I NEED to be physical, He Doesn't, and it's drivingme crazy

[loveturtle]

Hey everyone,

This is kind of embarrassing to talk about, but i need some help. I'm in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend of two years who lives all the way accross the country. We only get to visit each other about once every three months. During that time, i expect to make a lot of love, but he says he doesnt need to. I would ideally like to 3 times a day, being that we hardly get to see each other, and with him, he only likes to 3 times a week. This always puts me in a bad mood, because i'm a very physical person, and i need this kind of love, and i especially feel rejected when he doesnt because he hardly sees me, so i figure he'd want to even more. Also, i like to in the night, he only likes to in the morning.

In the past, when we were first together, we made love like rabbits, now its so rare. He used to be fine with fingering me, now he never does. He says it turns him off and that i smell bad. He only will if i get out of the shower. I need fingering for foreplay, and he gets mad about it. So all i get is lousy sex, a couple times every three months, in the morning when i dont like, and after the shower.....no spontaneity. He's a clean freak, so i have to be clean before he does that, and he absolutely never will even consider having sex with me if i'm on my period.

Is this normal? I try to tell him that i'm not satisfied, and he gets mad. He says that sex isn't important to him in a relationship, but it is to me. He doesnt compromise, and i feel like because of this we aren't compatable. I love him, but i get so hurt when i don't feel that physical affection, or when he says i smell terrible down there. I mean what can i do, it really hurts me.

He says he tried a lot harder earlier because he was courting me. But i feel like in love, you have to sacrifice in order to make your partner feel the best he or she can, and he doesn't sacrifice his dislike of fingering me to make me happy. He also doesnt try to atleast compramise with how much i like to make love. I don't want to break up, but i know myself and that i need physical love. Is this grounds to break up? What should i do? I've actually even grown more attractive since we were first together, so it's not a matter of me not maintaining my appearance... i just don't get how man couldn't want to have sex as much as a do...or is so picky about it.

[chubachoop]

I think you definately have grounds to break up. This man is not comprimising in any way, he is selfish (only doing what pleases him) and he puts you down, saying you smell bad. It must damage your self esteem and that doesnt seem to bother him. Love is about sharing and about comprimising. What is your relationship like when you are not having sex? is he as uncomprimising and selfish in other ways? my ex boyfriend didnt like performing oral sex on me yet he expected it himself all the time. We had sex as often as he wanted (which wasnt as often as I liked) and he rarely made me orgasm, or even tried to. He was also selfish and uncomprimising outside of the bedroom. I didnt feel loved and appreciated so I finished with him.

 

If physical love is important to you and you are not satisfied with the amount you recieve i really think you should consider breaking up with him.

[loveturtle]

Thanks for replying!

Thanks for your advice.... yes outside of the bedroom he isn't very compromising either. When it comes to working and maintaining the cash flow to pay to see each other, i end up paying most of the way because he is very picky about whatever job he chooses. He refuses to work anywhere that he is not completely 100% satsified with, even if it means not getting any money to see me. I on the other hand put up with working, whoever said working was fun?....in order to get the money to see him. I guess i need to talk to him seriously about this whole compramising issue.

When it comes to all the physical stuff though, it's not as though he expects me to do things for him that he doesnt do for me...we jsut hardly do anything in general. What i hate though is when the only time he wants to, which is in the morning, he just expects me to be all up and ready without any foreplay....it's so lousy.

[blackendangel13]

Oh my goodness it is reassuring to know I am not the only one with this problem. Although my boyfriend lives only 30 minutes away I am noticing quite a pattern. He is 24 still living at home and I am 21 living on my own in my own apartment in Chicago for the past 2 years. I know I am young but I am pretty darn mature. What guy would not enjoy his girlfriend having her own apartment. Yet he rarely ever comes to see me and expects me to always go out to see him. He has about 7 times in the past 6 months and never stays long. Just the night if we go out to a concert by my house and his friends don't drive. Anyhow, I am in the same boat. I need a lot of physical love. My ex used to get mad at how often I wanted it and my current one seems to get irriated by it too. I am lucky to see my boyfriend on weekends and thats if I drive to see him. Yet there are weekends where we don't have sex at all. I feel extremely unnatractive when I get turned down for sex, especially when its very often. Not to mention, like your boyfriend, he is VERY selfish in bed. He used to go down on me and try at least to get me off too but now he gets his and goes to bed. Its so frustrating. If I do ask for oral he does it for about 2 minutes. I'd like to meet a chick that can get off in two minutes with a guy who is not the most skillful at it. And what gets even better, I think you will totally appreciate this one! He told me that if I don't like it (the frequency or quality) I should just do it myself! Talk about cold-blooded. Everytime I have tried to talk to him about it he gets defensive and says I think he sucks in bed. But that's my tiff, I already know he has to go but can't seem to do it. Selfish guys are ALWAYS selfish about more than just sex. Let him go, he is hurting your self esteem.

