Still have internal conflicts inside myself. Is this 'Normal' given my background?

April 30, 2015

I'm sorry for this long post, and the long post in the reply.

I feel like this childhood experienced background of mine is the roots of all the problems I'm having right now. I'm trying to find a way to fix this. I don't know if this is 'Normal' for me to still have all these internal conflicts feelings inside me. It seem like I have multiple layers of concerns and problems.

I'm apologize for the bad grammars, English is my third language.

I had a cold childhood, my father was a businessman back in our homeland China. He always on business trips working to make money to immigrant our whole family to USA, it is not cheap to immigrant to US

We able to came to USA, thank you to my father money from his hard work. Our whole family immigrant to USA when I was 12 year olds.

My mother is an abusive mother, she always take out her anger on her children (me and my older brother)

Mom emotionally/mentally and physically abusive to me. In my whole childhood, all I heard is she belittle me, scold at me, and put me down like a dog. In her eyes, I worth less than a dog on the street.

She also ‘physically’ beaten me one time, beaten me with more than one Belts. I had bruises on arms, and tears on my skin, and red slap hand marks across my face. Mom said parents in China physically beat their children all the time, so she thinks it okay for her to hit me here in USA

Well, she can't do that here. This went to Court for she “Domestic Child Abuse” me, and I was taken to “Froster Home” for few years before I got return home.

The physically abuse did stop. But she continue to belittle me, and being emotionally abusive to me through her words.

She is also a very controlling mom. When me and my older brother live with her, she check through our trash, digging through our Trash like we are her prisoners. Yes, she checking/digging through our Trash!! She goes through our drawers, our room, checking our trash every single day.

I don’t know how can anyone breath living like that, that is why I left home.

When I turn 18, I left my mother house. I left with just my clothes and little money I make from work at my High school library. When I left, I said it straight to her face: "Even if I died on the street, I will never crawl back to her for help".

I end up living in the Homeless Shelter for some time, before I can find myself a place. I became a College dropped out. In my 20s, I didn't care about dating because all I can think of is work to pay Rent, or else I'm gonna end up in the Homeless Shelter again.

I started my life over from scratch. Work different minimum wage jobs, bought a used car. Move to a cheap rent bad area neighborhood. The rent here is cheap so it does help me alot in saving up money every month.

I work at a Retail job that pay me hourly and little commission. I am far far from rich, but I do make enough to support myself. I keep my words, never once I come back to my mom for help.

Times sure fly by fast, I'm already 30 year olds. It clearly that I don't have a close relationship with my mom at all. I forgave her for how she treated me in my childhood. I thought I left my childhood behind me when I walk out of her house, but subconsciously I don't think I have let it go.

I'm poor, but I'm Financially independent. I live within my means, and I am frugal. Every month beside pay Rent/Bills. Left over money, I put my Saving accounts. I do have an obssesion with saving money. Am I too obssesed with saving money? Well, I'm on my own, so have no choice but save up money for survival when it come to emergency and rainy days.

Financially, my parents are doing very okay here in US, they have 3 Chinese restaurants business here. They sure don't need their children help.

The poor one is their daughter because I chose to leave my mother, I chose to be on my own. I chose the poor life because I want Freedom. I am NOT a fish in a bowl, I am not a bird in a cage for my mom to control and dictate around.

I love my freedom and my independent life too much. I rather live in the homeless Shelter again if I have to. I don't want to go back to that controlling life and that hell house of my mother again. Hope this make sense.

I'm the girl that hiked the mountain by myself. The girl would drive for hours to the top of the mountain. I love snow, I love skiing. I love to travel alone to different places. I love the street, I love nature. I go where ever life drift me to.

I’m just so used to be a wanderer, the independent and carefree girl. I love doing charity. I love to help out the homeless, volunteer on holiday at Homeless shelter.

I want to go to poor third world countries to do volunteer/charity works, help those hungry/orphaned childrens there. This is my life, I love my freedom. The life that I can fly freely like a bird in the sky.

Continue on my reply below...

April 30, 2015

I thought that carefree/independent life is the life I will live until the day I died. Until 4 years ago, I met my husband. We live in the same cheap rent bad neighborhood area; that was how we met, dated and married.

Met him when I was 26 and were friends prior to dating. After his long chase, we dated when I was 28 and we got married three months ago, I'm 30 this year. It was me that drag this relationship too long, we should have got married earlier instead of wait till I'm 30

I married him with nothing. We got married very simple, at the City Hall/ Courthouse with 2 witnesses. There was No engagement ring, No wedding reception, NO honeymoon. In defense of my husabnd, it was me that chose not to have any of that. Giving my carefree and independent lifestyle, it isn't a surprise at all that I don't want materialistic stuff.

My mother give me alot of hardship over this relationship/marriage with my husband. Mom dislike him because he is not Chinese. She is part of the reason why I chose to get married at the City hall/Courhouse. There was no point of me having a wedding because nobody on my side of the family going to show up. When there nobody on the bride side going to show up, there no point of have a wedding.

I know when I chose to married my husband, my mom will disown me and she already did disown me. But I have zero regrets, he is an awesome awesome husband.

It clearly that the relationship between me and my mother is beyond mendable. But I do love my old father, the father that never abuse me.

I do drive back home to vist my father twice a month. But my mom still haven't change, she still belittle me and insulting me. Trust me you know what emotional abusive is when you can see your own tears drop down the rice bowl while eating. That is me, I swallow my own tears while eating on the dinner table. NEVER once I can have a nice meal with my old dad with my mom presence, hearing she insulting me.

If it weren't for my father, I don't think I have the strength to come back home to visit. I love and miss my father very much.

Regarding my marriage; it seem fine, our sex life is fine. I asked husband if he is happy, he said he is happy and he likes to 'stay married'. The 4 years we know each others, from friends to dating to marriage; the whole relationship is full of fidelity on both physically and emotionally level, there is no third party between us.

He is an affectionate, loving, caring and responsible husband. He adores me, he literally kiss my butt cheek everyday, everytime we in be together.

He working 2 jobs right now, everyday working 12-14 hours so we can have enough money to buy a house. He also have baby fever, he really want a baby and I promise him that we TTC in 2016 when we buy our house. I be 31 year olds in 2016, so I don't think that is too too late.

I'm not even pregnant yet and he already kiss my stomach. He said when I’m pregnant, he wants to kiss my stomach EVERYDAY for 9 Months until the baby born.

I can already tell our future baby will be spoil, still in stomach not even born yet and already have daddy kisses everyday. And with the way he is I can tell that he will spoil his kids rotten.

About buy the house, the person that keep on insist aim at 50% down-payment is me. I always have the thinking that larger down-payment will give us smaller mortgage monthly.

And we're not buying a big house so we should pay in cash as much as we can. So we don't have to worry many many years of paying monthly mortgage. Is this wrong thinking?

I have already talk with my husband more about this, and he said he go with what I want. Part of the problem is that he always go along with what I want so I can be happy.

When I said I prefer to pay the house half in Cash; he doesn't even talk back. He said 'Alright, anything you want', and he went find a second job. Working his butt off 2 jobs everyday to fulfill my prefer "pay house half in cash"

Well, he did promise that after we married he will listen to what his wife say. But then he dotes on his wife, and spoil his future children rotten, this is not good. He did said when we have kids, he will spoil his children.

He said after I became his wife, first thing I said is I aim to pay the house half in Cash. And he said as a husband he will make it happen for me even if that means he have to work 3 jobs.

But I said No! I don't want him to that much because I don't think we can have time with each others if he working 3 jobs.

Right now he is working 2 jobs, and both of his jobs are Physical labor jobs. He sure is physically tired when he he get home. There are days when he have to work overnight too. I'm sure he stress out at his jobs, but never once he raise his voice on me.

He is an awesome husband, and I feel like I'm giving him a hard time over this 50% house down-payment.

My husband plan: He aim for 20% down-payment. He continue to work 2 jobs till 2016, then 2016 combine our saving to pay for the house down-payment. We not buying a big house so mortgage should be okay.

Then he will be back to work 1 job, and we TTC have our baby. He does want to spend time with the baby. This is first marriage and first baby for both so he really excited to be a father.

But my plan: I aim for 50% down-payment, for sure we will not have enough money by 2016, so if I get pregnant then we will have to move to a more safe neighborhood to Rent.

And we continue to saving up money to pay for the house half in Cash that I aim for. We just have to buy our house later when we have enough money for the 50% down-payment I want.

Financially we doing okay, we are far far from rich. He working 2 jobs and I work 1 job. We both are Financially independent.

We are poor, but not like we dirt poor. We both been working for more than a decade, so we do have okay money save up. None of us are big spender so it does helps alot.

The good thing is both of us have perfect Credit scores. None of us have any kind of debt. None of us have any Credit-card debt. Our whole life so far, we are Debt-free. This does make us happy, especially me.

Here in USA, ALOT of people are in Credit-card debt. I'm so happy that we are Debt-free. And I want to remain that way, so I like to pay things off immediately as much as I can.

I love my husband, I really do. He is on my thoughts before I go to sleep, and on my thoughts first thing when I wake up. I do want to spend another year with him as a couple before we TTC, but he sooo ready for a baby. BUT I'm sooo not ready to TTC this year.

It does see,m like I'm looking at this at an 'All or Nothing approach'. I feel that perhaps I'm using the pay the house 'half in Cash" as an excuse to buy time? Or perhaps the childhood experienced of my abusive mother is making me scare of become a mommy?

I also have a problem with giving in to my husband 100% on the emotionally level. It seem like from my childhood experienced, I build up emotional walls inside to protect myself from getting hurt emotionally.

I guess when I was little, I open my heart to my mom; and she abusive, she hurts me. So now I'm scare to be vulnerable. Even to my husband, I try to prevent myself from being vulnerable.

It like the more I love him, the more scare I am of my own feelings. I'm scare that he will see my vulnerable side. I don't know if these make any sense, but it is really how I feel inside.

I know he is an awesome husband, and I know I love him but why am I still scare to love him? What am I missing, am I missing the wanderer, carefree/independent life that I once was? The life that I live since I left my mother house, the life I been living prior to met him.

I know I love my husband. I know he have baby fever, but why don't I want a baby right now? I'm not even sure if emtoinally I am ready to TTC in 2016 like how I promise him.

I also feel awkward when my husband being affectionate to me. I feel that I don't deserve to be love at all, my abusive childhood did took a toll on my self-worth.

It is 'Normal' for me to have all these feelings given my childhood experienced? Why am I not 100% happy? Am I just used to the suffering so much that now I can't adapt to being happiness? Perhaps I don't want to be tied me down? Perhaps I still want to fly free like a bird in the sky like I once was?

I'm just so confused, I feel that my childhood is the roots to all the problems I'm having internally right now.

I did try talk to counseling once, but it didn't help much in get rid of this childhood of mine. Next step I can try Therapy, but therapy here in USA is very expensive. And being a person who obssesed with saving money, and a frugal person like I am. I don't think I want to spend thousand thousand dollars on Theraphy session.

Anyone here been through something familar? Anyone here experience something similar? I know there are people who have worser life than I have right now. But I am 30 year olds already, and why I still can't snap out of this childhood of mine? Am I "Normal" to feel the way I feel? Arg!!

April 30, 2015

I think it's normal to feel that way, given your background. I haven't been through everything you have, but I do have a mother who belittled me throughout my childhood. She still does sometimes. It really messed with my self-worth. I still sometimes feel like I don't deserve to be loved, and the idea of having a child terrifies me. I think my worst nightmare would be to become my own mother. No child deserves to be treated that way and I'll be damned if I do that to someone.

Does your husband know how you feel about any of this?

April 30, 2015

I relate to a lot of what you've been through, as my dad is a very dark-hearted man who put me through a great deal of verbal and emotional abuse until I left home at 17 and refused to put up with it anymore. It's only now, at age 38, that I feel I'm finally beginning to make my peace about it.

What has been most effective for me is learning to embrace the life I have. I spent a lot of time feeling sad and hopeless because of all the ways I've been held down, stepped on, neglected. But now I realize that it could have been worse, and I focus on the good things in my life. I realize that for as pathetic a job as he did as a father, it was the best he was capable of doing, and I have compassion for him. He's been so disappointing in so many ways, but the fact remains that I wouldn't be here without him. If only for that, I have a degree of respect for him.

Now I do a pretty good job of making the best of even the ramshackle parts of my life, finding the aspects of them that bring me happiness and enjoying them with enthusiasm.

Another thing I'm learning is the simple concept of going with the flow. There's a flow to everything in life, and it goes better when you get into that flow, rather than fight it. As the sage philosopher Joseph Campbell said, "If you are falling... dive." In a sense, I feel that my entire life has been a series of dives into the unknown - and though I've crashed into the rocks a few times, I'm still here.

You're lucky to be married to a man who loves you and adores you. It is scary to really love someone. I haven't found the right guy yet, and I know it's because I've been working through all this childhood pain, picking the wrong men, subconsciously recreating the painful dynamics of childhood, assuming I can't find the love I want because my dad had me convinced I wasn't worthy of it. In the one relationship where I felt truly, deeply loved, that love was like a healing balm for my soul.

It sounds to me like your husband loves and accepts you exactly as you are, so you don't have to worry about any perceived flaws. Just enjoy the love and all the good things in your life. Cuz that's what it's all about.

April 30, 2015

Whoa, thank you for reply to give me advice. I'm surprise that someone actually finished read through my 2 long pages of posts. I don't think anyone can actually make it through the second paragraph due to my bad English grammars tenses errors all over the place, lol

Yes, my husband know all about my abusive mother in my childhood, and know know about my emotionally struggling inside. I told him all of it, there no secret between us.

In our relationship since the begining, we very upfront; we lay everything on the table for the other party to know, to be fair as much as we can to each others.

He is very patience and understanding. He never force me into doing anything that I don't want.

When we dating and in a committed relationship. I did hold off sex for 1 year before I sleep with him. I feel sad for him because we are in a committed relationship, I'm his exclusive girlfriend and he have to wait for a whole year for sex. For a healthy guy at his age 29, that is torture, and he waited.

Then when he wanted marriage, he didn't even pressure me. Every couple days he would bring up the sentence: “Baby. If you want, we can go register for marriage tomorrow”. His “whenever you ready, I’m just waiting on you” attitude talk.

He knows my mother disapproval of him, so he throw the ball in my court and let me decided when I'm ready to get marriage.

I drag it for couple months, and I agree to let get married, and we tied the knot three months ago.

I asked him if he happy in our marriage. He called me silly, he said he is happy, and he wants to 'stay married'.

I sit down and talk to him, and explained pretty much all feeling that I share in this thread. I told him I love him alot but because of my childhood experienced, I'm scare to give in to him emotionally 100% of me.

He doesn't mind, he said he not going anywhere, he always will be here. Open up whenever I'm ready to fully open myself, he can wait.

I mentioned we live in the same cheap rent area neighborhood, that was how we met, dated and married. Our distance is very close, so we do see each others everyday. We were friends for 2 years prior to dating too, so we know each others quite well. He is my neighbor, my friend, my boyfriend, and now my husband. He's not a stranger! But why am I still scare?

Before we get married. I have a long talk with him too, about all of my childhood past and my struggling, to my mother discrimination against him because of his skin color. He doesn't mind, he said as long as I'm by his side, then we will get through all this together.

He doesn't care about my ignorant mother dislike him. He knows if I married him that means my mom will disown me, that means he will be my only family.

My husband doesn't mind to be my only family. He even want take me move to another state; if that means I can forget all about my childhood, forget about my abusive mother and her pressure.

He said we can start over at another state, with just me and him and our future children. He have some family members in the South.

But I don't want to leave California because he have 2 jobs here, and his mother is here.

I know if I told him I don't want to be a mommy yet, he will let me have it my way so I can be happy. But I can tell from his eyes how much he wants a baby to complete our family.

I know my husband love me, I love him too. But I don't know why I'm still holding back. I'm just scare to be to be vulnerable, even to my own husband.

