One-night stand

[JohnsonBaby]

If you confess you ll lose her .Dont tell anyone and never ever tell her unless you want to lose her . That's what smart people IRL do.

[No Limit]

Tell her that you cheated and then break up again. This goes nowhere and the "magic spark" holding you together is co-dependency.

 

That's what smart people IRL do.

 

Smartness isn't the same as deceiving. Smart people can accept it when their relationship has run its course and break up instead of acting up.

[ascendotum]

You had a ONS, it wouldn't of happened if you truly loved this girl, so just set her free. If you aren't going to man up and confess, just dump her.

 

For a lot of people when its comes to cheating it very B&W and it seems the worst thing ever in dating/relationships...far worse than emotional abuse,or emotional neglect, gambling or booze addition, or being lazy, withholding or using sex as a bargaining chip, uncaring parent, or telling other lies, etc. In this situation where a person has very little relationship/sex experience and they are with a person who had a fair bit more, there are other motives at work, than I don't love my partner so I'll find it elsewhere. No one wants to be cheated on at all, but in the scheme of true love & emotional attachment a drunken ONS is about the best scenario.

 

I tend to agree with Pogo. I cant ague its not selfish not informing her, but it has also given her much happiness the 2nd time around. You did do the right thing the first time and broke up with her. I felt if you were going to confess the best time was when she re-connected with you and you explained why you broke up. If you feel you can't keep the secret for the rest of your life, then tell her know, as imo it is unfair to announce if after she marries you.

[PogoStick]

you need to drop that zero and get yoself a hero. mhmm thaz right *finger snap*

[Spectre]

For a lot of people when its comes to cheating it very B&W and it seems the worst thing ever in dating/relationships...far worse than emotional abuse,or emotional neglect, gambling or booze addition, or being lazy, withholding or using sex as a bargaining chip, uncaring parent, or telling other lies, etc.

 

Cheating is a form of emotional abuse. Also here is the thing, those other problems you listed are bad, but the problem is none of those things will obliterate trust as much as cheating. On top of that, trust lost as a result of cheating is the hardest to get back. Gambling or being lazy isn't going to cause your partner to have triggers that cause flashes of you cheating on them, etc.

 

In this situation where a person has very little relationship/sex experience and they are with a person who had a fair bit more, there are other motives at work, than I don't love my partner so I'll find it elsewhere. No one wants to be cheated on at all, but in the scheme of true love & emotional attachment a drunken ONS is about the best scenario.

 

You misunderstand. I'm not saying he said to himself that he doesn't love his partner and thus is going to cheat. I'm not saying he planned to have a ONS stand. However, actions speak louder then words. A person who loves their partner does not behave this way. Having very little experience with sex is no reason to cheat.

 

This guy says they were together for a long time, so even if prior to her he had little to no experience..he should have plenty now. Unless you are saying the problem isn't too little experience with sex, but too little experience with sex with other people. To which, again, people who love their partner do not pout because they haven't screwed enough strangers. They realize there is more to life then how many people in total you porked.

 

Not everything is life is black and white, not everything is simple. But cheating is one of the few things that is beautifully simple and black and white. There are just some lines a person doesn't cross, no matter what happens. There is no good excuse for cheating, there is no "best scenario". Saying a drunken ONS is the best scenario is like saying cat poop tastes better then dog poop.

[Pablee]

For a lot of people when its comes to cheating it very B&W and it seems the worst thing ever in dating/relationships...far worse than emotional abuse,or emotional neglect, gambling or booze addition, or being lazy, withholding or using sex as a bargaining chip, uncaring parent, or telling other lies, etc. In this situation where a person has very little relationship/sex experience and they are with a person who had a fair bit more, there are other motives at work, than I don't love my partner so I'll find it elsewhere. No one wants to be cheated on at all, but in the scheme of true love & emotional attachment a drunken ONS is about the best scenario.

 

I tend to agree with Pogo. I cant ague its not selfish not informing her, but it has also given her much happiness the 2nd time around. You did do the right thing the first time and broke up with her. I felt if you were going to confess the best time was when she re-connected with you and you explained why you broke up. If you feel you can't keep the secret for the rest of your life, then tell her know, as imo it is unfair to announce if after she marries you.

 

Thankyou for being understanding. Despite what other people think on this thread I'm not a coward to tell her, I DO love her, and yes I was a slimeball at the time but it was out of character. People like to cast the first stone on these forums and when you look for understanding but get a lot of judgmental digs thrown at you it can be disheartening. I don't need people to tell me what I did was wrong I know full well.

