Am I misreading him?

[hartshapedbox]

Disclaimer: I suffer from depression and I seem cursed to always fall for those who I can never have, and yes, I try to fight those feelings. I understand that my feelings for this man are 'wrong' because he has a partner, because he is my co-worker and because he is a lot older than me. I don't need anyone to tell me this. I would simply like an interpretation or opinion on this man's behaviour towards me, as I do not know what to think and in my current state of mind, I do not trust my own judgement.

 

There's this male co-worker who is significantly older than me. Ever since he started working at my place of work a few months ago, he's been behaving towards me in a way that I would normally interpret as romantic interest, EXCEPT for the fact that he already has a partner and he is much older than me. So here's what I'm thinking:

- Either he IS 'into' me to some degree (though I doubt he would act on it)

- It's more a paternal/caring older adult towards younger person

- Or he is just naturally flirty and there's nothing more to it

 

I am crushing on him - he is a lovely man, very friendly and easy going, and physically attractive. His age doesn't phase me. I am aware that he has a partner and so I would never act on my feelings. But because of those feelings, I don't trust my own judgement when it comes to interpreting the signals I'm getting from him.

 

In a nutshell, here are some things that he does:

 

- Seems to find excuses to touch me throughout the day. E.g. mostly touching my shoulder or my upper arm. He often says things like "I would give you a hug/rub your shoulders but I don't want to be inappropriate" - also he ranted to me about the fact that workplaces don't allow touching and hugs etc, how some people might freak out etc. (Later on I thought maybe he was trying to gage how *I* felt about touching in the workplace...and indeed that's when all the shoulder/arm touching started)

 

- Will find an excuse to talk to me multiple times throughout the day, will sometimes seek me out/'bump into me' to ask non-urgent work-related questions he knows I probably wouldn't know the answer to - often coordinates his breaks with mine, sits with me

 

- Throughout the day will ask how I'm going, how's my workload, and sometimes talk about random things

 

- If I am especially quiet or down-looking (depression rearing it's head) he will ask if I'm okay; has said I can talk to him about anything if I need to. (I haven't spoken to him about my depression).

 

- Has implied that he thinks I am physically attractive a few times, through subtle comments such as something along the lines of "If I went to the gym I'd probably be hassled a lot by guys".

 

- Can get quite protective of me, says he has my back if anyone is nasty to me, asks who he should beat up, etc.

 

- Discusses personal life, such as bad relationships in the past, problems with a friend, etc. Asks about my friendship with other women in the office, if we see each other out of work, etc.

 

- Expresses interest in me as a person - e.g. my taste in music, movies, exercise/diet, what I do on the weekend, etc.

 

- Jokes around with me, can be a bit cheeky and has a bit of fun.

 

- I have caught him staring at me or watching me go past a few times.

 

Thanks for your thoughts. I really don't know what to make of this. Of course it's nice to think someone you like might be attracted to you, but I don't want to jump to any conclusions.

 

The only thing that makes me think "no way he likes me!" is when he mentions his partner sometimes (simple things like, oh she said this, did this, etc, never says her name) because I would assume if he was trying something on me, he wouldn't want to remind me that he has a partner.

[Frank2thepoint]

He often says things like "I would give you a hug/rub your shoulders but I don't want to be inappropriate" - also he ranted to me about the fact that workplaces don't allow touching and hugs etc, how some people might freak out etc. (Later on I thought maybe he was trying to gage how *I* felt about touching in the workplace...and indeed that's when all the shoulder/arm touching started)

 

This part made me think of a former co-worker of mine, who used to something similar to several women throughout the organization I work at. He was fired for inappropriate behavior, and several women came out of the woodwork afterward, complaining about how weird he was, but never filed an official complaint because they felt sorry for him. He is married with children.

 

Your co-worker sounds like a pervert. Since he does have a partner, it just means he's looking for something extra and fun on the side. He's being the typical "nice guy" that does nice things, but has clear ulterior motives. His feelings for you are purely physical, veiled behind genuine concern.

 

I can see how you wanted a second opinion, because if you've had problems with picking wrong men in the past, then I'm sure this guy falls into the same type. I recommend having some boundaries, especially at work. You can still be friendly as a co-worker, but do not go past that. Do not start touching him and do not allow him to touch you anymore. Just tell him it is not appropriate. Keep the conversations superficial and try to distance yourself a bit from him.

[RedButton]

I don't think he's a pervert, he's probably just trying to be genuinely nice towards you, and that's his way of showing it. I don't think it's a romantic thing so much as someone who's just naturally like that.

 

I've known people who are more likely to touch, hug etc other people at work just out of support and because it just comes naturally to them. If you're quiet and or shy a lot of people will naturally try to reach out and show concern too. I know and old guy at my last job used to say to me stuff like "You're always so quiet, just working away there. We worry about you sometimes, mate." in a really fatherly tone.

[La.Primavera]

If you have no intention on acting on your feelings then you don't need to know how he feels.

 

Look at it logically.

 

* If he doesn't like you, you will feel bad about yourself and more depressed.

* If he does like you, you said you won't do anything which will torment you and make you feel more depressed.

* If he does like you it could also be nothing more to him than a conquest or an ego boost. He gets flattery or sex from a younger woman. You are left feeling used, heartbroken and more depressed.

* He is in a relationship. If he is willing to stray, he would do the same to you.

 

When you look at the possible scenarios you end up more depressed. Your number one priority should be avoiding situations that increase feelings of depression.

 

Nothing good can come from indulging this fantasy. Make it your mission to find the right man. You deserve that.