One-night stand

[dreamingoftigers]

What I do find interesting about discussions regarding cheating is that those who are younger are, generally, very idealistic, everything is black and white, and the only right thing to do is confess.

 

When speaking to older people who are more experienced with life and relationships, many tend to see the dilemma from different perspectives, and things are not so one-dimensional. They tend to give more thought as to the pros and cons of telling or not telling.

 

I've been cheated on by my husband of 9 years.

 

Yes, I would have wanted to know instead of catching it.

 

All of you that cheat on this forum sound almost exactly the same when you try to rugsweep.

 

This has very little to do with my "youth and idealism" I am 33.

 

It shook my worldview, yes it did. And your gf knows the implications of stepping out, that's why she made it clear to you.

 

Whatever you can say about "loving" her and you "won't do it again"......

 

know this.....

 

You didn't and don't respect her. That is actually more important in the long run.

 

And she deserves a man that will respect her.

 

Not someone who wants to make it about "moral relativity, black and white, her happiness blar de blar de blar."

 

She wanted and wants a man who won't cheat on her and wants and wanted one who was honest.

 

You blew your chance with the one, you might have a chance to show her that you won't be that man again.

 

But more importantly you are pissing away the chance to truly be respectful and honest with her.

 

I hope someone serves you the way that you are serving her. Then you'll get it.

 

It has nothing to do with age. It has to do with respect and boundaries.

And really, who sounds childish with the "I swear I'll neeeevvveerrrr do it again."

[Pablee]

 

You aren't to be trusted because you are withholding something from her that would change her whole view of the relationship.

 

Maybe or maybe not.

 

Like if I won the lotto and didn't mention it to my husband and we lived off of Kraft Dinner because we were so broke.

 

I really don't think that's a good comparison, and not one that would happen in real life.

 

This is no different. You don't want to lose, so you will lie to keep her.

 

This isn't about "her" it's about you.

 

I stumbled 3 years ago. Now we get on brilliantly. We have a laugh all the time. We do lovely things for each other each day. We have much more than many couples have. Is it not madness to throw that all away just to uphold a romanticized and naive viewpoint that says honesty is always best?

 

Is it not absolute madness to unleash a fury of pain into the mix??? Which will likely end up with both of us miserable for a long time?

[Pablee]

 

 

I think it's interesting that a discussion about simple morality is being pushed into gray territory.

 

In this situation practicality should be considered as well as morality. By being moral I am probably destroying something that is very good (aside from my mistake). Why do that?

What you did is considered 'wrong' in our society as we have considered lying and cheating to fall into that category.

So why then do more than half of people in the world cheat?

 

We don't live in a perfect world and sometimes it's not the practical thing to put this naive idea of morality above all other considerations.

 

Your outside should match your inside. The two are causing a conflict within yourself.

 

I really like and agree with this statement though. I would say that to always be such a person, one who reveals completely the inner self, is one of the hardest things for any person to do.

Edited May 3, 2015 by Pablee

[Pablee]

 

You didn't and don't respect her. That is actually more important in the long run.

 

I hope someone serves you the way that you are serving her. Then you'll get it.

 

It has nothing to do with age. It has to do with respect and boundaries.

And really, who sounds childish with the "I swear I'll neeeevvveerrrr do it again."

 

You are quite bitter aren't you?

 

You know nothing about me, and I'm not interested in your judgmental views.

 

And yes I have already been "served" as you call it twice in the past by women who have cheated on me. But I'm not bitter about it. I've accepted we all make mistakes in life.

 

Anyway, I hope you find a bit of happiness in your situation, having read your own threads.

[darkbloom]

You aren't to be trusted because you are withholding something from her that would change her whole view of the relationship.

 

Maybe or maybe not.

 

Like if I won the lotto and didn't mention it to my husband and we lived off of Kraft Dinner because we were so broke.

 

I really don't think that's a good comparison, and not one that would happen in real life.

