Giving up hope

[DJOkawari]

I've posted a couple threads here, but the details of my situation aren't particularly important. Break up was almost 6 months ago. 2 attempted reconciliations about 4.5 months ago and 2 months ago, both instigated by the dumper but both also ended shortly after by the dumper. NC for the last 1.5 months.

 

The real issue is that I still haven't given up hope that we will have another chance. I can easily recognize what went wrong the first 2 reconciliations. She wanted me back. But "me" wasn't there. I was extremely emotional post-break up and I was very needy in our interactions. Obviously, it is okay to be needy post-break up but it is very hard to be happy/make someone else happy in that state. I am still not in a good state to reconcile (or have anything new). I can accept that.

 

So, I work on myself and I go to therapy and hopefully I will be whole again one day. Hopefully I will value myself as I once did. The issue is...I'm doing it because I have hope. I want to be ready for the day that she contacts me again. How do I give up that hope?

 

Part of the reason is that she owes me money. I am guaranteed contact from her at some point later this year for that reason. I would like to be much closer to the finished product by then, but I can also see the logic in the idea that she will have had basically 1 year apart from me and lots of time to create a life that doesn't involve me. Logically, I get it. We're done. But I cannot stop living my life based on that hope. Kind of a "pascal's wager" type deal.

 

Finally, she did some ****ty things to me (I also made mistakes) and I hate those things but I don't hate her. I think some sort of hate or at least dislike would really help me. I have never been able to stay mad for long or to hate anyone. Any thoughts on how to at least develop a small grudge?

 

I'm not sure what to do because I think of her almost all of the time (I have been NC for about 1.5 months). Initially I was not very busy and that's what I thought was causing me these issues. I became much busier with life and it has helped me grow a lot but the effect it had of keeping my mind off of her has worn off now. Now I am just busy and thinking about her - which again, is okay given that each person is on their own timeline, however I still have not given up hope at all.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

edit: For reference I have tried dating, but I am not ready for it.

Edited April 29, 2015 by DJOkawari

[SLee]

I'm sorry you're going through all this hurt.

 

I was recently dumped and I'm still hoping for reconciliation at some point someday. And for the moment, the hope is the motivator to improve and focus on myself. From what I see, when reconciliation does work, it's after both parties have moved on completely and the relationship starts over with the old relationship dead and buried.

 

You mentioned the ****ty things she did during the relationship. You don't have to hate her or hold grudges, but for the moment having a list of those things is good. It helps me. Listing everything he did that hurt me, big issues he wouldn't address, the things that annoyed me, you get my drift.

 

When I really, really miss him, I look at that list. And even though the hope is still there right now, it does help me carry on. I'm in love with the him that he was, not the him that he became. As well, you don't have to hate the ex, but having bouts of anger does help you for now. It doesn't have to be permanent or anything, and holding grudges is pointless in the end with almost any situation, but whatever helps you cope for now and keeps you on the right track is good for now.

 

The hope will hurt less in time, and even if for now you use it to do all the right things (focus on you, NC, etc.) you'll speed up the process to the end product where it doesn't hurt as much.

 

Like you said, everyone has their own timelines. People cope in different ways. If the hope is the only thing that really motivates you to do the right things, then use it for now. And as you keep growing and such, it will hurt less in time.

[DJOkawari]

Thanks for the response!

 

I read through some of your threads and I'm sorry that you had to go through what you're going through too as well. On the whole though, I guess it is a positive, life enriching experience . It's early in your healing process and you're already so composed - I'm kinda envious.

 

I considered making a list but the only real thing on the list is that her post breakup behavior was pretty ****ty, but she wasn't like that while we were together. The rest of her flaws I can think of were pretty endearing at the time.

 

A funny exercise that ended up helping me a bit was to think further than the "maybe she'll come back" thought and into the "what if she comes back?". It opened a whole new series of thoughts which helped me realize that her coming to reconcile wasn't going to be a simple thing. First and foremost, I'd probably doubt her.

 

Amusingly it seems like as much as I'd like to avoid her and move on, things keep coming back to me. Lots of small things like, my phone broke, so when I got a new one my provider tried to salvage my data/contacts. They could only get 1 contact's phone # through my email...her mom's Lots of other small things as well. I suppose it'll all come to an end some time though.

[Twigyy]

If she is still around, like if she still owes you money just let her know your bank account, and she can transfer you the money without meeting up, or pass it to your buddy. She asked if she can take you back, but she doesn't accept that you're still emotionally unstable, and left. What is she expecting? No one is perfect, and no one can be happy everyday.

 

You can't take her back with only 1 month of NC. There will be a lot of problems when both of you haven't sort out the emotional stuff. To do real NC you'll have to do things for you. You can't do things like "She will get mad at me if she finds out I did this before we reconcile". It will make you cling onto that hope. Just put her away. She isn't in your life anymore, and live like she isn't.

[SLee]

Let's hope it is! I'm just hoping I come out of this better and stronger on the other end! You're very sweet, but believe me I have my down days. It comes and goes, and from what I see, you'll eventually feel that way too.

