Pablee Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 (edited) Hi all, Here's my story: I started going out with my current girlfriend 9 years ago. We are both in our 40s. It hasn't always been a smooth relationship but we both feel we have something special that keeps us together through thick and thin. Before we met she was more sexually experienced than I. My previous relationships have always been very long-term so I haven't had many partners in my life. Because of this I had always wondered what it would be like to have a one-night stand with a complete stranger (she has had this before we met), and 3 years ago while I was on holiday with a mate this happened after a night of heavy drinking. The next day I was riddled with extreme guilt but I couldn't bring myself to tell my partner. Her father cheated on her mother many times when she was young and eventually abandoned them to be with someone else. My girlfriend has never forgiven her father and has told me she hates cheating so much and she would never forgive anyone who cheated on her. Because of this I decided to shoulder the guilt and not cause her any pain, but this caused me emotional problems. I couldn't look her in the eyes, and felt ashamed when we were together. I became cold and she couldn't understand why and became unhappy. 8 months after cheating I decided the right thing to do was to break up with her, because I felt I mustn't love her enough or I wouldn't have cheated. Several months later she phoned me one night to tell me how much she missed me and could I call round to her house for a chat. The truth is I missed her too. We met up a few times as friends and eventually we fell in love again. A year on things have been good and we are talking about marriage and stuff, but my one-night stand is still playing on my conscience, though not as much as before. I know I can shoulder the guilt now but is that the right thing to do? Part of me wants to be honest and confess before we did get married, so that she knows absolutely everything about me and doesn't think I'm a perfect angel. But part of me knows it would hurt her so much and could spell the end of our relationship. Thanks for reading this, and any advice will be most welcome. Edited April 28, 2015 by Pablee Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 Congratulations, you have a relationship that is built on lies and deceit. Is this what you always dreamed of when you were growing up? To be hiding a huge secret from your future wife? To have a skeleton in the closet like this, that could quite easily cause a divorce and destroy your future kids lives? Yeah, if you want an honest and open relationship based on trust and respect then you need to confess your sin. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PogoStick Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 No, it's not a relationship built on lies and deceit. It's a normal relationship with ONE lie, regarding cheating, mixed in. There are a thousand other lies built into every relationship. Like when you said she didn't look fat, or you liked her new (horrible) haircut. Or when she said she didn't care you're shorter, or that you didn't make much money (of course she cares). Or when you pretended to care about the stupid gossip going on at her work. etc... If you think 9 years of a relationship is all defined by a single relatively harmless night, (that's 1 out of 3000 nights) the you have a pretty poopy relationship. If you can truly shed the guilt then you enjoy a great relationship and never tell her. If all you can do is "shoulder the guilt" then you tell her what happened and why you broke up the first time. Then you let her decide if you can both move past it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 Before we met she was more sexually experienced than I. My previous relationships have always been very long-term so I haven't had many partners in my life. Because of this I had always wondered what it would be like to have a one-night stand with a complete stranger (she has had this before we met), and 3 years ago while I was on holiday with a mate this happened after a night of heavy drinking. Does your mate know about the ONS? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 How can you possibly compare a night of drunken sex with a complete stranger, to a little white lie about her looking fat or her haircut? Do you really think they are comparable? And really you just described cheating as "a single relatively harmless night"? If that's the case then why not tell her? Let her be the judge of whether it's "relatively harmless" or not. Really PogoStick I find your response totally baffling. It seems like you have no experience of real, adult relationships if you think cheating can be swept under the rug and ignored so easily. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pablee Posted April 28, 2015 Author Share Posted April 28, 2015 Congratulations, you have a relationship that is built on lies and deceit. Is this what you always dreamed of when you were growing up? To be hiding a huge secret from your future wife? To have a skeleton in the closet like this, that could quite easily cause a divorce and destroy your future kids lives? Yeah, if you want an honest and open relationship based on trust and respect then you need to confess your sin. I don't agree that the relationship is built on lies and deceit. We were together for 6 years and had a relationship that was built on love and lots of other good things. But I do agree that now I have lied and been deceitful and that one mistake could potentially destroy everything. So part of me thinks you are right, that I need to confess now and see how she reacts. Yet, what if by confessing I lose the woman I love? And undoubtedly it will cause her so much pain and grief and is that not just as selfish as bearing the shame myself? I don't know... We all slip up, some are worse than others - your reply does seem a bit harsh and judgmental but I appreciate your challenging response. