No contact isn't yet possible... what do I do? I feel so unresolved. [update]

[PegNosePete]

Hmm. Well to be honest that sounds too good to be true. And things that sound too good to be true, usually are too good to be true. It's very tempting for you to say "agreed", since it's basically the best outcome you could possibly hope for. But I have some fears here, due to her sudden turn around, and the fact that it seems too good to be true.

 

She wants her half of the money in the joint account. How much is it? What would happen if you accept her offer, give her the money, and she simply does not honour this new agreement? You would be screwed. I doubt this email would be legally binding or carry any weight in court. She could simply take the money, and leave you with all the bills.

 

Tread very carefully here! You're on thin ice.

[tylerj]

Hmm. Well to be honest that sounds too good to be true. And things that sound too good to be true, usually are too good to be true. It's very tempting for you to say "agreed", since it's basically the best outcome you could possibly hope for. But I have some fears here, due to her sudden turn around, and the fact that it seems too good to be true.

 

She wants her half of the money in the joint account. How much is it? What would happen if you accept her offer, give her the money, and she simply does not honour this new agreement? You would be screwed. I doubt this email would be legally binding or carry any weight in court. She could simply take the money, and leave you with all the bills.

 

Tread very carefully here! You're on thin ice.

 

Yeah. It's really odd how she goes from comparing me to a murderer in one email to then offering everything I asked for in the next one.

 

I will dwell on it for a couple of days. My initial thoughts are to accept the bulk of the proposal but to offset the money I'd owe for the joint possessions against bills, rather than pay her any cash directly. It's around £200, I think. The values are based on the 'new' price of the stuff we bought. So it's relatively low and unimportant in the grand scheme of things. Joint rent/bills etc through to the end of the tenancy are £4.2k which is the far bigger risk.

[PegNosePete]

Cool - not a large amount then.

 

The total amount you'd have to pay her is actually less than her first "bill", right? Can you just say that you'll put her half of the joint account,plus whatever you owe her, towards her first month's bill? Eg. if she will be paying £600 a month in total, her half of the joint account is £300 and you owe her £100 for appliances etc, then her first month bill will simply be £200? And from then on she will pay you the £600 a month? That seems fair, safe for you, gives her a reprise this month for her parents rent and extra travel, and doesn't involve sending money back and forth.

 

But if I were you I'd be looking to move out ASAP, because this agreement could collapse at any time if she changes her mind. It's not good to be financially tied to an ex like this.

[tylerj]

Cool - not a large amount then.

 

The total amount you'd have to pay her is actually less than her first "bill", right? Can you just say that you'll put her half of the joint account,plus whatever you owe her, towards her first month's bill? Eg. if she will be paying £600 a month in total, her half of the joint account is £300 and you owe her £100 for appliances etc, then her first month bill will simply be £200? And from then on she will pay you the £600 a month? That seems fair, safe for you, gives her a reprise this month for her parents rent and extra travel, and doesn't involve sending money back and forth.

 

But if I were you I'd be looking to move out ASAP, because this agreement could collapse at any time if she changes her mind. It's not good to be financially tied to an ex like this.

 

Yeah that's a good suggestion. I will draft a reply at some point this weekend.

 

Good news is that I've had an offer accepted elsewhere, just awaiting the credit check etc. I'll be moving at the end of June if that's the case.

[tylerj]

I'm feeling on a bit of a low this morning after what was a really good weekend in terms of forgetting about her.

 

I still haven't replied to her email.

 

She sent me another.

 

"

Dear tylerj,

 

Further to my email on Thursday, I have spoken to the letting agent and it is possible to pay the rent via separate direct debits. I have requested the forms so that I may do this and going forward will pay the letting agent 50% of the rent directly. I hope this assures your worries. You can also set up your own direct debit (there is no admin fee) or amend the direct debit from our joint account.

 

Please can you send me the information on the prepaid insurance as I’d like to claim for the Pandora bracelet."

 

Again, I'm going to be in no rush to reply because I feel like she'll just throw it back in my face. But it does appear she's moved passed the insults now she realises she needs things from me.

[tylerj]

I'm in that horrible place this morning where I feel like reaching out but I know I can't. I don't want a response, I just want to express my thoughts and how I've processed them. I want to send a letter, but I won't. I'll just write it here instead.

 

"I started that week on such a high – I felt so confident in our relationship. I’d just bought a holiday for your birthday present. I felt that we knew each other and trusted one another completely. The weekend before you told me how much you missed me when you were away and the night before you told me you were really happy. That Friday took me by complete surprise. I felt if there was anything wrong I trusted you to have raised it so we could talk through things in a safe place. In some ways I felt emotionally misled.

 

You needing space was a complete shock to me. You allowed me to misplace my trust in you that we'd talk through any problems - something I felt we’d worked so well at establishing in these past few weeks - and then you left. My behaviour in response was not rational; it was compulsive, irrational and inappropriate. It was triggered by the scariness of needing to turn to you but you not being there. I couldn't handle not talking to you, not knowing what was going on.