 

BUT, I have heard of other couples who went through similar problems and came through in the end to enjoy a long and happy life together. You can't judge someone's love for another, especially a complete stranger, by reading a few words on the internet. But then I imagine a lot of these people have been hurt too, so I don't really blame them.

 

I'm not afraid to tell her for my sake, but because I do love her and see how happy she is, I am finding it difficult to destroy her happiness, especially when I feel I could build a future with her. If I believed what others have written on here then I would do the right thing and break up with her, but they don't really understand how I feel about her.

[Pablee]

This goes nowhere and the "magic spark" holding you together is co-dependency.

 

No, you are wrong on that.

[Space Ritual]

Really PogoStick I find your response totally baffling. It seems like you have no experience of real, adult relationships if you think cheating can be swept under the rug and ignored so easily.

 

 

LOL...He's from Iowa, that's all you need to know.

[No Limit]

Thankyou for being understanding. Despite what other people think on this thread I'm not a coward to tell her, I DO love her, and yes I was a slimeball at the time but it was out of character. People like to cast the first stone on these forums and when you look for understanding but get a lot of judgmental digs thrown at you it can be disheartening. I don't need people to tell me what I did was wrong I know full well.

 

BUT, I have heard of other couples who went through similar problems and came through in the end to enjoy a long and happy life together. You can't judge someone's love for another, especially a complete stranger, by reading a few words on the internet. But then I imagine a lot of these people have been hurt too, so I don't really blame them.

 

I'm not afraid to tell her for my sake, but because I do love her and see how happy she is, I am finding it difficult to destroy her happiness, especially when I feel I could build a future with her. If I believed what others have written on here then I would do the right thing and break up with her, but they don't really understand how I feel about her.

 

Just because you won't be a serial cheater but rather the type that goes for it when the opportunity arrives doesn't mean it makes it less bad. You are taking the decision from your GF if she wants to stay with you when the whole illusion of perfect relationship is replaced by the real deal. Building something with someone who trusts you blindly and is easily manipulated does sound like a good deal for you though, so by all means, you can't deny at least some selfishness from your part. At the very least don't bring children into this mess.

[ascendotum]

There is no good excuse for cheating, there is no "best scenario". Saying a drunken ONS is the best scenario is like saying cat poop tastes better then dog poop.

 

On here + in conversations I've/heard IRL, for many women an on-going affair hurts more then a ons. If the guy was wining & dining and buying jewelery and taking the OW on trips and writing her mushy love emails the infidelity cuts deeper because its on a deeper emotional level than just a **** & forget shag with a bimbo.

For a young guy, discovering that his gf did a drunken ONS is probably not worse or less then discovering she had had an affair with her boss for the last 2 yrs. For an older long term married guy he could maybe forgive a drunken encounter at xmas party by his wife after a fight more so then finding out his wife had been bonking his jerk neighbor or one of his friends for the past 5 yrs. Its going to depend on the person.

[PegNosePete]

I'm not afraid to tell her for my sake, but because I do love her and see how happy she is

Riiiight, you're keeping this huge secret for her sake. Nothing to do with saving your own ass.

 

And I am flying on my pink unicorn to buy some cloud dust for the party with the pixies later.

 

I am finding it difficult to destroy her happiness

If you destroyed her happiness, you did it when you cheated. Not when you admit what you've already done! The "destroying" is already done. It just remains to find out what the consequences of that will be.

 

It's not fair for you to single-handedly decide the fate of your relationship and what your own punishment should be. She has a big say in that. Maybe we should start asking prisoners what their own punishment should be, rather than having a judge??

[Pablee]

Riiiight, you're keeping this huge secret for her sake. Nothing to do with saving your own ass.

 

If you destroyed her happiness, you did it when you cheated. Not when you admit what you've already done! The "destroying" is already done. It just remains to find out what the consequences of that will be.

 

It's not fair for you to single-handedly decide the fate of your relationship and what your own punishment should be. She has a big say in that. Maybe we should start asking prisoners what their own punishment should be, rather than having a judge??

 

 

You're being over the top Pete, but I understand that must have something to do with your own divorce. But your situation is not mine. I am not married, engaged, or even living with her - we both have our own places.

