Tell me True

[Slut]

I have been married to my husband for 14 years and have 2 children. I had a long term emotional affair 7 years ago which I confessed to my husband (BIG MISTAKE). He is a good guy and has been trying to forgive me but has left me alone in the process. I am now currently involved with TWO other men besides my husband (hence, my nickname). One of those I am sexually active with and he is married as well. The other offers me the world and seems very sincere but has no idea I'm duping him. Give it to me straight - any advice? I'm asking for honest help here - not bashing. I've really screwed up my life. Thanks.

[Paulie]

Get counselling, and decide what you want out of life, because I hope it's not this.3

 

I don't know what else to tell ya...what goes around, comes around...

[Tony T]

Your husband has obviously not been meeting your emotional needs for a long time. I am assuming that you have tried very hard to correct this before you decided to go outside your marriage.

 

You can't go on forever living a double and triple life. It's not fair to you, your husband, your children, to the man who knows you are married and the other you are duping. You've got a lot of victims here, including yourself.

 

Try to put your marriage back together. If that's impossible, get out of it. Get your life on an honest track and live it free of all guilt.

 

Now if you are getting a big charge out of doing what you're doing, I can't say there would be anything short of a long roller coaster ride that would produce more excitement and adrenalin. If you're an adrenalin addict, you may be living your life quite properly.

 

But if you're tired of the emotional drain of deceiving so many people, it may be time to clean all this up and refresh your life. Your first step might be to end the affairs. The second step to give your marriage a final chance for meeting your needs (considering there is a limit to the excitement a 14-year marriage with two children can bring). The third step will depend on how successful the second step was.

 

You admit you've screwed up your life. I don't see anything here that can't be unscrewed pretty quickly.

 

P.S. There are some pretty good bashers here. Though you requested they refrain, you can expect a real pelting from some of the more passionate ones.

[Laurynn]

First of all, this past affair you had 7 yrs ago....you termed it an 'emotional affair'......does that mean there was no sex/intimacy involved?

 

You desire to seek men/sex/relationships with men outside of your marriage...yes, they could possibly be due to something that's missing in your marriage.....just as much as they could be due to something YOU are missing personally. I think too many times, people try to justify having affairs/breaking their marriage vows/sneaking around by saying, "well, not all my needs are being met in this marriage"......Sometimes, to me, that seems like a total copout. I was in a marriage (yes, only 3 yrs) and not one of my needs was met: he smacked me around, cheated, put me down, disrespected me, told his parents/sister things I'd told him in confidence, the list goes on. I was empty and discouraged as empty and discouraged could be. Did I ever consider cheating/having an affair? Absolutely not. Even though I was young, 24-25-26, I knew that it was up to me to make choices. Either continue to live that life and suck it up, or get the hell out if my needs weren't being met. I chose the latter.

 

Just the fact that you call yourself "Slut", I'm wondering if you have some deep seated (or not so deep seated) self esteem issues? Maybe you don't feel like you're worth much, and your behavior mirrors that? If you're not happy in your marriage, why do you stay? (for your kids? afraid to be on your own? not sure how you could support yourself financially?, etc)

 

If you thought it was a big mistake to confess your past 'emotional affair' to your husband, trust me...it's an even bigger mistake to be sexually involved with someone else......(are you still sexually active with your husband, too?). You are risking your health, your husband's health. HIV, Sexually Transmitted Diseases, Hepatitis C......(no such thing as 100% 'safe sex')......As you probably know, HIV and Hepatitis C are NON CURABLE (which means, they are life threatening....Hepatitis C more than AIDS, even)......wouldn't it be a shame for your children to lose their mother?

 

Get yourself into some counseling. See a therapist. You need to get to the bottom of all this ASAP. It is absolutely not fair to be betraying your husband like this, regardless of how much you feel he doesn't meet your needs. Also, how much time away from your family (kids) are you spending, when you're seeing these other men? That's not fair.

 

Get some help.

 

Laurynn

[Slut]

Laurynn, Tony and Paulie -

 

Thank you for your good advice. I will do some deep thinking. I think you're right Lauralynn....I think the problem is ME. I appreciate your responses. Thanksa again.