Our marriage seem fine, he is a doting husband. Sex life is fine. I cook, I clean, we spend all our time together when he have time off from work. We don't argue, we don't fight.

He working 2 jobs, but we do spend time together when he get home at night. Doesn't matter how late he get home from work, we spend time together.

He patience, but perhaps one day when he can't take it anymore, he will explode? But up till now, he seem happy.

I said I aim at 50% down-payment for our house, so we can have less mortgage. He listened to me, he go work 2 jobs now. Heck, he even wants to work 3 jobs, if that means get to my goal faster.

But Nope! I don't to torture my husband working 3 jobs. We went through alot of hardship to be together, I do want time with my husband too.

So what do I do? Go by what I promise him, TTC in 2016 and have a baby? But I'm still struggling emotionally inside like this, am I ready to bring a baby to this world?

Financially we doing okay, he works 2 jobs, I work 1 job. We capable of feed a baby. But emotionally I'm still holding off, am I able to give my baby 100% emotionally of me?

I know no marriage is perfect, different couples struggle with different things. Like other couples struggle with infidelity. I am struggle with my childhood experienced.

I want to leave these childhood past of mine so I can have an emotionally healhty marriage, but I just can't seem to put down the past behind me.

Edited April 30, 2015 by thestairs

April 30, 2015

There is help for someone who has painful memories from their childhood. I know about a free counseling service from a faith-based organization that could be a good place to start. If you want more information please send me a private message and I will provide it. Blessings!

May 1, 2015

So this is an issue of guilt. You feel guilty about not wanting to give your husband what he wants right now, which is a child.

I think guilt is normal for anyone with an abusive past. When you get treated like you don't matter, you learn to treat your own feelings and needs like they don't matter. As a child, it is what you do to survive. As you grow older and move away, it's hard to put yourself first because you're not used to it. Maybe you feel like you don't deserve something, or maybe you feel you are a bad person if you don't give someone what they want.

I think counselling would really help if you are able to find someone free or low-cost in your area. I think you need to work on re-building your self-worth. You can't put your past behind you because you're still carrying negative thoughts about yourself. Try going to a yoga class - the yoga centers have a very positive mindset as they encourage self-acceptance and self-love. I know you are very frugal, but is it possible for you to set aside a certain weekly allowance for yourself, maybe $5 or whatever you can afford? Then you can use that to treat yourself to something nice, doesn't need to be expensive but sometimes the little things make a big difference.

Edited May 1, 2015 by SpiralOut

May 1, 2015

So what do I do? Go by what I promise him, TTC in 2016 and have a baby? But I'm still struggling emotionally inside like this, am I ready to bring a baby to this world?
Financially we doing okay, he works 2 jobs, I work 1 job. We capable of feed a baby. But emotionally I'm still holding off, am I able to give my baby 100% emotionally of me?

Since you're turning 30 this year, I think you can put off having children for a while until you feel ready. I have a feeling your husband would understand if told him you're not ready yet. You can tell him you want more time for the two of you, and for yourself, which is the truth, and a legitimate point. Personally, I've always believed that older parents make better parents, as they have more life experience and are wiser, more stable.

Between the ages of 30 and 35, a woman's chance of conceiving drops by about 5%, which isn't much. It isn't till around 38 (my age!) that a steeper drop-off begins. So you've got some time.

May 1, 2015

Nothing you have said is hard to relate to or understand...I'm not sure why you feel like nobody would understand you, it just seems like you've never expressed yourself openly about how the way you feel.

I think you need to understand that part of the healing process is doing what you are doing right now...it's going through those emotions, it's expressing those feelings...ESPECIALLY with vulnerability, you need to be able to share those emotions with your husband at least. You need to be able to share that emotional side of you to create that bond that could take you to the next level emotionally or romantically.

The problem is, when women choose a guy like him...is that some of the big reasons is because she is safe, fully loving and supportive and doesn't make you so much feel scared or worried, he does all the things you ask him to fulfill your needs....and yet at the end of the day, you STILL can't open up.

Because that's a problem within yourself, nobody can crack you open like a coconut and make you spill yourself out....that's a choice you make, and that's something you need to learn to be more comfortable with...feeling vulnerable and letting people know how you really feel.

Otherwise everyone will feel like a "threat"...you will judge everybody based on how much you think they can hurt you, and you will always be looking over your shoulder if someone is going to come hurt you out of the darkness.

However, this is also a bad practice to break, and it's easier to be with men that will hurt you than that will try to make you feel safe...because that is the kind of relationship and childhood dynamic that you are used to. You are used to the struggle, the fight, the accepting of not having love and feeling that affection...it's like you are wearing a rubber glove, and you can feel the sensation of water but it is not really touching your skin...that is how you will love.

It's also hard for average people to understand each other unless they have had a similar background or experience. I'm fairly good at understanding things I have not been through or experienced because I'm very perceptive and intuitive with the human mind and emotions..I can create the sense of feeling and environment needed to gain a perspective, but for the majority of the population on earth..it's really very hard to understand something they have not personally been through or witnessed...what your husband thinks is that you just need him to love you until you can trust him, but you are the one with the wall up, you are the one that is protecting your heart.

Not healing from those childhood relationships...like with your mother, is a huge problem in your heart, that toxic and destructive relationship is going to continue hurting you throughout your life. You have to decide how much thousands of dollars is worth for your piece of mind. I'm not saying a therapist is going to work for you with certainty, but you need to really do everything you can to explore and dig through those emotions...it took me years of very hard and consistent work, to work on my own issues, and I was passionate about resolving them...i work with an intensity and motivation that's very relentless and knows no sense of giving up...and yet I am still working on things, and I am still soul-searching...yes, I have gone a very long way, but understand it's a very very long process, it's not like you take a pill or go to a few sessions and everything is magically better....these are things and issues that you need to peel away from yourself like layers, it takes a lot of effort, understanding and even just emotional and psychological intelligence...so if this is not something you are naturally good at, it's going to feel near impossible....it's very very hard to peel yourself away from your own body and look at yourself and work on yourself, because you cannot see yourself like others can. You do not know all the things you do or understand why, and that's what makes it very challenging, you have to be able to interpret and understand yourself...it's like a battle within yourself and it's a challenge every step of the way.

So you have a good situation, you have a guy who loves and adores you and wants to share all these great things with you. But you are not ready, and you are not willing to give...in fact you'd be more attracted and "in-love" with a guy who wouldn't accept you and love...because that is what you are used to, that is what feels safe, and you don't have to worry about him taking too much from you because you know that he can never build the trust within that would allow you to feel so....vulnerable.

I'm not saying your guy is perfect, or he doesn't have his own issues...he obviously is crazy about you, and that could be because of love but also your emotional unavailability. I know for myself, If I were emotionally available, it should eliminate the desire that some women would have for me, and attract other kinds of women. How you feel, act and behave changes the kind of people that gravitate towards you...and honestly, as long as you are on the emotionally unavailable side of things, it significantly increases the chances of you being hurt, and that's why a lot of people do it and stay that way...the fear of vulnerability is too frightening.

I've spent years trying to be more vulnerable, I express myself a lot more than I did when I was in my 20's...where I just mostly did what you did and internalized my own feelings. Now I can't shut myself up, but it's a release, it's freeing, I don't feel weighed down by the judgment, opinions, criticisms of others...because I'm comfortable with myself and not afraid of expressing my feelings, it doesn't make me feel vulnerable, it makes me feel more alive and like who I am...and that's what I love about being comfortable about being vulnerable, it takes away the power that someone else would have over it because you fear them.

So you have to work on those fears. I understand you, and how you feel...don't worry, you're not the only one and there's a lot of people that go through this. A lot of people had very difficult lives in their childhood, don't feel ashamed or embarrassed for being real and who you are, learn to be comfortable and accept who you are, that's the real victory...and don't be afraid to say how you really feel, even if it pushes or scares someone away, you need someone who will accept the real you...you can't pretend to be someone else forever, you will be unhappy if you just force yourself down a road you are not ready or willing to go...take some brave leaps with your husband, that's what relationships should be about...not buying a house, making babies and dreaming about the perfect little family...life is much much more than that in the day to day.

May 2, 2015

Thank you for your advice.

I am Chinese (Asian-American), my husband is Black (African-American)

So we do have a huge cultural difference between us. But the problem is not the cultural difference. The problem is my childhood emotional gabbage, and I'm not able to give in to him 100% on the emotional level.

I mentioned above in my post. We got married at the simple City Hall/ Courthouse with two witnesses. There was No engagement ring, No wedding reception, No honeymoon. In defense of my husband, it was me that chose not to have any of that.

Giving my carefree and independent lifestyle, it isn't a surprise at all that I want the simple and purest form of wedding.

Well, and just in case if one day he regret this marriage, at least there wasn’t much of any money spend on it. I always leave an 'exit' for him.

My husband is only 29 year olds, so he still young. Am I ruining this guy life? Sometimes I do asked myself the question: What if he never met me? What if he never married me, then would his life be better? I bet it is! I bet his life would be better if he married another girl, instead of married a girl full of emotional scars like me.

My husband do knows all about my childhood, know about my mother dislike him, and know about me not able to give in to him 100% emotionally, and he accepted all of that.

He put up with all these since we know each others 4 years ago, and he still put up with it. I wonder how longer can he continue to put up, perhaps one day he can't take it anymore, he will explode?

I have the tendency to blame myself alot, perhaps this is self-blame that I always having? Do those who are survivals of abuse tends to have self-blame?

I always leave an "exit" for my husband. If he not happy with the marriage, he can get out anytime. I'm always Financial independent from him.

When we dated, I always split 50/50 on dates him, or one date I pay, next date he pay.

When we married, I continue insist on keep our Financial separate. I insist on we keep separate Checking/Saving accounts.

I do not touch his money. I never was, never is and never will.

Our Rent/Mortgage is this month I pay, next month he pay. All our household Bills are split equally too.

Being Equal on financial is how we are for the 4 years together. We NEVER argue about money, because we both are Financially independent. Money is not an argument in our relationship/marriage.

Sexually, he is the first guy I sleep with, and he is my one and only sexual partner. It was him that keen on marriage. I didn't care about marriage because all my life, I am the wanderer, independent/carefree girl. This was my life prior to met him.

About the house, it is my him that insist on buy a house. Because he thinks own a house will be better for our children future. He grow up in a bad are environment, so he sure doesn't want his future children to grow up in the same bad environment that he grew up in.

We have separate Saving accounts where we put in our own saving money. He working 2 jobs. But I also work, I work 1 job

I told him when we buy the house, I will give him my Saving account money so he can put it together for a house down-payment. And I'm willing to let the house be under his name only.

I don't care about the house, I am willing to walk out empty handed if one day we get divorcce. Given how effectionate he is to me, I don't think he will divorce me anytime soon.

I don't need him to take responsibility for me-his wife. But if we have kids, I will make sure he take reponsiblity for the kids.

I am confident enough to say that he will not abandon his own children, and I am confident in his love for me. Unless he change 180 degree, I know I married a loving and caring husband.

I mentioned my childhood in my first post. When I left my abusive mother house, I end up living in the Homeless shelter for some time before I can find a place. I started my life over from scratch and I survived so I'm not scare of anything.

I have no problem living in Homeless shelter again, or start my life over a again. Given what I went through in my childhood, I'm not scare of anything.

Eversince married, marriage seem fine, our sex life is fine. I cook, I clean, I fulfill my duty as his wife.

We keep separate financial accounts, I don't touch his money. He knows very well that 'Financially' he have the freedom to leave the marriage if he wants. I asked him if he's happy, he said he is happy and he wants to 'stay married'.

If we end up divorce, I won't fight with him over money when we divorce. I'm willing to leave him everything and left empty handed, so there nothing to fight about.

So No, I'm not bully my husband. He have alot of freedom actually. I always give him an "exit", but for what ever reason, he wants to stay married.

Pretty much the only problem is me and my childhood emotional gabbage. I need to work out my emotional gabbage so I can open up to him 100% on the emotional level, and learn that it is oaky to be vulnerable to my husband.

I did try Counseling once, but it wasn't helpful, perhaps I'm too stubborn to let go of the past. Seem like the only option I have left is Therapy.

Edited May 2, 2015 by thestairs

May 3, 2015

The problem is my childhood emotional gabbage, and I'm not able to give in to him 100% on the emotional level.

It's only a problem in your mind. Your husband isn't complaining. He loves you as you are. This isn't interfering with your daily life. The problem is in the way you're thinking about it.

Someday you will be ready to open yourself up fully. When you feel safe, because YOU feel strong enough in your own heart and soul, then you will be ready. And he's willing to wait for the rest of your lives for that. Even if you never open up, he accepts that, and loves you, anyway.

I relate to so much of what you've said here!

My husband is only 29 year olds, so he still young. Am I ruining this guy life? Sometimes I do asked myself the question: What if he never met me? What if he never married me, then would his life be better? I bet it is! I bet his life would be better if he married another girl, instead of married a girl full of emotional scars like me.

I am still doing this. I did it in my last relationship. It's just low self-worth, a lingering feeling that you are inferior to everybody else in the world because your parent, the person who brought you into this world, told you you were not enough, you were defective, you weren't worth much. That's pretty hard coding to untangle. But for me, I'm finally starting to figure out that it had nothing to do with me! In different ways, my dad treated every one of his kids like that. He still treats people badly, if they will allow it. It's a projection of his own self-loathing. He doesn't treat me that way anymore, because I don't tolerate even an inch. Same for the friends of his who also demand respect and don't take any abuse.

I have the tendency to blame myself alot, perhaps this is self-blame that I always having? Do those who are survivals of abuse tends to have self-blame?

YES. God, I still take on SO MUCH responsibility for things. But I'm learning that I'm just one silly little soul, no better or worse than any other.

I relate to your insistence upon financial independence as well. I'm the same way. In a way I think it's admirable, but I think it also reflects this feeling that you shouldn't really rely on or trust anyone but yourself.

The dream of home ownership is a fairly universal and, in my opinion, noble dream. Who wants to pay rent so some real estate corporation can get richer, when you could buy your own stake on the earth and make it your own? Of course they'll always get you with the property taxes and another BS charges, but at least you'll be building an investment, something that is "yours".

I've done a little bit of therapy, and while it really helped me make some breakthroughs in unlocking myself, opening myself up, taking bigger leaps in life, looking back, I don't think it was essential. You can find good counsel in many places for free - church pastors and religious counselors, charitable organizations that give free or low-cost therapy. I paid the lowest price on a sliding scale for therapy. There are also friends, certain family members, anybody you meet who's gone through similar troubles.

I'm more open in talking to people about what I've been through, and the more I get comfortable with that, the more I seem to attract people who have been through similar things and have good tips for me on busting through more of the emotional barriers.

Also, if you enjoy reading, or audio books, or DVDs, get a library card and start reading/listening to/watching educational materials on the things you're struggling with.

Anything in the world you want to learn is available online, often for free. It's one of the most wonderful things about our time. The knowledge of the world is going digital before our very eyes! Start exploring, and you will find answers, doors will open, you'll get hints and clues. It's like a treasure hunt.

Of course you live in a free country and aren't bound to see your marriage through. But it sounds to me as though you and your husband have a very admirable level of devotion, commitment, and love for each other, and if you ask me, the world needs more strong, loving, healthy families that understand real commitment, sacrifice, and love.

May 3, 2015

Some interesting ruminations from a Lebanese poet on love, marriage and self-knowledge.

May 3, 2015

Whoa, Thank you Ms. Ruby Slippers for understanding. What you wrote above make perfect sense, it got me thinking alot too. You are right, I think you undersatnd my emotional struggle inside.

You right again. It seem like I only trust myself 100% completely; and I feel that beside myself, anyone else have the capability of hurt me emotionally.

I am VERY sensitive when it come to me being Financially independent. Being Financially independent make me feel that have Self-worth, you know what I mean?

