Are some not able to handle long distance relationships for good reason?

[Ijustdon'tgetit]

Is one selfish and not worth it if they can't wait for you in a long distance relationship?

 

I will be moving to where my ex lives next year (it previously was 2 years from now but now it'll be earlier.) and I still have hope that maybe we can try again and see if we are really compatible. But I keep having this nagging feeling that someone who claims they love you should be able to wait right?? On the other hand, I'm empathetic to understand that not everyone can handle long distance relationships and some people need the intimacy of their partner. What is your opinion?

[d0nnivain]

Relationships are hard under the best of circumstances. Not being able to be with the other person simply complicates things & not everybody wants to deal with that added stress. I'd rather be with somebody who was straight with me then somebody who "tried" but cheated.

[Ijustdon'tgetit]

Thanks for answering, D0nnivain. I like your point of view as I am somewhat leaning towards that view. Yet the nagging feeling is still there.

 

The way my ex broke up with me was so confusing to understand if it really was the distance that was the issue or if he was able to perceive that we weren't right for each other from the times we did spend together. We were together for almost 11 months if you count from the day we officially met each other in person but we had been "dating" online and talking 5 months prior. In the time that we dated, we were together in person 2 & 1/2 months or so with all visits added up.

When I visited him after the BU to get closure he said the reason was the distance. Along with other things that again keeps me confused.. Though he never said he doesn't love me anymore.

 

Maybe I should cross that bridge when I get there but I'm new with long term relationships. So I question if I should just let this hope die since sometimes it seemed we weren't compatible but there were some things in which we were. But since he's really my first long term boyfriend, I can't tell if maybe I would find someone better.

 

I guess what I am wondering

is if you were in my shoes, since there are so many unanswered questions and "what-ifs", do you think I should try again if he was willing? If I did that, then, I would be able to answer the questions I have and have no doubts if it could work or not.

 

Lastly, I have the nagging feeling because what if something with my line of work caused us to have a long distance relationship again, albeit, it would probably only be a few months? I would fear he would leave again and I would fear he couldn't wait this time. That would make his love be considered conditional right?

 

(But to give him the benefit of the doubt, he was able to wait for a year during our previous relationship.)

 

Thanks again.

[d0nnivain]

If what broke you up was the distance when you get there reach out. Your EX may be in a new relationship & you will have to respect that.

 

Most of what this person said to you sounded more like "I'm unwilling to make the effort required of an LDR" rather than true incompatibility. However, I don't know know either of you so I could be very wrong. All you can do is reach out after you move but keep your expectations low.

[Ijustdon'tgetit]

Thank you very much for taking the time.

 

I understand that's a possibility and my plan right now is healing and moving on. So maybe I wont even be interested by then. I'll be moving to a great city where I will have many more opportunities to meet people than I do in my hometown. So, I'll definitely keep in mind it's only a small chance.

 

Being unwilling to make the effort required of an LDR just sounds a little wrong to me still. Again, doesn't it make love conditional?

 

I remember reading posts by you where you and your husband were temporarily long distance. But I realize the difference is you two are already in a loving, committed relationship. So I would imagine I can't compare it to that?

[mammasita]

Just wanted to throw in my thoughts on long distance relationships. They suck. I was in the military - quite possibly the epitome of LDRs. I have been both on the deployed end and the remain at home while the partner deploys.

 

Should the opportunity to be in one ever present itself to me again, I would decline. Traveling for bits and pieces for work (not more than two weeks at a time) is not an LDR.

 

I don't blame anyone for not wanting to deal with it. They are hard. They take quadruple the effort and communication that a traditional relationship does.

[Ijustdon'tgetit]

Thanks mammasita!

 

I very much agree LDRs do suck! I learned a lot about my self in that relationship. It makes me eager to have a traditional, close relationship with someone local one day.

 

Thanks for your opinion. I wanted to ask people who have actually experienced being in LDRs how they would feel about someone who wouldn't deal with it. You have definitely given me something to think about. I appreciate it!

[Els]

Thanks mammasita!

 

I very much agree LDRs do suck! I learned a lot about my self in that relationship. It makes me eager to have a traditional, close relationship with someone local one day.

 

Thanks for your opinion. I wanted to ask people who have actually experienced being in LDRs how they would feel about someone who wouldn't deal with it. You have definitely given me something to think about. I appreciate it!

 

I was in a VLDR for 2 years. We reunited at the end of it and are still going strong several years hence.

 

The VLDR portion of our relationship was really not a pleasant experience. Like mammasita says, it takes many times the effort and perseverance of a normal relationship - because IMO LDRs are essentially an investment, where you have to really trust that the other person will still be waiting for you at the end of it and that it will all be worth it after you reunite. Where you have to go month after month without ever touching your partner or having a dinner date with them or snuggle up watching movies together at home... in hopes that you will be able to do that at the end of the road.