 

This is no different. You don't want to lose, so you will lie to keep her.

 

This isn't about "her" it's about you.

 

I stumbled 3 years ago. Now we get on brilliantly. We have a laugh all the time. We do lovely things for each other each day. We have much more than many couples have. Is it not madness to throw that all away just to uphold a romanticized and naive viewpoint that says honesty is always best?

 

Is it not absolute madness to unleash a fury of pain into the mix??? Which will likely end up with both of us miserable for a long time?

 

Since when is being honest now equal with being naïve? You have one face on the outside and another on the inside.

 

you do have more than other couples have. A big fat secret. It already broke you up once. Keeping it a secret is asking for more pain for both of you in the long run.

 

I didn't find out about the cheating until a year after it happened. She's going to think that every nice thing you did for her was your guilt talking. I know I did.

 

You already have the pain in the mix. Look at how your guilt destroyed you. The madness is you thinking if this stays swept under the rug that your relationship will stay guilt free and she will never find out. MADNESS.

[Pablee]

Since when is being honest now equal with being naïve? You have one face on the outside and another on the inside.

 

you do have more than other couples have. A big fat secret. It already broke you up once. Keeping it a secret is asking for more pain for both of you in the long run.

 

I didn't find out about the cheating until a year after it happened. She's going to think that every nice thing you did for her was your guilt talking. I know I did.

 

You already have the pain in the mix. Look at how your guilt destroyed you. The madness is you thinking if this stays swept under the rug that your relationship will stay guilt free and she will never find out. MADNESS.

 

I have to admit, good counter-argument there.

[darkbloom]

In this situation practicality should be considered as well as morality. By being moral I am probably destroying something that is very good (aside from my mistake). Why do that?

What you did is considered 'wrong' in our society as we have considered lying and cheating to fall into that category.

So why then do more than half of people in the world cheat?

 

We don't live in a perfect world and sometimes it's not the practical thing to put this naive idea of morality above all other considerations.

 

Your outside should match your inside. The two are causing a conflict within yourself.

 

I really like and agree with this statement though. I would say that to always be such a person, one who reveals completely the inner self, is one of the hardest things for any person to do.

 

I'm not interested in half of people cheating. IF they all jumped off a bridge, I still wouldn't do it. I can only control myself and my decisions. I can only say that I would never cheat on someone regardless if I was cheated on.

 

I would rather be alone than with someone who lies to me. The cheating didn't bother me as much as the lying did. I'm not romanticized. I am not naïve. I know sh-t happens. I would respect a man who owns up to a mistake than one who keeps up the charade of the lie.

 

Revealing yourself is the hardest thing to do. It is also what will set you free. Yes it might be the toughest pain you'll have to go through. But you will come out better and stronger on the other side.

[Pablee]

I'm not interested in half of people cheating. IF they all jumped off a bridge, I still wouldn't do it. I can only control myself and my decisions. I can only say that I would never cheat on someone regardless if I was cheated on.

 

I would rather be alone than with someone who lies to me. The cheating didn't bother me as much as the lying did. I'm not romanticized. I am not naïve. I know sh-t happens. I would respect a man who owns up to a mistake than one who keeps up the charade of the lie.

 

Revealing yourself is the hardest thing to do. It is also what will set you free. Yes it might be the toughest pain you'll have to go through. But you will come out better and stronger on the other side.

 

Truthfully, and debating aside, I really wish it had never happened. I thought I was better than that and that I would never cheat. I am an idiot, and 3 years on I am still trying to come to terms with myself for what I did. Perhaps as you say coming clean will set me free.

[darkbloom]

Truthfully, and debating aside, I really wish it had never happened. I thought I was better than that and that I would never cheat. I am an idiot, and 3 years on I am still trying to come to terms with myself for what I did. Perhaps as you say coming clean will set me free.