Throughout my whole childhood, my mother belittle me, making me feel worthless like a dog. As an adult, being the wanderer, independent/carefree girl that I am. The only thing that make me have Self-worth is to NOT depend on anyone.

I'm not rich, I'm poor. I work a Retail/Sales job that pay me hourly and little commission. But I make enough of me to feed myself and survived on my own without anyone help.

In defense of my husband, he working 2 jobs so he make MORE than me. He always always offer to pay more on Rent/Bills because he makes more income. But me--his wife, I refused to let him.

I insist on 50/50 and if he doesnt' listen to me, I will argue with him until my face turn blue. I give him the look like he’s not listening to his wife. He said alright, he let me have it my way as I insist. And he said that when he died he gonna leave all his money to me anyway, Lol!

I'm 30, he 29 so he one year younger than me. Most likely I will die before him, lol

He will not ruin the marriage over something like his wife insist on 50/50 financially.

He is a 29 year olds grown man, I'm sure he have no problem of taking care of his own financial.

Note: I'm only speaking for my marriage only. What works for us might not works for others marriage, or vice versa.

He wants a house, and he wants a baby too. I said we TTC in 2016, and he willing to work 3 jobs, if that means to faster achieve my goal so we can have a baby.

But I won't let him work 3 jobs, no way we can have time with each others if he work that much. He workng 2 jobs right now and I already miss him, I just don't show it blunt out. But as my husband, I think he can feel that I miss him.

For some reason seem like we just stuck together, maybe it love.

We both have other options out there, but we chose each others despite know the hardship we have to face. From my mother discriminate against him, to my abusive childhood that result me not able to give him 100% of me on the emotional side.

My husband he is a 'street smart' guy, so he sure know how to charm girls if he wants. And he charming, he go to the Gym to work often to keep his body fit in shape, and he is a health-freak. I'm sure there other girls out there that he can chose from.

And me an Asian girl in USA, I have other option out there. There older men customers at work that show interest in me, give me their business cards/phone numbers, asked me to dinner. And I turn them all down. I throw away their buisness cards in the trash as soon as they left.

I would have throw it away in their face if I can, but when you work in Retail/Sales and as Customer service; you can't be rude to customers unless you want to get fired.

Those older customers men business cards are doing Real Estate, car dealers, to run their own Business. They all richer than my husband, but I don't care about them.

Given my stubborn attitude on being Financial independent. Those old men financial security means nothing to me, it completely meaningless to me.

My mother also introduced/matchmaker me with other Chinese guys that have College degree, blah blah, I don’t care! I flip them all off.

MY WHOLE LIFE, I fight for independent and freedom. No way I will go back to the life of letting my mom set up everything for me. I'm not a bird in the cage, I'm not a fish in the bowl.

If I be mommy little girl, let she arranged-marriage on me, listen to her like I'm her dog. Then she would pay for my college and I don't have to be a college dropped-out. But Pfffffffff!! I don't need any of that. I rather be poor but I have my freedom and I can be myself. You know what I mean?

I chose my husband--the poor guy but full of 'Street smart'. I find him sexually attractive, I care for him. I also respect him alot because I see how FILIAL he is to his mother, he can sacrifice himself for his mother. When a guy is a filial son, you know he won't abandon his wife and his future children.

Both me and my husband have other options out there, but somehow we still chose each others. Perhaps it called "Familiarity", since we both both live in the same neighborhood. We're already friends, we know each others, and we see each others everyday; so I guess feelings developed from there.

Freaky I know, two people in the same neighborhood got married it just ridiculously awkward.

It sure wasn't an easy relationship, it wasn't all rosey and romantic, big wedding like other couples. There was no candle light dinner for us, there was no engagement ring, there was wedding reception, there was wedding for us.

We both struggle, both went through hardship to be together. I guess from that, we learn to treasure each others.

In my case, when two people live in the same neighborhood, you see each others on the daily basic; so the sparks and flirting would died out fast. The honeymoon phase pretty much has been over for us since long time ago. I'm happy that he still find me attractive after he married me, let alone baby fever.

We now married, and the way he looks at me still like day one. He still stares at me, he still flirt with me like day one. I can tell from his eyes if he still have feelings for me or not.

I don't know how much love we got between us. But what I do know is our relationship/marriage is not based on money, it not based on lust.

I insist on continue keep Financial separate after marriage, and I don't use his money. So I know for sure money got nothing to do with our relationship.

And him, from the day we met to became friends, to dating to marriage. He still faithful to me. I know he's not lusting after some other women, he's not cheating on me.

But nobody can tell the future. Who knows maybe my husband tomorrow wake up and going to change 180 degree. But until then, I think my marriage is stable.

I feel secure when it come to his love. I don't think some random woman can come between us, unless he do a 180 degree change.

Financially he have all the freedom to divorce me, I always leave him an "Exit". So if one day he find another woman, then leave.

I won't fight with him, I won't even ask why. I will just pack my things and sign the divorce papers.

Perhaps I am so low Self-worth to that level... BUT what I really want is him stay with me because of love and only love, that is why I always leave an "Exit" for him. I don't want to tied him down under any reason.

I bet he knows the Financial independent attitude of mine shaped up from my bad childhood experience. So he really understanding, he not even mad. He called me silly, and rest assured me that he not going anywhere.

And he have proven these in the past 4 years we know each others, he still stick around.

He really want a baby, and he still have baby fever. Which I'm surprise because some men would run for the hill when it come to the baby topic.

Maybe he wants a baby because he thinks a baby will tied me down to him? and our baby will help me open up more on the emotional level?

I know my husband loves me, and I love him just as much. Somtimes I do want to just get off my BCP, and just let nature take it course. But then I'm scare that I'm fallen for him more and more everyday. Love it just so scary to me.

Maybe because all my life, I never have any love from my mother. So when it come to love, it just FOREIGN and STRANGE to me. You know what I mean?

Miss. Ruby Slippers, are you a psychologist? Your advice and interpretion sound like you are a psychologist. You seem to understand alot about human emotions.

I feel that I'm so unsure of myself, sometimes I feel kindda lost. It probably noticeable in the he tone of my posts too. I can't explain it, it just I feel what I feel.

I know you reading all these thinking I'm a weirdo. Yes, I am a weirdo. BUT given my childhood, and what I went through to fight for my independent and freedom, to break free from my abusive mother.

It actually very normal and naturally for me to shaped up to be the person I am today.

I'm an analytical person, I'm being analytical on my own marriage too.

And it funny how sometimes I think my marriage have all kinds of problems, but then my husband think our marriage is fine, lol

Well seem like my husband is simple minded. He happy with have a wife that cook and clean, and give him sex. A wife that insist on keep Financial separate, and always leave him an Financial "Exit" just in case if he wants divorce.

For sure my husband is not an insecure guy, or perhaps he love me too much to the point of blindly.

Because I know there many men out there who think it 'Emasculate' their manhood if their wife refused to let them take care of her financially. There alot of men out there that take pleasure and pride in being the breadwinner and take wholely financial take care of their women.

You know, I insist on 50/50 financially, it actually more unfair to me because my income is less than my husband. DH income is always more than me. But I don't care about the unfairness. Now, if he use his money to go strip clubs or pay for a prositute. I will divorce his a-s-s, i'm dead serious.

If one day he find another woman, and wants to leave me, fine. Financially there always an "exit" for him.

And Financially there also 'Exit' for myself too. Prior to him come into my life, I'm Financially independent. Now married or not, I always want to remain this way, always. Hope it make sense.

Miss. Ruby Slippers, may I ask you an personal question. In your reply above, you say you broke up in your last relationship. May I ask how come? Was it because of your childhood experience? Or was it becasue some other factor?

I ask this because I want to learn from you. I think you have ALOT of things that I can learn from. You seem to have alot of experience in relationship, unlike me a sexually inexperience girl who still new to marriage.

Edited May 3, 2015 by thestairs

May 3, 2015

thestairs, I'm glad to help if I can I like reading your thoughts, because it makes me feel relieved to know I'm not the only person in this kind of boat out there!

I totally agree with you on what matters in a man, in a relationship. I've also had impressive "offers", but if the offer isn't for REAL LOVE, my heart can't get into it.

Of all the men I've encountered over the past year as romantic potentials, the one that has appealed to me the most doesn't have much money, but is very masculine, strong, and loyal. I get the feeling from him that he would defend the woman he loves to the death if it came to that. I don't feel like I can accept less than that in a mate, because that's how I feel when I love someone. I would defend him (and someday our children) to the death if push came to shove. He appeals to me more than any of the guys with money or whatever other qualities because I get the feeling he would always have his woman's back.

You're so lucky that your first love is REAL LOVE. He's a man who protects you, he's loyal and faithful to you, he devotes his life and physically toils to make your dreams come true together, he adores you and it makes him happy to contribute to your happiness.

This is the kind of man who won't get bored of you because your body is aging, won't neglect you or your children because he wants to sample other flavors. He knows what his life is about, and he's living it with joy. I'm pretty sure he'll be doting on you just as much when you're 80 as he did on day one. And the two of you will know that you manifested your dreams together.

That's all I want - a MAN who TRULY loves me. It sounds so simple. But for me it hasn't been.

I met a man last week who told me he probably didn't have a chance with me because he's not professionally successful enough yet. I said please don't judge me by your expectations or experiences with other women. I've been offered a "great deal" by the kind of guy you think I'm looking for, and I passed it up because it wasn't real love. I would love nothing more than to work hard with my man to create our dream life together. I believe that we value more what we work for and earn. I don't need it handed to me. I'm happy to create it in an atmosphere of real love.

I think it's bound to happen that people like you and me will test our man to make sure his love is solid. You're not testing him intentionally, but on a deep level, you need to know that nothing can shake his love. So without intending to, in small ways you test the limits of his devotion. Because you need to know how he's going to handle it if things really get sticky. If you're really going to commit your heart to someone, you need to know he's worth it. He's got to be willing to "walk through fire" for you if he must. Of course you don't want to hurt him. But you need to know he's got your back. The beauty is that he does, you could throw a lifetime of tests at him, and I bet he'd pass them all.

Your man is proving every day that he does have your back. He's been proving it since day one. Some day you will finally be able to relax, stop the testing, and just love him. He deserves it! If anyone does, he does. He's the king of your jungle. He's not going to let anything bad happen to you or your family. This is what every woman wants, only the lucky women find, and you've got it. When you feel ready to truly surrender to that, I think you will experience a whole new level of love and happiness you didn't know was possible.

I'm also not surprised he has such strong baby fever with you. My theory about marriage is that it's as if the man is the farmer, and the woman is the earth. He seeks the plot of earth that inspires him to "plant his seeds" and grow a bounty. Your man is so inspired by you, loves you to such a depth, that he is willing to physically toil all day every day to build that dream with you. And he's happy to do it! He enjoys it! It really doesn't get any better than that. So a child with you will be the first "fruit" of your union and labor. This is perfectly natural. It's what we were born to do.

I'm not a psychologist, but I like to read a lot, have very deep conversations with people, and I'm fascinated with human emotional landscapes, our thought patterns, the ways we're evolving.

I don't think you're a weirdo. If you are, then I'm happy I encountered another weirdo like me on this forum

thestairs, I've always been searching for real love, but in all my relationships thus far, I have failed to find it. I thought I had it once. He did love me truly, but his family did not approve of me because they thought I was "too independent". His mother was very dependent on him, as his father had died when he and his brothers were kids. She kind of went crazy and never got her own life, never seemed to get over it. Her sons were her only social life, and she freaked out when they tried to have their own lives and romantic relationships. She was very threatened by me, even though I tried really hard to include her in our life. It was never enough. She even wanted to go on weekend romantic vacations with us and when we didn't invite her, she offered to buy us a brand new car as a bribe. (We both had old, ramshackle cars.) She guilt-tripped him and said he was giving her an ulcer! One day his brother called me while my boyfriend was at work at said get out of this family, you don't belong here, we were all happier before you came along. Instead of defending me, my boyfriend went to them and broke down trying to pacify them. It's a long story, but basically, he did not defend and protect me and our love, and it broke my heart. I couldn't understand it or accept it, because if ANYONE tried to threaten him in any way, I would have defended him to the death. It broke my heart that he didn't have the same capacity to love and protect me. I felt like I was with a boy, not a man. I knew it wasn't a solid foundation for a family of our own.

My last boyfriend was a "great catch" and wanted to get married, but he didn't treat me right, didn't truly love me. It's like I was a songbird and he wanted to put me in a very pretty cage where I would be quiet, obedient, play the role he wanted me to play. I knew that without the love and support to express my voice and "sing my song", my heart would just wither away. No matter how beautiful our life may have looked from the outside, none of that meant anything to me. All I wanted was for him to love me and appreciate me as I am.

When I tried to talk to him about my childhood problems, he didn't understand. He criticized me, never really took my side, blamed me for some of it. He suggested I was "too emotional", "too wild", didn't have enough self-control. He just never "got me".

But looking back, I can see that I must have chosen these men for some reason. My last boyfriend reminded me more of my dad than anyone I've ever been with, the way he belittled and criticized me, all as a reflection of his own deep-seated feelings of self-judgment, just like my dad. He was a lot more subtle, smart, and sophisticated than my dad, but it was the exact same energy. I stood up to him in a way I was never able to stand up to my dad as a kid. I let him know very clearly that I would not be diminished and minimized by him or anyone ever again. And now I'll NEVER go back from that. I would honestly rather die than let anyone step on me like that ever again.

I don't think such a fate is anything you need to worry about. Of course anything can happen. But your man GETS YOU. He accepts you exactly as you are. Maybe he's been through some similar trials in life, so he can relate.

The man in your life is not the problem, not the source of your anxieties and fears. He's not doing anything to trigger them or make them worse. He's doing things to help, to make your life better. He is genuinely loving you. I believe that love is the best healing power anywhere, and you've got that in abundance.

I don't know if I'll ever find that. But it makes me happy to know that it is possible. I'm happy that you found it, on the very first try! I'd love to know what your secret is

May 3, 2015

It's easy to see that your issues are with trust and self-worth thestairs.

Because of your childhood and relationship with your mother, you are always trying to prove yourself to be good enough...deep down you don't feel worthy of love, and because of what you have had to get through in your life alone.

But that has created more than just being independent...but a shield to keep all the things out that will hurt you, because you've learned only to trust yourself, after all that is the only person that was there for you during those tough times...you had to do it alone, so it's going to be hard to trust again.

It's no small deal when the person you trust the most to love you, your own mother...treats you the way she did, like you weren't good enough to be loved and that is hugely damaging. She didn't love you or make you feel loved for who you were, she made you feel rejected, and not good enough...she didn't make you feel loved without exception, but only if you met a certain standard...therefore you deny yourself from being the same way and judging others in that light...I'm sure in the end you'd rather have someone who didn't have too much, because that honestly would probably make you feel even more undeserving. But you resent your mother of course, for that lack of acceptance and love, and that is why you never will fulfill her request...because you feel you must trade who you are to be accepted, and you know that is not you and you probably fear she will likely still not love you.

You don't want a man to come take that away from you in life what you've earned and been through in your life, because you carry a lot of pride and safety in taking care of yourself, you feel this comfort in being in control of yourself and your own life, so that you are never standard or depending on somebody at least...this gives you a sense of freedom and escape from the relationship, knowing that if worse things comes to worse, you will be ok.

And you are also scared of deeper commitments and bonds, like creating a child...these kinds of expressions will make you feel more vulnerable and fearful. The more you have, the more you have to lose...lose not much, and it won't be so bad.

You knew you weren't ready to marry this man, but you had did it anyway, because of the love, trust and support he offered you. But although I think you love him, I know you are not in-love with him. And because you are emotionally protected behind a wall, he moves ahead emotionally while you stand still in the same place. You probably didn't even experience much of a honeymoon phase, I'm guessing...but not entirely sure, he sounds like the friend into relationship type...which to me is never that strong of a chemistry romantically speaking.

