Karmacharm Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 So my MM was in the process of divorce and then he told me goodbye. He told me he would be a free man and I was not free, so it's a "sticky" situation. Funny, it was never a sticky situation when we were both married. He didn't even bother to discuss...to even inquire "what are you doing about your married situation". Nope, just goodbye. After two years of listening to all his flowery sentiments, all his problems, all his moods, and now "goodbye". I am realizing what a heartless man this was and coward. And, of course, it takes two because I was in this mess also. Has anyone ever encountered this? I'm doing ok, just sad because the memories are tough. I'll be ok and have learned my lesson well. Man, it's tough when all his words didn't mean a thing. Actions sure speak loud. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 If he had divorced, were you going to come clean and divorce your husband? Or since you thought he was in the D process, did you start the D process as well? Talk to your husband about it? What if he had actually gone ahead and divorced, were you really prepared to leave your H and life behind, start a new life with MM? Don't dismiss his feelings, he may have really loved you but just couldn't give up everything for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie09 Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 You never had the talk about what would happen if you BOTH left our spouses? That's strange, given the fact that he's been in the process of D. Wouldn't that subject come up automatically in a situation like that? What exactly is it that disappoints you? That he never asked about your M? Why didn't you bring it up then? Apparently it's something that you WANTED to discuss, right? Maybe he was waiting for you to be more proactive, since he already dealt with his situation proactively? Just a thought. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 A MM who actually got a divorce? Huh. How about that? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 A MM who actually got a divorce? Huh. How about that? Some do, they just don't come to LS to blather on about it. My guy wouldn't be caught dead posting here. OP, please, I know you want him to hurt and it is perfectly understandable, but please don't do what my guy's ex did. She, years later, is still waiting for my guy to be slapped by the karma gods. It didn't happen and she is miserable. You have to move on FOR YOU. Every time he pops into your head think of something terrible like the smell of rotten meat or anchovies... something that makes you sick. If you do that enough, soon your brain will associate the two automatically when you think of him, giving you time to heal and move on X good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 I love anchovies! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 I love anchovies! Lol! I do not love anchovies!! But the basic premise works. I actually read about that technique in a divorce handbook when I went through mine years ago. It works! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 I actually think my original post in this thread was for another thread! Oops! ?But the technique still applies!!? Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 (edited) So my MM was in the process of divorce and then he told me goodbye. He told me he would be a free man and I was not free, so it's a "sticky" situation. Funny, it was never a sticky situation when we were both married. He didn't even bother to discuss...to even inquire "what are you doing about your married situation". Nope, just goodbye. After two years of listening to all his flowery sentiments, all his problems, all his moods, and now "goodbye". I am realizing what a heartless man this was and coward. And, of course, it takes two because I was in this mess also. Has anyone ever encountered this? I'm doing ok, just sad because the memories are tough. I'll be ok and have learned my lesson well. Man, it's tough when all his words didn't mean a thing. Actions sure speak loud. I've always said that an affair when both people are married is a more stable enterprise, as the situation is balanced and both people can cake eat or at least are in the same situation so know what to expect and not to. However, when one person is single and the other is married it makes for more imbalance of everything: time, obligations, desires, everything. Most threads with MOW or MOM are a lot less angsty than the ones with the single OW/OM and a MP. Him being divorced does change things. He no longer has the constraint of his marriage so will feel the negative side of the A more now. When the MP is your only relationship to maintain or negotiate it is a different situation and their constrains will bother you even more versus when you have your own stuff to deal with. They will have a lot more free time emotionally and otherwise where they will end up feeling more of the effects of you having to juggle two lives versus when they were juggling two lives as well it wasn't all that obvious. I don't think he is heartless to be honest. Why would he ask what you were doing about your marriage, if you planned on divorcing wouldn't you have already said so? I do get how you must feel badly that he's saying goodbye, but you have to also put yourself in his shoes.In general though it seems men are less willing to be an OM forever while more women seem to "embrace the OW role" and see more upsides to having a part time relationship with a MM than OM do. Perhaps if the shoe was on the other foot and you divorced and he didn't you'd still stay with him, or would you? Do you plan to divorce your husband? If that was not a plan then can you really blame him? I'm sorry you're hurting but your MM actually made a decision and you are also free to make one too or you have to respect his choice not to be in this situation with you. Edited April 28, 2015 by MissBee 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Karmacharm Posted April 28, 2015 Author Share Posted April 28, 2015 If he had divorced, were you going to come clean and divorce your husband? Or since you thought he was in the D process, did you start the D process as well? Talk to your husband about it? What if he had actually gone ahead and divorced, were you really prepared to leave your H and life behind, start a new life with MM? Don't dismiss his feelings, he may have really loved you but just couldn't give up everything for you. He was moving forward with the divorce (and is now divorced). I thought we had a future together and was going to divorce my husband as well. But he pulled the rug out from under me, threw me under a bus. We discussed the future many times. Of course I still think about him, but something in me refuses to call him. Hopefully, I can continue to be strong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Karmacharm Posted April 28, 2015 Author Share Posted April 28, 2015 You never had the talk about what would happen if you BOTH left our spouses? That's strange, given the fact that he's been in the process of D. Wouldn't that subject come up automatically in a situation like that? What exactly is it that disappoints you? That he never asked about your M? Why didn't you bring it up then? Apparently it's something that you WANTED to discuss, right? Maybe he was waiting for you to be more proactive, since he already dealt with his situation proactively? Just a thought. Yes, we had the talk and we would say "when" not "if" about our lives together. I thought things were laid out for us and then one day he was all flustered about work and he said goodbye. I tried to talk to him about it, but he was disconnected from me already. I was truly stunned. Talk about breaking my heart. I think (and I can only surmise this) he realized he was going to be free, and wanted to be free (dating, etc.) but the WAY he did this was so mean. How can someone love you so much, and then poof, gone? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 So he used you as an exit affair? Makes me wonder if there is another OW he was involved with or as you say, he just wanted to be free completely. He is a jerk, so try not to waste too many tears on him. You should still divorce your husband, since you were planning on building a new life with someone else. Please let your H go, he deserves to be with someone who loves only him. Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 Read Romeo and Juliet. 'Star-crossed lovers.' Link to post Share on other sites
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