 

If he would have come clean about it to me, I would have forgiven him. Had he shown the regret and the remorse without me confronting him, I would have. The girl he cheated with happened to know my best friend. She told my best friend in confidence about it. Of course he told me. I had to look my ex in the eye and ask him if it was true. I have never been so angry in my entire life. It made every nice thing he did for me in our relationship seem cheap and forced. He apologized that night and I haven't heard from him since.

 

He has to live with himself. Maybe one day when he grows a spine so he can give me a proper apology. I doubt it though. It would set him free.

[SolG]

Keeping such a secret takes away from any relationship. I think it would be a good idea to confess, but make sure you tell her that the guilt wore on you to the point that you felt you had to break up with her because of it.

 

Also, it's not about giving her the power to decide, more appropriately it is about giving her a chance to forgive you. If you love her as much as you say you do, you will give her this opportunity. It takes a strong person to admit such a thing, and an even stronger person to allow yourself to be vulnerable. Fall so she can catch you.

 

^^^I agree with this sentiment OP.

 

I think there is a bigger philosophical argument than infidelity in and of itself. It's about love and partnership and what they mean to you. To me, an integral part of a loving partnership is knowing the true other. Not just the nice bits and parts that make me 'happy'; but the whole, real person warts and all. Their flaws and insecurities and fears. And loving them anyway.

 

If something is important to my partner, it is important to me (and vice versa). Truth in sharing not just true self, but also sharing truth of experience is paramount. Even if it hurts. Sometimes especially when it hurts because oft times these are the things in relationships that if not confronted cause the biggest problems.

 

I say tell her. Fundamentally because it is a secret about you and who you are... That happens to pertain to cheating. You have agonised about this for years; this has been an experience that has greatly impacted you, is important and meaningful to you. Would you hide anything else of this personal significance from her?

 

I understand that being truly known makes us most vulnerable. I understand that vulnerabilty evokes fear. I think that it is in part this fear that drives some to infidelity in the first place rather than reveal all of themselves and risk rejection from someone they love. And this same fear that drives the ensuing nondisclosure. I think maybe that this is a part of what you may be feeling now?

 

In my view, you have no business embarking on marriage with someone you are not even prepared (brave enough?) to reveal your whole self to. And this ONS and your ongoing struggle are part of who you are.

[dreamingoftigers]

You are quite bitter aren't you?

 

You know nothing about me, and I'm not interested in your judgmental views.

 

And yes I have already been "served" as you call it twice in the past by women who have cheated on me. But I'm not bitter about it. I've accepted we all make mistakes in life.

 

Anyway, I hope you find a bit of happiness in your situation, having read your own threads.

 

Yeah, I am sure you looked very deeply into my situation.

 

Try looking into yours.

 

You sound just like EVERY OTHER CHEATER that wants to save their own skin and lie.

 

Have a little self-respect and take ownership for your crappy behaviour.

 

I hope that she does find out. So she can find a man that respects himself and her. Instead of getting snowed-in with a sham marriage to a liar that thinks only of condemning others in pain as being, what was it?

 

Naive, bitter, judgmental?

 

What are you?

 

A whole bunch of character-flawed phrases as well.

 

And who does that effect?

 

Not me. It affects you and your gf.

 

Stop deflecting and grow up. I can't believe you are actually older than me and so dismissive of the obvious. No wonder you can't get your act together.

[dreamingoftigers]

Truthfully, and debating aside, I really wish it had never happened. I thought I was better than that and that I would never cheat. I am an idiot, and 3 years on I am still trying to come to terms with myself for what I did. Perhaps as you say coming clean will set me free.

 

Hopefully you develop the strength of character to own who you are and how you behave.

 

Behooves me that you dismissed anything said about respect. Amazing.

 

It is damn damn sad that a loyal gf like yours who was so clear about the kind of pain infidelity has caused her would get betrayed and then LIED TO FOR YEARS by a guy who did the same thing.

 

You really can't trust very many people these days.

And yes, THIS THREAD in particular brought out some very bitter things.