[Fun2BMe]

Oh my gosh, I could be writing the same exact thing. I am in a similar situation. I have been with someone for 3 1/2 years and it's all about his friggin di** and I am getting fed up.

 

He gets off and that is the only thing that matters. I am already suffering from major major major low self-esteem issues because of it. I am starting to eat and gain weight and am starting to HATE my body that my boyfriend does not want to touch and love enough. I feel depressed too about it.

 

At least it is comforting to know that I am not alone and that my body is not that deformed to be the only one out there in this fu**ed up situation. SOrry for sounding so angry, but it rings a bell with me personally.

[blackendangel13]

I don't think there is anything in this world that makes women feel as unattractive as mates who don't find them incredibly sexually desirable. Its very disheartening. My ex, o ladies! He was always in tune with me and after he got his, always did me. There were times I had to beg him not to. If I didn't get mine he felt horrible. Maybe thats why I put up with all his bull ****. But damn. I never had any desire to be with anyone else. Now I wonder what the hell I am doing with my current boyfriend. He is on the outs but after him... I am finding a man to satisfy me and if he doesn't he's got to go. I've had my heart broken enough and been with enough selfish men that its time for me to be selfish. Our men act like sex is a chore to releave their pressure.

 

Ha! This has officially become the woman's bitching post!

[loveturtle]

Originally posted by Fun2BMe

He gets off and that is the only thing that matters. I am already suffering from major major major low self-esteem issues because of it. I am starting to eat and gain weight and am starting to HATE my body that my boyfriend does not want to touch and love enough. I feel depressed too about it.

At least it is comforting to know that I am not alone and that my body is not that deformed

 

 

Originally posted by blackendangel13

I don't think there is anything in this world that makes women feel as unattractive as mates who don't find them incredibly sexually desirable. Its very disheartening. My ex, o ladies!

 

 

exactly.....i mean i do what i can to look good, and he turns me down all the time...it just makes me feel disgusting... and when i try to tell him i need the physical love, he calls me a nympho and makes it seem like it's my problem and that i'm deranged to be so "freaky". he says he doesn't need sex because the emotional aspect is more important

 

but the two go hand in hand, and with him showing no sacrifice (with attempting to use foreplay, even though he hates it) and not compromising out sexual needs) i just find him selfish

 

it is all about his dick...on the few times when he wants it in the morning, its jsut so lousy, like i'm up, lets go at it and be done in 5 minutes. why did he change so much since the courting period?

 

they say women start slacking off in the sack with time, but damn, it seems like the opposite

 

i get so insecure and defensive when i get turned down like that. it lets all te negative qualities seep into me, like jealousy and mistrust and even more vanity in trying to figure out how to be more attractive. then he says he gets turned off by me acting like that. it really does make me forget what makes me special to him. he's supposed to be my man, i'm faithful to him, and with not seeing eachother for months, i do expect to go at it like honeymooners...hehe

[blackendangel13]

O love, you sound so much like me. Except for my latest ex, all of my exes have called me a nympho! My current boyfriend does all the time, especially when I want it more than once a week. Then when I want to deviate a little and get a little kinky... yep still a nympho. Seriuosly, I know its not always about sex, but if you are having problems there it will seep into other aspects of your relationship. You already said that he is selfish in other ways. You sound like you have a pretty good level of self esteem but any man we love can easily rip that apart with the way he treats you. We women always assume that men under 30 are supposed to be animals who want it all the time, and when they aren't getting it from us and don't want it from us we get suspicious. Plain and simple, some men don't like it that much, and it sucks that most of these men are the ones women like us end up with! Figures huh? In my opinion, let him go. He will not wake up one morning and become the sexual stallion of your dreams. Find someone more in tune with your needs. YOU ARE NOT BEING A HOE BY DOING THIS! There are men out there who think their sole purpose in life is to please the woman they are with. Find one, I wish you luck!

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by blackendangel13

Plain and simple, some men don't like it that much, and it sucks that most of these men are the ones women like us end up with! Figures huh? In my opinion, let him go. He will not wake up one morning and become the sexual stallion of your dreams. Find someone more in tune with your needs.

 

You girls should take a moment to examine your dating strategies. If you're reliably choosing frigid guys, there's a reason for it.

 

 

There are men out there who think their sole purpose in life is to please the woman they are with.

 

Yup! I reliably choose nympho girls, and there's a reason for this too. Woohoo!

[blackendangel13]

Ha! Good for you Romeo!

 

As far as always picking frigid men, its kind of like what loveturtle was saying. In the courting process they are not like this. Its more of what happens when they are too comfortable in the relationship. When someone gets this comfortable things will not change. Eventually the other party will get sick of being unappreciated and jet. At least thats my opinion on it.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by blackendangel13

Ha! Good for you Romeo!