But either way, you are not leaving the door open for your husband, you are leaving the door open for you. You are the one pushing away and closing down the love he is trying to give you. Part of you doesn't want it, feel like you deserve it...but part of you feels guilt too for not loving him the way you know you should...you are not excited about having a baby, you are merely just trying to give in and put yourself in a situation where things just happen because you probably couldn't make the choice/decision otherwise.

You need or want somebody to love you beyond a doubt, in a very complete way, someone who you can feel 100 percent certainty and safety with. Therefore you are constantly testing your husband and his boundaries to see if he really loves you...and again, you are making it simple for him to show you or even prove to you that he doesn't...because your fear is trusting a man and giving your heart to someone that will hurt you again...that's why you are only half way in, but you tell yourself you love him more than you really deep down do, not the way you should.

Therefore I think it is you who is planning your escape, I think things are moving too fast for you and you are not ready and you are always with one foot out of the door because you are afraid and also curious, your first lover, your first real man in your life and all because he wanted it. But you are still afraid to be loved and be accepted for who you are at the end of the day and that might be the biggest reason you can't be comfortable in a relationship, let alone a marriage,, because you don't believe someone can or will...you feel that if they knew the real you, then maybe they would disown you or push you away like your mother did.

There's a combination of things going on that are going to bounce you back and forth...one is the truth, then the other is you talking yourself into something and trying to manipulate the situation into what you feel you probably should do.

But I don't think you're ready or had enough growth...I think he's blindly in love with, and despite him loving you so I don't think you love him in that way. And honestly, I don't know if you're going to be at that place anytime soon..you might need to do a lot of soul-searching first and that's probably why you should be alone and figure some of these things out.

You jumped from the basic level to the advanced...you'll be afraid to lose his love and loyalty, but I'm not sure if that's something you could really accept...assuming you even loved him for the right reasons. Once you grow, and discover and get through all your feelings, you might then realize that why you married this man had a lot to do with other reason.

May 3, 2015

THANK YOU so much for sharing your story. You will find love one day. Everyone have their other half, it out ther somewhere. It just a matter of 'time' before we find our other half. Some find it sooner some find it later.

You know another reason why I want to be 'Financial independent' so much is partly from what I witness in my childhood too.

I mentioned in my first post, my dad is a businessman back in my homeland China. Dad 10+ years older than mom, mom was in an arranged-marriage to dad at young age. I know this sound strange to USA, but it is very normal back in the days in China.

Mom also didn't have any education, no work experience. All she knows is to be a wife, stay home and raise children (me and my older bother)

My dad rarely home, he always on business trips making money. Part of it was because he wanted to immigrant our whole family to a democracy country like USA, and it not cheap to immigrant to USA

When dad on business trips, he have other women out there. My mom know about my dad cheating, but there nothing she can do about it. Divorce wasn't an option back then in China. Divorce to Chinese family is just making them "LOSE face", you know what I mean?

And my mom have no where to go too. She didn't have an education, she didn't work, she pretty much have zero choice.

btw, older men that have money in China have other women otuside. It very normal in a society like China, I know it sound strange to westerner.

My mom pissed off at my dad, she have the tendency to take out her anger on her children. She raised me and my older brother based on what she knows: the arranged-marriage, being obedience wife, obey parents, etc...

Evreytime I saw my dad come back from business trips, he bring back bags of cash money for my mom. My mom have everything from fancy clothes, to nice house to shopping spree money. Mom have all the materialistic stuff. But I know deep down she not happy, if she happy she won't take out her anger on her children.

I RESENT this life of my mother, I really RESENT this life. Now, I'm NOT saying all old Chinese men are like my father. I know there good rich men out there who faithful to their wife, example like Bill Gates, lol

I don't hate money, I love money BUT the money that I love is the money that I work to have. NOT he money that a man bring home, while he cheating on his wife when he on his business trips. You know what I mean?

I grew up seeing all this, I hate this life. I swear to myself, I will NOT be like my mom, I will NOT live a life like my mom. My whole life, I fight for freedom and independent. I want a life and a marriage that I can always have an "Exit" financially.

Where I work to support myself, where I don't depend on any man for money. If he one day cheats on me, I can be freely leave him right away, freely to walk out of the marriage.

This is why I am very sensitive and stubborn when it come me being Fianancial independent, and I force this on my poor husband.

And this husbanb of willing to let me have it my way so I can be happy. He knows all about my childhood past, and he very understanding about it.

I know my life is not the worst, there other people out there who have it worser than me.

In poor countries in Asian right now, still have Mail Order bride going on. You know how men that buy wife from another country, like China/Vietnam Mail Order Bride, even Ukraine/Russian Mail Order Bride. Those girls that sale themselves are poor girls in need of money to help out their family and in hoping for a better life.

It sad too, how some girls go to foreign land, got beat up by their spouse, got sexually abuse. And they commit suicide. They have no where to go, they don't speak the language, so some of them commit suicide.

It very sad, I read many story like this in newspaper.

------------------------

My husband was not my first love/was not my first kiss. But my husband is the first guy that I sleep with, I lost my V-card at the old age or 29, lol

My first love/first boyfriend was a Chinese guy from my college. I went to college part time for 2 years before I dropped-out. He was my first love, puppy love kindda thing. We kiss and stuff, but I guess it wasn't serious because I didn't sleep with him.

He have good background, come from educated family. After get his Bachelor degree, he went up North to get his Master. I did make a PROMISE to wait for him 2 years while he get his Master degree.

We phone everyday, when he on school break or holiday he came back to visit his family and me.

BUT that whole 2 years, I didn't miss him at all. I didn't even yearn for his return. It like I'm waiting for him because of the PROMISE that I make. The promise I will wait for him 2 years till he finished get his Master.

When he get his Master, he did come back and get a decent job here. He wants to take the relationship to the next level. Both sides of the family met, my Chinese mother adores him. Well of course my materialistic mom would adore him, because he have Master degree and good background and all.

Both sides of the family plan for us to get married. But NOPE, I turn it down. Because I can't picture myself with him. The picture of my 'future' does NOT have him. I can't picture myself have kids with him.

And most important thing is I'm NOT a fish in the bowl. I'm not the bird in the cage for my Chinese parents to do arranged-marriage on me. I fight in my whole life for freedom, I do not want to follow my mother footstep.

Well I ended the relationship, and I have no regrets.

Would my life be smoother if I married my first boyfriend? Heck yeah! I would have a nice house, would have kids and would stay at home to take care of my childrens. This is our traditional Chinese culture for the life of married women.

BUT this is NOT the life I want. I want a carefree/independent life. The life where I can fly freely like a bird.

So you see, my whole life I chase after freedom. I hate rules, I hate being dictate around. I hate my mother plan out my life for me.

I don't know if anything I say make sense, but it seem like I RESENT the life that my mom lived. I want to do the 180 degree opposite of her life.

My mom was the bird in the cage, I'm sure my moom heart have died a long time ago when she know my dad cheats on her. Now in my dad old age, it my mom that take care of him.

I don't know what is wrong with me, but that is my whole childhood. It seem like all my personality and characters today is shaped up from my childhood experience.

------------------------

As for my husband, he did have a rough upbringing, he is the guy from the hood. His dad was never around, and his dad deceased when he was young so he struggle life by himself.

BUT my husband did NOT have an abusive childhood at all. His mom raise him well and VERY LOVING to him, he loves his mother so much. He is a very filial son, and that is why I respect him.

He have very close relationship with his mother and his older sister. He did NOT have an abusive mother like how I did.

We both struggle in our childhood, just under different situation and circumstances. Perhaps this is what brought us together. I guess for us is "same birds of feather flock together."

And you know what I hate, I hate how people 'judge the book on it cover'. People always tell me that just because my husband have alot of 'Street smart" so he must be this must be that, blah blah. He automatically label as being a bad boy because of his "Street smart".

He is NOT a bad boy, no where near it. He is 29 year olds and he doesn't smoke, doesn't drink. He doesn't have any baby mama, he doesn't have any kids. This is his first marriage, also first marriage for me.

My husband drive the local Truck. Being a Truck driver required No DUI, No DOT violations, passed all Drugs test.

He must have No positive Drugs, No Alcohol test, passed all Criminal and background check before he can be hired.

And they also give truck drivers random Drugs test too. So I know for sure my husband doesn't do drugs.

Trust me, it rare these day to find a guy who age 29, doesn't smoke, doesn't drink and have ZERO baby mama. So there, anywhere would my husband fit under the definition of bad boy?

I know all the stereotypes about his ethnicity. But I don't care about stereotypes becaue there are always exception to the all stereotypes.

I date my husband, all I care about is him. He is who I need to know about. What matter is what HE do, what matter is HIS actions. I don't care if other guys his skin color do this do that, blah blah... It all IRRELEVANT because those guys are NOT my husband. What they do have ZERO effects in my relationship.

I don't have any good tips or secrets. But what I know is in our relationship we started out as friends first. We live in the same cheap rent neighborhood, so we ran into reach others alot. He help carried heavy stuff for me, help carried my heavy laundry. We become friends and he chase me. I drag it long too, for 2 years we were 'just friends'.

But that 2 years helps alot in getting to know each other lifestyle, hobbies, see how he filial he is to his mother, see how he interacts with his friends and other people in the neighborhood.

We developed feelings so when we began dating, it just click since we already friends and know each others well.

My only advice is to be friends first, developed 'feelings' first and then dating. You know the emotional 'feelings', NOT the physical sexual attraction.

and when I said be friends first, I mean friends friends. NOT the 'friends with benefits' thing.

Ruby Slippers, I think I remember reading one of your thread where you talk about Online Dating right? So you met your Ex-BF through online dating? Now that I have ZERO experience in. Was the Ex-BF that you almost got married to, did you met him Online too?

The relationship between me and my husband, up until today I still kindda feel weird about it. I do find it to be awkward to married someone in such that close distance--same neighborhood.

Because look at today Technology and Airplane, people met Online/Long Distance and got married. And I married a guy who apartment is 5 minutes within walking distance to my apartment.

I feel like I don’t live in modern time but I live in ancient time. In 2015, people just don’t married someone from their neighborhood anymore. You know what I mean?

And I'm willing to bet with how today technology is, the statistic chances of those who married someone they met through Online dating/or Long distance relationship outnumber/more likely to happen than those who married someone from the same neighhorhood as them.

I do know married couples who met through Online dating. In fact, one of my friend is getting married in June and they met Online. More and More couple nowadays met and married from Online dating. Some happy successful married couples too.

Edited May 3, 2015 by thestairs

May 3, 2015

uh... "Ninjainpajamas', your reply just make me even more confused than I'm already is, lol but thank you for your advice. And I know I LOVE my husband.

My husband is not my first boyfriend. I mentioned it in the reply above.

But my husband is the first guy that I have a sexual relationship with. I gave him my V-card, so I know I trust him enough. I have no regrets.

I don't know how much love we have in us. BUT I know for sure the 4 years know him; from met to became friends, to dating to married. The whole 4 years, our relationship is full of Fidelity. There's no third party between us.

He not checking out other women, he not sleeping with other women. Basically he throw his sexual life of 4 years away for me.

My husband is my first, but I am NOT his first.

He had 2 relationship prior to me, and he had some 'One night stand' too. He said the ONS it simply just "Purely Physical sex" to him. He doesn't have feelings for those girls in his ONS, and he always wear condom on his ONS, he doesn't want to pay for child support.

His ONS, both parties fully aware and agree to have sex just for the Physical sex. And after sex, he leaves right away. He doesn't stay overnight, he doesn't text those girls. He doesn't keep in touch with those girls.

He said there NO emotional attachment to it, so leaving right after sex was very easy for him.

He actually very upfront about his sexual history, and I appreciate him for that. With his "One night stand", he said he doesn't care at all because there was never any emotional attachment.

BUT with his 2 relationship, he admit he did invest his emotions into it. Both of his 2 past relationship meant alot to him. I appreciated him for being honest about it.

His 2nd relationship almost lead to marriage, but it fail because his salary wasn’t the ideal ‘provider’ that his ex-GF wanted… In her eyes, he wasn’t the ideal ‘provider’ man that she wants to married for a husband.

I bet he still loves her alot, there always a spot in his heart for her. Never once he said anything bad about her-his ex

I'm his third relationship, and he was the one that keen on get married. I don't know how much he loves me, but I know he cares for me and he never disrespect me.

------------------------------------

I mentioned me and my husband we live in the cheap rent area neighborhood, that was how we met, dated and married.

I chose this nickname "thestairs" because it a memory between me and my husband.

He chase me hard, he choose the public staircase that closest to my apartment, quietly sit there and wait for me. So he can asked for my number, and want to be friends.

Day by day passed by, whenever he back from work or whenever he have the Freetime. He would come back to this same staircase to sit and wait for me.

My staircase is facing the parking lot, so I have no choice but to passed by this stairs and passed by him in order to get to my apartment.

He always respectful to me too. He knows I live alone with a poodle but he never knock on my door, because he knows that will freak out a conservative Chinese girl like me.

He had my phone number but he still wait patiently outside my staircase. He would phone me and let me know he sitting outside my stairs, and it be nice if I came outside to see him, he wants us to hang out.

People reading this probably think my husband is a creeper, lol

But here in where we live, all apartments have staircase. These stairs are everywhere and have lights on too. It pretty much belong in the public, anyone can wait/stand/sit out there if they wants. Even little kids run up and down these stairs to play.

After 4 years of know him from living here, and now we married. We still sometimes sit outside this same staircase, I tease him about it and we both laughs, lol

The sex, we were in a commited relationship for 1 year before I gave him sex. And he waited, he never pressure me. He patience and gentle in bed. Even now we married, he still gentle and caring in bed. He haven't change all these years.

He always looks at my facial expressions during sex to get feedback. He kisses me alot during sex too, uh... kissing while getting it on. I know he not having sex only for his own pleasure, he cares for me too.

Last time I told him that he always hit my cervix during sex. And now he all worried that he going to hurt me. So now during sex he would ask me if it hurts.

It ridiculously awkward because during sex and he would whisper saying "Sorry", and said "Does it hurt?".. Hearing those words does tune my brain into an awkward mode though, lol but hey at least it show he cares.

He working 2 jobs right now, everyday he at work 12-14 hours so we can have enough money to buy a house. And he have baby fever. I don't know if any guy would go do all these stuff if he don't love the girl.

I don't think any guy would wait outside a girl staircase in hope to see the girl, if he doesn't love her.

My heart tell me that my husband loves me, my heart always tell me that he loves me.

But my head tell me another thing, my head tell me that I begin to love him, so I need protect myself and not be vulnerable to him.

I know my husband is not making me feel insecure, I am actually very secure when it come to his love. BUT... why am I so scare to show him my vulnerable side?

The problem is ME! It is me that not open up to him on the emotionally level. He knows I like to keep things inside, but he doesn't pressure me to open up. He will said "Baby, talk to me", he is the guy that want to talk it through all problems. But what can he do if his wife doesn't want to talk to him about her emotional feelings?

btw, Miss. 'Ruby Slippers'

May I ask a question about Birth Control, beside the Birth Control Pills, I heard that rod arm implant thing is more affective right? Did you try that? Did it have many side effects? I know there alot of online articles about it, but I want to hear it from first hand experience.

I got a pregnancy scare earlier in the month of April, as my body trying to get used to the BCP, and it give me breakthrough bleeding and I skip a month of period.

BUT I know I'm not pregnant, the pregnancy test was negative. And I also take my BCP pills exactly on time everyday, and I'm NOT taking any Antibiotics so there no interfere with my BCP, I know I'm 99% safe.

But uh.. we married now so I can't hold off sex from my husband. Whenever he wants sex, I have to give him. Sex is part of my duty as his wife. So to be on the safe side, do you think BCP is the most effective?

Me and my husband talk about this, we both agree I take BCP until 2016 and then TTC

And if I happened to get pregnant while on the pills, then we both keep the baby at all cost. We both are against abortion,

and he have baby fever, he will be THRILLED if I get pregnant.

