Getting a Little Too Comfortable Being Single??

[loveweary11]

If its not too personal, what happened in your marriage?

 

 

The story is way, way too long. I married someone with diagnosed mental health issues, worked a "second job" on her head for 12 years, made tremendous progress together. Invested heavily in her. Figured I'd be married for life. One day she woke up different. 180 degree personality reversal. The person inside was gone. It was as if she died.

 

Then she went and did tons of crazy stuff she would not normally do, including immediate no contact, drained out our joint account, etc... etc...

 

This is someone I figured I'd be with for life.

 

I also read all the accounts on here. Love isn't such a promising thing. Looks to be very temporary at best.

 

So... I'm definitely not wanting to go through all that again, but at the same time, want to share life with someone.

 

Tricky stuff.

 

Still broken, I guess.

[elaine567]

I also read all the accounts on here. Love isn't such a promising thing. Looks to be very temporary at best.

 

So... I'm definitely not wanting to go through all that again, but at the same time, want to share life with someone.

...

Also, how can you even love anyone fully, knowing all relationships are temporary? I'll always hold back after what happened to me in my marriage. I'll never be able to give myself fully to anyone again, I don't think. It's permanent damage

 

99.9% of those who post on here have issues in their relationships, some have serious issues with themselves too, they are not good examples to choose.

 

NO damage is permanent, it is only permanent if you choose to let it be.

[loveweary11]

99.9% of those who post on here have issues in their relationships, some have serious issues with themselves too, they are not good examples to choose.

 

NO damage is permanent, it is only permanent if you choose to let it be.

 

Do you think it's pretty much like everything else in life?

 

To overcome:

Shyness

Fear of public speaking

Asking girls out

Swimming

Traveling

etc...etc...

 

Just do it?

 

Maybe it doesn't happen at first, but the more you try, the easier it gets?

[amaysngrace]

Keep putting yourself out there if you're ready to date. Someone out there will spark your interest enough to make it so you simply cannot not ask them out.

 

Until you find someone you hit it off with like that though don't waste your time and use them like a dress rehearsal.

Edited May 6, 2015 by amaysngrace
pollen head

[DivorcedDad123]

I think you're doing just fine. The two girls you've mentioned are waiving red flags all over the place. I don't think you're scared. I think you're learning to trust your gut feelings.

Keep on having fun until you meet one that doesn't have all of these drawbacks.

[empresario]

As long as you are happy, and are not impeding on someone else's ability to be happy, then just enjoy it. Just don't be an a-hole and you have no reason to be guilty.

 

 

It's about personality more than it is about any of these other factors. Worried about loneliness in 30 years? Invest in friends. Male companionship is essential for every well functioning guy...especially if you aren't gay. When it's time to settle you will know...but you can't force it.

 

 

For example, I've had 2 women break up with me because they want kids and I don't. I feel like I should want kids. I feel like I'm a great genetic candidate to reproduce both physically and intellectually (can you tell I'm also a scientist? ). But no matter how much time goes by that urge to ctrl+c, ctrl+v myself never actually happens and I can't say it ever will. My legacy is in my companies and the people I've impacted through them.

Edited May 6, 2015 by empresario

[Ninjainpajamas]

Everyone has their "issues"...at laugh at the damn people who are like "well someone who is in a healthy relationship or person wouldn't do x or x"...these people obvious think there is this fairy tale world where there are a certain segment of the population who are actually "healthy".

 

If someone tries to talk to you about what you're missing out in life, and how you're not the perfect guy...do one thing that will always put things back into perspective, take a look at them and their own lives, observe and analyze these people mentally, watch how they live and acknowledge and make them acknowledge their own faults...not because you're just trying to be defensive and deflect responsibility but because people need to look in the mirror, especially those people thinking that they are actually "healthy"...the reality is, there is no healthy relationship, there's just relationships, with people who have issues of a different kind, that's the real world, that's the people that are in it.

 

As long as you learned from your past and it's helped you carve a new path and interest in life, don't be scared of it. Don't be afraid to trust how you feel and what you see with your own eyes (figuratively speaking), your body, your soul is telling you something, and this world is full of influences...there's always someone telling you that you aren't doing something and should be better.

 

So don't take criticism without holding a mirror, make sure that person can reflect their own faults and observe their own short-comings, because I guarantee you, no matter how perfect they may look or seem to be on the outside, they NEVER are...and that's a fact, not an opinion.