 

And now I feel like you hate me. You’ve accused me of stealing, you’ve compared me to a murderer, you’ve told me I’ve been provocative & threatening. I don’t feel I’ve warranted any of this.

 

I never understood the pressure you talked about, or your other reasons for running away. I probably never will.

 

One day I'd like to better understand why things ended up the way they did, but I accept that I likely won’t get any closure on our relationship from you.

 

I have coped OK though. Coming home to our flat every day has been hard, but my friends have been wonderful. I have been there for my parents too, when Rico sadly passed away last weekend.

 

I hope you’re doing OK too. I know your mum said to mine she could do without the stress of having you around, and I’m sorry for that. I hope your friends are there.

 

I have not said anything disrespectful or insulting to you and I won't. And if I see you in the street I won't pretend you don't exist. I loved you a lot and for the most part I felt we had something really special. "

[tylerj]

Now that things are almost resolved with my living situation and finances from my ex who moved out (a whole other story) I've been feeling the need to send her a letter as its something that that I think would make me feel better having sent. It's not something I'd send with any anticipation or expectation of reply, nor is it something that would be in any way offensive in tone. It'd be more along the lines of 'thank you for what you've given me, it has been hard to move on but I've started to let go' (albeit in a few more words than that).

 

Thoughts?

[darkbloom]

You'd save yourself a whole lot of grief if you wrote the letter and then just posted it here. You never quite get the closure you seek by reaching out one last time. I know you think that you don't want an answer from her but imagine how you'll feel if you really don't receive one. It will be terrible.

 

It's best to let it lie.

[PegNosePete]

No. You won't get a response, and that will haunt and hurt you as you try to analyze why she is not responding. It will bring you no closure at all.

 

Or you will get a response that is totally the opposite of what you're hoping for. It will open up more new questions that it answers. No closure there either.

 

Either way it will be a huge setback. Don't do it.

[aloneinaz]

If you want to make the ex think you're 100% pathethic and boost their ego further, by all means send it!!

 

Personally, Id have to much pride to do that. You want to heal, take back control in your life? Go radio silence and disappear from their life. Block them on everything and work on you. When ready, start looking for your next LOYL..

[tylerj]

I am going radio silence on her, at the moment. The only contact we have is over bills now.

 

FWIW the letter I typed above is not something I'm planning on sending; it would have been of a completely different tone.

 

But you're right, I won't do it.

[dangerbang]

Oh God a letter? I remember when I was about 21 and I split up with a girl, I sent letters etc. So pathetic! 13 years later and I still cringe!

 

If you want to make an absolute FOOL of yourself and become the unsexiest man of all time to her, go on and send her a letter or a text or anything. Keep us posted!

[tylerj]

So she responded to my most recent email where I clarified some details around bills, bank statements etc.

 

She's being really pedantic now, questioning my integrity and seemingly ignoring anything factual I put in front of her.

 

"I’m afraid I’m still concerned about the electricity bill and your reference to ‘bills owed’. In April I paid £613 into our joint account, whereas you only paid £150. My half of the electricity bill was paid for with the £613 that went in in April. I worry that you can’t see this, so perhaps if I phrase it another way:

 

In April we spent money from the joint account on water, food, sky and council tax. As you only paid £150 towards those costs, and I paid £613 – I just don’t see how it adds up as fair. Somewhere along the line you paid several hundred less than me, and I see the extra I paid as covering my share of the electricity bill."

 

This is despite her having access to the bank account and me having sent her an electronic statement showing I've paid a total of £663.76 (not £150) into the joint account since she paid her £613.

 

Then the final statement in her email is:

 

"However, please do not send emails during the working day as I find it incredibly upsetting and disruptive."

 

What am I supposed to make of that? It's over 4 weeks since she walked out now. I thought it would more likely be me who would be saying something like that. In any case, I cannot control when she reads my correspondence. (I sent it Thursday lunchtime).

 

It seems in one half of our correspondence she asks lots of questions and raises lots of issues which I need to respond to, yet in the other half she is trying to be restrictive on communication going back to her. She initiated the email conversation and I have replied message by message.

 

Would it be fair of me to - somewhere in my reply - say something like 'Please do not question my integrity in future correspondence' ? How much can I stand my ground without antagonising her?

[hunk]

She most likely is upset by getting these emails. It doesn't mean anything, it just means she's being constantly reminded about her failed relationship on a regular basis while she's trying to get on with life. Yes she needs to grow up and realize she made this decision but the implications of her decision are probably upsetting her now. Don't get this misconstrued with her wanting you back and wanting to be in a rel. with you again. The logistics of the break up are just upsetting her and she's having to be constantly reminded that she has an ex she has to interact with when in reality she just wants to forget and get on with things. This sounds harsh and cold but I think it's the truth.