 

Honestly, if the list helps, put down her post break up behavior down. And think long and hard. What caused any fights? How did they handle arguments? Did they get a really stupid haircut? etc. Like I said, even if it's petty and dumb it doesn't matter because it's for you. I even got my friends to join in!

 

That's a great exercise and I've done it too without even knowing it. Like if he came back RIGHT NOW would I be able to trust him? Would I feel secure? Would it actually work? And it did help me see that there was gonna be no magic fix and it would be horrendously complicated no matter how you sliced it. Also helped me see that I am in no position for reconciliation right now unless there was some magic "come to Jesus" moment and I actually believed he was sorry and ready to commit.

 

I have a group of close friends who have been around since day one of the relationship, and we vent all the time to each other about life and relationships (very "Sex and the City"-esque! lol). Because they've been with me from day one, they can bring up things to me when I'm super down like, "hey, remember that time he started a huge fight with you over two pieces of chocolate that you ate that you didn't immediately offer to share with his family?" and things like that. It helps me tear down this idealized version of him that I sometimes find myself obsessed with and helps me keep my head on straight. Even my acquaintances say things like "how old is this guy? why are you putting up with this dude?" when I tell them the story. No one is perfect, especially exes, and building up some false idol that never even existed is what kept me in a trap for a while and prevented me from seeing reality.

 

Even today, my friend happened to pass my ex while she was driving and, having not seen him in a while, told me how awful his hair looked. At first I thought "no, he looks fine!" and even thought he can do what he wants with his own hair and it wouldn't bother me relationship or not, his hair really could use some styling and it doesn't look well kept at all! It's petty and unimportant, but it helps.

 

So, my point is, if you can get together with family or friends and talk about it with them, they can offer some valuable insight on the ex that you were either to blind to see then or are too blind to see now. At first you might think, "no, no, they weren't a bad person" or "THEY aren't like that!" but if you let it sink in, even if they don't know the ex through and through, it helps.

 

Those little things are emotional murder! Anything that comes up about his favorite TV show, an inside joke, a song, or food, or literally anything will pop up randomly and bring back a flood's worth of memories. But those too will fade in time. The biggest thing is resisting the instinct to dwell on them.

[DJOkawari]

If she is still around, like if she still owes you money just let her know your bank account, and she can transfer you the money without meeting up, or pass it to your buddy. She asked if she can take you back, but she doesn't accept that you're still emotionally unstable, and left. What is she expecting? No one is perfect, and no one can be happy everyday.

 

Well the issue was that while we were together I was really composed and the polar opposite of needy. In fact, probably it would've helped to be a bit more vulnerable in that regard. The attempts at reconciliation, I was extremely needy. It was a different person. I didn't really forgive her for the break up and stuff after. Obviously, looking back I just needed more time in NC. She doesn't have the money now and she won't for a while. I guess I could send her the bank info now and just wait, it's going to take her at least 5 months to come up with the money. I may not even get it at all

 

 

 

You can't take her back with only 1 month of NC. There will be a lot of problems when both of you haven't sort out the emotional stuff. To do real NC you'll have to do things for you. You can't do things like "She will get mad at me if she finds out I did this before we reconcile". It will make you cling onto that hope. Just put her away. She isn't in your life anymore, and live like she isn't.

 

 

Yeah actually since the break up this is the first time I've ended up reaching 1 month NC. All of the other times I was in NC but there just wasn't enough time. The way I see it, I'm almost at 2 months so I'm pretty pleased. The other thing is that there is almost nothing to say so it is really pretty easy. It's also time for final exams now and I'll be travelling soon so I'm basically guaranteed an easy next month of things to occupy myself.

 

 

To do real NC you'll have to do things for you. You can't do things like "She will get mad at me if she finds out I did this before we reconcile". It will make you cling onto that hope. Just put her away. She isn't in your life anymore, and live like she isn't.

 

Oh yeah I don't really think about that except she had some friends who were interested in me and so they approached me after a while. I avoided that because...well...probably that feeling you just described, I figured it'd upset her (obviously if I liked any of them a ton, I would've gone for it).

 

The only other actions of mine that I restrict now because of her are that I try to avoid possibly seeing her. I take streets/routes I wouldn't expect to see her on and some times I avoid events entirely. I guess the best example is I wanted to take a fitness class, she was the one who actually turned me onto it and she wanted to take a similar class. I know where we were planning to take it...so I picked a different venue - it's right by my work so it isn't inconvenient for me at all.

 

I know that that's still living my life with her in mind but the way I see it, between my travelling, her travelling, and then her (probably...I don't now for sure) moving out of this neighborhood I just have to make it through May and I probably won't see her again. So I figure living like this for 1 more month wouldn't be too bad.

 

----

 

Let's hope it is! I'm just hoping I come out of this better and stronger on the other end! You're very sweet, but believe me I have my down days. It comes and goes, and from what I see, you'll eventually feel that way too.