 

That sort of investment isn't really for everyone. It isn't really about selfishness, it's about different personalities and compatibility. Some people just aren't cut out for LDRs, and that's not really their fault. A lot of the time it's mutual, too, as one partner's behaviour during the LDR influences the other. If you see your partner putting a lot of time and effort into your LDR and having faith that it will work out, then it inspires you to stay and make it work, too. Goes both ways.

[Ijustdon'tgetit]

Hi Elswyth!

 

VLDR the "V" stands for "very" I'm guessing?

 

I think this is why I have such a negative feeling about this. I wish my ex had that perseverance and wanted to invest in us.

 

Our relationship lasted longer than it would have if I didn't have a strong faith and patience. I reminded him that there would be an amazing reward at the end of it. He just needed the patience.. He also didn't want me to move there only for him if it didn't work out but I'm going there for school. There's other elements that probably caused him to give up. (Age difference, his personality, etc.) One thing he always said to me is how it didn't work out with one of his exes because they were 2 hours apart and look now he's in a relationship with someone across the ocean. I took that as a compliment..

 

Well, thanks for sharing your opinion and experience. I'm starting to see that maybe I was expecting too much.. I realize an LDR is hard after experiencing it. Probably my lack of relationship experience guiding me on these thoughts.

 

I'm curious what it would be like to have a close relationship now. After reading so much on the LS breakup page. I really couldn't relate to a lot of it because I didn't have any of the perks of local dating. And that's what made me question if I should have any anger for my exes decision or doubt if the break up meant he had had enough of me. (lol) Like some of the people on the page are going through. It gives me hope and reflection.

[Els]

Hi Elswyth!

 

VLDR the "V" stands for "very" I'm guessing?

 

Hi, yep, it does.

 

I think this is why I have such a negative feeling about this. I wish my ex had that perseverance and wanted to invest in us.

 

I do completely understand why you are feeling this way - it's a very natural response. However, I still think that this is partially a product of someone's innate personality. Some people are more of the 'investment/delayed gratification' type, and some lean more towards 'living in the moment/instant gratification'. So it isn't necessarily about you or anything you could have done - that could just be the way he is and that means the two of you weren't compatible.

 

I'm curious what it would be like to have a close relationship now. After reading so much on the LS breakup page. I really couldn't relate to a lot of it because I didn't have any of the perks of local dating. And that's what made me question if I should have any anger for my exes decision or doubt if the break up meant he had had enough of me. (lol) Like some of the people on the page are going through. It gives me hope and reflection.

 

You sound like a smart, introspective person - I'm sure you'll be able to work things out and meet a more compatible (and hopefully local!) guy next time. Good luck!

[d0nnivain]

Again, doesn't it make love conditional?

 

I remember reading posts by you where you and your husband were temporarily long distance. But I realize the difference is you two are already in a loving, committed relationship. So I would imagine I can't compare it to that?

 

 

Love is always conditional.

 

The temporary long distance I had with my husband was 3 times for 6-8 weeks and we were only a 4 hour drive apart. I would go down almost every weekend. It wasn't that huge.

 

I did do a real LDR years ago for about 1.5 years. I was on the east coast of the US. He was in southern California. Still we got to see each other 3x per year. This was also before cell phones or the internet. We had snail mail & one phone call per week because long distance was expensive.

 

Not everybody wants to deal with all that comes along with an LDR.

[Popsicle]

I can not do long distance relationships for good reason.

[Ijustdon'tgetit]

Love is always conditional.

 

The temporary long distance I had with my husband was 3 times for 6-8 weeks and we were only a 4 hour drive apart. I would go down almost every weekend. It wasn't that huge.

 

I did do a real LDR years ago for about 1.5 years. I was on the east coast of the US. He was in southern California. Still we got to see each other 3x per year. This was also before cell phones or the internet. We had snail mail & one phone call per week because long distance was expensive.

 

Not everybody wants to deal with all that comes along with an LDR.

 

Yes, I guess that's true it's conditional. I guess I was thinking there are some conditions that can be seen as negative. Like his condition that "I can only love and be with you if we're close." I would want someone who can love me unconditionally.

 

I can't imagine being in a relationship with such limited contact! You're strong. May I ask is the reason for it now working out similar or not?

[Ijustdon'tgetit]

Hi, yep, it does.

 

 

 

I do completely understand why you are feeling this way - it's a very natural response. However, I still think that this is partially a product of someone's innate personality. Some people are more of the 'investment/delayed gratification' type, and some lean more towards 'living in the moment/instant gratification'. So it isn't necessarily about you or anything you could have done - that could just be the way he is and that means the two of you weren't compatible.

 

 

 

You sound like a smart, introspective person - I'm sure you'll be able to work things out and meet a more compatible (and hopefully local!) guy next time. Good luck!