 

As I hope for my own future, it just shows me how easy it is to get snowed by someone who can appear to be the real deal and really just be someone that uses the same BS justifications that every cheater uses to cheat and lie about it. That's "half" of the people I don't want any part of. And BTW, it's about 25% of men and 17% of women. I suspect most have a PD of some sort, or low PFC function.

 

You may want to look into low PFC function. Because logic and respect seem to befuddle most that step out and choose to lie about it.

[fireflywy]

Being a humble man is for YOU.

 

 

Conversely, if I do the "selfless" thing and give her the "power" and she leaves, what then? Statistics show that over 50% of people cheat at least once in their lifetime. What guarantee is there that her future partner(s) won't cheat either?

 

She's already in a relationship with one and at least she would have a 50% chance of NOT being with anyone who cheated. You can't even be honest with her NOW. What are the chances you won't stray in the future? Don't be so condenscending toward her like you're some kind of white knight saving her from some serpents lair. That's how you sound guy.

 

In the end, if you're not going to tell her, and your keep arguing with everyones counterpoints, why ask the question?

 

Clearly you're not going to tell her when you SHOULD.

 

At this point, im beginning to lean into just letting her go. Let her go and find someone who doesn't justify falsehood or have such difficulty with expressing the truth regardless of how painful it may be.

 

Its what's best for her if you're not going to tell her.

Edited May 3, 2015 by fireflywy
ter

[Heer]

Hello Pablee,

 

Your situation intrigues me and I thought I could give you my honest advice. Mind you I'm only a 20 yr old girl and not very experienced. I also only read your initial post. My thoughts are this:

 

Cheating is damaging to a relationship and I would be devestated if my bf cheated on me. However as a girl I can give you some "honest advice".

 

There are 3 major points to my advice to you. The day after the one night stand, Days after the one night stand, and years after the one night stand.

 

Day after one night stand: Now this is the point in time where the bf tells the gf that he cheated her and tells her immediately. If you do this this is good because it shows remorse and that you regret it happening. It also shows zero attempts of hiding and withholding info, since you told her ASAP. By immediately I mean like the moment you wake up and is competent enough to understand that you have just cheated. If you do this, the gf will get really mad really quick and since both of you are only gf and bf she will probably weigh heavily on leaving you. This is the truth. If my bf told me this, there is a high chance of me leaving him because we don't have kids, finances, legal stuff, etc. Just a clean "goodbye". When this happens, both of you find new partners and move on in life separately. If she does forgive you, you will probably have to handover all your passwords and do a lot of "cheering up" for your gf such as buying flowers, stop hanging out with friends,etc. You will have to give your gf all the attention you have. If this happens long enough, both of you can have the possibility of getting married and have a life together.

 

Days after the one night stand: This is the part where its not good. This is the time period where the gf finds out days, weeks, or months after the one night stand have occurred. This is the bad part because even if you tell her now you will still be guilty of hiding and withholding info. Yes, thats the truth. If my bf cheated on me and told me a month later, I will assume that he is a cheater and a liar. This is because he did not tell me immediately. The chances of a hurtful break up is highest here and almost 100% chance of her not forgiving you.

 

Years after the one night stand: In this time slot the cheating happened 10 years ago, both you are happily married and have young children. Unfortunately for you EXACTLY 10 years after the one night stand she finds out. Now she is mad and is telling you she wants a divorce because you cheated on her. BUT WAIT. What about the kids, the finances, her reputation, family gossip, etc. Is she willing to throw away 10 years of marraige for 1 night of cheating? This will also reflect badly on her because ppl will say that she was "blind" and married a cheater. In this scenario there is a lot more at stake here. Its the difference between quitting after working on a project for 1 day versus 10 years. I have to honestly tell you that she probably will not leave you in a situation like this. You probably cry and laminate how you ruined the marriage `10 years ago and beg for her forgiveness. She will be angry and request all your passwords. But eventually, her heart will soften once you show that you are a great father and a provider. You will have a uphill battle of showing your worthiness to her as well as the children. But then there is a real chance that she gets a divorce and she finds another man.

