confusedmandi Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 When I was married my husband cheated so I have trust issues. I recently started dating maybe six months ago and at first I trusted ppl. I took guys at their word unless it sounded shady. First bad experience was a guy in his 40s and I hit it off had a great time. Went on dates went to his house etc. Slept with him a few times before I discovered he had a serious girlfriend!! So that was done even tho he wanted to keep seeing me. Had a guy I work with who was in a similar situation. Has kids and going thru a divorce. We had been friends for awhile do decided to go out. All he talked about was how honest he is.. Would never cheat like my ex. And I almost fell for it.. I asked my friend if I could use her fb profile and I messaged him and within two weeks "my friend" got him to ask her out. Long story short he lied to me when I asked him out for the same night.. And not just I have plans. But a big elaborate lie involving him working late. So when his date cancelled at the last minute he called me and tried to get me to go out. I wouldn't. Later I told him I no longer want to see him because I can't date someone who lies He repeatedly denied lying denied everything until I presented him with proof. I explained that I had no problem with him dating talking to or sleeping with others because we were not a couple. But the fact he could not be honest with me was a huge red flag. He begged for another chance I said nope. So since then when I start seeing a guy I use a fake fb account to test the waters and see if they r using the same lines with me if they will cancel. Plans with me if they are honest. I figure I would rather know in the beginning rather then after I might get attached. I don't want to get hurt. Interestingly enough the only man I have not done this to is the current older guy I'm seeing. I either trust him or really like him and don't want to know anything bad. My friends say it's not fair to deliberately set a guy up to lie to me etc. What do u think. I think honest ppl are honest and liars always lie and think they can get away with it so y not weed them out early on? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 I think honest guys would see your actions as insecure and manipulative, and not want to see you any more. You might be weeding out the liars but you're also throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Link to post Share on other sites
Auspecial Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 I think after you have been badly burned a few time, there is nothing wrong with being proactive, if it help you feel safer and more in control of the situation. But at some point in time, I think that it will be healthier to just trust and let go of worries and suspicions until your gut tells you something is amiss. Link to post Share on other sites
Methodical Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 I believe everyone has the potential to lie and cheat. Unless exclusivity has been discussed and agreed upon, both parties are free to do as they please. You've been burned several times so I understand the trust issue you struggle with. However, if the situation were reversed, how would you feel? Personally I wouldn't agree to exclusivity until I was fairly certain the person was relationship material, provided that's what I was looking for. I'd like to think by the time I entered into an exclusive relationship I knew him or her well enough to not have to create fake accounts and deliberately set them up. I know for certain if a person did that to me and I found out, I'd cut all contact immediately but that's just me. That said, I certainly don't stand in judgment of your decision. Everyone has to do what is right for them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 When I was married my husband cheated so I have trust issues. I recently started dating maybe six months ago and at first I trusted ppl. I took guys at their word unless it sounded shady. First bad experience was a guy in his 40s and I hit it off had a great time. Went on dates went to his house etc. Slept with him a few times before I discovered he had a serious girlfriend!! So that was done even tho he wanted to keep seeing me. Had a guy I work with who was in a similar situation. Has kids and going thru a divorce. We had been friends for awhile do decided to go out. All he talked about was how honest he is.. Would never cheat like my ex. And I almost fell for it.. I asked my friend if I could use her fb profile and I messaged him and within two weeks "my friend" got him to ask her out. Long story short he lied to me when I asked him out for the same night.. And not just I have plans. But a big elaborate lie involving him working late. So when his date cancelled at the last minute he called me and tried to get me to go out. I wouldn't. Later I told him I no longer want to see him because I can't date someone who lies He repeatedly denied lying denied everything until I presented him with proof. I explained that I had no problem with him dating talking to or sleeping with others because we were not a couple. But the fact he could not be honest with me was a huge red flag. He begged for another chance I said nope. So since then when I start seeing a guy I use a fake fb account to test the waters and see if they r using the same lines with me if they will cancel. Plans with me if they are honest. I figure I would rather know in the beginning rather then after I might get attached. I don't want to get hurt. Interestingly