 

 

Wow! I've been reflecting and listing ways where we weren't compatitable lately and I never thought of that! I definitely am more inclined to the investment/delayed gratification since I'm planning to go to school for 8+ years. Everyone including my ex would never do that. He questioned why I wouldn't just take a nursing course which would last a shorter time! Ugh

 

Thanks again Elswyth!

[d0nnivain]

I can't imagine being in a relationship with such limited contact! You're strong. May I ask is the reason for it now working out similar or not?

 

Our contact was as much as possible. We sent long newsy letters every day, at least 4-5 pages.

 

My long ago LDR did not work out because it had a lousy foundation. We were both young. I was more in love with his muscles then the man. I knew were were a bad match long term -- different goals, different outlooks etc -- but he was attentive & kind & gorgeous. However he was also a raging alcoholic with a number of legal problems. There was no way I was getting married to a train wreck, no matter how gorgeous. We talked about his drinking & his legal issues but when he wouldn't address them, I ended it.

[Ijustdon'tgetit]

Our contact was as much as possible. We sent long newsy letters every day, at least 4-5 pages.

 

My long ago LDR did not work out because it had a lousy foundation. We were both young. I was more in love with his muscles then the man. I knew were were a bad match long term -- different goals, different outlooks etc -- but he was attentive & kind & gorgeous. However he was also a raging alcoholic with a number of legal problems. There was no way I was getting married to a train wreck, no matter how gorgeous. We talked about his drinking & his legal issues but when he wouldn't address them, I ended it.

 

I think that is a excellent way to communicate but now everyone is about cellphones and tech.

 

I actually can relate. I feel like my logical brain knows my ex and I have some incompatibilies that will be especially present in the future. But for some reason, I don't know if it's my heart screwing with me. I keep trying to overlook the reasons or convince myself they're insignificant to the whole package. If only my ex had some terrible addiction then I would walk away no problem. I'm reading everything I can to understand why compatibility is very important so I don't waste anymore of my time with a guy it may not work out with. I am a very optimistic person with so much hope.. Not a good thing in this situation. Again, I would imagine this is just because of my inexperience in dating? Do you think as I get older I will wise up? Lol

[Els]

Wow! I've been reflecting and listing ways where we weren't compatitable lately and I never thought of that! I definitely am more inclined to the investment/delayed gratification since I'm planning to go to school for 8+ years. Everyone including my ex would never do that. He questioned why I wouldn't just take a nursing course which would last a shorter time! Ugh

 

Thanks again Elswyth!

 

No problems.

 

In addition to all the other things needed for a LDR (communication, belief that the R is worth it, ability to travel for visits, ability to close the distance in the future), I think this one is less obvious but also equally necessary. In all the 'successful' LDRs that I've seen (my definition of success is couples that survived the distance and have been together for at least several years after reuniting), both people were typically pretty close to the investment/delayed gratification end of the spectrum.

 

I'm closer to the middle of the spectrum myself, so I was probably the 'weaker link' in our LDR, heh. My SO was always convinced that we'd make it.

 

Again, I would imagine this is just because of my inexperience in dating? Do you think as I get older I will wise up? Lol

 

Very likely. How old are you?

[Ijustdon'tgetit]

No problems.

 

In addition to all the other things needed for a LDR (communication, belief that the R is worth it, ability to travel for visits, ability to close the distance in the future), I think this one is less obvious but also equally necessary. In all the 'successful' LDRs that I've seen (my definition of success is couples that survived the distance and have been together for at least several years after reuniting), both people were typically pretty close to the investment/delayed gratification end of the spectrum.

 

I'm closer to the middle of the spectrum myself, so I was probably the 'weaker link' in our LDR, heh. My SO was always convinced that we'd make it.

 

 

 

Very likely. How old are you?

 

 

Okay, in a way, you've answered a question I had about difference in personalities. You and your SO were a little different in that regard of investment/delayed gratification? I don't believe that just because people have some differences, a relationship can't work. If they are supplemented otherwise.

 

But maybe I'm thinking naively. For example, I've read about couples who have completely different friends & hobbies who fill their needs, for hobbies or say an intellectual conversation. They still are in a relationship with the person because he/she compliments the person in another way, like if the partner was missing that intellectual he/she would satisfy it from friends but get satisfied by their partner in another way. Hopefully that makes sense, but I feel like sometimes it's not ALL about checking the boxes in compatibility but more about choosing some that you absolutely have set a standard for and some that can be supplemented.

 

I'm 20 btw.

[Blade96]

Relationships are hard under the best of circumstances. Not being able to be with the other person simply complicates things & not everybody wants to deal with that added stress. I'd rather be with somebody who was straight with me then somebody who "tried" but cheated.