 

Ty - all the Juliets have appreciated it too.

 

 

As far as always picking frigid men, its kind of like what loveturtle was saying. In the courting process they are not like this. Its more of what happens when they are too comfortable in the relationship. When someone gets this comfortable things will not change. Eventually the other party will get sick of being unappreciated and jet. At least thats my opinion on it.

 

Not true, I'm afraid. All of us broadcast signs like this to potential partners - you're just not aware of them.

 

And be honest with yourself - if it keeps happening, how can it be random? Do the math - guys who want it this little are in a relatively small minority. How likely is it that you get them again and again just by chance?

[blackendangel13]

I am not always with frigid men. My last ex was amazing. In fact I was raving about him before. At least in the lovin' department he was.

 

Plain and simple, some men don't like it that much, and it sucks that most of these men are the ones women like us end up with! Figures huh?

 

This was more of a joke to make loveturtle feel better. I am sure not all of her men have been frigid either. I am just saying that the frigid ones usually end up with women who want it more than they do. I know a lot of women who, at one time or another, have been with a man who "couldn't handle them". Maybe you are right and we can't see the signs. But the whole purpose of courting a woman is to get her into you and not show her they really are that selfish.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by blackendangel13

This was more of a joke to make loveturtle feel better. I am sure not all of her men have been frigid either. I am just saying that the frigid ones usually end up with women who want it more than they do. I know a lot of women who, at one time or another, have been with a man who "couldn't handle them".

 

Sorry - I missed your nuance. Apologies for wading in, guns blazing.

 

True about the frigid guys ending up with women who want it more. One of my female friends ended up with one for 6 years. Boy was she unhappy. Although in her case, there was definitely a reason she picked him

[blackendangel13]

Lol guns blazin! Its ok, you seem to know women, so you figured we might be a little defensive when someone says we always pick the wrong guy! The thing about us women is, most of us don't choose who we are with based on sex. We might be happier if we did but the ones who we keep around we do for a reason. Most of the time, the sex isn't as big an issue, and since we love the person we look past it. When it becomes an issue of this guy tearing down a woman's esteem then its obvious its not going to get any better. (no reason for the bunny, I just think its adorable.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by blackendangel13

Its ok, you seem to know women... The thing about us women is, most of us don't choose who we are with based on sex. We might be happier if we did but the ones who we keep around we do for a reason. Most of the time, the sex isn't as big an issue, and since we love the person we look past it. When it becomes an issue of this guy tearing down a woman's esteem then its obvious its not going to get any better.

 

Thanks for the compliment and for noticing Yes, girls usually have something else in mind. Tearing down self-esteem is mean though. And not being able to find a compromise is a counter-indication too.

 

 

(no reason for the bunny, I just think its adorable.

 

Me too!

[loveturtle]

hey everyone,

 

thanks so much for your replies.... yep, not every man i've been with is "frigid". My ex kept up with me, our sex life was great, but he ended up getting into too many drugs and i lost him. but lek blackened angel was saying, you can;t ever be sure about how it's going to work out. my current boyfriend, during the "courting process" was AMAZING. then he jsut stopped caring, thinking nothing of it. I read this Bridgette Bardot quote that say "sex starts in the morning and ends in the evening" <----meaning it isn't just a 10 minutes warmup leading to the real thing.... guys, your supposed to make your girl feel sexy. don't jsut tell her she's beautiful....SHOW HER she's beautiful

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by loveturtle

thanks so much for your replies....

Our pleasure!

 

 

my current boyfriend, during the "courting process" was AMAZING. then he jsut stopped caring, thinking nothing of it.

That's too freaky. What happened to his sex drive? If you don't mind me asking, did *he* want it a lot at the beginning or was he just doing things for you?

 

Do you think he might be finding another outlet now?

 

 

I read this Bridgette Bardot quote that say "sex starts in the morning and ends in the evening" <----meaning it isn't just a 10 minutes warmup leading to the real thing.... guys, your supposed to make your girl feel sexy. don't jsut tell her she's beautiful....SHOW HER she's beautiful

Exactly.

[Christophers_girl]

Wow what an a**h***! I can't believe he would say those things to you! Who would do something like that? I could never imagine my boyfriend saying those things to me.. and no sex? That seems a bit weird. Maybe he needs time alone, or really is just a mega clean freak. Also, maybe this says that he might of moved on with life.. if he can't even have sex with you, then what kind of a relationship is that? Yes, a relationship is not based upon sex but you do need some physical attraction to keep a relationship going.

 

*Hugz* my advice: Dump him and move on! The right one for you wont tell you "you smell bad" which is so wrong and cruel to say in the first place.