 

Yeah, I feel pretty good normally. The break up was sad but on the whole my life is so much better. It was a good thing as far as where we were at that time in life (we didn't know it but we were both depressed...we were each other's support). She has been in therapy for a bit now, I just started and we're doing much better. It's sad that we can't share our lives now that we're doing better, that's the pain I'm mostly feeling.

 

Honestly, if the list helps, put down her post break up behavior down. And think long and hard. What caused any fights? How did they handle arguments? Did they get a really stupid haircut? etc. Like I said, even if it's petty and dumb it doesn't matter because it's for you. I even got my friends to join in!

 

Seriously, there isn't too much. The thing I could put on the list is that I know I could find someone better because objectively she (like everyone our age) had a lot of growing to do. We were planning on doing that growing together. She was really kinda moody and that probably would've upset a lot of people but I found it endearing, etc. When we broke up we were both depressed and had both just receded into ourselves. The only thing she did that hurt me specifically was that post-break up her coping mechanism was to date this one friend of hers who had a crush on her for years. She used him as a rebound after he had wanted her for so long. I didn't think that, that was part of her character...to knowingly use someone like that. I don't know what that guy is feeling now but for a while he was absolutely crushed. I was obviously hurt that she "moved on" so quickly but she came back and there was other BS...so whatever.

 

 

That's a great exercise and I've done it too without even knowing it. Like if he came back RIGHT NOW would I be able to trust him? Would I feel secure? Would it actually work? And it did help me see that there was gonna be no magic fix and it would be horrendously complicated no matter how you sliced it. Also helped me see that I am in no position for reconciliation right now unless there was some magic "come to Jesus" moment and I actually believed he was sorry and ready to commit.

 

Yeah, exactly "right now" and yeah, I agree! In my scenario I imagined it being very difficult as well and I felt like I would rather avoid doing something that difficult and painful. Yeah if she could make it easy it would definitely be a different story but I realized that, that is absolutely entirely on her. For me, that was a decent weight lifted off of my shoulders. I'm doing exactly what I should be doing right now

 

I have a group of close friends who have been around since day one of the relationship, and we vent all the time to each other about life and relationships (very "Sex and the City"-esque! lol). Because they've been with me from day one, they can bring up things to me when I'm super down like, "hey, remember that time he started a huge fight with you over two pieces of chocolate that you ate that you didn't immediately offer to share with his family?" and things like that. It helps me tear down this idealized version of him that I sometimes find myself obsessed with and helps me keep my head on straight. Even my acquaintances say things like "how old is this guy? why are you putting up with this dude?" when I tell them the story. No one is perfect, especially exes, and building up some false idol that never even existed is what kept me in a trap for a while and prevented me from seeing reality.

 

Even today, my friend happened to pass my ex while she was driving and, having not seen him in a while, told me how awful his hair looked. At first I thought "no, he looks fine!" and even thought he can do what he wants with his own hair and it wouldn't bother me relationship or not, his hair really could use some styling and it doesn't look well kept at all! It's petty and unimportant, but it helps.

 

So, my point is, if you can get together with family or friends and talk about it with them, they can offer some valuable insight on the ex that you were either to blind to see then or are too blind to see now. At first you might think, "no, no, they weren't a bad person" or "THEY aren't like that!" but if you let it sink in, even if they don't know the ex through and through, it helps.

 

 

Well the compounding issue is that, a really, really close friend (and roommate) of mine, my ex, and I would hang out all of the time. He would've been great in this scenario. But, he left basically at the same time she did (his visa expired). I can't skype with him for other reasons. So I lost two people who I spent an extremely large portion of my time days apart from each other. On the other hand a lot of positives came from that situation changing suddenly. I was able to kick a bunch of bad habits and evaluate my life because I was alone.

 

Most of the other guys I know are pretty insensitive. What I mean is...I don't really know any way to put this without sounding like an ass but people think I'm really attractive and so almost no one has sympathy for me. They just assume the single life is going to be amazing for me and say really crude things which are supposed to make me feel better. In fact, the single life has sucked for me so far. A lot of my friends just seem to be having so much fun. I'm not, yet. So, I actually kind of avoid them. My parents don't approve of dating, so that avenue is cut off as well. Probably why I vent so much here. That is good advice though. I wish I had a group of friends like that.

 

About the haircut thing, yeah some of the crude stuff they've said reflects on how my ex has been getting worse looking over time. It's probably true but it doesn't really make me feel better I suppose.

 

 

Those little things are emotional murder! Anything that comes up about his favorite TV show, an inside joke, a song, or food, or literally anything will pop up randomly and bring back a flood's worth of memories. But those too will fade in time. The biggest thing is resisting the instinct to dwell on them.

 

Yeah. For me those "floods" are always isolated events. Like the surprise of the memory is really what gets me. After that shock wears off, I'm pretty okay with it and it can't surprise me again. Do you get what I mean? From that perspective, I think there is just a finite amount of things I can recall and eventually I'll be all out. A lot of them just seem like coincidences but probably that's just because of where my mind is right now. I renewed my gym membership and it expires on her birthday. I opened up a notebook I had been writing in and the first entry is on her birthday (before I met her), etc.

Edited April 30, 2015 by DJOkawari