 

My Belarusian LDR guy couldn't do it. But he was straight with me rather than cheat. am I upset with him? Naw. Not everyone can just uproot from such a culture as Belarus and move to Canada with a different language culture, everything (and he didn't speak english well) Also, he wanted kids and I didn't. so we were incompatible anyways. We are still friends though but I do not write him that much (out of respect for his new Belarusian gf I keep a distance)

 

I don't think anybody is selfish if they tried but realize they couldn't do it for whatever reason.

 

But I'd never go back with him. as someone else said, I want someone who could still love me even if we are not physically close. My Net ex I believe he did and does care about me a lot. (which is why we are still friends) but no I'm not mad at someone who couldn't do a long distance thing. I am a delayed gratification girl (I study russian and I did karate which are both delayed gratification pursuits) so I can handle long distance thing. But I'm not mad at anyone who can't.

Edited April 28, 2015 by Blade96

[Ijustdon'tgetit]

My Belarusian LDR guy couldn't do it. But he was straight with me rather than cheat. am I upset with him? Naw. Not everyone can just uproot from such a culture as Belarus and move to Canada with a different language culture, everything (and he didn't speak english well) Also, he wanted kids and I didn't. so we were incompatible anyways. We are still friends though but I do not write him that much (out of respect for his new Belarusian gf I keep a distance)

 

I don't think anybody is selfish if they tried but realize they couldn't do it for whatever reason.

 

But I'd never go back with him. as someone else said, I want someone who could still love me even if we are not physically close. My Net ex I believe he did and does care about me a lot. (which is why we are still friends) but no I'm not mad at someone who couldn't do a long distance thing. I am a delayed gratification girl (I study russian and I did karate which are both delayed gratification pursuits) so I can handle long distance thing. But I'm not mad at anyone who can't.

 

Thanks for sharing! I really learn a lot when I hear other's experiences and opinions.

 

I'm beginning to realize I must displace the anger since it is apparently normal that some people aren't cut out for LDRs and that my ex clearly is different than I in terms of waiting for the reward.

[Els]

Okay, in a way, you've answered a question I had about difference in personalities. You and your SO were a little different in that regard of investment/delayed gratification? I don't believe that just because people have some differences, a relationship can't work. If they are supplemented otherwise.

 

But maybe I'm thinking naively. For example, I've read about couples who have completely different friends & hobbies who fill their needs, for hobbies or say an intellectual conversation. They still are in a relationship with the person because he/she compliments the person in another way, like if the partner was missing that intellectual he/she would satisfy it from friends but get satisfied by their partner in another way. Hopefully that makes sense, but I feel like sometimes it's not ALL about checking the boxes in compatibility but more about choosing some that you absolutely have set a standard for and some that can be supplemented.

 

Oh, you're absolutely right - nobody needs (or even wants, usually) a partner who is 100% the same as them. Variety is the spice of life after all, and many different traits are complementary.

 

But I do think that in some aspects there needs to be a certain degree of compatibility. I'm less investment-minded and more live-in-the-moment than my SO, yes, but I'm not at the other end of the spectrum either (if I had been, I would never have stayed in a LDR for 2 years).

 

Also, if two people were at polar extremes in aspects like this, it would probably make a relationship very difficult to maintain for the long-term, even if distance were not in the picture. So in a way a LDR does bring out the incompatibilities sooner than you would otherwise realize, but IMO it would have caused problems at some stage anyway. Better to find that out now than 3 years down the road yeah?

 

I'm 20 btw.

 

You come across as very introspective and mature for your age. While experience is invaluable and you WILL learn new things along the way, I don't see any reason why you couldn't have a happy/healthy LTR at this age, as long as you have the conviction to leave a guy who is incompatible with you.

[Ijustdon'tgetit]

Thanks so much!

 

I hope I can gain the conviction in the next coming months. I'm one of those people who has to learn the hard way unfortunately but I keep reminding myself that I don't want to go through this pain again. So I will remember your admonition that this one incompatibility is an important one which I shouldn't be flippant about. You have been very helpful to me. I appreciate it.

[okc85]

Just because someone doesn't want an LDR with you doesn't mean they're selfish. It means they're self-protective. IT means they don't set unrealistic expectations. It's life.

[central]

Most relationships need physical affection and sex to bond and stay connected. Without that, it's difficult to maintain, even with high levels of communication. If you've had time to bond before the long distance factor came into play, then good, frequent communication can maintain intimacy and bonding for a while, but eventually it can fade. Better to each go your own way in that case, and see if you reconnect if the opportunity arises and you're both free to do so.

 

I've had a couple of LDRs, and they are hard to keep going. I really want to be with the person I love. So, I would not have a LDR again, and really can't recommend them, unless the relationship is also open and you have the opportunity to find someone else. Yes, it risks the relationship, but if it lasts through even that, it's probably strong enough for anything.

[Ijustdon'tgetit]

Understood. Thanks for sharing