 

So my situation is not comparable to yours. I haven't destroyed her happiness at all, if anything it's my own happiness I've wrecked. And I don't need to save my own ass, I am free to walk away from this relationship without any consequences other than emotional hurt. And yes I know what that is like. My first girlfriend cheated on me - one day after an argument I called round to her house with flowers and she was getting intimate with another man.

 

I haven't committed a crime or done anything remotely illegal, so to compare me to a prisoner is ridiculous. You're free to criticize and be as sarcastic as you want, but I came here for help and guidance so I guess we don't have much more to say to each other.

[Pablee]

Just because you won't be a serial cheater but rather the type that goes for it when the opportunity arrives doesn't mean it makes it less bad. You are taking the decision from your GF if she wants to stay with you when the whole illusion of perfect relationship is replaced by the real deal. Building something with someone who trusts you blindly and is easily manipulated does sound like a good deal for you though, so by all means, you can't deny at least some selfishness from your part. At the very least don't bring children into this mess.

 

I am not that opportunistic type either nor sex mad. On two occasions before my crime (as Pete would call it) I had the chance to cheat with other women and turned them down, not because I wasn't attracted to them, but because I believed I loved my girlfriend and wouldn't betray her. And when I had broken up with my GF, two months later I was offered sex by another and turned it down also.

 

On this other occasion I really don't know why I gave in to temptation, and believe me I've been punishing myself for it ever since. I never want to feel that bad again by cheating.

Edited April 29, 2015 by Pablee

[PegNosePete]

My first girlfriend cheated on me

And how would you have felt if you didn't find out until you were married with 3 kids? Oh wait you already answered that:

If I would find out later when we were married, either from her or another person, then yes I would like to know now.

So don't you think your current gf would also like to know? Or is it a case of what's good for the goose is not good for the gander?

 

I came here for help and guidance

Really? Seems to me that you came here to seek justification for keeping your sordid secret, and keeping your future wife blissfully unaware of your actions.

[Pablee]

And how would you have felt if you didn't find out until you were married with 3 kids? Oh wait you already answered that:

 

So don't you think your current gf would also like to know? Or is it a case of what's good for the goose is not good for the gander?

 

 

Really? Seems to me that you came here to seek justification for keeping your sordid secret, and keeping your future wife blissfully unaware of your actions.

 

You forget I said that if there was no chance I would find out in the future if my wife had cheated on me in the past, then I wasn't sure if I would want to know now. If it never came to light, she never did it again, and we were blissfully happy together, why would I really want to know?

 

It's not an easy situation and different moral philosophies would handle things in different ways, e.g.

 

1. Natural Law Ethics says truth must always be told.

2. Utilitarianism says do what produces the greatest amount of happiness.

3. Situational Ethics looks at each problem individually and attempts to find the best solution.

 

So, while you are obviously someone who thinks Natural Law morality is the only way forward, there are other philosophies that might suggest a different approach.

Edited April 29, 2015 by Pablee

[PegNosePete]

You forget I said that if there was no chance I would find out in the future if my wife had cheated on me in the past, then I wasn't sure if I would want to know now.

And you really think there is NO chance she will find out?

 

You're never going to get drunk with her and accidentally blow your secret? You're never going to let something slip out to one of your mates or family? Come on man. It's impossible to say she will never find out. In fact chances are that one day, she will. And on that day you will be wishing you had done the right thing today.

 

If you want to justify your actions using whatever "morality" system you want then go right ahead.

[Pablee]

And you really think there is NO chance she will find out?

 

You're never going to get drunk with her and accidentally blow your secret? You're never going to let something slip out to one of your mates or family? Come on man. It's impossible to say she will never find out. In fact chances are that one day, she will. And on that day you will be wishing you had done the right thing today.

 

If you want to justify your actions using whatever "morality" system you want then go right ahead.

 

Pete... I haven't decided anything yet. I'm not trying to justify keeping a sordid secret because I haven't decided yet to keep that secret. And I AM taking on board what you are saying and thinking about it, but I wish you would be less antagonistic in your responses, there's no need.

 

I'm torn as to what to do. That's why I have asked for advice. And the main reason I brought up the moral systems is just to highlight the fact there is not always just one right answer to moral dilemmas. Many people tend to think the answers are clear cut, and that right is right and wrong is wrong. But if one never takes the time to consider other ethical viewpoints, or inform oneself of them, then one's thinking is rather naive and simplistic.

