Ex asked me out for coffee and then canceled??

[Sunshine89]

My ex and I dated for 6 amazing years. We had our struggles, but I always believed that as long as we were open, honest and communicated with eachother we could overcome anything that came our way. About a month ago, my ex let me know they felt differently. Over the course of the past month, we spoke off and on, and eventually met for coffee to exchange our stuff. We had a REALLY great time and a couple days later they contacted me and asked if I'd like to do it again the following week...I of course said yes! But the day we planned to meet, they canceled on me, and haven't initiated contact since. If I text, they won't answer. The only time I get an answer is via Facebook message (I'm assuming because it let's you know if someone has read your message). So, what gives? We had a great time and we both seemed so excited to meet again. Does anyone have any insights or ideas? I'm completely at a loss and really bummed

[Ruby65]

Who are "they"? Were you dating more than one person?

 

 

In any case, you should just let "them" have some time to figure out what "they" want to do and don't initiate any contact with "them."

 

If "they" ever change "their" minds, "they" will let you know! No mixed messages, no cancellations.

 

In the meantime, make sure to block "them" online and stop making yourself so convenient.

[Mrlonelyone]

Who are "they"? Were you dating more than one person?

 

 

In any case, you should just let "them" have some time to figure out what "they" want to do and don't initiate any contact with "them."

 

If "they" ever change "their" minds, "they" will let you know! No mixed messages, no cancellations.

 

In the meantime, make sure to block "them" online and stop making yourself so convenient.

 

Ruby, some people like to use "they" as a gender neutral pronoun for various reasons. There is no need for the scare quotes.

[Ruby65]

Ruby, some people like to use "they" as a gender neutral pronoun for various reasons. There is no need for the scare quotes.

 

Thanks for sharing!

 

Maybe OP can explain why the gender neutral pronoun is so necessary, as it makes responding more awkward when unable to write "he" or "she."

 

[Mrlonelyone]

My short answer is I am in s similar situation in some respects. I am using the no contact rule to either get them back or get on with life.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/366654-caliguy-no-contact-guide-updated

 

Why might he arrange to meet for coffee and then flake out? God knows. There are two extreme possibilities.

 

He was just having some fun on the phone and really did not mean to meet you in person at all. Afterall, I am told, people never simply mean what they say. There are people like that in the world

 

 

OR just as likely

 

 

He got cold feet about meeting you because he does want you. Because he wants you back the idea of meeting you scares him in case you aren't feeling it.

 

 

In either case Sunshine89, The key to getting an ex back is judicious use of the no contact rule.

 

No Contact (NC), Do not initiate contact by any means. Delete him, and anyone related to him that you don't have a significant relationship with, off your friends list(s). If you feel like you can't stop yourself from messaging him then block him.

 

Then get on with your life.

 

The idea of NC is to give you time and space to heal and to be more objective about the relationship. Meanwhile let the Ex Dumper feel the sting of you not being there in their life.

 

 

Wait for a phone call, phone message, email, or even a letter. Make them reach out to you directly. Social media is ripe for manipulation and confusion so cut that cord between you.

 

 

He dumped you, meaning he has to do the work to get you back. Either you mean enough for him to reach out in a clear way, and for him to follow through, or you do not.

[Sunshine89]

Thanks for sharing!

 

Maybe OP can explain why the gender neutral pronoun is so necessary, as it makes responding more awkward when unable to write "he" or "she."

 

 

I apologize for making things awkward, I simply didn't want to specify their gender. Does it matter if it's a boy or a girl? This is my first ever post, so I don't know all the forum etiquette yet

[Ruby65]

Sure, gender plays a big role in figuring out why a 6 year relationship doesn't work out and what dynamics are going on now!

 

If you're a guy, for example, and this is a heterosexual relationship, I'd ask what your ages are and why you never proposed in 6 years together? I'd ask, do you think your ex wanted marriage and kids and was worried about her biological clock?

 

If you're a woman, and this is a heterosexual relationship, I'd ask different questions. If this is a same sex relationship, other questions.

 

One thing that doesn't change, however, regardless of age, gender or sexual orientation, and that's this:

 

NC is not encouraged here as a way to get your ex back.

 

It's meant as a way to heal, that's all. It's for YOU and you alone.

 

In general, when someone wants you back, they'll come out and say it. They won't risk losing you with mixed messages. So I'd disagree with the above advice and encourage you to go NC for good.

 

If you want to reconcile and think he/she may still be interested, you should be in contact with them to get your answers. But usually, by the time people are posting about their relationships on sites like these, they've already tried everything they can think of to make a reconciliation happen.

 

You can't lose by choosing the path of No Contact and healing.

 

And IF he/she ever changes his/her mind, they'll do all the work to make it happen -- no mixed messages about it!

[Mrlonelyone]

I apologize for making things awkward, I simply didn't want to specify their gender. Does it matter if it's a boy or a girl? This is my first ever post, so I don't know all the forum etiquette yet

For some people it does. Not to me but I am genderqueer and my love interest are too.

 

I'd rather havemore info about both of you rather than gender rate bared assumptions.

 

One things true of all genders and Cultures. People value things that are hard to get. If you come every time he calls he or she we'll take you for granted. Use NC correctly and it can get your ex back.

 

Go NC, be less available, and if he likes you he won't leave you alone for long.

 

That is not just my opinion. The most accepted NC guide says....

 

Q. I've been on NC for some time and my Ex just contacted me, what do I do?

A. The question is: Why are they contacting you?

If it's just to get something back, box up their stuff and have a friend give it to them.