And Ruby Slippers, from your reply. You said you chose men that similar to your father? Really? Do girls tend to do that?

This is new to me because I'm 200% sure my husband is nothing like my father. No way on Earth, I will chose men like my dad. No way I will go back to that childhood of mine.

Whoa, I wrote alot of my emotional feelings out in this thread. I'm sorry, it all long post from me so please skip it if you busy. It feel good that I can get it off my chest. I'm trying to get to the bottom of this, so I can see what is wrong with me so I can fix it.

My heart tell me the problem is NOT my husband, the problem is all coming from me, my internal self struggling.

And I don't think my husband is blindly in love with me. Because I know him well enough and I understand him. He is a VERY level-headed guy, and he is very down-to-earth. He also a very Self-control guy.

It take ALOT ALOT ALOT in order for him to lose his level-headed.

It HARD to flip off his balance scale. His scales does get flip off balance if mentioned the death of his father, other than that it really hard to shake him.

I often tell my mother in-law how grateful I am and how much I admire her for raise such a good son.

His dad was never in his life, and deceased when he was in his late teens. So his moom raise him alone with his sister, and she did one heck of a good job. He grown up to be a good man.

I know I love my husband, because I worried about him alot. I worried if he hungry when he at work. Worried if he driving home safety when he get off work late at night. Worried if he tired, worried if he safe out there.

I try cater all my husband needs. When he work late at night, I cook for him in the middle of the night so he can have fresh meal to eat. If this not love, then what it is?

All these feelings I never have with my Ex-BF (the one I dated when I was in college)

I know my feelings, I yearn for my husband. But uh... I never tell him.

When I'm in his arms, I feel very safe. If these is not love, then what it is?

And it not about sex, because it clearly that my husband enjoy sex more than I do. I'm still trying to get used to sex, it be 4 months into marriage and I'm sexually inexperience.

He is at his second job, his Warehouse job right now. When he get home he will have half a day off today, and I will talk to him more about my feelings.

I try to talk to him before, and he very understanding. He told me don't sweat about it, he KNOWS it all. He said "I KNOW YOU", well given his "street smart", he's NOT stupid.

I don't think a Chinese girl like me is that hard for him to understand. He married me so I bet he can tell about my feelings, he doesn't say it that doesn't means he completely clueless about it.

okay, I need to work on my marriage, starting today. I need to learn slowly open up to him more on the emotional level. He is an awesome husband and I don't want to lose him.

My older brother said I will regret it big time if I lose my husband. My older brother said that when you have something, you don't know how to appreciated it. But when it gone, you will realized how lucky you are and it might already be too late.

Edited May 3, 2015 by thestairs

May 5, 2015

THANK YOU so much for sharing your story. You will find love one day. Everyone have their other half, it out ther somewhere. It just a matter of 'time' before we find our other half. Some find it sooner some find it later.

That's sweet. Thank you. And I agree

When dad on business trips, he have other women out there. My mom know about my dad cheating, but there nothing she can do about it.

It very normal in a society like China, I know it sound strange to westerner.

Oh, it's just as common in the West, I'm sure! The difference is that here it's glamorized. Victoria's Secret was marketing a bra a while back called "The Player". I saw someone with a Jack in the Box cup the other day, and it said something like "Get your late night foodie call." Wow! Just unabashed celebrations of cheating and casual sex. No wonder the US is an empire in decline!

Evreytime I saw my dad come back from business trips, he bring back bags of cash money for my mom. My mom have everything from fancy clothes, to nice house to shopping spree money. Mom have all the materialistic stuff. But I know deep down she not happy, if she happy she won't take out her anger on her children.

I've had this offer again and again. I'm starting to think it's not that hard to find. They're offering the entry ticket to a lifetime of luxury and comfort. I can't say it hasn't been tempting at times, especially when it was offered by a gorgeous, sexy, brilliant, generally caring and good man. But without real love, it felt like an empty bargain to me.

I love money BUT the money that I love is the money that I work to have. NOT he money that a man bring home, while he cheating on his wife when he on his business trips. You know what I mean?

I know exactly what you mean. For me, no amount of money could soothe the pain of that arrangement.

My mom was the bird in the cage, I'm sure my moom heart have died a long time ago when she know my dad cheats on her.

Yes. And while I'm certainly not excusing her behavior in any way, this is where I can begin to feel compassion for your mother. Imagine what a number this must have done on heart and mind, to have to live her entire life in this empty bargain without your father's loyalty. Every time he was gone, she had to fall asleep knowing that he was having sex with some other woman while she was home taking care of the kids, with no real way out. Of course there's never an excuse to take out your anger on your children or anybody, but I can imagine that she didn't feel she had any other way to vent and let out all that pain.

Your husband sounds like a good man and a good husband to me, and someone who will be a good father. He is loving, caring, attentive, loyal, honest, patient, hardworking, physically fit. I think you picked very well!

My only advice is to be friends first, developed 'feelings' first and then dating. You know the emotional 'feelings', NOT the physical sexual attraction.
and when I said be friends first, I mean friends friends. NOT the 'friends with benefits' thing.

I think you're right. My best relationships started from friendships, where we had the chance to get to know each other, then romantic attraction grew, and when we couldn't hold it in any longer, we acted on our feelings. I haven't even kissed anyone in (counting...) 19 months. I've been on at least a dozen dates, but I'm being selective and not wasting my time or theirs if I don't feel the connection. I have major spring fever right now and am getting impatient!! But in spite of being tempted, I still don't think it's a good idea to get mixed up with some casual lover right now. It would be easy, and satisfying, but in the big picture, not helpful.

The relationship between me and my husband, up until today I still kindda feel weird about it. I do find it to be awkward to married someone in such that close distance--same neighborhood.

I feel like I don’t live in modern time but I live in ancient time. In 2015, people just don’t married someone from their neighborhood anymore. You know what I mean?

I think it's sweet and romantic. To me, it's not romantic to say, "We met on a dating site." But I'm open to it happening, anyway. I don't think there's anything wrong with some of "the old ways". You and your husband come from the same world, and that's a big factor in romantic success. You have a similar background and can relate to each other on many levels.

I chose this nickname "thestairs" because it a memory between me and my husband.

We still sometimes sit outside this same staircase, I tease him about it and we both laughs, lol

To me, that is a very romantic story! It doesn't get much sweeter or more sincere. You're the lady and he's the knight.

btw, Miss. 'Ruby Slippers'
May I ask a question about Birth Control, beside the Birth Control Pills, I heard that rod arm implant thing is more affective right? Did you try that? Did it have many side effects? I know there alot of online articles about it, but I want to hear it from first hand experience.

I've taken BC pills for about 3 years total and it didn't fail me. I've never tried the implants. A friend of mine got the shot and gained like 30 pounds in a month, though, so beware! I preferred the pills because with those, you can stop them immediately if there's a problem.

Yes, I think BC pills are the most effective form of contraception. Of course every method can fail, but they are at least 99% effective. In spite of what the pharma companies say, I do NOT think it's healthy to take hormones, especially long term. Also, since you mentioned your sex drive versus your husband's, I will mention that extra estrogen definitely reduces the sex drive, and there are numerous other effects. But I think it's the best option that we have at this time, so I've accepted the downsides at times.

And Ruby Slippers, from your reply. You said you chose men that similar to your father? Really? Do girls tend to do that?
This is new to me because I'm 200% sure my husband is nothing like my father. No way on Earth, I will chose men like my dad. No way I will go back to that childhood of mine.

In my earlier dating life, I chose men who were the exact opposite, much more sensitive and soft, sweet. My last boyfriend didn't seem anything like my dad on the surface. But as I got to know him, I realized he had similar personality qualities. Maybe it was just a coincidence, but for me, it felt fated that he diminished me in exactly the same ways as my dad used to, and made me feel exactly the same way. For a while I thought maybe that was just my fate. Maybe I am too sensitive and just need to toughen up. Maybe I am expecting perfection. Whatever the case, his stabbing little criticisms and the way he dismissed my emotions just wasn't something I wanted to live with or "submit to". I felt that I've come too far and worked too hard to actualize myself as a human being to be diminished and almost erased like that.

okay, I need to work on my marriage, starting today. I need to learn slowly open up to him more on the emotional level. He is an awesome husband and I don't want to lose him.

I don't think you being more emotionally guarded will ever drive your husband away. What are you actually afraid of? What is the worst thing that you worry is going to happen to you or your marriage or your life?

I think your husband would be happy with you if you never opened up another inch. So why are you putting all this pressure on yourself to open up?How do you think that will make your life and marriage better?

May 5, 2015

Miss. Ruby Slippers, may I ask, what kind of men do you find attractive? You seem so CLASSY and Educated, I have the feelings you attracted to "Book smart" men. The men that button-up shirt, suit and tie type. Businessman, hold office job/the boss type, financial security type of men. Am I right?

Can you tell me your ideal men qualification? Like what your top requirements that you look for in a mate.

I bet you have alot of male co-worker interest in you.

Me and my husband are NOT classy at all. Both of us are poor and living in a cheap rent bad area neighborhood.

I was raise in a traditional Chinese family that taught me to like "Book smart" men. The traditional role of wife that stay home to raise children, while the men out to work to make money. The life that I born in, the life that I was raise with.

But due to my childhood abuse trauma, I resent that 'bird in a cage' life. I grow up chase after freedom and independent. I live the carefree life, the Financial independent life where I leave an 'exit' for myself, and an 'exit' for my husband.

About my marriage; what I'm scare is the more I love my husband, the more I realized that I go against what I was raise with. I go against what I was taught, what my mother instilled in my head for the 18 years living with her.

I go against my traditional Chinese culture, I go against the Chinese society. I go against who I am; seem like I still hang on to my Chinese culture despite it suffocating me.

My dad is a 'Book smart' man, and he is the business man back in my homeland China. Thank you to my dad hard work, it was dad's money that brought our whole family immigrant to USA

My husband is 180 degree opposite of my father.

Husband is the 'Street smart' type. His hood status, you know what I mean? Given his rough upbringing, he have tons of street credibility.

If you don't know him personally, and just from seeing him on the outside, you will mistake him as a 'Thug/Gangster' from the way he dress.

BUT he is NOT a Thug/Gangster. He doesn't smoke, doesn't drink. He have zero DUI and he have a clean Criminal records. He just like to dress like one, lol

Heck, but then I'm attracted to his 'street' clothing style. and I'm attracted to the way he carries himself. He also possess the independent/carefree attitude similar to me. We both hate rules, we both doesn't like to be controlled. We both struggle in life, we both have tough childhood. We have things in common when we talk, we clicked.

I think having 'similar background' and having things in common is a part help keep my marriage together, because he understand my struggling and I understand his.

It amazing how much my husband can endure hardship. His dad was in and out of jail and deceased when he in his late teens. His mom raise him well, he is nothing like his father.

He rest assured me that he won't turn out to be like his dad. Because he understand the pain of growing up without a father. He vows to himself that he will never let his children going through the same pain that he went through.

He will not do anything to get him in trouble with the laws. He will make sure he there to raise his children, and watch them grow up.

Well, his actions match his words. Because he going to be 30 in September, and never once in his life that he get in trouble with the laws.

Personality wise, my husband is a very 'Level-headed' and 'Self-controlled' guy. If he doesn't know you; he dones't smile at you, he doens't talk to you. He come across as "Stoic', he doesn't show his emotions at all.

Unless you are his family, his close friends or his wife; then you will see the doting side of him.

It take alot for him to lose his 'Level-headed'. He does get sensitive and emotional when it come the topic of his deceased father, but other than that he very 'Stoic'.

I'm completely different from my husband. I'm the sunshine smile type of girl. I'm friendly, I'm a doormat for everyone, lol

My emotions and feelings are scatter all over the place. I can't keep my emotions calm, let alone be "Stoic" like him.

Well he married a wife that full of 'emotional scars', and he still calm and endure it.

What do you think of 'Stoic' men? They endure alot, and keep the emotions inside. Does that means one day they will explode?

It seem like my husband since little he trained himself to be Stoic; it take alot alot for him to lose his cool.

About sex drive, I always have Low sex drive. I think this is due to me is a virgin. Do all virgin after get married they suddenly become High sex drive?

My sex drive have remained the same even before I take BCP, when I first met him it was already low like this. After married to him, it still low as ever, lol

I talk about this to my husband before we married. I told him that being sexually inexperience and my Chinese culture, I wasn't taught to be all over the man.

I told him that I love him but I don't know how to be all over him, so I asked him to be patience with me, is he okay with that?

He said he okay with that, he doesn't mind. He said as a man; he likes to initiate and he likes to be dominant, so he doesn't see any problem with it.

I guess what he means is as long as when he initiate sex, I give him sex, then it all good to him.

Oh, I think 'communication' is another key that keep my marriage together. The 'verbal communication', you know.

I talk to him alot regarding my culture and my childhood. Before we married, I make sure that I lay completely everything out for him to know. I want to be fair to him, and to be fair to myself too.

I think this is a tips for all relationship. In relationship/marriage, you need to 'BE YOURSELF' and "verbally communicate' alot with your partner.

Uh.. sex, eversince married, I never say NO to him when it come to sex. And that is why I keep on get pregnancy scare. I'm sooooo NOT ready to become a mother. This is why I keep ask if there any other birth control that is more effective than BCP, just to be extra safe.

You don't know, my husband have high sex drive. It easy for him to get in the mood for sex. He working 12-14 hours everyday, so I thought when he get home all he have the energy for is shower, eat and sleep. But Nope! I was wrong. He still have the energy for sex.

For example like when he back from work; sometimes when I miss him, I hug him from behind and say his name, and uh.. that alone lead to sex. Just a hug from his wife and he get turn on for sex. You see how high his sex drive can be? This is normal for a guy age 29 like him right?

You right, I am putting pressure on myself. My older brother think sometimes I'm being too hard on myself. I always feel like I'm not a good wife at all.

I heard about men complain that their wife is being 'emotionally unavailable' to them. Pardon English is my third language, but I don't think that is my case. Because I am emotionally available to my husband. Whenever he wants to talk, I'm always there.

There is NO emotional-affair, there only 1 guy on my mind and that guy is my husband.

And you right again. I have nothing to lose because I keep Finnacial separate; so financial wise, both of us have the freedom to walk out of this marriage any time. The worst can happen to me is I end up in the Homeless shetler again, and start my life over from scratch again; like when I ran out of my abusive mother house.

But now at age 30, for sure I won't end up in Homeless shelter because I do have my Saving account. I have a weird obsession with saving money.

At worst is I lose my husband, if he cheats on me. But there NO sign of him cheating on me yet. I know my husband body smell too too well. If there another woman smell on him, I can definately tell. We women are very sensitive when it come to this stuff. You know what I mean?

I guess I want to open up more emotionally for my own peace of mind. Because the whole idea of 'surrender' yourself emotionally to a man is just so foreign to me.

The whole idea of love someone is scary to me too. Even when I was dating my husband, I tried really hard to force myself to forget him. But then how easy it is to forget him, when you and him live in the same neighborhood. Everyday I realized I love him more, now we are married and sometimes I still try to force myself to forget my own husband.

It very easy to forget him IF he do something to make me lose respect for him. I don't know how to explain this, but as a woman, I can say this: Once I LOST RESPECT for a man, that is the end to us--the end to the relationship.

I can only love a man when he is still the man that I respect. So one day IF my husband did something to make me lose respect for him, then it will be so easy for me to stop loving him. If this make sense?

But so far my husband haven't do anything to make me lose respect for him yet.

Another problem I noticed from me is I'm easily confused, lol

Did you read "Ninjainpajamas" last reply in page 1? Reading that reply confused the heck out of me. After read that, I started to confused myself with all the things 'Ninjainpajamas" said about me from that reply--like: I don't love my husband. I'm not in love with my husband. I married him for the wrong reason, etc...

Indeed I am confused with my OWN feelings. But one thing for sure I'm NOT confused on is I know my husband love me.

I don't think this life time I can find another guy like my husband.