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pablee Posted April 28, 2015 Author Share Posted April 28, 2015 Does your mate know about the ONS? No-one else knows. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 I don't agree that the relationship is built on lies and deceit. You lie to her every time you talk and don't tell her what you have done. A lie of omission is still a lie. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pablee Posted April 28, 2015 Author Share Posted April 28, 2015 No, it's not a relationship built on lies and deceit. It's a normal relationship with ONE lie, regarding cheating, mixed in. There are a thousand other lies built into every relationship. Like when you said she didn't look fat, or you liked her new (horrible) haircut. Or when she said she didn't care you're shorter, or that you didn't make much money (of course she cares). Or when you pretended to care about the stupid gossip going on at her work. etc... If you think 9 years of a relationship is all defined by a single relatively harmless night, (that's 1 out of 3000 nights) the you have a pretty poopy relationship. If you can truly shed the guilt then you enjoy a great relationship and never tell her. If all you can do is "shoulder the guilt" then you tell her what happened and why you broke up the first time. Then you let her decide if you can both move past it. Thanks for the reply. I agree that our relationship is much bigger than my one mistake, although it was a terrible thing to do in my opinion. I do think it is possible given enough time I can let go of the guilt. I really don't think it would happen again - I'm not a serial cheater and have firmly decided that in the future if I felt desire for another woman I would be honest with my girlfriend. Yet, part of me wonders if I did confess and she could cope, it would strengthen us more than ever. But in all honesty, I think she wouldn't be able to cope and would end things. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pablee Posted April 28, 2015 Author Share Posted April 28, 2015 You lie to her every time you talk and don't tell her what you have done. A lie of omission is still a lie. Do you think so? Do you mind if I ask are you in a relationship? If so, do you tell your partner absolutely every single negative thought you have? Or tell when you see another person and think they are attractive? Just wondering, that's all. I've never met anyone before who I have thought about marrying, and I'm still learning about how I should be with a potential wife. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 (edited) I think she wouldn't be able to cope and would end things. Well don't you think that should be her decision? She should be able to choose whether to continue the relationship or not based on the facts. You making the choice for her, and trying to justify it as protecting her from the truth, is totally unfair and bogus. This thread is about you, not me. A negative thought or finding someone else attractive is a totally different ball park than cheating. Stop grasping at straws. Edited April 28, 2015 by PegNosePete 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pablee Posted April 28, 2015 Author Share Posted April 28, 2015 Well don't you think that should be her decision? She should be able to choose whether to continue the relationship or not based on the facts. You making the choice for her, and trying to justify it as protecting her from the truth, is totally unfair and bogus. This thread is about you, not me. A negative thought or finding someone else attractive is a totally different ball park than cheating. Stop grasping at straws. I see what you are saying but I don't think things are as black and white, or as simplistic as you make out. Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to justify myself and many times I have thought exactly like you do - that it's unfair to keep the secret from her and I should just tell her and let her decide. I almost did tell her a few days ago. But then I began to think of a few scenarios. What if I didn't tell her, I never cheated again and we ended up having a wonderful life together. But what if I did tell her, she was heart-broken, ended the relationship, and never could trust another man her whole life and ended up feeling unhappy and alone? This happened to my aunt, so it's not an impossible outcome. Which would be the worst outcome of the two? (Of course there are other possible outcomes but I'm thinking about these two). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 You have to confess. To build a relationship on a lie is wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 If she had cheated on you 3 years ago in a ONS, would you want to now know? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pablee Posted April 28, 2015 Author Share Posted April 28, 2015 You have to confess. To build a relationship on a lie is wrong. In a moral sense I agree. But it will emotionally destroy her, I'm sure of that. I would rather just end the relationship and not cause her that amount of pain. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pablee Posted April 28, 2015 Author Share Posted April 28, 2015 If she had cheated on you 3 years ago in a ONS, would you want to now know? That's a hard question for me to answer. If it was possible I would never ever find out, and we had a great life together, then I'm not sure. If I would find out later when we were married, either from her or another person, then yes I would like to know now. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 Two can play that game. What if you tell her, she forgives you and you have a much happier life than you would if you were holding this dark secret? What if you didn't tell her, you get married, have 3 kids. But you slip up one day and she finds out the truth. She has a revenge affair and contracts HIV, passes it on to you. She divorces you and turns to drink and drugs to cope. Your kids end up without a mother and a father with AIDS. We can play this game all day. Life is full of maybe's and what if's, you can't possibly live your life based on them. You just have to try to do what's right. And in this situation it is pretty clear what is right and what is wrong. Marrying someone with such a big secret is wrong. Yes, it's black and white. