jdubinva Posted April 29, 2015 Share Posted April 29, 2015 (edited) So, the woman I was with for 9 or so months recently decided to end things two months ago. It was tough because it came as a shock... she was telling me she loved me up until the week of the breakup. After getting angry about the way I felt misled and sending some mean messages we eventually started talking again. This wasn't (for her) in the hope of trying again and I really don't know why she's contacting me, text, phone... I jokingly suggested that she was just used to talking to me. She occasionally mentions some new guy that she has been seeing and says they have a lot in common, both avid runners..I told her I wasn't interested in hearing about him and she's stopped but she still wants to talk. The talking is basically the same as when we were together except she mentioned the other guy and even though she's stopped, she still wants to talk. I don't think this is positive for me in anyway. What gives here? Why would she want to keep talking (we didn't for a month)? Edited April 29, 2015 by jdubinva typo Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted April 29, 2015 Share Posted April 29, 2015 Move on. *No direct contact in either direction. No sending or receiving of messages. No replies. Block any means she might use to contact you. *No indirect contact through third parties. *De-friend or delete from all social media. No monitoring of her on social media. *No 'little birds' feeding you news. *Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tylerj Posted April 29, 2015 Share Posted April 29, 2015 Comfort. She wants you to remain as a friend. It will do you no good in trying to get over the relationship, allowing her to maintain this contact. Either block her immediately, or if you want to be polite tell her you will no longer be contacting her and move on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jdubinva Posted April 29, 2015 Author Share Posted April 29, 2015 I agree that no contact is the way to go. It's probably a waste of my time and emotional energy but why do you think she is in touch with me? I'm talking about initiating calls, etc 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SLee Posted April 29, 2015 Share Posted April 29, 2015 She sounds lonely and that she has feelings still. Maybe she misses the comfort and stability of the relationship. She probably misses you on some level. But if she's still out with this guy, she's not going to reconcile. She stringing both of you along until one doesn't work out. You don't deserve that. Go NC and move on. When you're both moved on and she decides she actually wants to reconcile and is ready, maybe then. But for now, just move on and do right by you. Don't put yourself through this. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jdubinva Posted April 29, 2015 Author Share Posted April 29, 2015 I think you're right that she wants comfort. I'm not going to be her favorite old slippers though. She's called me today even. The things I said after the breakup would have driven most women running far, far away. Not her though and I think she does want someone to talk to about anything and the new guy may not be doing that (she does keep proclaiming that they're taking it slow). I don't ask for details. Link to post Share on other sites
Tone Loc Posted April 29, 2015 Share Posted April 29, 2015 Could be for any number of reasons. Maybe she's feeling lonely, maybe she's feeling guilty, maybe bored, wants someone (anyone) to talk to. Could be an ego boost, a way for her to feel good about herself. Best thing to do is to go full NC again, cut her out of your life. Time to settle this once and forever. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted April 29, 2015 Share Posted April 29, 2015 I think you're right that she wants comfort. I'm not going to be her favorite old slippers though. She's called me today even. The things I said after the breakup would have driven most women running far, far away. Not her though and I think she does want someone to talk to about anything and the new guy may not be doing that (she does keep proclaiming that they're taking it slow). I don't ask for details. You're obviously a nice person, and someone good to talk to. You are fair, decent, and trustworthy. Who would not like that? The problem might be inequality. While she is basking in the glow of your good nature, what do you receive in return? It would need to be something of equal value. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SLee Posted April 29, 2015 Share Posted April 29, 2015 I think you're right that she wants comfort. I'm not going to be her favorite old slippers though. She's called me today even. The things I said after the breakup would have driven most women running far, far away. Not her though and I think she does want someone to talk to about anything and the new guy may not be doing that (she does keep proclaiming that they're taking it slow). I don't ask for details. My ex is/was the same way. He wanted the comfort, emotional support, blah blah blah of the relationship but doesn't want to be WITH me. He wants to talk and hang out post break up and be friends. He doesn't want to be alone, but he doesn't want to be with me. Your first sentence is right on point. DON'T be her back burner person. Don't be the person who is going to comfort her through her own storm. The relationship is over so she's on her own now. You don't owe her anything. If you have to, tell her that, but either way stop talking to her and move on. It seems harsh, but it's necessary. You have to take care of you now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jdubinva Posted April 29, 2015 Author Share Posted April 29, 2015 Could be for any number of reasons. Maybe she's feeling lonely, maybe she's feeling guilty, maybe bored, wants someone (anyone) to talk to. Could be an ego boost, a way for her to feel good about herself. Best thing to do is to go full NC again, cut her out of your life. Time to settle this once and forever. I agree with you about it possibly being an ego boost and at times, esp late at night, she may be lonely. She has a young child so her social life is kind of limited. I agree that full NC is the best way to go so I don't keep banging my head against the wall when I could be moving on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jdubinva Posted April 29, 2015 Author Share Posted April 29, 2015 My ex is/was the same way. He wanted the comfort, emotional support, blah blah blah of the relationship but doesn't want to be WITH me. He wants to talk and hang out post break up and be friends. He doesn't want to be alone, but he doesn't want to be with me. Your first sentence is right on point. DON'T be her back burner person. Don't be the person who is going to comfort her through her own storm. The relationship is over so she's on her own now. You don't owe her anything. If you have to, tell her that, but either way stop talking to her and move on. It seems harsh, but it's necessary. You have to take care of you now. I never thought that I was actually supporting her while she sees what happens with whoever. It does make sense though. Thank you for the observation and I'll keep that in mind the next time she calls. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted April 29, 2015 Share Posted April 29, 2015 I agree with you about it possibly being an ego boost and at times, esp late at night, she may be lonely. She has a young child so her social life is kind of limited. I agree that full NC is the best way to go so I don't keep banging my head against the wall when I could be moving on. She's chosen to live a life without you, but is not ready to fly solo yet. When she is... You will receive no more calls. Take a stand for yourself, by pulling the plug. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