enough the only man I have not done this to is the current older guy I'm seeing. I either trust him or really like him and don't want to know anything bad. My friends say it's not fair to deliberately set a guy up to lie to me etc. What do u think. I think honest ppl are honest and liars always lie and think they can get away with it so y not weed them out early on? FB in and of itself is not evil as some people claim, it is how they use it that counts. That being said I for one certainly cannot blame you for testing the waters via social media to see how honest someone is. Frankly I applaud you for doing it. People tell me I'm crazy for doing Google Photo Searches on females when they send me Friend requests but if I didn't then I would accept FR's from Denise Milani like 100 times and it would take me a couple of weeks to figure out why all these women look the same. I find it more common than I ever imagined that guys use fake female profiles to send women FR's with less than noble intentions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedmandi Posted April 30, 2015 Author Share Posted April 30, 2015 I'm not talking about doing this to a boyfriend to see if he fails.. I have just done this to ppl I'm getting to know or have gone out with. For example the guy who I caught. I wasn't upset he was seeing other ppl. We had only gone out twice and kissed. He was free to talk to date and have sex with whoever he wanted to. But his big thing was talking about what an honest guy he is would never lie even if the truth hurts. So I decided to see if he could back that up. Nope! He made a date with another girl and when I just happened to ask him to get together the same day instead of being brutally honest like he claimed he always is and saying sorry I have a date or even I already made plans.. He concocted this huge elaborate lie about sick kids and having to work late and a buddy at work getting hurt so he had to take his shift. I mean if I hadn't known the real reason I would have believed him. But obviously he was an expert liar to be able to make up a story like that. First guy told me he was single. I had every reason to believe him. I'd even gone to his house. No pics of a gf there. Found out he had a gf cuz one of my friends asked him if he was single and he said no have a gf for last three years. He had no idea she and I were friends. I confronted him he said yes it true but she lived two hrs away and he was lonely. So two guys who would of just kept lying to me if I hadn't caught them.. Link to post Share on other sites
JohnsonBaby Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 Great idea !. More people should do this . Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 his big thing was talking about what an honest guy he is would never lie even if the truth hurts Honest guys don't need to tell you how honest they are. They just are. They don't need to talk about it. If he repeatedly, spontaneously talks about how honest he is then I would view it as a red flag. Like I said - yes you might catch out some liars like this - but if you do find an honest one, he will likely view your actions as manipulative game playing, and won't want to date you. So you will have ruined your chances with an honest guy. I think you need to re-think this strategy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 So since then when I start seeing a guy I use a fake fb account to test the waters and see if they r using the same lines with me if they will cancel. Guys you have "just started seeing" really don't owe you exclusivity. They are free to pursue whoever they want to pursue at that point. It isn't until they declare their exclusivity and commitment to you that they do owe you exclusivity. Them telling someone else the same thing they're saying to you isn't a foul, either. Yes, some guys will lie and eventually, you will catch them in it because things won't add up. This guy should have told you he had a date lined up instead of coming up with an elaborate lie to cover his tracks because he wasn't in the wrong for making a date with someone else at that point. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedmandi Posted May 1, 2015 Author Share Posted May 1, 2015 Guys you have "just started seeing" really don't owe you exclusivity. They are free to pursue whoever they want to pursue at that point. It isn't until they declare their exclusivity and commitment to you that they do owe you exclusivity. Them telling someone else the same thing they're saying to you isn't a foul, either. Yes, some guys will lie and eventually, you will catch them in it because things won't add up. This guy should have told you he had a date lined up instead of coming up with an elaborate lie to cover his tracks because he wasn't in the wrong for making a date with someone else at that point.[/Quote And if u read my response above I totally agree with u that he was not in the wrong to make a date with someone else. My concern was that something didn't feel right and I wanted to see if he was as honest as he claimed. He failed and I didn't want to keep seeing him. ] Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 Although it is perfectly normal to want to protect yourself it is NOT normal nor is it healthy to create fake accounts and set people up. If you have issues with trust, seek some professional help to work through those issues. This isn't the best way to go about building trust. When does it ever end? Link to post Share on other sites
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