 

There are people in this world who are idealistic, who are feminist, who have an agenda for one side....for example their own opinion. You have to do the balancing act, trust yourself and also take into account the advice or perspectives of others...however never let it come from a place where you feel like you're doing something just to prove something to someone else....you don't have anything to prove to anyone, just do right by you and do what you feel and know what is right for you.

 

You're going to know if it's time to change your way of thinking, you're not going to be in the same state or mindset you will be in now. And because of your history of relationship and traditional views I can tell you right now you're going to meet a girl where in an instant, you're going to want to change it all...because apart of you, just like for a lot of guys, misses that feeling and loses themselves in the fantasies of forever after with the "perfect woman".

 

But there is no perfect woman, just like you are not the perfect man. These women or even people will "waste their time" in things they think they're investing in, they think that having this certain mindset and goal, or desire to have this big "commitment" is going to give them and bring everything they want in the end...at the end of the day look at these "suckers", I hate to be so blunt about it...but look at their damn lives, does that look appetizing to you? does that look like everything you ever wanted? how often do you even see a relationship, let alone a marriage that's worth a damn? it's not often.

 

You have an insecurity and you know your issues, but don't let someone come in from left field and exploit that...because you already have that trace of guilt and insecurity, and some people are going to pick at that just to get you to "change" into what they want, not what you want...and yet at the end of the day they will say they are not manipulative...everybody is or can be manipulative.

 

So just lay the map across the battlefield general and see things how they really are, you'll waste a lot less of your own time and energy seeing things the way they are and going by the feeling you have about it...rather than trying to derail the natural flow of things and investing energy against the current.

 

Right now you're getting vagina, you're a happy guy and enjoying life. Don't question it, don't feel guilty about it, just go with it. Life is short, you can't change or direct everything in your life anyway, if it feels right and legit within yourself then go with it...block out the sound, you will be encouraged and motivated by women to enter relationships, that's just what they do, unfortunately they do that with almost every guy...every guy out there, some woman wants a relationship and bright future with, don't just fall into that trap of fitting the prototype, a lot of these women are more in love with the idea of love than they are with the man.

 

You be the chooser, you hold the power of your own decisions..don't just fly all over the place with your feelings and infatuations and make rash decisions, give things time to settle and you'll see things with a clearer mind or for what they are.

 

Of course, this is the general advice and what you are trying to do...we all fail or fall out at some point, just really try to trust those instincts, dig deep down and let that light guide you...if you can of course, that's the idea anyway.

 

But beware, I'm warning you that there's a lot of women out there that will pull out all the stops to get you to commit, they'll pull out all the big guns they got on you...they've got really big ego's and will really work on you, be wary and don't buckle for one of those, don't start compromising your decisions and rules, stay on course.

[Emilia]

The story is way, way too long. I married someone with diagnosed mental health issues, worked a "second job" on her head for 12 years, made tremendous progress together. Invested heavily in her. Figured I'd be married for life. One day she woke up different. 180 degree personality reversal. The person inside was gone. It was as if she died.

 

Then she went and did tons of crazy stuff she would not normally do, including immediate no contact, drained out our joint account, etc... etc...

 

This is someone I figured I'd be with for life.

This and the women you described previously make me think you were brought up in a way that didn't make you happy as a child. Hence the fear and attracting the broken ones (broken by pretty much anyone's standards). Some posters encourage you because they can see themselves in you, they have the same issues as you: fear of abandonment. You attach to the wrong kind. I think that from what I've read here.

[Emilia]

For example, I've had 2 women break up with me because they want kids and I don't. I feel like I should want kids. I feel like I'm a great genetic candidate to reproduce both physically and intellectually (can you tell I'm also a scientist? ). But no matter how much time goes by that urge to ctrl+c, ctrl+v myself never actually happens and I can't say it ever will. My legacy is in my companies and the people I've impacted through them.

Yes that part is hard. I knew when I was 18 even that I didn't want kids. It's hard to find men who are on the same page but who also want a relationship. Most want all or swing completely in the other way towards nothing. Very few are down in the middle wanting a long term partner but no children. And of course quite a few have them already by the time they hit 35 and divorce.

[loveweary11]

Yes that part is hard. I knew when I was 18 even that I didn't want kids. It's hard to find men who are on the same page but who also want a relationship. Most want all or swing completely in the other way towards nothing. Very few are down in the middle wanting a long term partner but no children. And of course quite a few have them already by the time they hit 35 and divorce.

 

This is precisely what I am looking for in the long run.