na49 Posted April 29, 2015 Share Posted April 29, 2015 Yeah, I think that she is definitely just lonely, and wants to keep you around as a friend. She gets the emotional support, without having to give you any more physical intimacy. She saves that for the newest guy. I think you should just be honest with her, and let her know that you can't continue to stay in contact with her right now. If you wanted her back, you should tell her that you are only interested in hearing from her if she wants to try again. If you really don't want her back, then tell her you need some space right now. The phone calls will continue for as long as you allow them to. She probably doesn't realize what's wrong with what she's doing because it isn't impacting her the way it impacts you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Tone Loc Posted April 29, 2015 Share Posted April 29, 2015 I agree with you about it possibly being an ego boost and at times, esp late at night, she may be lonely. She has a young child so her social life is kind of limited. I agree that full NC is the best way to go so I don't keep banging my head against the wall when I could be moving on. The thing to remember here is that she is the one who dumped you and not the other way around. She's even telling you about her new boyfriend, now I'm not accusing her of bragging but that may very well be her game, trying to rub it in your face. It's a possibility. Don't let her set you back any further with continued contact, politely tell her to respect NC and to get out of your life completely. You two have completely separate lives now, as far as contact goes you're just two strangers. She needs to understand that and respect that. If she wants to brag, she can brag to someone else. If she needs someone to talk to, again she should look elsewhere. She needs to leave you alone, why don't people respect the sacrament that is NC? Sigh I'm really lucky because a previous lover of mine has finally decided to respect and adhere to NC (after many failed attempts I finally had to put my foot down and tell her never to talk to me again). If you insist on NC, then it should work. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
wizer Posted April 29, 2015 Share Posted April 29, 2015 You've been friendzoned. She keeps you around as some sort of safety belt, somebody to talk to, to vent to, or whatever. She no longer sees you as boyfriend material and as long as you spend time with her you're relegated to a life of "second best" to whoever is her flame at that particular moment. You're worth more than that. Everyone is worth more than that. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jdubinva Posted April 29, 2015 Author Share Posted April 29, 2015 Yeah, I think that she is definitely just lonely, and wants to keep you around as a friend. She gets the emotional support, without having to give you any more physical intimacy. She saves that for the newest guy. I think you should just be honest with her, and let her know that you can't continue to stay in contact with her right now. If you wanted her back, you should tell her that you are only interested in hearing from her if she wants to try again. If you really don't want her back, then tell her you need some space right now. The phone calls will continue for as long as you allow them to. She probably doesn't realize what's wrong with what she's doing because it isn't impacting her the way it impacts you. She may see me as a buddy now. I think she also wants support and someone to listen to her. She told me one story about the one time she introduced the guy she's seeing to her child at the gym day care. I said why are you telling me this? She knows how close I became to her kid. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jdubinva Posted April 29, 2015 Author Share Posted April 29, 2015 You've been friendzoned. She keeps you around as some sort of safety belt, somebody to talk to, to vent to, or whatever. She no longer sees you as boyfriend material and as long as you spend time with her you're relegated to a life of "second best" to whoever is her flame at that particular moment. You're worth more than that. Everyone is worth more than that. I wouldn't label the fallout of a serious relationship as being friendzoned. Thanks for your input though. Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted April 29, 2015 Share Posted April 29, 2015 She gets all the advantages of being in a relationship with you and none of the responsibilities, whilst you get all the responsibilities, and none of the advantages. Its time for her to walk the plank. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jdubinva Posted April 29, 2015 Author Share Posted April 29, 2015 She gets all the advantages of being in a relationship with you and none of the responsibilities, whilst you get all the responsibilities, and none of the advantages. Its time for her to walk the plank. You're right and thanks for listening. She called me after work today and I didn't answer but my thought was WTF. She's not lonely then - she has to get her kid and go on her run, etc. The whole thing is baffling. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Twigyy Posted April 29, 2015 Share Posted April 29, 2015 It is OK to cut people off if they are not healthy for you. She dumped you and still wants you around.. She will understand if you tell her that you need to go. Even if she gets mad it doesn't matter. Your healing comes first. Block her number, or change your number. She can take care of herself.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
wizer Posted April 29, 2015 Share Posted April 29, 2015 I wouldn't label the fallout of a serious relationship as being friendzoned. Thanks for your input though. Call it what you want. Call it a potato if you like. Either way she now sees you as just a friend. Nothing more. Despite the history. It really doesn't matter how you got here, just that you ARE here. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jdubinva Posted April 29, 2015 Author Share Posted April 29, 2015 Call it what you want. Call it a potato if you like. Either way she now sees you as just a friend. Nothing more. Despite the history. It really doesn't matter how you got here, just that you ARE here. I understand that but I think of friendzoned as something that happens quickly during dating. During our time together we daily communicated our love for each other, were practically cohabitating and even talked about long term plans so I think that it's a little different circumstance. Link to post Share on other sites
wizer Posted April 29, 2015 Share Posted April 29, 2015 Lets not get hung up on semantics. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jdubinva Posted April 29, 2015 Author Share Posted April 29, 2015 Agreed .. I would say I've become more of a sap and pushover than anything. We had been talking on the phone last week and she said I could come over but we'd sit outside. Then we went into her house and proceeded to talk more - not just about us but talking in general. I have no idea why she let me do that. Link to post Share on other sites
wizer Posted April 29, 2015 Share Posted April 29, 2015 You talk about being "let inside" as if it's some sort of privilege. Please stop allowing yourself to be treated like some sort of stray animal. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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