Youngpharm Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 (edited) My wife and I got married about a year after high school. No kids but we were so in love. We've lived together for about three years at this point. While in high school my wife dated a guy much older who promised her the world and then broke her heart. Recently we've been having problems. We get into arguments and she says things like she doesn't deserve me and we are not right for each other. We have both poured out hearts into our marriage but it sounds like she just wants to give up. Not only that but she also recently confessed that she has never stopped thinking about him even though she hasn't been in contact with him. She keeps wondering what could have been with him. She wants to take some time apart and i think she is even contemplating separation even though she says she still loves me and hopes for a future with me. What I am afraid of is that if we take some time apart she will take that opportunity to reconnect with him and leave me. I'm in college and close to a high paying career and she wants to be a stay at home mother to beautiful children. If she goes with him everything will be up in the air. He doesn't have a stable job or living arrangement and no prospect on the future. After everything we have been through and everything we have accomplished I am not ready to let her go. I don't know what to do to save our marriage. I know that if we fix this, this time, we can make it forever. I just don't know what to do. Edited April 28, 2015 by Youngpharm Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 One thing you do NOT want to do is separate . Either get therapy and keep talking or prepare for divorce .' If you read these forums you will find out that when a wife wants "space", there is usually another man involved or will be shortly . She is talking to you about another man , and if he is geographically anywhere near you or she knows where he is, she might just use this "space"'to reconnect I'm not sure if you can stay married or not with the limited information in your thread but separating and giving her space to do what she wants without you around is not a great idea in my opinion 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 The first year of marriage is the hardest. It's the biggest adjustment period even if you've lived together for a long while. I remember having a bit of a freak out panic attack type thing when I realized "Holy Chit, I'm married to this man. I am never going to do XYZ. I am never going to have sex with anyone else. This is it. This is my life." We had a child together and were living together for more than a year before we married. Still hit me pretty hard after we married. Maybe your wife has something similar going on. Maybe she is seeing all of the possible paths her life could have taken and is realizing that those possibilities are gone because she made the choice to get married. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 Marriage counseling. You two need a plan to work through this & you are unlikely to develop one without professional input. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 My wife and I got married about a year after high school. Wow that's young. Not sure how you deal with the fact that, as you move into your 20's and beyond, most people change in significant and profound ways. Unless you two are very connected in terms of goals and values, just seems inevitable you'd grow apart. Have you asked her directly if reconnecting with this other guy is in her plans? The realist in me says you may have to let her go and hope for the best. She'll have to decide who and what she wants and you'll have your own decisions to make as to how patient you'll want to be. Tough situation, my sympathies... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 You'll hear a wide range of advice and pointers in the upcoming days. As you sift through it you'll notice many common trends. One them will be that whenever a wife wants a "break" or a separation, it's so she can try someone else on for size but keep you hanging on and waiting on the shelf in case the other person doesn't work out. To avoid that you need to adopt an 'all in or all out' philosophy. Meaning you both either put 100% focus and effort into working on the marriage or 100% focus and effort on divorcing and both of you moving on. No gray or middle ground. She's either in or she's out. Accept nothing in the middle. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Youngpharm Posted April 28, 2015 Author Share Posted April 28, 2015 I honestly thought we would be the exception to the whole young couples don't work out. We were so determined to make it work but she is taking our efforts as a sort of creating a fake us to make each other happy. She feels like she can't let him go unless she discovers whether it was love back then or just being a silly teenager. Thank you everyone for the advice. I really needed to hear it all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lion Heart Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 Dear young, It's a very sad and difficult situation for you. I'm gonna tell you I'm 49yo. I got engaged at 18yo and M at 20yo. It's what my H wanted and what my family and his both wanted. I kept saying to them all that I loved bf / fiancée / H (yep all those years) but I was too young to commit. I felt like I was on a river and had no control. I was too young and afraid of the consequences of losing him and our families. As it turned out I was just on H checklist of things to do. 1. Get married. 2. Have her live out my dreams etc. I was a pawn. I left. Not for OM but for myself. I never looked back. I'm not saying your W has the same issues but she just could feel that she's part of YOUR plan. She sounds like she has GIGS but IDK. If I were you, I'd give it a fixed time. Say 1 year (if you have that long). I'd show her in every way possible how much she means to you. Ask her about her dreams and fantasies. Try to fulfill some of them. Then make sure she knows you love her enough to let her go. Make sure she also understands 100% that you will NOT wait for her (even if you think you'd wait 1000y!). Also let her know that it would be unfair of her to expect you to wait. File for D and my friend live your life. She needs to KNOW a) how much you love her as your W and b) the consequences of her actions. That's possibly the best I could suggest. Good luck. Lion Heart. