Why won't xMM let me go?

[jwi71]

You guys can be so hard on people. No. I am not trying to keep this alive. Ever been really stuck before? Scared? Ever screwed up? That's where I am.

 

The potential violence I am referring to are things my H has threatened against xMM. It is scary and I would like to not provoke some sort of situation. Someone said, well you shoulda thought of that before you continued contact after D Day. Well, right. I should have done a lot of things differently. If only. We all know this.

 

You saying xMM has repeatedly crossed lines...the fact is, I haven't yet proven to xMM that his reaching out won't somehow work with me. He has always 'won', throughout the entire A. I am just now standing up to him. I would like to give that a chance.

 

I am not giving xMM power - I am finally taking it back by completely ignoring him for the first time ever.

 

If I can see that this is not working, I will have to tell my H. But you guys beating me over the head with it is not helping. I am doing the best I can. I've ended the affair. I don't want the affair. I want my marriage. And if I can't shake this man, I will do what I have to do. For now, I am trying delete, ignore, and block.

 

I get it. I do.

 

And I must apologize for not being clear.

 

My post was/is about maintaining this lie and why is it so important to you.

If your plans works you will never tell and keep the lie alive. Why? What do you gain by not telling? What remains hidden?

 

If your plan fails you come clean. Why do choose the route of handling this ALONE rather than TOGETHER with your H? Why keep your H away from this?

 

In any case...you certainly don't owe me answers.

Lies are not your friend. They are FAR more damaging than the truth.

 

Good luck...my last post unless events warrant

[Sassy Girl]

Yep. So all that talk about living honestly and authentically and transparently was just lip service.

 

Your actions show you want to continue being dishonest and deceitful while manipulating your husband. You don't want to change at all.

 

I'm out too

[Owl6118]

Southern Sun, you weigh yourself down with so many fears, so many weights, so many burdens:

 

--the burden of keeping two stories straight

--the daily fear of someone having control over you, because they have the power to expose a lie

--the burden of knowing that your life partner, despite devastation, is trusting you to be honest with him now. And that you are not living up to his trust.

 

Freedom from all of this is an open door right in front of you. You are standing on threshold. You even walked through it once already, but became afraid, and stepped back into darkness.

 

Just walk through the door, Sun. The self-respect and freedom that come with living integrity are right in front of you. Just put down these burdens you load yourself with, take one big step, and walk through it.

[bigman1]

Southern,

 

I'll answer your question as to why he won't leave you alone. Its because you are still in an affair of sorts with him. You protest that its over and you want nothing to do with him. Unfortunately, you had the secret post Dday communication. You still have this attempted contact. You kept secret from your husband that you were sleeping with him, in part, to protect your self and to protect your husband and to protect your lover. Now, you repeat the pattern. You have surreptitious communication with OM, you keep it secret from your husband for the same reasons. Its cookie cutter wayward behavior.

 

Ignoring him is fine, but given the pattern that it falls into, he will take it as a "not now" as opposed to a "never again". The bad coping mechanisms that you used during your affair are still present. The same parties are playing. The same rules apply and you are playing the same. I get that you say that you want this over, but you are going to have to play it honestly if you want to win.

 

Look, let's be honest, your husband is not going to leave you. If you've disclosed to him and he's still around, he's not leaving. Those statistics posted way earlier in some thread that you responded to don't apply. Now, he might leave if he later learns of the half truths, omissions, and other stuff. Those kill the marriage. Even with the most co-dependent can't live without her type men. You are pretty close to the the limit of keeping it to yourself. After you pass the window of opportunity, then it will just be landmines waiting to be discovered by your H.

 

Finally, you said something very telling. You said that during the A, your AP always won and so you need to do this. THAT is proof that you have not let go. If you truly were done, you wouldn't care about proving jack squat to him. You would do whatever it took to protect your spouse, your marriage and to nuke any hopes this guy had without regard to how it evened the score.

 

As long as you have secrets with your AP, you are in the affair. Your H is not going to leave you because he's still there. I don't feel bad for him because he chose to stay knowing what you are capable of, so this should not surprise him. He's gonna take it and do nothing about it... unless down the line he finds out while he's questioning his choice to stay.