 

Otherwise, there's no need to reply. No matter what, don't contact them back right away. Don't answer if they call. Show them you have a life and you don't need them in it. Yes, it's kind of a game but at this juncture, it's a necessary evil. I know a lot of people might disagree, but first of all, I would want to know why the ex is contacting me. If they are having doubts, they will make it clear. If you respond to them, be sure to take a day or two to do so. This will give you time to think clearly about what you want to say. When you reply, make sure that it's polite and to the point. Don't make any small talk. Don't bring up the past (big no-no). Don't volunteer any information about yourself. Be the first to end the conversation. Do be happy, do smile inside (CBT) and know that you'll be fine. Trust me, if your ex wants you back nothing will stop them from getting in touch with you. And this is ideally what you want. You want them to initiate the contact because it will be their heart that has changed.

 

If they really want you back, then you have to listen out for the apology. The complete 180.

"I'm really sorry for what I did. I don't know why I did it, but all I know, is that it was the most stupid thing I've ever done. I want to try again, and will do whatever it takes to make it up to you, prove I'm deadly serious, and regain your trust. Please, can you find it in your heart to try again?"

Anything other than this - any small talk, any "so how are you?"s, any tentative chit-chat - is just breadcrumbs. Mostly, to appease their own guilt, make them feel better, and confirm that they can still yank your chain.

 

The only thing you should actually ever respond to is a clear and absolutely unequivocal signal, from them that they desperately love you and would do anything to be able to try again.

Anything - ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING - else - is just a way of chatting with you and keeping you simmering on a back-boiler until you are roasted, broiled, cooked, done, shredded, dried out and falling off the bone.

 

Remember: The question is NEVER "Why are they doing *this* or why have they said *that*?

The question is always, but ALWAYS:

"What do I do now?"

And the answer to that, is to not try to head-read, or second-guess. It's to keep on doing what you're doing. Ignore it, and stay in NC.

Edited April 30, 2015 by Mrlonelyone

[Lion Heart]

My ex and I dated for 6 amazing years. We had our struggles, but I always believed that as long as we were open, honest and communicated with eachother we could overcome anything that came our way. About a month ago, my ex let me know they felt differently. Over the course of the past month, we spoke off and on, and eventually met for coffee to exchange our stuff. We had a REALLY great time and a couple days later they contacted me and asked if I'd like to do it again the following week...I of course said yes! But the day we planned to meet, they canceled on me, and haven't initiated contact since. If I text, they won't answer. The only time I get an answer is via Facebook message (I'm assuming because it let's you know if someone has read your message). So, what gives? We had a great time and we both seemed so excited to meet again. Does anyone have any insights or ideas? I'm completely at a loss and really bummed

 

Sunshine prepare yourself, I'm gonna be direct and only because you deserve FAR better than this crap.

 

You need to remember why your ex asked to meet you. It's in your thread starter. "we eventually met for coffee to exchange some stuff". That's why you met. To exchange some stuff.

 

OFCOURSE YOU had a really great time, darling you're heartbroken and desperate to reconcile. Unless you do no sex before M, having coffee with your ex does not sound like a really great time to me!

 

Not responding to texts???? Very very rude unless. ... he's trying to tell you without actually telling you he's not that into you anymore. In fact breaking up a pretty good 6y relationship is ALSO telling you without a doubt that he's so not into you that he dumped you. I know it hurts like he** believe me, I know! But would YOU ever have done that to him?????

No, because you loved him.

 

You really need to get 100% out of his life. I mean utterly and completely OUT of his life. The very least you are showing him is what life's like within you.

 

Exbf behaviour sounds very much like a man who's met someone else. Yeah I see affairs in every shop front now!

 

You don't just need to imagine he's moved on, he ACTUALLY has! Even if it's not to OW but he axed this relationship.

 

You will be in NO DOUBT WHATSOEVER when a guy is totally into you and he's never gonna wait 6y before proposing. He'll be popping the question by end of 1st year and it's you who's gonna make him wait another year, just to observe his character.

 

IMO if any ex just wants to hang out as friends (which usually means FWB) then it's only because THEY are lonely and you're still in love with them, so they can. Don't ever allow this lowest type of using happen to you. Never allow yourself to be SO lonely that kibbles are enough because they aren't for long.

 

Best wishes sweetheart. You sound like a great girl and some man / men even are out there looking for you. Keep busy. Follow NC to the letter. Enjoy your life. It's monumentally difficult right now but it does get easier.

 

Lion Heart.

[sandylee1]

My ex and I dated for 6 amazing years. We had our struggles, but I always believed that as long as we were open, honest and communicated with eachother we could overcome anything that came our way. About a month ago, my ex let me know they felt differently. Over the course of the past month, we spoke off and on, and eventually met for coffee to exchange our stuff. We had a REALLY great time and a couple days later they contacted me and asked if I'd like to do it again the following week...I of course said yes! But the day we planned to meet, they canceled on me, and haven't initiated contact since. If I text, they won't answer. The only time I get an answer is via Facebook message (I'm assuming because it let's you know if someone has read your message). So, what gives? We had a great time and we both seemed so excited to meet again. Does anyone have any insights or ideas? I'm completely at a loss and really bummed

 

Your ex doesn't think going for coffee or meeting up after exchanging stuff is a good idea. Could be because they don't want you to get any ideas of a reconciliation.

 

Stop texting and invest time in yourself. Keep busy with a hobby or anything to stop thinking about your ex. It doesn't matter about the gender, my advice is the same regardless.