Eighty_nine Posted April 29, 2015 Share Posted April 29, 2015 (edited) I know most people here feel very strongly about No Contact and I understand and agree with those sentiments, mostly. I'm asking partially due to my ex popping back up in my life after 7 months, but also as a general question. He treated me badly, was a major game player although in between all that, we did share a connection. We were alike in all of our insecurities and strengths. Looking back, we had more of a platonic bond than a romantic bond- we probably should've only ever been just friends. I finally ended it with him and went NC because of all the confusion and negativity it brought to my life. I ran into him a couple weeks ago, and the next day he texted me. I unblocked him awhile ago but we hadn't spoken in 7 months. At first hearing from him was a big "to do" for me; but it's been two weeks and we've texted a few times since then and I'm starting to feel almost desensitized to him. Yes, I do still have some feelings for him but I fell in love after him and realized how much more the world has to offer me. In short I DO NOT want to be with him or in our old harmful cycle again. But our little communication here and there has brought me some peace and demystified him and the whole situation for me. I don't know that I necessarily want to be "friends", but I wouldn't mind talking now and then. Has anyone else had this experience? Edited April 29, 2015 by lissvarna Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 So now that he's dymystified, dump him. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused48 Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 How long were you a couple? How close were you? Any significant relationship can lead to wanting to stay connected albeit in a lesser sort of way. After time passes and feelings fade, why not allow some contact. IMHO it would be odd not to unless there was something really bad about the other person or the relationship. Like if it was an affair. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
blackcat777 Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 Honestly, there's nothing to gain from contact with exes... for you or the ex. I had an ex that I kept in touch with, we were on good terms, blahblahblah. When I met my current boyfriend, one day it hit me like a truck how inappropriate and misplaced it is for me to continue carrying on with any ex, even in the most superficial way. I never thought this way before until I felt so intensely moved to be the best person I can be in my current relationship. Also, good lord, what a break that ex finally got. Now he's free to live his life without some other girl who digs him wondering why on earth he talks to his ex on Facebook. It's really best to leave the past in the past. It was technically four years after we broke up that I finally let that one go. Focus on your future. If you wish him well, leave him be to focus on his. Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 I keep in touch with most of my exes to some extent, fwiw. Also I totally get it about the demystification - it's truly a great thing when that happens, because their power's gone and they just become mortals and not these weird idols that everyone imagines their IRL-average-at-heart exes to be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 He treated me badly, was a major game player You know what kind of guy he is. Why in hell would you want to be friends with him? Even if "friends" is limited to distant or intermittent communication? If he were a stranger would you choose to form a new friendship with him, knowing that he treats people badly and plays games? I certainly wouldn't. I have some basic human standards for my friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Frank2thepoint Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 Some bridges are meant to be burned. Move forward in life, not backwards. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 You know what kind of guy he is. Why in hell would you want to be friends with him? Even if "friends" is limited to distant or intermittent communication? If he were a stranger would you choose to form a new friendship with him, knowing that he treats people badly and plays games? I certainly wouldn't. I have some basic human standards for my friends. and Some bridges are meant to be burned. Move forward in life, not backwards. If you know someone is an a-hole why oh why would you want to be friends with them? Do you want to "save" him? Reality check you wont. An a-hole is always going to be an a-hole. Ditch him and get on with life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eighty_nine Posted May 1, 2015 Author Share Posted May 1, 2015 (edited) You know what kind of guy he is. Why in hell would you want to be friends with him? Even if "friends" is limited to distant or intermittent communication? If he were a stranger would you choose to form a new friendship with him, knowing that he treats people badly and plays games? I certainly wouldn't. I have some basic human standards for my friends. I don't appreciate the implication that I don't have standards. Actually, all of my friends are good ones. I've known this person for 10 years and before our romantic involvement, he never treated me poorly. But we weren't close. More importantly, he's close to a couple close friends of mine and I'd prefer to have a cordial/decent relationship with him. There will be lots of run ins over the years undoubtedly. But most of you are missing my point. You're all hardcore NC and I understand. But there may in fact be benefits of NOT being hard and fast NC although for some reason most people won't acknowledge them. Edited May 1, 2015 by lissvarna 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 (edited) I don't appreciate the implication that I don't have standards. Well, I don't appreciate the implication that I'm implying you don't have standards. I never said that. I simply said that I have standards for my friends, and that the qualities you yourself have stated about your ex, would not meet the standards I expect of my friends. He treated me badly, was a major game player he never treated me poorly Sorry, I'm confused. Can you get your story straight please? FYI I'm not blindly supporting NC, in fact my best mate is good friends with his ex and they have a great friendship. He spends a lot of time with her, her husband and their 2 young kids. So I can totally see the benefits of being friends with an ex in certain situations. I judge each case on its merits and its merits alone and I'm answering your question based solely on the facts as you have presented them. He treated you badly and played games. NC, do not pass go, do not collect £200. But if you disagree then go ahead and be his friend. Not sure why you posted this thread if you're just going to disagree with everyone, though. Edited May 1, 2015 by PegNosePete Link to post Share on other sites
Confused48 Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 I can see the point of some people here, that if you broke up bc the other person was a complete jerk and terrible person, cheated on you, then sure, why would you want to keep in touch. On the other hand, sometimes it is just not a good match. Things changed. Whatever. Time passes and even if the break up was difficult you still have things in common. You get over the break up and contact is normalized. I've got two ex's in my life that I have known now for decades. We are like family. I dated them for a blink of the eye compared to how long I have known them now. The dating part of our relationship is so insignificant by comparison. I'd surely hate to think I'd never have had these two long term friends in my life just bc we once dated and it did not work out. It seems very short sighted to cut people out of your life like that for no good reason. That being said, there are very good reasons to cut an ex out of your life. Even to the point of going very hard core NC. But in all cases, no. IMHO. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eighty_nine Posted May 1, 2015 Author Share Posted May 1, 2015 (edited) Well, I don't appreciate the implication that I'm implying you don't have standards. I never said that. I simply said that I have standards for my friends, and that the qualities you yourself have stated about your ex, would not meet the standards I expect of my friends. Sorry, I'm confused. Can you get your story straight please? FYI I'm not blindly supporting NC, in fact my best mate is good friends with his ex and they have a great friendship. He spends a lot of time with her, her husband and their 2 young kids. So I can totally see the benefits of being friends with an ex in certain situations. I judge each case on its merits and its merits alone and I'm answering your question based solely on the facts as you have presented them. He treated you badly and played games. NC, do not pass go, do not collect £200. But if you disagree then go ahead and be his friend. Not sure why you posted this thread if you're just going to disagree with everyone, though. My "story" was pretty clear all along; you took those quotes totally out of context. Before we were romantically involved, he didn't treat me poorly. As a casual friend for 10 years I never had an issue with him. While we were romantically involved, he did treat me poorly. But my post wasn't about whether I should be romantically involved with this guy again. That's an obvious NO. I'm not flat out disagreeing with anything. I'm suggesting there may be shades of grey. There may be instances which, after healing, some contact may actually be helpful and provide resolution. I'm good friends with my first boyfriend, also my most intense relationship and have some communication with a few of my exes. So I guess my post wasn't a question as much as I was wondering if anyone else had these experiences, and what the outcomes were. Edited May 1, 2015 by lissvarna Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 the only acceptable contact IMO is causal contact -- when you randomly bumped into him it was fine to be pleasant. Beyond that nothing is required. Link to post Share on other sites
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