I confronted, he denied. New evidence. What now?

[Kate45]

BetrayedH thank you for that, although I don't know how much it helps.

 

The thing is... if this were a stranger, it would be easier to forgive and try to repair. Even if nothing sexual happened between H and my SS, the emotional betrayal is worse for me than a sexual encounter with a stranger to me would have been.

[BetrayedH]

BetrayedH thank you for that, although I don't know how much it helps.

 

The thing is... if this were a stranger, it would be easier to forgive and try to repair. Even if nothing sexual happened between H and my SS, the emotional betrayal is worse for me than a sexual encounter with a stranger to me would have been.

 

Yeah, I wasn't sure it would help much. Really, how much better is it that your H isn't cheating, just trying to? For some people, that's enough to be a dealbreaker.

 

I do think it's merited to track your husband while you're away via a combination of a GPS and a VAR. If that reveals something, then use that to make an informed decision. If it reveals nothing sketchy, then I'd probably recommend a confrontation so you can stop any further nonsense in its tracks. I highly recommend reading 'Not Just Friends' by Shirley Glass. And based on your H's texts, I'd require him to read it as well. And don't mKe it optional; he reads it or you make an appt with a family law atty.

[BetrayedH]

Oh, and yes, it's common for women to be even more concerned with emotional infidelity than with physical infidelity when there's no emotional connection. Men are typically the opposite; we can almost entirely disregard an emotional connection but if an affair goes physical, we have a hell of a time getting over it. There are some exceptions on both sides but I'd say you're pretty normal in that regard. The fact that this is with a family member is particularly disturbing.

[Kate45]

I hate this. I'm suspicious of everything. I've never experienced this before. I got online to our cell phone account to check usage. A new number showed up on my husbands line. There was a 4 minute phone conversation, and several texts, starting yesterday evening around 4:00pm. I did a google search on the number, nothing helpful came up. I also went to spydialer.com and ran the number through it - for those who don't know, this website allows you to listen to a persons outgoing voicemail message without their phone ever ringing. The number is our area code at home (not the new state we are living in) and the prefix is actually the same as my cell phone number. Nothing came up on spydialer - no outgoing voicemail, no name, nothing.

 

Does anyone know of any other way to find out whose number this is? We have not had a land line phone for years, so I can't block my number and call.

 

There are MANY of my husbands business contacts that have the same area code and prefix as this number and I have been able to verify all of them, mostly through spydialer. So I don't want to jump to conclusions...but the fact that there is no voice mail on this phone leads me to believe that it could be a pre-paid phone. Ugh!!!!!!!! I really hate this!

[Kate45]

We are heading back home for the weekend to see our parents. Hopefully, when we stop to get gas, he will leave his phone in the car like he normally does when he goes in to pay and I can check it out. If he has deleted the texts from this strange number, I will know to investigate further.

[CarrieT]

OP, if your husband drives a car to-and-from work, you could consider a Voice Activated Recorder.

 

Most cheaters use the solitude of their cars to make private phone calls and you would hide it in his car to hear what is happening. Many suggest buying two; so that you can switch them out easily.

[flowergirl14]

I might suggest dialing *67 ( or whatever you can use to block your #) Then call it. If your ss answers then you could hang up. It might go to voicemail. ive had pretty good luck with free phone number lookup app from the play store on android. Where does he call from? His office? home? Try putting a recording device in those places.

[BetrayedH]

I might suggest dialing *67 ( or whatever you can use to block your #) Then call it. If your ss answers then you could hang up. It might go to voicemail. ive had pretty good luck with free phone number lookup app from the play store on android. Where does he call from? His office? home? Try putting a recording device in those places.

 

Checking the phone is probably easiest. I also just checked the apple store and found a bunch of reverse phone lookup apps that are free.

[sandylee1]

I feel your H worded those texts, so as not to come across so blatant. Especially putting 'kiddo' in his messages. He's preying on a vulnerable person, with the hope that no one would believe her if she said anything.

 

He has definitely overstepped the mark and his actions, if he truly sent those messages ( assuming they havent been edited) would be a dealbreaker for many and further investigation wouldn't be necessary, but it's about you, what you want and what you can forgive.