My question is: How do YOU know when you love someone? Maybe I never love someone before so I--myself don't know what love is.

Miss. Ruby Slippers, how do you know when you love someone? Did you have hard time express it out?

I know I love my husband because I worried about him alot, worried from his safety to whether if he hungry. I yearn from him, but then I don't want him to know.

Like right now, I'm going to cook dinner for him and it late here in California time. When he have to work late, I cook dinner in the middle of the night for him, I want him to have fresh meal on the table to eat when when get home. I know if there no love--I will not do something like this.

My husband capable of cook his own food, but he working his butt off right now, so I'm more than happy to pick up the cooking.

He does appreciated me cooking for him too. Everytime when I cook late for him, when I prepare put food out on the table. He always grab my hands and kiss both of my hands.

So rather his sex drive is high again, or he appreciate his wife cooking, lol

Alot of people say my marriage will just crash and burn and fail, including my own mother. Well when it fail, they can laugh at me. But so far we still together, and my husband say he happy.

It seem like I'm the one that let all the negativity instilled in me.

Edited May 5, 2015 by thestairs

May 5, 2015

To Miss. Ruby Slippers,
May I ask, what kind of men do you find attractive? You seem so Educated, I have the feelings you attracted to "Book smart" men. The men that button-up shirt, suit and tie type. Businessman, hold office job/the boss type, financial security type of men. Am I right?
Can you tell me your ideal men qualification? Like what your top requirements that you look for in a mate.

Miss thestairs, certainly you may

I'm not attracted to one particular type. I find lots of "types" of men attractive. But for whatever reason, I usually attract handsome, professional men who make a lot of money. Even when I was living in the 'hood in this house that was falling apart so I could put myself through college, my boyfriend was an engineer. I've also gotten serious or somewhat serious with a programmer, lawyer, doctor, mostly white collar guys. But I have deviated from the type somewhat. A couple of musicians, and even a bouncer. My most interesting prospect from online dating right now is a corporate finance manager, ready to put down roots, buy a house, and create a family with the right woman. But I'm this kind of wild hippie artist, pretty non-corporate. I started up my own business, so I have to be keep a fairly professional image to appeal to the people with money. But I pay myself a pittance of a salary and reinvest most of the profit back into the business.

And honestly, I don't care much about "nice things". I don't buy into the consumer culture brainwashing. I mean, yes, I would love to have a swimming pool someday, and a cool car that's fun to drive. (I like to drive like a race car driver - always have ) But I'd rather just pay a few bucks to visit the community fitness center pool and drive a modest car than sell out my soul for shiny things. I see the benefits of nice things. But I can't organize my whole life around the pursuit of them. I'm working for things that I feel are a lot more meaningful than stuff. I don't really have the money yet for the "right" car, the right wardrobe, the right lifestyle to attract these kind of men. But for whatever reason, I do.

It was kind of funny when my last boyfriend came over, because he had this very nice car, the nicest one parked anywhere in my neighborhood by far, and he would come into my run-down little house with my mostly thrift store furniture in his fancy, stylish clothes. He wasn't flashy, and he was smart with his spending, but everything he had was top of the line. I loved my house because it was private and cheap and I could sing at 2:00 in the morning without worrying about bothering neighbors. I didn't care that it didn't project the right image. I only moved to a nicer place because I needed to invite clients to my home office sometimes, and my advisors told me I needed to project the right (expensive) image.

Maybe I attract these men because they think I need to be taken care of. Maybe I'm giving off that impression. They are the guys that society considers "catches," I guess.

Blue collar and non-professional guys don't really approach me in a "serious" way. Even guys who have earned a modest income have worried aloud more than once that they don't make enough money for me, I could get someone "better", even though I spent most of my childhood being deprived in many ways and am looking for love, not money. I never try to get money or things out of a man, so I don't know why they assume I want someone who makes more money.

My requirements for a mate are that he loves me and treats me well, I love him and treat him well, we get along and enjoy life together, we have similar goals, he wants marriage and a family, and he is honest, ethical, and loyal. He also has to be able to support himself financially, and he is willing and ready to work alongside me to support a family.

I have other preferences, like a strong, masculine, manly man, someone tall, athletic, and strong like me, a music lover, creative, very passionate and sensual, a free thinker, someone who enjoys fine art, someone who can cook, likes giving me great massages, likes to write and play music, and so on. But these kind of qualities are more flexible; some are nice but not necessary.

Heck, but then I'm attracted to his 'street' clothing style. and I'm attracted to the way he carries himself. He also possess the independent/carefree attitude similar to me. We both hate rules, we both doesn't like to be controlled. We both struggle in life, we both have tough childhood. We have things in common when we talk, we clicked.

I felt exactly the same way when I dated this bouncer. He was the first non-professional, more physical job guy. He was also the first Latino man I ever dated, and I was the first white woman he ever dated, so that was pretty sexy and fun. He dressed pretty stylishly, but he totally had that strong, stoic air about him. Other men seemed to pick up on it immediately. He was the quiet guy who kept order when it needed to be kept. If people started getting wild at a party, he took care of it, de-escalated the situation. Men listened to him and followed his rule. And he was always in the moment, and we had SO much fun together, always. But we were from such different worlds. I think it worked best short-term. He could barely provide for himself, and he was happy with that. There was always some woman with money who was more than happy to "take care of him". He didn't seem to have the drive or desire to work for more, to have a family. We have messaged with each other a few times since, and it's always sweet and pleasant. Even I feel like I would like to send him a fat check if I ever make a lot of money, because he was just so cool, and I felt like being with him did me a world of good He didn't have any money, but somehow he gave 100 times more than a lot of men do. Before him, I had broken up with this guy who turned into a harassing stalker, and the bouncer sincerely and clearly offered me protection if he ever tried to hurt me, even offered to sniff him out and confront him. That was very powerful for me. I told him I could and would handle it (and I did), but I appreciated the offer.

What do you think of 'Stoic' men? They endure alot, and keep the emotions inside. Does that means one day they will explode?

As long as they're expressive enough to tell me they love me and talk sweet to me, I think it's very sexy. Like you, I'm somewhat wild, pretty free, and very tuned in to my emotional impulses. As I mature, I'm learning to be more stable and keep a grip on my emotions. But that part of me that loves to dance barefoot under the moonlight on the beach, a spirit at one with nature and the universe, will never die, I'm sure.

About sex drive, I always have Low sex drive.

What makes you say that? Have you had crushes, sexual desire, infatuation for anybody? Do you fantasize sexually?

I guess what he means is that as long as when he initiate sex, I give him sex, then it all good to him.

Do you enjoy sex? Is it pleasurable? Do you have orgasms? If these questions are too personal, I apologize! I think it's great that you don't deny your husband. But I think it's possible to get to the point where it is mutually pleasurable and enjoyable, and that would increase your happiness and his.

This is why I keep ask if there any other birth control that is more effective than BCP, just to be extra safe.

You could use a backup method if it would make you feel better. Here's a nice guide to the various BC options. I think good backup options to use in addition to BC pills could be the diaphragm, cervical cap, or sponge. Spermicide could work, too, but I for one don't like putting chemicals in my body unless I really need to.

Just a hug from his wife and he get turn on for sex. You see how high his sex drive can be? This is normal for a guy age 29 like him right?

Very normal. I also get the impression that your man is very physically attracted to you, finds you very beautiful and sexy.

Are you physically attracted to him? Do you find him sexy?

Has your husband ever complained that you are "emotionally unavailable"? I don't get the feeling that your husband even thinks that way.

So you are scared of losing your husband? You're scared you might lose him because you are "emotionally unavailable"? Are you scared you might leave him? Because I don't get the impression at all that he would leave you.

I also don't get the impression from what you've written that your husband is cheating on you. I also get the sense that he is the kind of guy who will never cheat on you. It seems to me that he loves you very much, and will always treasure you, honor you, be true to you. Of course I haven't met him and I'm just going by what you've written. But I think you're safe with him.

Why do you try to force yourself to "forget" your husband?

Another problem I noticed from me is I'm easily confused, lol
Did you read "Ninjainpajamas" last reply in page 1? Reading that reply confused the heck out of me. After read that, I started to confused myself with all the things 'Ninjainpajamas" said about me from that reply--like: I don't love my husband. I'm not in love with my husband. I married him for the wrong reason, etc...
Indeed I am confused with my OWN feelings. But one thing for sure I'm NOT confused on is I know my husband love me.
I don't think this life time I can find another guy like my husband.

Yes, I read what he wrote. My interpretation of what he said is that you love your husband but are not "in love" with him. This is a difference that only comes up in the matter of marriage for romantic love, as opposed to marriage for practical reasons (various levels of arranged marriage). "In love", according to Western notions of romance, is infatuated, obsessed, that moony, glowing, primal draw toward a romantic partner, that feeling that you were meant to be together. Like when Cupid shoots you in the heart with his arrow, and hearts start springing out of your eyes lol

Infatuation is by nature fleeting. It's designed to last about 2 years, just long enough to produce a child and raise it to toddlerhood. It's nature's way of bonding a man and woman together so they form a strong union of support for their offspring. It's not designed to last longer than that. There are things you can do to rekindle that romance for decades. For example, engaging in novel activities with your partner is a great way to trigger those swoony, romantic feelings. It triggers similar brain chemistry reactions, evokes memories and feelings.

I think it's possible and likely that you had this kind of "crush" on your man at least in the beginning. And even if you didn't, I don't think that invalidates or diminishes your love in any way.

A lasting love that begins with this infatuation period is regarded in Western philosophy as the ideal form of romantic love. But infatuation is NOT required for healthy, lasting love. Personally, I think it's wonderful if both partners feel it, but even if only one of you feels it or neither of you feels it, you can still have a wonderful, loving, lasting relationship. If you did not feel that "crush" on your man, but you don't consider that a problem and your husband doesn't consider that a problem, then it's not a problem.

My question is: How do YOU know when you love someone? Maybe I never love someone before so I--myself don't know what love is.
Miss. Ruby Slippers, how do you know when you love someone? Did you have hard time express it out?

I don't have the slightest problem loving and expressing love. Now, when I get hurt and scared, I have at times reacted in dysfunctional ways. It hit me during an argument in my last relationship that here I was, once again, in bed, mad at my man, with my back to him, ignoring him and doing everything in my power not to even touch him, while he tried everything to get me to talk to him. It hit me how RIDICULOUS I was being! What am I, 5 years old? On the level of emotional pain of that particular sort, yes, I was stuck in childhood. As a kid, when I was abused, neglected, and hurt, I always ran away, retreated into my shell, and knew that nobody would care or even check on me. I used to fantasize about running away, how the next time my dad treated me badly, I would run away and never come back. I relished the thought of hurting him like that, as punishment for all the ways he hurt me every day. I thought that if something bad happened to me, good, he'd have to live with his failure as a father. But I couldn't bear to hurt my mom like that. She wasn't an amazing mom, but she never abused me. She just loved a difficult and dark-hearted man.

I think you love your husband as much as a woman could love a man, and he feels the same way about you.

Here are some thoughts about love and life that I really like, from The Road Less Traveled, by M Scott Peck (an excellent book I highly recommend):

Love is the will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth... Love is as love does. Love is an act of will -- namely, both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love.

Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult-once we truly understand and accept it-then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.

Love is the free exercise of choice. Two people love each other only when they are quite capable of living without each other but choose to live with each other.

The problem of unmet expectations in marriage is primarily a problem of stereotyping. Each and every human being on this planet is a unique person. Since marriage is inevitably a relationship between two unique people, no one marriage is going to be exactly like any other. Yet we tend to wed with explicit visions of what a "good" marriage ought to be like. Then we suffer enormously from trying to force the relationship to fit the stereotype and from the neurotic guilt and anger we experience when we fail to pull it off.

Genuine love is volitional rather than emotional. The person who truly loves does so because of a decision to love. This person has made a commitment to be loving whether or not the loving feeling is present. ...Conversely, it is not only possible but necessary for a loving person to avoid acting on feelings of love.

How strange that we should ordinarily feel compelled to hide our wounds when we are all wounded! Community requires the ability to expose our wounds and weaknesses to our fellow creatures. It also requires the ability to be affected by the wounds of others... But even more important is the love that arises among us when we share, both ways, our woundedness.

It is in the whole process of meeting and solving problems that life has meaning. Problems are the cutting edge that distinguishes between success and failure. Problems call forth our courage and our wisdom; indeed, they create our courage and our wisdom. It is only because of problems that we grow mentally and spiritually. It is through the pain of confronting and resolving problems that we learn.

The overall purpose of human communication is - or should be - reconciliation. It should ultimately serve to lower or remove the walls of misunderstanding which unduly separate us human beings, one from another.

When we love someone our love becomes demonstrable or real only through our exertion - through the fact that for that someone (or for ourself) we take an extra step or walk an extra mile. Love is not effortless. To the contrary, love is effortful.

Not only do self-love and love of others go hand in hand but ultimately they are indistinguishable.

Love always requires courage and involves risk.

If falling in love is not love, then what is it other than a temporary and partial collapse of ego boundaries? I do not know. But the sexual specificity of the phenomenon leads me to suspect that it is a genetically determined instinctual component of mating behavior. In other words, the temporary collapse of ego boundaries that constitutes falling in love is a stereotypic response of human beings to a configuration of internal sexual drives and external sexual stimuli, which serves to increase the probability of sexual pairing and bonding so as to enhance the survival of the species. Or to put it in another, rather crass way, falling in love is a trick that our genes pull on our otherwise perceptive mind to hoodwink or trap us into marriage. Frequently the trick goes awry one way or another, as when the sexual drives and stimuli are homosexual or when other forces-parental interference, mental illness, conflicting responsibilities or mature self-disciplinesupervene to prevent the bonding. On the other hand, without this trick, this illusory and inevitably temporary (it would not be practical were it not temporary) regression to infantile merging and omnipotence, many of us who are happily or unhappily married today would have retreated in whole- hearted terror from the realism of the marriage vows.

May 5, 2015

To Miss. Ruby Slippers,

Whoa, you should be a psychologist/therapist. You seem to understand ALOT when it come to people feelings and emotions. Do you believe in Astrology? You give me the 'Earth' sign vibe. May I ask, what is your astrology sign?

I'm a Gemini, the fiercely independent and talkative type. Gemini hate rules, they hate anyone controlled them, they strongly value independent. Sound just like me.

And I wrote this much in my post, it obviously I'm a Gemini too, LOL!

You right, alot of people also said initially my husband was sexually/physically attracted to me. Now thinking back, it kindda obvious. Because when we first met, he approached me and said "Hey Beautiful"

Like when we ran into each others at the parking lot, he always stand there and 'stare' at me, stare and stare. I got so nervous but I said 'Hi', or else he will continued to stare.

Like when he choose the public staircase closest to my apartment, sat there and wait for me so he can get a glimpse of me and asked for my number. For guy to go to that extreme, he must find the girl beautiful right? People said my husband was love struck, lol

Whenever we ran into each others, he always the first that talk to me.

He wants a handshake, and he just doesn’t let my hand go, and out of nowhere he KISS my hand. It was so quick unexpected that I don’t even have a chance to pull back my hand.

Uh.. see how physical he is? And old-fashioned for a guy his age too. Nowadays you don't see guys kiss girls hand anymore.

We married now and he still kiss my hand, he still stare at me too.

I don't have any sexy lingerie at all, never wear one in my life. I asked my husbands if he needs me wear sexy lingerie, he said 'No'.

At first I thought he just sweet talk me, but then I see that he meant it because he got turn on simply by just see me wearing his shirt while cooking. I wear his shirt, and that alone turn him on. He sure is easily turn on.

I don't think I'm beautiful because I'm just a I’m just a 4’11 Chinese girl. And I’m not thin at all. I'm curvy and chuppy.

Heck, my legs are like sheep legs and I’m short. Well, I might have a pretty face and sweet smile. But definately I don't have the model long legs, and model height.