 

We need a dating site for it.

[loveweary11]

This and the women you described previously make me think you were brought up in a way that didn't make you happy as a child. Hence the fear and attracting the broken ones (broken by pretty much anyone's standards). Some posters encourage you because they can see themselves in you, they have the same issues as you: fear of abandonment. You attach to the wrong kind. I think that from what I've read here.

 

I'm a sucker for exciting ones....

 

But I'd go for stable ones. Just don't know many.

[BlueIris]

Also, how can you even love anyone fully, knowing all relationships are temporary? I'll always hold back after what happened to me in my marriage. I'll never be able to give myself fully to anyone again, I don't think. It's permanent damage.

 

This caught my eye.

 

Everything is temporary, transient, impermanent. Google impermanence. You can choose not to love fully again, but to do so because relationships are impermanent is like doing so because the sun rises. Would you choose to not love your child knowing that your child will die one day, perhaps before you die? To not love someone again because he or she could leave, die, become ill, or hurt you? I wouldn’t. Love is too good to quit doing forever.

 

But aside from that, if you are happy, continue to be happy. I see nothing wrong with being single and working and travelling and being comfortable. It sounds very nice.

[joseb]

Worried about loneliness in 30 years? Invest in friends. Male companionship is essential for every well functioning guy...especially if you aren't gay. When it's time to settle you will know...but you can't force it.

 

Yeah male companionship is very important. OP I din;t see much mention of male friends- do you have a network of guys you hang out with?

[empresario]

Yes that part is hard. I knew when I was 18 even that I didn't want kids. It's hard to find men who are on the same page but who also want a relationship. Most want all or swing completely in the other way towards nothing. Very few are down in the middle wanting a long term partner but no children. And of course quite a few have them already by the time they hit 35 and divorce.

 

Yes, why can't we just figure out ways to be happy little DINKs (dual income no kids)?

 

 

I keep telling myself why I'm done doing everything else I want in life I will have a kid. It's funny how you never run out of new things to do when you don't settle down too early.

 

 

I am still relatively young, BTW. Just aged beyond my years. It would be interesting to tell my full story then have people guess my age. Like a disturbing carnival game...where the only prize is quietly weeping to yourself in the fetal position, haha.

[hotpotato]

Dang I could have started this thread!

 

Btw I'm a crazy dog lady. It's not that bad. I don't smell funny or scowl (as much).

 

I also feel like love is temporary. It also needs a lot of work. I see people in love with someone one week, in love with someone else a few weeks later. What is real or genuine about that?

 

I've been single two years nearly to the day. I've adapted quite well. I've my own projects and passions. I struggle with thinking I *should* want to date, but I've grown to be quite happy. I get to do what I want, when I want aside from my responsibilities.

 

Well, I think you're smart, cute, and I have low needs, and I won't interfere much with your projects. Just sayin. #noshameinmygame

[Gwwm123]

I'm starting to get very comfortable with my current setup.

 

Here's what's appealing after being married or in long term relationships for most of my life....

 

 

I have my solitude when I want it

I have tons of free time to pursue my interests

I can have sex within hours of the urge arising by texting various girls

I have some good friendships and lovers

Im not lonely

I have women who pop in and out of my life willing to travel and enjoy life with me

I can focus completely on work or other projects

I don't have to answer to anyone

Nobody asks where i am

I get a variety of personalities to "date" or whatever

I'm starting to enjoy meeting new people all the time

 

 

I'm not remembering why I would want a long term relationship or new wife.

 

Is anyone else feeling uninterested in long term committed relationships?

 

Is this normal? I've pretty much been in relationships/married since high school.

 

I would truly embrace your position, not for reasons of sex or having all the women you want, but because it is really really really depressing and hard to be a person who wants a relationship and simply cannot find one.

 

If you are in the position of meeting many women and experience all types, I think eventually you will find the one who really makes you tickle and things will start to build from then.

 

I too have loads of time for myself, I work about 2 hours a day, I have to respond to no one, I enjoy my hobbies but all of that seems colorless without a partner, it shouldn't but changing how you feel is not something than can be done in a blink of an eye.

 

Feel lucky and grateful you don't feel the need to have someone next to you to truly enjoy the things you like to do. You experienced marriage, you know what it involves, have had relationships and know that as well, maybe being single sits just right with you instead of the other two.

 

Again, enjoy it, take advantage of not feeling miserable like many of us too because were single and can't find someone to save our lives.