 

Don't even address that last line from her - ignore it. Don't get caught up in this ****, keep your cool and just say what needs to be said re: finances and THAT'S IT. Nothing else you say will benefit you and will just make you feel like crap and make you look petty and hung up on it. She's probably trying to get some kind of rise out of you and come off as though she's calling the shots. Ignore it and continue to send emails when absolutely necessary and do not discuss anything personal.

[PegNosePete]

"However, please do not send emails during the working day as I find it incredibly upsetting and disruptive."

 

What am I supposed to make of that?

An electronic paper plane. Ignore it. Don't be drawn into stupid arguments like this.

 

Are you sending emails to her work email address? If so then I have to agree with her, you shouldn't be doing that during work hours, and in fact shouldn't be doing it at all. Send all communication to her personal email, then if she checks it during work hours, it's her own problem. If she finds it "upsetting and disruptive" it's her own fault for checking her private email during work hours.

 

Would it be fair of me to - somewhere in my reply - say something like 'Please do not question my integrity in future correspondence' ? How much can I stand my ground without antagonising her?

Look, you need to get something into your head here. What is "fair", and "standing your ground", is totally irrelevant. You've separated, you're not in marriage councelling trying to fix the relationship here. You should remain totally professional and business-like at all times. So no, telling her not to question your integrity is not going to help you whatsoever. All that matters at this point is the facts and figures. Stick to them.

 

If I were you I'd draw up an Excel sheet with all your inputs to the joint account, all your expenditures, etc. With 5 columns: your inputs, her inputs, your expenses, her expenses, and joint expenses. Then at the bottom deduct her expenses and half of the joint expenses from her inputs, she gets that amount back. And deduct your expenses plus half the joint expenses from your inputs, you get that amount back. Then halve the leftover.

 

Keep it free from emotion and stupid irrelevant arguments. A spreadsheet with statements to back it up. Then she has no leg to stand on. (Unless she goes the hardcore legal route, in which case you're probably screwed!)

Edited May 18, 2015 by PegNosePete

[tylerj]

Guys, I'd just like to thank you all for the advice, it has been really appreciated even if I've not always followed everything.

 

I owe an update. It's a good one. I guess by the fact I've not been on here for 8 days is in itself a sign of progress. I feel like I've let go. That's not to say there aren't moments in the day when I feel anxious - that sort of sick/nervous feeling in the abdomen - but I no longer feel sad. I've started to see the bad stuff in the relationship more clearly. I don't miss her, I miss the habit. I feel like if she rang me today to apologise or reconcile I would be strong enough to tell her to go away.

 

I concluded the long email chain on Friday. I had confirmation from the letting agent she has set up a direct debit to pay them directly. I've also sorted the move out date. She's still asking for money for the joint possessions, I simply told her I'd not contact her now, that I'd contact her after I have moved out with a net statement of who owes what (offsetting the money I owe for possessions against the money she owes for bills). I'm glad I've not heard from her since, and I've not been glancing at my phone every 5 minutes agonising over it.

 

It feels quite liberating. I'm happy with my life and optimistic about my future.

[dangerbang]

Guys, I'd just like to thank you all for the advice, it has been really appreciated even if I've not always followed everything.

 

I owe an update. It's a good one. I guess by the fact I've not been on here for 8 days is in itself a sign of progress. I feel like I've let go. That's not to say there aren't moments in the day when I feel anxious - that sort of sick/nervous feeling in the abdomen - but I no longer feel sad. I've started to see the bad stuff in the relationship more clearly. I don't miss her, I miss the habit. I feel like if she rang me today to apologise or reconcile I would be strong enough to tell her to go away.

 

I concluded the long email chain on Friday. I had confirmation from the letting agent she has set up a direct debit to pay them directly. I've also sorted the move out date. She's still asking for money for the joint possessions, I simply told her I'd not contact her now, that I'd contact her after I have moved out with a net statement of who owes what (offsetting the money I owe for possessions against the money she owes for bills). I'm glad I've not heard from her since, and I've not been glancing at my phone every 5 minutes agonising over it.

 

It feels quite liberating. I'm happy with my life and optimistic about my future.

 

Good man you. I'm probably in a similar boat right now. You'll only improve from now on.

[PegNosePete]

She's still asking for money for the joint possessions, I simply told her I'd not contact her now, that I'd contact her after I have moved out with a net statement of who owes what (offsetting the money I owe for possessions against the money she owes for bills).

Good man!

 

And when that day comes, don't let her argue. Just send her a cheque and that's it. If she gets arsey just tell her that you've taken everything into account and if she doesn't like it she knows where the local small claims court is. This type of claim is rarely worth the hassle of going to court so chances are she wouldn't bother even if she did have grounds. A nd on the remote chance that she did take it to court, you can still settle before the court date.