I feel bad that my husband married a girl 4'11 height like me. But he thinks my petite height and my short legs is cute, lol

He kiss my thigh and my leg, so he must meant what he said

He was skinny when we first me 4 years ago, but then I keep on feed him Chinese food, so he gain a bit of weight, lol

My husband is 6'1 tall, but he is not muscular at all. I actually find him more on the average and thin side, because he 6'1 and he only weight 170 lbs

Is this average weight for a guy his height?

Warning, TMI ahead... sorry

I don't know if me being sexually inexperience have anything do with it. But I get kindda embarrassed and shy when it come to sex. I was embarrassed when my husband saw me naked. But then, he is the first and only guy see me naked, so I guess it normal for me to feel awkward.

We been married for 4 months already, and my husband still kiss my butt cheek. Is this normal that he still doing it?

Usually when I lay in bed, he would simply put his lips on my butt cheek and kiss. I always feel awkward about it, but after 4 months of marriage. Now I giggles and I gave him a hug.

He was so happy that I now 'enjoy' it and that I 'appreciate' his kiss.

But it just soooo awkward! I told him it embarrassing. But he said he have nothing to be embarrassed about that he kiss his wife butt cheek.

Is my husband normal? I guess it cultural difference between us.

Well partly my fault too because I have the habit of lay on my stomach when in bed, while playing on my Laptop. And when my husband walk in the bedroom see me like that, I know what he gonna do, lol

Even when we not in bed together, when he busy doing something around the house, he still walk up to to the bed and kiss my butt cheek. Naked or clothed, underwear/short on, he still like to kiss it.

When we dating, I caught him stare at my butt. But I didn't think he would go to the extreme of kissing my butt cheek everyday even after marriage.

All these things my husband did indeed are 'Physical' things, so pretty sure he sexually/physicall attracted to me. But then this is a bad thing, because if a marriage is just based on physical attraction, then what happen when I become ugly and the sexually attraction ran out? Then he will leave me for a more beautiful/more sexy girl. You know what I mean?

Uh... and sex. My husband get off/orgasm everytime we have sex, I also orgasm too. It scary how he can tell/he can feel it when I orgasm, while me sexually I'm still trying to figure out my own body.

I find it embarassing that he can tell when his wife about to orgasm. It scary how much he can see through me.

I think my husband is like ‘multi-task’ in bed. You know while getting it on down there thrusting; BUT up there he kissing my lips, face, neck, shoulders. He just like to kiss alotttttt!! And look at my facial expressions.

I guess it because I’m not loud in bed, I do make sound but I am far far from loud. So looking into my facial expressions is a way for him to get feedback, he just want to make it more pleasurable for me.

Yes, I feel pleasure during sex, and it make me feel kindda embarrassed. I don't know why, maybe because I have a cold childhood with no effections. Or perhaps I'm only 4 months into marriage, so I'm still getting used to sex.

My husband sure is very patience because some men would run for the hills when they know the girl is a virgin, let alone married to one.

I find my husband attractive sexually, I'm physically attracted to him. I do find him sexy, I get butterflies in my stomach when he stand in front of me. I still get nervous when I have sex with him. I hug him when we have sex.

I say I love you to him, I say I miss him. I do miss him alot when he work overnight. I dislike his Warehouse job, because of this second job he often works late. Arg!! But just till 2016 when we have enough saving for a house down-payment. Then he can just work his local Truck driving job, and we will have more time together alone.

He working alot right now so I see him less compared to when we dating. Back then when we dating, he only work 1 job, Now married he works 2 jobs.

Uh... I noticed I hug him alot lately. Like I mentioned, I say his name and and hug him from behind, and that lead to sex! So I try not to do that anymore knowing how easily turn on he is.

You can laugh at me but I'm a prude when it come to sex. I lost my virginity at the age of 29, that is extremely old age for Western culture.

I'm 30 this year and to be frank, I don't even know what is masturbate. I only know about it when I had access to the Internet. I saw people post in Forum about something called 'masturbate', so I look up the dictionary for the meaning of that word. That how prude I am.

I don't fantasize sexually anyone. I dont' touch myself, I'm like a nun when it come to sex.

Regarding sex, I only know it from have sex with my husband. He always take the lead in bed and I follow his lead.

Sometimes I do wonder if the things my husband do in bed, do other men out there do it too? When you sleep only with 1 guy in your whole life, you have no one else to compared. You know what I mean?

I'm indeed shy when it come to the physical sex, like performed/doing it. BUT I'm not shy when just 'talking' about sex.

Before I had sex with my husband, I talk about sex to him. Asking him what is like and dislike in sex. If he into any kinky stuff like BDSM, I also asked him about his sexual past, etc...

I want to make sure we on the same page before we have sex. I'm glad we both doesn't like kinky stuff.

I'm actually an extrovert person. I talk to everybody, I'm talkative. I always have the sunshine smile on my face. I even go out of my way to help strangers/Homeless on the street.

When I was in High school and college; I take alot of dance classes and I was in dance team, I love to dance. I have no problem with dancing on stage, in front of alot of people watching have their eyes on me.

I have no problem talking to guys. I don't get nervous in front of guys, I see them like my buddies.

I'm gonna try to explain this: With guys that I DON'T have feelings for--I'm not scare or nervous around them. They just like my brothers/my buddies, I'm never shy around them.

BUT... when it come to my husband. I get nervous when I see him. I find it hard to express my feelings to him. I know I like him but then I force myself to forget him. But his image is always there in my thoughts.

The days when he busy, and he not waiting for me outside my staircase. I wonder where he is, what he doing, etc...

I become this passive and submissive girl in front of him.

I know I can survive without him, I survive before he came into the picture. But then I need him, and I want him. It just weird like that.

Trust me, I'm a very stubborn and rebellious person. Plus being Financially independent, I feel like I don't need any man. I always do the things I want, nobody can control me.

The wanderer/carefree life was my life prior to met my husband. Can't be carefree anymore when all you care about is him. I don't even know what is wrong with me. I'm surprise with myself too.

Arg!! I need 50 post in this Forum before it give me full Forum functions access. So I need 50 post in order to use the 'Send Message' and 'Add Friends' function.

When I have 50 posts, I hope I can add you to my friend list. And if in the future when I have problem with my marriage, I hope I can send you a message to ask you for advice.

I think you make a good psychologist/therapist. Did you ever have any interest in psychology field?

And Miss. Ruby Slippers, I think you are a very Classy, educated and smart woman.

Smart women know and will chose a partner that give them and their future children 'Financial security'. In the long run, you will see the beneficial to that.

Don't settle for less, you know exactly what you want so keep going after it. Don't settle for less, because you won't be truely happy inside.

What you want in your description reply above is very common. 'Majority' of women in this world want what you want.

I just happen to be in the 'minority' one.

I noticed my problem, my problem is I'm too stubborn. I don't see anything wrong with my Financial independent lifestyle. And I have zero, zip, no intention to change it.

I'm the stupid girl when it come to love, lol

BUT I have no regret, he is an awesome husband. All the things I did for my husband, it all worth it. Sure he is not rich, but he's not dirt poor neither. Financially we live an okay life. We are in the process of struggling to buy a house, but it all worth it for our children future.

I mentioned in my first post that I'm a college dropped-out. I work a minimum wage job and I live in the hood. Yup, I'm poor but I don't cheat, I don't steal, I survived on my own working money. I am not ashamed to be poor.

BUT, I do have one insecurity. My insecurity is one day in when my husband met a ‘richer’ woman, he would leave me for her.

The richer woman that can give the luxury life, you know kindda like 'sugar mama', lol

Anyways, how is your online dating now? I bet you have alot of male co-workers, and online males fan that interest in you.

Online dating nowadays is very possible. In real life, I do know a couple whom met online. And they getting maried in June, so it happy ending for this online couple.

With today technology and computer world. It is VERY common to met your spouse online.

May I ask, do you still keep in touch with your ex-BF? The one you say it was a good catch, and it almost lead to marriage. Would you considering give him a second change if he change for better and listen to your feelings?

Do you go to the Gym often? People do meet others at the Gym too.

How about bars and clubs, do you go to bars? You can go to bars, have a drink and met people there too.

Edited May 5, 2015 by thestairs

May 6, 2015

Ms. Ruby Slippers, I want to say THANK YOU to you. Your words and advice me think ALOT and it help save my marriage. It all in my low self-worth and self-blamed, and me being over-analytical on everything.

My husband say many times that he is happy, and his actions also show that he is happy. I need to go by his words and not have so much self-doubts. Unless he showing unhappy signs, there no reason to doubt his sincerity.

I have the tendency to think that men say sweet things that they don't meant. So when my husband say he is happy, I keep thinking that he just suck it up.

I also worried that 3-5 years from now, he might resent me because of my mother discrimination against him. But he make it very loud and clear that he doesn't care what my mother say. Seem like he doesn't even remember anything regarding my mother discrimination unless I brough up the topic. So if I don't brought up the subject about my mother, it never seem to come across his mind.

My mother never once met my husband, and she refused to met him this lifetime. So they never come cross path, it shoudln't have that much impact on him right? And my mom live more than 1 hour drive by car away from us too.

So heck, what am I scare of? In every marriage there always a possibility of divorce, nobody know the future. Instead ofworries about things that haven't come yet, why not live in the present? We married, he is my husband and he not going anywhere.

I'm 30, he is 29, we both are Single/Unmarried with No kids. This is first marriage for both of us.

MORALLY we can be togther, BUT my mom make it seem like I commit the world biggest sin to be with him.

She calls me 'Dirty' and all kinds of names for dating him, for sleeping in the same bed with him, for married him.

But I didn't care, I married him anyways. BUT then seem like subconsiciously; my mother words still means alot to me because it hurts and it still bothering me.

Everybody think my marriage going to fail. Well perhaps they right, only time can tell.

My husband doesn't seem to care any negativity.

His attitude always is: ‘As long as we together, this will give him strength to go against the whole world’. It was pretty much him against the world, and still is him trying to make up for the emotions that I lack in this marriage.

Maybe I should go with the plan, TTC in 2016 and have a baby with him. A marriage can end up in divorce, marriage doesn't always means forever.

My husband think what important is two people COMMITMENT to each others in a marriage. He wants a baby so it doesn't sound like he looking for way out. Because a baby will just future tied us down together, it will forever be the fact that he is the father of the baby.

In the future if he leaves, he might be my ex-husband. But the baby will always be his kid, baby won't become ex-baby, lol

Well, we still married so eventually we going to have kids. I hope he won't regrets it one day. Because once we have kids, it going to be too late for my husband to regret.

--------------

I think I'm blessed, despite my messed-up childhood.

One of my best friend right now whom I know since school days. She been dating this boyfriend of her for many years, they live togther. He got sex from her, he got a woman and a home without the commitment of marriage. She loves him alot, she wants to married but he keep giving her excuses, blah blah...

Like he not ready, like they not making enough money. But they both have Masters degree and have good jobs, so I think he just giving an excuse to not married her.

Her boyfriend also doesn't want a baby, she on BCP and he still wore condom to be extra safe. He likes the pleasure of sex but doesn't want a baby from it.

My best friend argue with her BF alot! And she cries to the point of bawling on the floor. And he still doesn't care. He said she cries too much. He just won't married her doesnt' matter how much she cries.

I feel sooooo sad for my best friend. She loves him alot alot but he just won't married her. If I was in her situation, I would leave that jerk a long time ago.

When we met up and have girls talk. She keeps ask me how is marriage, and I just say 'good'. I avoid telling her that my husband doting on me, because it will make her feel bad about her relationship situation, and she will cries again.

I hope one day she wake up and realized that her boyfriend not ready to married, and he just won't married her. She needs to stop bawling on the floor crying because it that is an insult to herself.

No way I will ever do that, it just not me. My principles is too high, and I love myself too much. I might have low self-worth, but my EGO is too too high.

Edited May 6, 2015 by thestairs

May 6, 2015

Thank you for the compliment! At times when I get fed up with working all the time on my business, and frustrated because I always need more money to expand and improve it, I think about leaving this behind and starting all over with a brand new career. I've seriously considered being a counselor/psychologist. People are always telling me their problems, worries, fears, long-buried pain, and asking for my advice. My friends and family, even perfect strangers will come right up to me in a bar like I'm some kind of oracle and ask if they can get my advice on a problem they're having. I usually say yes, and then they pour out this long, emotional story. I give them a simple answer and some encouragement, and usually I can see a light come on in their eyes. I enjoy it.

And even in my business, I'm a sort of counselor, because I advise people on how to improve their own businesses. And the clients who like me best and pay the most, most of them spend at least 25% of our working time just venting and talking to me about their frustrations. One of my clients often complains to me about how overworked he is. I relate because I work a lot, too. I tell him I understand, and remind him there's more to life than work, and in his last days, he won't wish that he spent more time working. When he calls me, he's always frustrated and sounds rushed and irritated. By the end of the phone call, he's calm and laughing.

I love astrology! I'm water sign Cancer. Mother of the zodiac, feeler, nurturer, healer, the ultimate creative sign, the most complex and hard to understand. Emotional and loving, imaginative, very intuitive, caring. Also very moody, like the ocean subject to the tidal influence of the moon. And it's true for me. The full moon always brings forth this wave of emotion and creativity for me. I just come alive.

The earth energy you are picking up on is my Virgo rising Your rising sign is what you project to the world. It's the face you show. In a sense, it's the qualities in yourself that you aspire to keep at the front of your being. Virgos are extreme perfectionists, seeking the highest ideals in all things, the hardest workers of the zodiac, the ones that will toil endlessly to manifest good things on earth for the benefit of all. Virgos want to be of service, to make the world better with their contributions and work. Extremely meticulous, reliable, analytical, honest. Also fussy, prone to worry and lots of overthinking. Guilty as charged! But I've mellowed out a LOT over time.

I can totally see the Gemini! I always seem to click well with Geminis, and y'all are hilarious. Always funny, talkative, lively, and sexy! What is your husband's sign?

Yes, I think it's very obvious that your husband was lovestruck and is still totally devoted to you

As for you being short and curvy... while it's a generalization, I've always heard from black men that they tend to prefer "thick" women, especially women with a little more on their butts and legs. With your husband kissing your butt all the time, I have a feeling he agrees with the majority on that point!

Mmmm, can you send me some Chinese recipes?

I don't think it's a bad thing that your husband is so attracted to you. On the contrary! I think most men fall in love with a woman's beauty first, then other qualities later. If he doesn't think you're beautiful or at least cute, he's not going to bother getting to know anything else about you.

Yes, I think most women worry to some extent that their man might leave them for a younger woman someday. But I think that a woman in a relationship like yours is the least likely to experience this. I think when a man falls in love with you, he holds on to the memory of how beautiful you were to him when he fell for you. Even through the physical changes that age brings, on some level he still sees you as he first saw you.

And your husband obviously loves you for more than your looks. If he didn't, he wouldn't kiss your hands when you serve him dinner late at night, wouldn't work so hard for a secure life for your future kids, wouldn't be so good to you. These are primal, almost animal things he's doing to show you his devotion. This stuff wouldn't be easy to fake.

Gemini is an air sign, known to be restless and somewhat inclined to try to "float away" from a big commitment like marriage. Read more about Gemini. I love Linda Goodman's descriptions of the signs.

Sure, you can message me if you have problems!

I haven't met anyone interesting on the dating site lately, except one guy who lives in another state and is moving to mine later this year. BUT the good news is that I just made a new girl friend, and we are going out this weekend! I moved almost a year ago and still hadn't met a female friend that I really clicked with - but she might fit the bill. She helped me with a project today, and we yammered on talking about everything under the sun

the whole time. She comes from a background that's more difficult than mine, and she's on exactly the same wavelength that I am - focusing on rising above the limiting patterns from the past. We've already made plans to go shopping for going-out clothes and be workout buddies, and we're giving each other input on girlie things like hair, nails, clothes. It's so fun! I think we both were feeling like it was really time to find a girl friend, and then we met and immediately clicked.

