How to deal with a nasty ex...

[jakrbbt]

Some people are telling you not to try for "full custody." And I wonder how many of those people think custody = parenting time. In many states, custody is one thing (ability to make the major decisions) while parenting time (or visitation) is a whole other thing. But either way, your son is best off with both parents in his life, some counseling to get beyond what's happened, and no more parental alienation.

 

This is not your "fault" for dating someone. Dating someone new is not at all, not at all, as negative for the child as your ex doing parental alienation.

 

That said, I agree that it's important for you to spend more one-on-one with your son, and without the new girlfriend, for a while.

 

Get family counseling with him, like, yesterday. Family counselors are very used to this situation.

 

In my state (and some others), this exact kind of parental alienation is so well-studied that it's been incorporated into statutes, case law, and standard parenting plans.

 

The idea behind the studies is that when one person disparages the other parent to the child, the child takes it to heart-- the same way as if the parent had disparaged the child. That's because children identify very closely with their parents. As if their parents are their selves.

 

I have seen appellate custody opinions (again, probably not in your exact state) awarding full custody and majority parenting-time to the father because the mother was telling her child that the new girlfriend was a b**, that the dad left them both for the new gf, et c.

 

A lot of people feel angry that they, themselves, have been cheated on or abandoned. Those people might tell you that you're the one doing wrong by having a new gf so soon. Get the opinion of lawyers and family counselors instead. Having a new honey, even an affair, has never been shown to damage the child in a divorce. It is not going to be a reason for awarding custody to the other parent, for instance. You don't go into a family court saying "He cheated on me, so never let him see his son." Parental alienation on the other hand, is very harmful to the child.

 

It can be confusing for justice-minded people, because in a relationship where one person "abandons" their spouse for a new person, then arguably, the abandoned spouse is wronged. Then, wait, the abandoner "gets" the child too, just because the abandoned spouse complains to her kid and feels angry about it all? How is that "fair"?

 

But this is about the child, not who-deserves-what. Another way of putting it is, a divorce is not a place where your ex can "sue" you for breaking her heart and get the kid as a reward. Your kid is not an asset to be doled out to the most deserving, he's a child who needs the best care he can get. And that's why I want you to look into whether some kind of majority parenting time for you, sole custody, or mandatory parenting classes for your ex, are warranted in your case. The courts will still protect your ex's parental rights, and your son will still absolutely see a lot of her. You won't be "taking" him "from" her unless there's physical abuse or similar. But the parental alienation has to stop and she probably needs an authority figure (like a counselor or family law attorney or judge) to tell her that.

 

And I'm not saying that you'd get full custody or majority time-- I don't really know your situation either. But if your situation is also not good for your child, then a family counselor will be able to tell you so, in a constructive way. And you'll then be able to work toward healing, if you have it in you to do so. You might have to change some priorities, but if you take the advice of a good child-focused family counselor, you'll thank yourself for it.

 

Good luck.

Edited May 1, 2015 by jakrbbt

[sandylee1]

Yes, I have spoken to my ex about this. She is just angry because I think she wants to get back together.

 

 

She hates my GF. And unfortunately, I had told her at one point that we had broken up. So she thought there was a chance --

 

 

We had actually broken up because I was too nice to my ex wife and my GF was getting jealous. I had given her money when she needed extra and I had been friends with her -- and my GF could tell my ex wife was after more than friendship.

 

 

In the end, my GF was right. My ex wife invited me to dinner with our son and I went - and after our son fell asleep she asked me to sit down, poured me some wine and tried kissing me.

 

 

At that time - I told my ex -- I'm sorry -- but I'm just not capable of doing this right now. I need time...and I can't make any promises to you -- about a reunion....I told her that my break up was still very fresh.

 

 

She said she would be patient....and then I ended up getting back together with my GF.

 

 

So most of this is jealously from my ex wife. And truthfully, there have been times where I wonder if I should reunite for our son. The damage that is happening to him is awful - because of his mother's venom. But, I love my girlfriend and I am planning to propose to her .. I just don't know how to handle my son AND my ex. Who is just so spiteful.

 

Whatever you do, don't run by away from your son.

 

Try and speak to your Ex about the damage this is causing your son and reiterate the reasons for the break up with her.

 

It's your call, but I'm not sure about you getting married so soon. I don't know how long you've known your GF, but your son should be your number one priority right now.

 

He's going to have a step mother he doesn't even like.

 

Speak to your lawyer about parental alienation and the things your wife is doing. Don't Leave your phone around for him to snoop on either.

 

What your ex wife is doing is wrong, but are you in the right place for marriage already?

[Akashsingh]

If what you are saying is true and if your child is being manipulated by your ex, then its an emotional abuse. You can get a restraining order from the court that prevents her from doing this and send her to domestic violence class. If this is the truth , she is unlikely to fight restraining order.

[LifesontheUp]

This is still very new and raw for both your son and ex wife.

 

I'm trying to understand given all this upheaval and turmoil in what comes across as a very short time period - you want to get married to your girlfriend?

 

Honestly, have you stopped and considered this is way too soon for everyone involved?