[beach]

We are heading back home for the weekend to see our parents. Hopefully, when we stop to get gas, he will leave his phone in the car like he normally does when he goes in to pay and I can check it out. If he has deleted the texts from this strange number, I will know to investigate further.

 

He'd be a fool to leave evidence in his phone now.

 

The thing is - she's altered and the damsel in distress. He wants to feel powerful by rescuing her. It makes him feel important.

 

But... The way you presented it gives me the creeps - it looks like he's the perpetrator and she is his victim.

 

Every perpetrator looks for the weakest victim - it's their goal. Less resistance in a weak person.

 

 

Has he ever done that before?

[Purepony]

I don't think he's cheating but I am concerned.

Please update us soon

[beatcuff]

Especially putting 'kiddo' in his messages.

 

i take that more to be from a uncle than the expected "babe" "honey" and per OP he took 'hours to respond' (not a typical affair reaction).

 

this could go either way. and as such doing PI/VAR/atty could backfire.

 

OP understand while YOU decided tough love a/k/a had enough, he may have not. each person has a breaking point and maybe he had not reached his.

 

but taking the other side: after she accused him of making a pass, then forwarding the texts to you... man i have been wrong enough to know --- that i do not know.

[oldshirt]

At minimum, he is dumb, naive and opening himself up for suspicion. He needs to at least have better boundaries and just common sense.

 

That being said, I wouldn't trust a word out of her. She drunk, a druggie, a manipulator, a lier and if she has a beef against you, there is no limits to what she will do to get back at you.

 

She she could pictures and videos of them having sex and I would still question the validity of it.

 

Discount anything that comes out of her mouth unless you have witnessed it first hand with your own eyes and ears, and even then keep a high index of suspicion that she may be trying to pull something.

 

That does not let your H off the hook though. He has no obligation to be her white knight in shining armor he has no right to maintain close contact with her while the rest of the family strives to not enable her.

 

He is either trying to score a blow job or a quickie off of her, or he is being catastrophically stupid and putting everything at risk for a druggie that everyone else has wised up to.

 

I say go ahead and do the VARs in his office, car and anywhere else he may have private convos. Continue to check the phones, emails, computers etc and gather whatever info you can to see what's happening with your own eyes and hear with your own ears.

 

This is a powder keg and she is a loose cannon that can't ever be trusted for anything and he is at least being galactically stupid and irresponsible. You are in a room stacked to the ceiling with gunpowder and these two nitwits are playing with matches. Someone needs to be responsible here and put the kabosh on this now.

[Kate45]

I appreciate all of your responses. Thank you.

 

I'm happy to report that the phone number I was concerned about is a business contact. All text messages were still in H's phone.

 

I agree with many of you who say not to believe a word my SS says. I stopped believing 99% of what she says a long time ago. That girl wouldn't know the truth if it slapped her across the face. The biggest question for me is, why would she throw her biggest supporter (my H) under the bus? He was the only person in the family who was still taking her calls. I don't believe he was helping her financially - like I said, I keep a pretty tight grasp on our finances - but he was still talking to her.

 

Right now, I'm making a list of everything that has raised flags to me in the past few months. I'm going back over cell phone bills, emails between my best friend and I where I vented to her about things, and creating a time line. When I sit down to talk to him about all of this, I want all of my ducks in a row. That way, if he tries to lie, or backpedal, I'm prepared with my information.

[SJS]

I agree with many of you who say not to believe a word my SS says. I stopped believing 99% of what she says a long time ago. That girl wouldn't know the truth if it slapped her across the face. The biggest question for me is, why would she throw her biggest supporter (my H) under the bus? He was the only person in the family who was still taking her calls. I don't believe he was helping her financially - like I said, I keep a pretty tight grasp on our finances - but he was still talking to her.

 

Is it possible that she mistook his concern as attraction and came on to him? If he turned her down, she may want to get revenge on him...

[Noirek]

Is it possible that she mistook his concern as attraction and came on to him? If he turned her down, she may want to get revenge on him...

 

I read the thread and this is what I thought. Or perhaps he started to see she was a user took a step back and it ticked her off. She is a classic user and sounds like she would love to tear you guys apart.