May I ask, do you still keep in touch with your ex-BF? The one you say it was a good catch, and it almost lead to marriage. Would you considering give him a second change if he change for better and listen to your feelings?

No, I don't. And we already had two chances. He contacted me after our second breakup and hinted that he wanted a third chance. It was tempting, because I loved him and in some way still do and always will. Cupid's arrow hit me right in the heart and exploded into a million stars the moment I met him, and it doesn't matter what he did, that feeling never went away. When he came to see me again to talk about the second chance, as soon as I looked into his eyes I just fell for him all over again. But he didn't treat me right. I never really felt loved and appreciated by him. For as sad as I think it is, I just don't know if I can be friends with him. I told him not long after he got back in touch that I needed to stop talking and texting because I needed to get on with my life. Every time I heard from him, I'd just miss him all over again and start dreaming about him for the whole next week. I told him he could call me if there was an emergency or he really needed someone to talk to.

But that's also just my personality. An ex-boyfriend always haunts me pretty strongly, until I meet someone new. It's harder this time because I'm being more selective than ever. So he's the last man I did anything with, even kiss. But I'm hoping my dating life will get more fun and inspiring now that I have a girl friend to go out with. She's kind of a wild child like me We both love music, singing, dancing, both very expressive and fun. I think we're going to attract a lot of attention from sexy men and have a blast this weekend

Ms. Ruby Slippers, I want to say THANK YOU to you. Your words and advice me think ALOT and it help save my marriage. It all in my low self-worth and self-blamed, and me being over-analytical on everything.

You're welcome! I'm enjoying this thread, too

BUT then seem like subconsiciously; my mother words still means alot to me because it hurts and it still bothering me.

I understand that. I've come a long way in mending my bad feelings toward my dad and getting along with him much better. But he still does and says things sometimes that hurt. The good thing is that now, it usually only takes me a few hours, maybe a day, to arrive at a place of understanding and peace about his behavior, all within myself.

I bet deep down your mother is jealous that you have a man who really loves you and treats you right. You're doing way better than her in love. She probably hasn't been loved much in her life. Her parents married her off in the typical fashion. Your father played his role. She's pushed you and maybe your brother away with all her bitterness and anger. It's hard to imagine that she has much happiness in her life. So she's projecting all the ugliness inside her onto you and everybody else. She must be very unhappy.

May 6, 2015

Thank you for your precious time to reply and talk to me in this thread of mine. I know my English grammars is terrible to read, all the tenses are messed up. English is not my native language so please forgive me.

You are very patience in order to read through my long post. You are a very nice and kind woman, God bless you Ms. Ruby Slippers

Astrology said Gemini [Are fiercely Independent. Value freedom more than anything else and would hate it to be pinned down by anyone or any rules.]

This is VERY accurate for me. My whole life I fight for freedom and independent. Well, I don't think it have much to do with astrology, it more because of my childhood circumstances. I just want to break free, to NOT live the life that I saw my mother live in.

Now I'm not saying 'all' arranged-marriage turn out bad. There are good ending arranged marriage out there. I know arranged-marriage sound strange to Westerners, but it very normal in a country like China.

I do feel sad for my mom, she doesn't even have one date with my dad. She doesn't even know him, her parents just married her off. She raised me from the little world 'she' knows, and she wants to matchmaker/arranged-marriage for me too. No way I will let that happened to me.

Gemini [Have scatter brain], this is accurate for me. I'm like multi-tasked. I'm often curious about everything, I have tons of questions going through my brain at once.

I wonder all kinds of things. I over analyze things, you can see from how much I dissect my own husband. I think I rip him up and dissect everything he do, poor guy.

Gemini [Talkative/"Master of communication", friendly], this is also accurate. Heck, I wrote so much in my reply, lol

In real life, I like to tallk to everyone, from strangers to homeless people, to little kids. I make friends with everybody. I'm too friendly, sometimes it mistake as I'm interested in them.

When I first know my husband, there times that I accidently lead him on due to this Gemini talkative/friendly traits of mine.

Oh, and you know why I'm afraid of love so much, part of it is the Aquarius in my chart. Aquarius love freedom. And Aquarius is well known to be the 'ALOOF in love' sign. It not that I don't love my husband, it that I don't know how to love him the 'passionate' way.

It not good when you have both Gemini and Aquarius in your chart. These signs are well known to be signs that 'RUN away from love', lol

And I also have Sagittarius in my chart too, and Sagittarius are well known to be "Bachelor at heart", all these placements are bad for my love life.

---------------------------------------

I don't think anyone could have guess correct my husband sign. He is a Libra but he act NOTHING like his zodiac sign Libra.

The only 2 things that matches his sign is his charming good looks, and his Level-headed. He always think two sides of the issue, and he is a very fair person. It extremely hard to flip off his balance scale. However, he does get sensitive and unbalance when it come to his love ones.

Libra men have bad reputation when it come to women because astrology say they can't commit, they are indecisive, they are prone to cheating, etc...

The classic Libra trait 'Indecisive' is very inaccurate to my husband. Because my husband is very Decisive; he made up his mind quick like lightning, even to the point of impulsive. He always know what he wants in life, from his jobs to married. He chase after what he wants, and he doesn't give up.. Libra do tends to give up easily, but my husband wont' give up until he achieved his goal.

Libra sure doesn't like to chase, they like to be chased.

Scorpio love to chase and they chase hard, and my husband sure chase hard.

My husband have no problem with commitment. He faithful to his jobs and faithful to his love one. He is not romantic at all, but Libra are know to rule romance.

Astrology also say Libra love attention, love beauty, love money. This is true for others Libra men that I know.

BUT my husband is the opposite of that. He hates to be center of attention, he is a down-to-earth guy. He work for survival, to secure his life and his future, NOT because he's a slave for money.

Libra love space and need space. But my husband likes to be tied down, a baby for sure will just tied him down to be a 'father' for the rest of his life.

Astrology wise, I think my husband is very Scorpio. His mom probably born him a month early so he falls under Libra sign, lol

The things he do is just very Scorpio, only Scorpio would do. Scorpio are well know to be possessive and protective of their love one. That is how my husband is, he very protective of his family and me.

And the way he chase me is very Scorpio too. Like when he choose the public staircase that closest to my apartment, quietly sit there and wait for me. This is a classic Scorpio trait!... NO Libra, repeated NO Libra do this kind of extreme stuff, lol

Scorpio are know to be very faithful once they commit. My husband so far is faithful, there zero sign of him cheating.

Oh, and the stares. This is sooo Scorpio trait, they are know to be observant. My husband love to stares at me back then, and still does.

Scorpio rule sex. He definately better when it come to sex than compare to romance. He pretty clueless when it come to the romantic department.

Libra is NOT the love extreme sign. Scorpio is the love extreme sign, and pretty much all the things my husband is pretty extreme.

Talking astrology, I would be more secure if my husband is a Scorpio instead of a Libra. I'm insecure when it come to Libra men, there is a long list of negative traits about them when it come to love and commitment, lol

My husband does NOT believe in astrology. He thinks astrology is just fun and entertainment only. He just won't believe in astrology.

Sometimes I complain to him Libra this Libra that, blah blah.. and he just laugh it off every single time.

Did it ever cross your mind that my husband would be a Libra sign? Probably not right?

I'm his wife and I don't feel much of the Libra vibe in him.

Do you know any Libra men? How are they? Are they like my husband? Maybe a Libra from the hood is different than the Libra who are middle class/upper class.

You know what astrology say is one thing. BUT it is the person childhood, life experience is what shaped up their personality and views in life.

I give an example: A Libra who born with a silver spoon in their mouth. Compared to a Libra like my husband who have a rough childhood and struggle in life.

Eventhough they both are Libra sign, but I'm willing to bet that they do NOT have the same personality. Simply because they grow up in two different world, and experience two different things.

Oh, you know there alot, repeated ALOT of Black men adore White women right? Many Black men are married to White women too. The statistics show it all, alotttttt of Black-White couple. But very very RARE you see a Black-Asian couple.

It understandable why Black men adore White women, because White women are classy and beautiful. If I was a man, I would love White women too.

Do you have a preference on ethnicity in your dating choices? I'm sure ALOT of Black men would love to date you.

When I keyword search Black men White women, it come up with this this Forum White Women Black Men Forum

Alot of Black men in there is declaring their love for White women.

I think my husband hit head in his childhood or something, lol

He likes Asian girls, well more like Korean girls. He have an obsession and crazy for Korean girls. His first love was a Korean girl. I don't think he can ever forget her, I'm sure he still have a spot in his heart for her. He always have soft spot for Korean girls.

But he married me and I'm Chinese. One time, I asked who he loves more, me or that Korean girl first love of his? He calls me silly; and said of course he loves me more, that why he married me.

BUT Nahh ah, I don't believe his sweet words. I'm still jealous of her. So all those tall and sexy/curvy Korean girls, stay away from my husband, LOL!

Sometimes I feel that my husband is in the 'minority' in all the Black men. I don't know if this have anything with it, but it probably explained why he different. He is a "Left-handed" guy. I heard not much Left-handed man out there.

He write with his Left hand, everything he do is with his Left hand. He wear his wedding band ring on his left hand, and his wedding ring just look wore out because he do everything with the left hand.

Maybe a Left-handed Libra like him is different than the common Right-handed Libra.. Arg!! see now I am dissecting my husband again.

It sad too that we married and on our finger, all we have is our cheap and simple matching plain wedding band.

There Black who are light skin to brown to dark skin color. But my husband is Not the light skin Black, he is the dark chocolate skin color. He darker than most Black out there. He sure got alot of stereotypes. He experienced it alot so he wasn't surprise at all when my mom didn't like him.

Regards my mom, she just plain out 'ignorance'. Her most ridiculous thing she say about him is he's Black, so his blood must be black too. I was SHOCK when I heard my mom said that. See how ignorance she is?

BUT please excuse my mom. She married my dad at a young age, and in China she didn't have the education. All her life she stay at home to take care of children. And when we immigrant to USA, all she know is her Asian community that she live in.

I try to tell her that my husband treats me really well, BUT she never want to hear about it. As soon as I try to bring up any topic about him, she shot me down.

She will not met him, she doesn't want to know anything related to him. It very clear that my mom made up her mind.

What a coincident that you a Cancer too, my best friend is also a Cancer. The best friend that I mentioned above in my reply about her boyfriend just won't married her. She love love her boyfriend so much, but he just won't propose or married her. She cries alot for him, she phone me and cries on the phone too. I think she will go insane if he dump her. I'm worry about her because she just blindly in love.

Blindly in love is just soo NOT me. I have the tendency of being over-analytical, analyze too much to the point to confusion.

Do Cancer often like to cries? My best friend is a Cancer and she cries and cries over love.

I'm a Gemini and I never cry over love. I admit I DO cried over my mother, but I never cry over my husband. But then he such a doting husband, there nothing for me to cry about. I wonder if I cry if my husband divorce me? Perhaps my 'Ego' is too high that no tears come out.

Ms. Ruby Slippers, so nice and kind heart, just like your Cancer sign. I don't know what state you at, but I'm in California. Too bad that we far away, or else I would love to hang out with you.

Anyone would be luck to my your friend. Anyone would be VERY lucky to me your boyfriend/husband.

Have alot of fun in the weekend with your new girlfriend.

I come across your "THANKFUL" thread. I think it such a positive and good thread, remind us what we grateful for in our lives. Update us in the thread if you met any sexy guy in the weekend okay. Who knows, maybe you will met your other half this weekend.

Edited May 6, 2015 by thestairs

May 7, 2015

Hey, sweetie. You're more than welcome. You seem to be a kindred spirit, and it's fun to chat with you here I also wish you lived close so we could hang out. God bless you, too!

Yes, it sounds like you do have a lot of air in your chart, and that means you tend to be very cerebral about love, more like you're floating above it than rolling around in it. That's just your nature. Don't fight it. Enjoy it for what it is! Now water sign me, I swim around in it! I dive into its stormy depths, float around on the waves, soak it into my skin, become one with it You're like the seagull flying free above the ocean of love, skimming it with your wingtips, splashing in the surf. Nothing wrong with that. Your wings don't work as well when they're wet!

And your Libra man is also an air sign. So you two are a perfect astro match! One of my good friends is a Libra, and she loooooves partners who are very attached to their freedom and resist commitment. If her partner is too sweet and stable, she gets bored. So I bet your husband actually loves the things about you that you think are a problem. They keep him interested and excited. My friend used to be kind of a player. She will not commit until she finds a very good match, and then she will be loyal.

I know a couple of Libra men. They are usually very charming, well-spoken, diplomatic, great with people, well-dressed, romantic, sweet, and sometimes a bit flighty.

Black men rarely approach me now that I live in the South again, where people tend to be more racist. They message me on the dating site, but they're often too sexually flirtatious. But that's the same for all men on the dating site. I am open to dating any ethnicity and don't have a preference. I've realized lately that I think Arab/Middle Eastern men are HOOOTTT. And the ones I meet are often highly educated, smart, extremely hard-working, sexy, very MANLY! But they're usually Muslim and often have ideas about women and how they should be submissive, so a lot of them are not appealing to me because of that mentality.

My dad would probably not approve of me marrying a black man because he's kind of racist. I say kind of because he has good friends who are black, and he treats them like family - but he makes racist comments sometimes. He's old and Southern, narrow-minded in some ways. I think those beliefs will die out with him and the rest of his generation when their time is through. I wouldn't let his opinions stop me from dating whomever I wanted to. I just know that I would probably get some crap from him. Maybe black men don't approach me much because they know it could be more complicated. They check me out, flirt, act sweet to me, but rarely if ever approach me and ask me out.

I try to tell her that my husband treats me really well, BUT she never want to hear about it. As soon as I try to bring up any topic about him, she shot me down.
She will not met him, she doesn't want to know anything related to him. It very clear that my mom made up her mind.

I bet she doesn't want to hear how much better you have it in love than she ever did. I tell my mom about how my boyfriends cook for me, give me massages, do sweet things for me, and she seems impressed and happy for me. My dad doesn't do any of that stuff! But I get the feeling your mom is angry and jealous that you get real love, while she was always stuck in this empty agreement. You escaped the cage and found your own happiness in the wild. But she probably feels she's stuck in that gilded cage forever.

Blindly in love is not me, either. No way. Sure, I have very strong emotions, but I don't waste my time, energy, and love on anybody who doesn't treat me with respect and treasure me. I'm very sensitive and cannot abide being taken for granted, treated poorly, strung along.

My dad told a friend of his recently (a friend who was being flirty with me in front of him) that if a man is going to be with me, he's got to "walk the line" (like the Johnny Cash song). He's right! I don't take any crap from anybody. I'd rather be single, free, and happy on my own than take crap from some lame guy.

What is really fun for me about dating right now is that now I feel a lot stronger and a little more financially secure, so I see through all the BS and really evaluate men as I see them. I'm going on a third date tomorrow night (drinks and dancing, woo!) with an engineer. He sent me a picture of his swimming pool in the backyard, and it's huge and looks like this magical tropical oasis. I am DYING to jump into a swimming pool right now, but I told him I'm only coming over once I get to know him better. I'm not interested in being anybody's pool playmate. I mean, I kind of am, because I haven't even kissed anybody in a YEAR AND A HALF! lol But I'm not going to be lured by less than the WHOLE ENCHILADA. He already said he wants me to be his girlfriend and is talking about all the things he wants us to do together. He seems very interested, but maybe he's just saying all that to try to get lucky. So I'll get to know him better and see if he's genuine. But I'm not sure. I get the impression he's mostly had a lot of casual relationships and is now looking for a baby mama and little wifey. That's not necessarily a bad thing if he's actually ready for that and isn't going to try to keep the playboy lifestyle going. I'll have to get to know him better and see if he passes all my tests

In any case, it's gonna be fun to go out and get a little crazy this weekend. I've been so responsible and nun-like. Time to set the wild girl free again

Still have internal conflicts inside myself. Is this 'Normal' given my background?

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