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Vercetti Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 So she is in love with a fantasy. Let her go for it, really begging your wife to focus on you is a bad spot to be. Perhaps therapy for you two, just want to go to a third party longer then the duration of the relationship? Most of the time it just seems to be denile, just like space and a separation. If she double talks and is indecisive and your not happy, maybe just make the decision she doesn't have the balls to. I'm just one voice here...just if you start being pushed to jump through hoops for some magic solution for your wife to put you and the relationship first.....well. Think your wife would tolerate you pining for some loser ex and wanting " space " to think? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 Well, your last post made it clear. She has actually flat out told you shrine going to be going out with another man . I don't know what other advice you can get but to see an attorney and dissolve the marriage . Your only alternative is to let her go have her affair and sit there and wait to see if you are PLan B. And by the way, if she comes back , she then knows she can do it again 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 What she is saying is that she is still in love with the OM. She may love you but she is still in love with him. I would definitely let her go. I highly doubt I would want her back if things didn't work out with her former lover. How old is the OM? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Carson Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 Recently we've been having problems. We get into arguments and she says things like she doesn't deserve me and we are not right for each other. We have both poured out hearts into our marriage but it sounds like she just wants to give up. Not only that but she also recently confessed that she has never stopped thinking about him even though she hasn't been in contact with him. She keeps wondering what could have been with him. She wants to take some time apart and i think she is even contemplating separation even though she says she still loves me and hopes for a future with me. She can't have both don't let her. You've been given some good advice here, I feel for you it's a tough spot your in. Link to post Share on other sites
Wondering33 Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 I was married right out of highschool also & we've gone through hell & back. Defiantly go to a marriage counselor! I wish in the beginning we had done that. The first year of marriage is extremely rough & being a young just adds to that. It's hard being a young wife at home, none of your friends are married, life slows down, while you're watching everyone else be carefree, you get down & start thinking maybe this isn't a good idea, it's cold feet after the wedding. If you love each other, you do have a chance. My husband & I did not handle things right & hurt each other a lot!... but our history & love for each other saved us. When either one of us tried to give up the other wouldn't allow it. These threads can very helpful but also remember there are a lot of jaded people on here that will say just walk away, marriage can be work, it was never intended to be a fairytale. Good luck! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 (edited) She feels like she can't let him go unless she discovers whether it was love back then or just being a silly teenager. The fact that she told you this explains why she wants to separate. Many cheaters try to use separating as a tool to allow them to date while married, but they only get to do this if their spouse allows this. Make it clear to your wife that if she separates and starts seeing other men, that the marriage is over. Tell her that you will not be her back up plan as she explores her options with other men including her ex-boyfriend. That she does not get to date other men and have you wait around as her Plan B. Say this with conviction and strength and mean it. Truthfully, you do not know this but you have other options too. In high school the numbers are on women's side because they can date from their school and can also date older men not in their school (like your wife did). Practically speaking high school boys do not date older women, thus in high school there are more men chasing women then there are women. This starts to flip in college since women currently out number men in college by approximately 60% to 40%. If you take out the foreign students which are male dominated, then american women outnumber american men by an even greater percentage. What I am telling you is that if she separates and starts seeing other men, that divorce will not leave you alone for very long. There are other women in your college that seem more mature than your wife that would be happy to consider you as their Plan A and not their Plan B. Divorce may hurt, but at your young age, with your bright future, and with no children, you do not have to put up with being treated the way that your wife is currently treating you now. You can divorce and both explore your options, and if you both determine later that you want to get back together again, you can. Edited April 28, 2015 by Try 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 She feels like she can't let him go unless she discovers whether it was love back then or just being a silly teenager. This is the part where her youth and immaturity extracts a toll. It could easily have been love (or at the least the high school version) back then but a more experienced person wouldn't let that emotion preclude love for you now. Bottom line, she's too young and inexperienced to know what she wants. So your choices are simple though both have their challenges - wait it out or move on with your life without her. Were I a betting man, I'd guess the latter course has more chance of long-term success. You just have to get through the short-term pain ... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 like everyone else suggested, do NOT split up, even for a short time. no good can come from that. maybe you can give her more space living at home. marriages go in cycles....they are not all beer and skittles. you soldier thru the rough times, and enjoy the good times. you have a short term rough patch to get through, that is all. WORK at it, get some professional help, and things will be rosey again in no time. Link to post Share on other sites
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