

 

Continuing "the lie" doesn't really make sense. That's why LSers suspect, myself included, you like the drama and attention (aka keeping the A alive in some fashion)- because you do little to end it. And lets face it, all of this - this thread - is about maintaining "the lie". Keeping thetruth from your H. When you can de-fang MM by simply coming clean. Wholly and fully. You could delete the accounts...but then you have to tell why - and you don't want to as it would out "the lie". You could tell the truth and keep the accounts open - but you don't want to do that either for the same reason of not wanting to come clean. In each case you must tell the whole truth. You refuse.

 

Much energy to keep this lie alive.

Much energy to keep you and your family in the shadow of the A and the MM.

 

I truly don't get it. You risk so much for such a stupid lie that even YOU think won't kill the M.

 

And despite what you think, I, and others who have replied, know EXACTLY what you are going through at home - having lived it ourselves.

 

Good luck. I'm not convinced that maintaining the lie leads to a favorable outcome.

[Southern Sun]

OP-

 

I gotta confess...you make no sense to me.

 

I see it pretty simply:

 

1) you lie to your H about dday also being last contact (aka "the lie")

2) you admit telling the truth about (1) is not likely, in your view, to cause your H to file for D

3) you further say that telling (1) might lead to actions punishable by law - we presume violence

4) MM has REPEATEDLY crossed lines you didn't think he would

5) you will persist in this lie (giving MM power and control) and simply hope he will suddenly stop with no action

6) You contemplate going great lengths to NOT tell your H - including deleting accounts

6a) Your H may already KNOW of these emails as he has access

6b) you only hesitate to delete the account because you would have to explain why - which you are AVOIDING at all costs.

6c) Your H may be testing you to see if you will fess up to an email he has already seen/read - and you are failing miserably

 

You are spending SO MUCH energy in AVOIDING telling your H.

Read my bullet point synopsis. Provided it is correct (it is) then you are going FAR afield to avoid telling the truth.

 

Why?

 

...and its not (3) above. You tell your H then he must CHOOSE his response. He is a big boy let him choose...and face whatever consequences his choices bring. Such is life. Just as you now face the consequences of your choices. Just as I do. Just as everyone does.

 

Continuing "the lie" doesn't really make sense. That's why LSers suspect, myself included, you like the drama and attention (aka keeping the A alive in some fashion)- because you do little to end it. And lets face it, all of this - this thread - is about maintaining "the lie". Keeping thetruth from your H. When you can de-fang MM by simply coming clean. Wholly and fully. You could delete the accounts...but then you have to tell why - and you don't want to as it would out "the lie". You could tell the truth and keep the accounts open - but you don't want to do that either for the same reason of not wanting to come clean. In each case you must tell the whole truth. You refuse.

 

Much energy to keep this lie alive.

Much energy to keep you and your family in the shadow of the A and the MM.

 

I truly don't get it. You risk so much for such a stupid lie that even YOU think won't kill the M.

 

And despite what you think, I, and others who have replied, know EXACTLY what you are going through at home - having lived it ourselves.

 

Good luck. I'm not convinced that maintaining the lie leads to a favorable outcome.

 

You guys can be so hard on people. No. I am not trying to keep this alive. Ever been really stuck before? Scared? Ever screwed up? That's where I am.

 

The potential violence I am referring to are things my H has threatened against xMM. It is scary and I would like to not provoke some sort of situation. Someone said, well you shoulda thought of that before you continued contact after D Day. Well, right. I should have done a lot of things differently. If only. We all know this.

 

You saying xMM has repeatedly crossed lines...the fact is, I haven't yet proven to xMM that his reaching out won't somehow work with me. He has always 'won', throughout the entire A. I am just now standing up to him. I would like to give that a chance.

 

I am not giving xMM power - I am finally taking it back by completely ignoring him for the first time ever.

 

If I can see that this is not working, I will have to tell my H. But you guys beating me over the head with it is not helping. I am doing the best I can. I've ended the affair. I don't want the affair. I want my marriage. And if I can't shake this man, I will do what I have to do. For now, I am trying delete, ignore, and block.

[jbrent890]

You guys can be so hard on people. No. I am not trying to keep this alive. Ever been really stuck before? Scared? Ever screwed up? That's where I am.

 

The potential violence I am referring to are things my H has threatened against xMM. It is scary and I would like to not provoke some sort of situation. Someone said, well you shoulda thought of that before you continued contact after D Day. Well, right. I should have done a lot of things differently. If only. We all know this.

 

You saying xMM has repeatedly crossed lines...the fact is, I haven't yet proven to xMM that his reaching out won't somehow work with me. He has always 'won', throughout the entire A. I am just now standing up to him. I would like to give that a chance.

 

I am not giving xMM power - I am finally taking it back by completely ignoring him for the first time ever.

 

If I can see that this is not working, I will have to tell my H. But you guys beating me over the head with it is not helping. I am doing the best I can. I've ended the affair. I don't want the affair. I want my marriage. And if I can't shake this man, I will do what I have to do. For now, I am trying delete, ignore, and block.

 

Again, I hope you know what you are doing. This is my last point then I'm going to leave this thread alone. Do you understand that if your husband finds out by other means about all of the contact, then your marriage is likely over? Please let that sink in. He is more thank likely nor going to care about your intentions or reasons. If he is volatile as you say he is, I hate to see what he would do if he discovered all this on his own. I can't emphasize enough that your marriage has a better chance of surviving by being honest here.