video games are ruining my marriage and I don't know ...

[brebee]

I am a bit desperate.

My husband and I have been married for 1.5 years but together for 10 previous years. These last couple years have been rough. I'd never want him to see this but more and more he let's me down, he's turning in to what he said he'd never be, and I'm beginning to regret saying yes. I don't regret things.

 

My husband got back into gaming about 9 months ago. He's always played but now it's all he seems to do.

We've had two fights about it this year. One resulted in near divorce. He took off and I was in hysterics. You need to know something first.

1. I am stubborn and have normal female emotions.

2. He is very stubborn and his robotic responses and lack of emotion yo anything has been a struggle in our entire relationship. I thought he improved this but he is slipping.

3. We do not have children yet. I am pretty sure the real reason is because I am questioning my marriage; not because of finances like I tell everyone.

4. He refuses counceling. Arrogant in that regard.

He's an only child.

 

There are so many things I love about him, but this year, he has let me down so much and I don't get it. We fight, because he doesn't think I am being reasonable and he doesn't care about what I am feeling. We eventually come to a compromise which he ends up breaking. He even stopped working out and has gained some weight. He literally gets home, walks our dog, eats dinner with me and then games.

Last fight we agreed on what i believe to be a very generous schedule and he has yet to stick to it.

I brought this up tonight. He wanted to go get ice cream, I asked to wait an hour and a half so I could grade for work, he played, which is fine, but it ended up being 3 hours. He just got off.

I told him I don't care anymore. I'm done being angry and done crying. Told him to live his life and I'll live mine. He gave me some half hearted apology after I pointed out his schedule he aggreed to. I told him I'm sick of his word, it means nothing to me now, it's ****. 3rd time he has gone back on a promise...no follow through...no committment.

 

I do t even want to be in the same house. We just bought it though in Sept and I am a teacher. I can't afford to live on my own. And I do love him which is why I am so hurt. I just wonder if I should just divorce as I don't think he is ever going to change his behavior.

 

Your ideas are greatly appreciated. Please tell me if I am being insane.

[Els]

Question - you said he 'got back into gaming', does that mean he has been like this (playing excessively and addicted) before? When was that? Didn't you see this as a red flag? Or did he play in a more moderate and balanced manner in the past?

 

If literally all he does at home besides eat dinner is play games, to the extent that you can't even go out on a date when scheduled, then he is most certainly addicted. He needs to want to change this himself, and if he can't, he needs to get professional help to kick the addiction. I think you unfortunately need to make that an ultimatum - he seeks help or you are gone.

 

That being said, people tend to relapse into addiction as a form of escapism, when things in real life are not going well for them. How is his career going and how was the relationship like, when he got into the addiction?

[Mr. Lucky]

If literally all he does at home besides eat dinner is play games, to the extent that you can't even go out on a date when scheduled, then he is most certainly addicted. He needs to want to change this himself, and if he can't, he needs to get professional help to kick the addiction. I think you unfortunately need to make that an ultimatum - he seeks help or you are gone.

 

Agreed. Addiction commonly means drugs or alcohol but can be anything someone does obsessively. So the basics still apply - you didn't cause, you won't control and you can't cure.

 

You need to clearly let him know what your boundaries are and why you won't live this way. Will he go to counseling with you?

 

Mr. Lucky

[toolforgrowth]

I used to have a computer gaming addiction. I know what it's like. It placed a serious strain on my marriage. I worked hard to limit my time, and I got pretty good at it. I'd do stuff around the house, cook dinner, eat with the family, and only then would I get on. I started treating it like my reward for being responsible.

 

I know what you're going through is tough. It sounds like you've tried but he's just not fulfilling his part of the bargain.

[Diezel]

This won't change until he wants it to change.

 

He's either:

(A) Comfortable because you two are married

(B) Checked out himself and video games are his way of not dealing with anything stress-related (including you)

 

I've done this myself and swore, never again. And so far, it's been 10 years or more.

 

What you can do, is you can divorce or you can start living your own life separately even though you live together. Make dinner for yourself. Go out. Hit the gym. Do stuff and act as if he wasn't part of the equation.

 

Personally, I'd rather risk the mortgage and try to deal with divorce and that, than to stay there and suffer needlessly.

[GoBlue]

Thank you for being so honest and open. What you are experiencing is becoming more-and-more of a problem. There are actual studies that have been done about the impact of gaming on marital relationships. To respond to your statement, "I just wonder if I should just divorce as I don't think he is ever going to change his behavior," why is this the only option? You have been with this guy for 10 years, these issues didn't just pop up. I understand that it is difficult to get help when he refuses to get counseling, but there are things you can do to help him see that there is a MAJOR problem. He needs to confronted with the fact that there will be serious ramifications if things don't change. Essentially you have to get him to understand that the message you are getting from him is that you don't matter enough in his life to take this seriously. I highly recommend a book titled Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis by Dr. James Dobson.

 

I went through a divorce six years ago that I did not want. My ex put up with stuff that should not have happened for many years until she secretly decided that she was done and began plotting her escape. It didn't have to get that far! If she would have taken a stand earlier in the marriage I believe that I would have responded and our relationship could have been saved. The kind of stand that I mean is not having another argument but to hold him to proper and agreed upon boundaries. If my wife would have told me, "You have two options: come to counseling with me and fix our marriage, or move out and we will live separately until you are ready to change," I believe I would have chosen to go to counseling.

 

The book I mentioned by Dr. Dobson will help with this process. There is another book by Christian author Gary Chapman titled One More Try that would give insight as well. What I am trying to say is that steps can be taken to produce change. It doesn't sound like your husband is taking this seriously and he needs help to wake up. I can provide other resources if you are interested. Simply send me a private message. My thoughts and prayers are with you.