 

Again this is advice from a girl's perspective and I sincerely hope that your relationship works out. You seems remorseful and I I hope that whatever happens, you and your gf can find peace both together and apart.

Edited May 3, 2015 by Heer
Forgot to BOLD something

[Pablee]

^^^I agree with this sentiment OP.

 

I think there is a bigger philosophical argument than infidelity in and of itself. It's about love and partnership and what they mean to you. To me, an integral part of a loving partnership is knowing the true other. Not just the nice bits and parts that make me 'happy'; but the whole, real person warts and all. Their flaws and insecurities and fears. And loving them anyway.

 

If something is important to my partner, it is important to me (and vice versa). Truth in sharing not just true self, but also sharing truth of experience is paramount. Even if it hurts. Sometimes especially when it hurts because oft times these are the things in relationships that if not confronted cause the biggest problems.

 

I say tell her. Fundamentally because it is a secret about you and who you are... That happens to pertain to cheating. You have agonised about this for years; this has been an experience that has greatly impacted you, is important and meaningful to you. Would you hide anything else of this personal significance from her?

 

I understand that being truly known makes us most vulnerable. I understand that vulnerabilty evokes fear. I think that it is in part this fear that drives some to infidelity in the first place rather than reveal all of themselves and risk rejection from someone they love. And this same fear that drives the ensuing nondisclosure. I think maybe that this is a part of what you may be feeling now?

 

In my view, you have no business embarking on marriage with someone you are not even prepared (brave enough?) to reveal your whole self to. And this ONS and your ongoing struggle are part of who you are.

 

Great post there, you have made me consider something I hadn't thought of before. I think there is some truth especially in the point highlighted above. Thankyou.

[Pablee]

Being a humble man is for YOU.

 

 

In the end, if you're not going to tell her, and your keep arguing with everyones counterpoints, why ask the question?

 

Clearly you're not going to tell her when you SHOULD.

 

Its what's best for her if you're not going to tell her.

 

My arguments with others on here reflect the arguments I'm having with myself. BIG arguments.

 

And many of the contributions from you guys on this thread are not wasted on me, they are helping me to see the situation from many angles and helping me move closer to a final decision.

 

So no, I haven't yet decided I'm going to keep the secret.

[Pablee]

Hello Pablee,

 

Your situation intrigues me and I thought I could give you my honest advice. Mind you I'm only a 20 yr old girl and not very experienced. I also only read your initial post. My thoughts are this:

 

 

You are very wise for someone so young. Your post was highly interesting and you make some good observations about what might happen in the future.

 

It made me realize that going into marriage with this secret is definitely what I am NOT going to do. Because if she stays with me after finding out then, she may not be staying for the single reason that she loves me but because she feels handcuffed by the kids, mortgage, fear of what others may say about her etc...

 

Thankyou so much.

Edited May 3, 2015 by Pablee

[Pablee]

Hopefully you develop the strength of character to own who you are and how you behave.

 

Behooves me that you dismissed anything said about respect. Amazing.

 

It is damn damn sad that a loyal gf like yours who was so clear about the kind of pain infidelity has caused her would get betrayed and then LIED TO FOR YEARS by a guy who did the same thing.

 

You really can't trust very many people these days.

And yes, THIS THREAD in particular brought out some very bitter things.

 

As I hope for my own future, it just shows me how easy it is to get snowed by someone who can appear to be the real deal and really just be someone that uses the same BS justifications that every cheater uses to cheat and lie about it. That's "half" of the people I don't want any part of. And BTW, it's about 25% of men and 17% of women. I suspect most have a PD of some sort, or low PFC function.

 

You may want to look into low PFC function. Because logic and respect seem to befuddle most that step out and choose to lie about it.

 

I don't want to engage in an emotional debate with you. Okay I accept I may have inflamed your responses to some extent by some of my comments, but really none of us on a forum can make a character judgment on each other as we have very little knowledge of each other.

