6 months with me, 6 months back home?

[shardy]

Here's the situation. I've been married for 6 years and known my husband for 8. Three years ago, we moved from VA to CT for my job. He quickly found a job, too, but after only 4 months he went into panic mode and began drinking heavily. Full disclosure: When he met he told me he was a recovering alcoholic and then 2 years in he began drinking again. So, like I said he was drinking and made the decision to return to VA. After several months of communicating, we decided to work on our marriage and he returned. He was here for a year and 6 months before he decided once again to return. Now, during the months he was away the first time, he stopped drinking and has not had a drop since.

I do have to say that he does have 2 children back in VA (15 and 13), but since he's been back (left in March) he's only seen them twice. He moved into his parents' house and found a seasonal job that pays well.

Now, the part that sounds crazy to say out loud....again we decided to stay married. His plan is to live in VA for 6 months and then live here in CT with me for 6 months. He's 43 years old....I'm the same age. I cannot leave this job....I don't really want to do this 6 on/6 off plan....but I don't want to lose him either, but I didn't really sign up for this. I obviously can't fight the "my children are in VA" battle (although he could still see them even living in CT--once a month and holidays), but I didn't sign up for this either. I just don't know, can this work?? He's in a rural part of VA and I could never find the same level (or pay) of job there.

[Ruby65]

I don't see how you can expect to be happily married to someone when you force them to move so far from their children.

 

If your job is more important than your husband's happiness, I don't think you should be married to him.

 

As for his drinking, all you can really do is suggest he go to AA and find support there. But I can't imagine any therapist or support system helping him with sobriety would urge him to consider staying married to someone who expected him to choose between her and his kids.

[Mrlonelyone]

OP are you familiar with the story of John and Abbigail Adams (Second president of the United States)?

 

From their earliest courtship they were separated sometimes for months or even years. Especially during the American revolution when John was sent as Minister Plenipotentiary and Extraordinary to the court of King Louis (Ambassador to France). Travel by sea then took months.

 

 

Yet they managed to be married for about 55 years until Abbigail died.

 

 

There are books of their collected love letters where they describe their passions for eachother, for liberty, and for independence for these United States of America.

 

 

Think of the hardships they had to put up with and ask yourself.... is what your husband proposes really that onerous? He has his children, he will always have his children. If you love him, can you not accommodate his love for his children?

 

At 15 and 13 This will go on for at least 5 years, 10 at the most. When those kids are 18-24 ish they are out of the house having their own lives. Your marriage on the other hand could last that 55 year length.

 

 

We are fed an image of love and relationships and marriage that is wholy unrealistic. Perfection is demanded of imperfect people. You signed up for marriage, this is it.