 

Yes, victims take months to come forward. However if those are the worst texts she has got then that isn't much. Unless your husband has a strange unheard of fetish you don't call someone you want to be with kiddo. It is possible for people to want to be the hero without sexual or romantic interests. Think of all the people who keep platonic user friends when others walk away. They enable the behaviour and think others are being too harsh. If I could guess I would say your husband didn't want to be the bad guy and so when she reached out to him he hid it from you and thought he knew better. Not unusual. I would confront him. Possibly with kindness and not a "i told you so" attitude. And take it from their. He may not be a cheater but his attitude and explanations may go a long way for showing you if this is something you want to work past. And doing it kindly but firmly will help in keeping his back away from the wall

[oldshirt]

 

The biggest question for me is, why would she throw her biggest supporter (my H) under the bus? He was the only person in the family who was still taking her calls.

 

 

 

 

 

You are trying to look at what she does and says from a logical standpoint. You can't do that. Druggies brains are don't function right and they do not think, respond, act or feel like a normal, healthy person would in a similar circumstance.

 

They are malfunctioning. They cannot be trusted for anything they say or do. They will lie, steal, cheat, manipulate and do anything to achieve whatever their twisted mind wants at that moment.

 

Now there may be some sick people that prey on that fact and target druggies because they think no-one will believe them and so they use and abuse them, but if you have no empirical evidence that your husband is trying to get in her knickers, then there is no reason to believe anything she says.

 

That doesn't completely let your husband off the hook though because he should know better than to involve himself in her personal matters for this very reason. By getting involved with her to any degree is putting himself at unnecessary risk of her pulling something like this. Him spending any alone time with her is simply dumb dumb dumb at best.

 

If he is sincere and legit, then he needs to have some personal boundaries with her that preclude him from ever having any unsupervised time with her or discussing anything other than the weather.

[beach]

I agree with oldshirt.

 

 

He has a motive - otherwise he wouldn't keep in contact with her.

 

What is his motive?

 

 

 

We know she isn't of sound mind. So anything she says or does won't make sense.

 

But why is HE making effort for her? Why - when he knows it will upset you, his wife? His motive must be bigger than hurting your feelings... That's the only logical conclusion.

 

 

Has he always been the rescuer?

[Thicke2013]

You are trying to look at what she does and says from a logical standpoint. You can't do that. Druggies brains are don't function right and they do not think, respond, act or feel like a normal, healthy person would in a similar circumstance.

 

They are malfunctioning. They cannot be trusted for anything they say or do. They will lie, steal, cheat, manipulate and do anything to achieve whatever their twisted mind wants at that moment.

 

Now there may be some sick people that prey on that fact and target druggies because they think no-one will believe them and so they use and abuse them, but if you have no empirical evidence that your husband is trying to get in her knickers, then there is no reason to believe anything she says.

 

That doesn't completely let your husband off the hook though because he should know better than to involve himself in her personal matters for this very reason. By getting involved with her to any degree is putting himself at unnecessary risk of her pulling something like this. Him spending any alone time with her is simply dumb dumb dumb at best.

 

If he is sincere and legit, then he needs to have some personal boundaries with her that preclude him from ever having any unsupervised time with her or discussing anything other than the weather.

 

 

I agree with this 100%. I am a very giving person by nature and have a hard time saying no as well. I can also be accused of being a bit naïve at times and give people the benefit of the doubt. I think the SS continued to contact your H because he, as you said, was the only one that would take her calls. I think he was legitimately trying to help her by talking to her etc. She probably wanted money and not any help or advice. When he wouldn't give her what she wanted, whether it be money or sex or whatever, she exacted revenge. She made up this story in hopes that you would believe her after all because she is family, and kick him out.

 

 

Now, that isn't to say that I would simply dismiss all of this without at least some digging or investigating if I were you. I would still place a VAR in his car especially if he uses it a lot for work. There are apps if you have an iphone where you can install on someone's phone without them knowing and it won't show up on there screen. Then from your phone you can receive all of their texts, VM's, etc. It's actually designed for parent's to use with their children but if you could get his phone while in the shower or something it would work here too. Here's the link to an article about it.

 

 

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