 

So I believe the discussions we are having on here are important for me. And at the end I may agree with you and tell her, but as yet I haven't reached that point.

 

I know you don't like "what if" scenarios, but they help me, so please indulge this one.

 

You have been married for 30 years and are now on your deathbed. Your wife, whom you love dearly, tells you what a wonderful life she has had with you and it was the best thing ever. You pass away peacefully and in bliss.

 

However, 24 years ago your wife slipped up and had a ONS with a complete stranger in a different country that she bitterly regretted but decided to put it behind her and devote herself to the marriage, even if keeping that secret was wrong. You never did find out.

 

Scenario 2:

 

Your wife decides that she has to come clean before you pass away and confesses her guilt on your deathbed. You die in sadness.

 

Which was the right thing for your wife to do here? Being honest at the end, or making sure you were happy?

 

 

Ignoring other options (such as she should have come clean right away), which would you say is the right thing to do?

 

I'm not applying this scenario to my situation, but want to highlight the fact that moral dilemmas are not always easy to resolve.

Edited April 29, 2015 by Pablee

[Pablee]

OK but sirens are going to go off in her head there, Central is in an open relationship, so he and his wife have necessarily discussed such eventualities.

Bringing up the subject of ONSs and "How would you feel?" to your wife will make her very insecure and suspicious, I would guess

 

Update: I found an ingenious way of bringing the topic up in discussion with my girlfriend in such a way that she would not be suspicious at all.

 

Her responses:

 

She said that if a couple were truly in love, she believed they might be able to weather the storm of a one-off ONS.

 

She said she could never keep such a secret herself as her guilt would overwhelm her.

 

In response to the question of whether or not she would want to know if a one-off ONS happened in the past if there was no chance of ever finding out, she said she wasn't sure, it was something she would have to think about.

[ExpatInItaly]

Update: I found an ingenious way of bringing the topic up in discussion with my girlfriend in such a way that she would not be suspicious at all.

 

Her responses:

 

She said that if a couple were truly in love, she believed they might be able to weather the storm of a one-off ONS.

 

She said she could never keep such a secret herself as her guilt would overwhelm her.

 

In response to the question of whether or not she would want to know if a one-off ONS happened in the past if there was no chance of ever finding out, she said she wasn't sure, it was something she would have to think about.

 

You have to be joking. You found a sneaky way of getting her to more or less justify keeping your secret. Believe me, I can nearly guarantee she would be singing a different tune if she found out the cheating man in this scenario is you, and that you took a giant crap on your relationship with her. I have been in her shoes.

 

Give her the power to decide if she wants you after she learns you had sex with someone else. You aren't giving her that option right now. Tell her.

[Pablee]

You have to be joking. You found a sneaky way of getting her to more or less justify keeping your secret. Believe me, I can nearly guarantee she would be singing a different tune if she found out the cheating man in this scenario is you, and that you took a giant crap on your relationship with her. I have been in her shoes.

 

Give her the power to decide if she wants you after she learns you had sex with someone else. You aren't giving her that option right now. Tell her.

 

Joking about what? Did I say I was looking for justification to keep my secret?

 

No.

 

Stop jumping to false conclusions.

 

I wanted to know, first and foremost, if she thinks it is possible to forgive someone who cheated. Now I know she does think it is possible, it has made me think EVEN more that I will tell her.

[ExpatInItaly]

Joking about what? Did I say I was looking for justification to keep my secret?

 

No.

 

Stop jumping to false conclusions.

 

I wanted to know, first and foremost, if she thinks it is possible to forgive someone who cheated. Now I know she does think it is possible, it has made me think EVEN more that I will tell her.

 

Then man up and do it already. Stop looking for reasons and just do it.

 

I say you are looking for justification because you first wanted to know if she could possibly forgive a cheater. You didn't just come out and be honest with her, and risk the possibility of her dumping your cheating butt. You only feel secure telling her because you now think your relationship will survive? What if she had said she couldn't get over your cheating? You would've very likely have kept your secret. Otherwise, you wouldn't have come up with this "ingenious" way of getting her thoughts.

 

That is why I made this assumption. It's based on your words and behaviour.

[Pablee]

And another thing, some people on here keep harping on about giving her the power to decide. In theory I might agree but you have to remember by giving her that power I am also giving her immense pain.