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pablee Posted April 28, 2015 Author Share Posted April 28, 2015 You just have to try to do what's right. And in this situation it is pretty clear what is right and what is wrong. Marrying someone with such a big secret is wrong. Yes, it's black and white. Perhaps you are right. I shall certainly take on board what you have said, and thankyou for your time. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 But then I began to think of a few scenarios. What if I didn't tell her, I never cheated again and we ended up having a wonderful life together. But what if I did tell her, she was heart-broken, ended the relationship, and never could trust another man her whole life and ended up feeling unhappy and alone? This happened to my aunt, so it's not an impossible outcome. I think some have single ONSs in relationships and they never give them a second thought, they simply forget about them and carry on regardless. The problem you have, is that this is a big thing for you and the guilt is eating you up. I am guessing that at some point you are going to blurt this out, and that is why you should probably tell her before you get married. Better now than another 5 years down the line. Living with hidden bad guilt is going to affect your relationship adversely I would think. Of course you could just make a determined effort to get over your guilt and truly put it to bed forever, which would mean she never ever finds out and if you have no intention of ever cheating again, then win win. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pablee Posted April 28, 2015 Author Share Posted April 28, 2015 Of course you could just make a determined effort to get over your guilt and truly put it to bed forever, which would mean she never ever finds out and if you have no intention of ever cheating again, then win win. Before we broke up I couldn't deal with the guilt. But after we got back together again I began to see the relationship as a new thing (and it is in many ways - we are closer now than ever). In the process I feel given enough time I could let go of the guilt and find happiness with her. So, this is my dilemma. P.S. when we had broken up we had no contact for months, so the relationship was really over in my mind. During this time she had a date with another man although it didn't lead anywhere and they didn't have sex. I also had a date with another woman who liked me but again nothing physical happened as I knew it wouldn't go anywhere. We have both told each other this - don't know if it makes a difference. Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 I think you have two options, given that you KNOW she has issues with cheating. They are: break up with her and keep your secret, or tell her and let her decide if she wants to continue If it were me, I wouldn't tell. BUT, that's because my wife and I have discussed the issue and agreed that we would NOT want to know about a one-time ONS that did not lead to anything else, and that would never be repeated. The key here is that we've made an agreement. Also, we've - presumably - never cheated on each other. I know I haven't cheated. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pablee Posted April 28, 2015 Author Share Posted April 28, 2015 If it were me, I wouldn't tell. BUT, that's because my wife and I have discussed the issue and agreed that we would NOT want to know about a one-time ONS that did not lead to anything else, and that would never be repeated. The key here is that we've made an agreement. Also, we've - presumably - never cheated on each other. I know I haven't cheated. That's interesting. I wonder if I should casually bring the issue up in conversation and ask her would she want to know if in the future I had a one-off ONS would she want to know, then let her response influence my decision. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 In a moral sense I agree. But it will emotionally destroy her, I'm sure of that. I would rather just end the relationship and not cause her that amount of pain. If you cheating is going to emotionally destroy her then just flat out dumping her is more then likely going to cause a similar amount of damage. You do need to tell her, she is an adult...she WILL get over it. Even if you break up with her..she deserves to know the truth. Trust me when I say if she knows you are a slimeball cheater it will make it easier for her to get over you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 That's interesting. I wonder if I should casually bring the issue up in conversation and ask her would she want to know if in the future I had a one-off ONS would she want to know, then let her response influence my decision. OK but sirens are going to go off in her head there, Central is in an open relationship, so he and his wife have necessarily discussed such eventualities. Bringing up the subject of ONSs and "How would you feel?" to your wife will make her very insecure and suspicious, I would guess 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 Look don't play games with her, don't do "what if's". Also if my partner ever asked me if I'd ever want to know about it if she ever cheated..well, she wouldn't be my partner anymore. The answer should be common sense and not one you need to ask unless they have told you they wouldn't want to know without any provocation on your part. You had a ONS, it wouldn't of happened if you truly loved this girl, so just set her free. If you aren't going to man up and confess, just dump her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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