 

Yes you can judge my cheating as bad, and I'll certainly agree with you.

 

But that one mistake doesn't make me a terrible person in life, even if I have kept it secret for this long. It just means I am not very good at relationships.

 

And yes it is sad but let's not blow things up out of all proportion. There are much worse things that people do in relationships (well so I think, but you are entitled to disagree of course), and in life that are way worse than my one act of infidelity. And in the course of nine years my girlfriend has done some shocking things on me, for which I have forgiven her for (NOT trying to justify my behaviour, just making a point she is not perfect either - not going to discuss what she did).

 

I don't need to look into any medical condition. I made a mistake, and everyone in the world makes mistakes, but I'm now dealing with it by coming on here and having dialogue to try to put the whole thing to rest.

 

If you have read through all of my posts you will understand I'm not trying to excuse myself at all. I'm trying to approach this dilemma from a logical and rational position by putting forth arguments for and against telling her.

 

And you will see from my above response to Heer, I have made at least one decision.

Edited May 3, 2015 by Pablee

[Heer]

You are very wise for someone so young. Your post was highly interesting and you make some good observations about what might happen in the future.

 

It made me realize that going into marriage with this secret is definitely what I am NOT going to do. Because if she stays with me after finding out then, she may not be staying for the single reason that she loves me but because she feels handcuffed by the kids, mortgage, fear of what others may say about her etc...

 

Thankyou so much.

 

I was hoping for a reply like this :) Good luck Pablee!!

[ExpatInItaly]

So what have you decided to do, OP?

[Pablee]

So what have you decided to do, OP?

 

I've narrowed it down now to two options.

 

Tell her, or break up with her and not tell.

 

I'm not going to get engaged or married while keeping this secret from her.

[ascendotum]

I've narrowed it down now to two options.

 

Tell her, or break up with her and not tell.

 

I'm not going to get engaged or married while keeping this secret from her.

 

If its down to this, then I say you might as well tell her. You already did the break up before and I feel if you do it again after she won you back she will hate you (as much as if you confessed) more that she has spent 9 yrs with you, for you to dump her twice without there being an obvious problem with the relationship. What reason will you give if you break up suddenly..."this relationship is just not working for me anymore"?

Whatever you think will hurt her less.

[Pablee]

If its down to this, then I say you might as well tell her. You already did the break up before and I feel if you do it again after she won you back she will hate you (as much as if you confessed) more that she has spent 9 yrs with you, for you to dump her twice without there being an obvious problem with the relationship. What reason will you give if you break up suddenly..."this relationship is just not working for me anymore"?

Whatever you think will hurt her less.

 

Yeah, I'm thinking the same as you.

Hard times ahead...

[Pablee]

An update for everyone who engaged with me on this thread.

 

Thankyou for all your advice, and even if we struggled to understand each other I really did appreciate you taking the time to respond.

 

Anyway, I confessed.

 

And I was totally shocked at her response. She told me that she had suspected I had cheated. She knew something had happened when I was on holiday, as when I came back she could see I was carrying guilt which wasn't there before. Yet she was prepared to give me the benefit of the doubt at the time.

 

She was very calm, not hysterical at all, and told me that she could forgive me for what I have done because she believes I'm remorseful. However, she doesn't know if she will be able to stay with me. We are taking some time apart until she comes to a decision.

 

Whether we stay together or not, I now realize this was the right decision for me. But I couldn't know that it was through debating on here and arguing about the morality of it all. I could only know it was right by taking the step.

 

For the first time in 3 years it feels as if a tremendous burden has been lifted off my shoulders. And while I'm still sad at the hurt I have caused, I know that life will only get better from here on in.

[davidromero43]

We are taking some time apart until she comes to a decision.

 

She will probably have a couple of quick romances, and come back when she sees that is not what she wants. I hope you will not have a problem with it, and both of you can be happy.