 

No-one who is in favour of telling her has yet to present a strong argument, from a logical and philosophical point of view, why inflicting that pain on her is the best option if she would never ever find out. All I am getting are emotional answers by people who have been so hurt themselves they aren't able to consider the whole picture.

 

If I thought for one moment that I would eventually cheat again and wreck the relationship then I would certainly tell her right away. But as it is I am trying to find justification not for keeping the secret, but justification for telling her and hurting her so much.

Edited April 29, 2015 by Pablee

[PegNosePete]

No-one who is in favour of telling her has yet to present a strong argument, from a logical and philosophical point of view, why inflicting that pain on her is the best option if she would never ever find out.

Because you're presenting a ludicrous scenario. Your entire argument for not telling her is based on "if she would never ever find out". If you can 100% guarantee that she will never, ever find out... then sure, keep the secret.

 

But of course you can't guarantee that. Chances are that one day she will find out. Maybe you'll get drunk, maybe you'll be angry, maybe your guilt will build more and more over time, maybe you'll tell a friend who will let slip to her, there's many ways your secret could get out. And when she does find the truth, it will hurt her a heck of a lot more than if you confess now.

[elaine567]

Fidelity is fundamental to any relationship that is monogamous and heading for marriage.

Your future wife has an image in her mind of you.

You have both been honest re the other partners, when you were on a break, so I guess she trusts you implicitly.

 

BUT you are fooling her here, that was a bit of a trick you pulled. You misdirected her attention, by being oh so honest about the woman on the break, but omitted to tell her about the one night stand.

 

You are hiding from her something that is basic to her decision making re her marriage to you and is that really fair? She is in her 40s, she is not a child that needs protected here, she is an adult and as an adult should be aware of all the facts before you ask her to enter into a marriage contract with you.

 

You also need to consider carefully the reason why you dumped her in the first place. I think you were bored and had the ONS to add some excitement. You then realised she wasn't the one for you, went cold on her and eventually dumped her.

Add in a bit of post-split loneliness and suddenly she doesn't seem so bad.

I have never been an advocate of resurrecting old relationships, the issues that caused the first split tend to resurface, and the dumpee just gets hurt all over again.

[Pablee]

Because you're presenting a ludicrous scenario. Your entire argument for not telling her is based on "if she would never ever find out". If you can 100% guarantee that she will never, ever find out... then sure, keep the secret.

 

But of course you can't guarantee that. Chances are that one day she will find out. Maybe you'll get drunk, maybe you'll be angry, maybe your guilt will build more and more over time, maybe you'll tell a friend who will let slip to her, there's many ways your secret could get out. And when she does find the truth, it will hurt her a heck of a lot more than if you confess now.

 

Yes, there is always that possibility that she will find out if I let it slip (if I decided to stay quiet). I don't really drink anymore so it wouldn't happen then. The only way I think it could happen was if further down the line she cheated on me - then I might confess.

 

Here is a true story:

 

Years ago I used to know a person who had been married to his wife for 40+ years. He said she was his soul mate and he would never ever leave her, but that the physical side of their relationship had dried up in their 60's. They had tried to work through it but couldn't, but because they loved each other so much they decided they could still be happy together without sex. But he found it difficult and in the end turned to having sex with prostitutes for physical relief. He still had no intention of ever leaving his wife and because they weren't having sex he saw it as low-risk.

 

Now, personally I would never have sex with a prostitute and by my own standards I disagree with what he did. Does that mean I am right and he is wrong? Most people would say yes because he wasn't being honest. But is honesty always the right policy?

 

I think a lot of our opinions are based on traditional views of right and wrong, on how we are brought up as children, and our life experiences, but that does not mean that our own views are universal truths. What seems morally right for one person does not mean it is necessarily universally morally right for others, who may hold extremely different opinions.

 

Anyway I'm going off on a tangent.

 

I am still NOT trying to justify myself, but would rather people respond in a non-judgmental manner instead of calling me names like a sneaky slimeball. I've already called myself worse things than that for what I did, and it's not really productive to open dialogue. None of us are perfect and we are all capable of dishonesty and doing bad things to others.

 

So... for those of you who think I should confess, do I confess now because it is a noble thing to do after my despicable actions 3 years ago, or do I do I confess because she might find out later and that would be worse?

 

Just keep in mind I DID break up with her, but I do agree with Ascendotum that I should really have told her when she made it clear to me she wanted to get back together. Too late for that though - I'm just trying to find the best solution in order to salvage things.