Girlfriend Going Clubbing for First Time

[forest97]

Well i know i get worried and jealous really easily, but she is going out this Saturday with her girlfriends and this one guy who's birthday it is on Friday. (Her birthday was last Saturday whilst she was away.) I was just wondering what clubbing is really like? I have to wait a few weeks until i can, which she is coming out for?

 

Obviously i've seen films and tv that show its just guys trying to hit on girls, and to be honest i think if she was sober she would say no, but with the effects of alcohol then could she control what she does? She says she is getting "smashed" and that really doesn't sound good to be honest. I want her to enjoy herself, but am worried that the drink will invite guys over and she will find it hard to say no.

 

Also she is going to a house party before which she is going to drink a lot even before she goes out, heard somebody was brining weed also...

 

Should i say anything to her about this, we have kind of talked about this before, and she said she never would and i shouldn't worry but still

[I_Give_Up67]

How old are the both of you again? Are you reasonably satisfied that she behaved on her two week holiday?

[forest97]

How old are the both of you again? Are you reasonably satisfied that she behaved on her two week holiday?

 

Well i'm 17 and she is now 18 (which is old enough to drink in the UK) so was just a bit worried, because she really is a lightweight and if she wants to get "smashed" then this cannot end well can it?

 

I think she did, spent the day with her yesterday and went for her birthday meal and she seemed to miss me and enjoyed seeing me, although i will never know what happened, i believe her that nothing happened!

[I_Give_Up67]

You both are so young.

 

 

My best advice to you, speaking man to man, is just enjoy her companionship for as long as you can. You cannot control her actions or behavior. She is going to do what she wants, regardless of how much you love her. She has reached the age of wanting to party and explore a bit, which is completely normal for her age. If you try to prevent her from having fun and partying, she may build resentment against you. As a young man, you will eventually experience heartbreak.

 

You are not her babysitter, and you can't be with her 24/7. So you have couple of choices:

 

1. You can place your full trust in her and go with the flow.

 

2. You can continue to stress and worry about her every single actions

 

 

Just relax and try not to worry so much about loosing her, If she gets drunk and puts herself in a position to cheat, then she was not a good girlfriend to start with. But in the meanwhile, just continue to enjoy her as your girlfriend for as long as you can,

[Penguin_hugs]

I agree with the above.

 

You need to relax and trust her.

 

Clubs aren't everything you see on tv! I was 20 before anyone ever came up to me in a club to ask if I wanted a drink (but that was the first time I'd just gone out with female friends- not a mixture). It's just a larger version of a school disco- but you can't hear anyone and there is alcohol involved! She needs to experience it though to decide if she likes it or not.

 

Just say to her "I hope you have a good time, keep safe and a good night text to let me know you are home safe would be nice" (but don't get hung up on it if you don't hear from her- she may have just forgotten).

 

In my opinion alcohol just accentuates people's feelings- it doesn't "make" them do something out of the blue. So people claiming alcohol made them cheat is a poor excuse.

[veggirl]

If your gf is outgoing and pretty and likes to party then yes she will be hit on, will likely hit on others and will be dancing / flirting / drinking with strangers. She's a TEENAGER, planning on getting lit....I mean she already told you that! Kissing on the dance floor is VERY common among drunk young clubbers, she'll be dirty dancing with guys, they will go in for a kiss and if she is drunk and horny, she might give in. As far as taking a guy home...to WHERE? Don't teenagers live with their parents?

[SoulCat]

Forest, you have been fretting over this girl for the past fortnight while she was away on her school trip.

 

 

Now she's back and you've found new reasons to get yourself all worked up.

 

 

As far as I can see she is doing nothing out of the ordinary for someone her age. She hangs out with her mates - yes even with the 'hot' guy. She posts pictures of her doing so on Facebook and Instagram.

She wants to go clubbing and get smashed. She's going to a party where someone may or may not bring weed.

 

This is all perfectly normal teenage stuff.

 

I am guessing she is your first 'serious' girlfriend but your insecurities, clingy behaviour and constant worry about her every move are not healthy.

 

 

You cannot control what she does, and neither should you feel the need to.

[PegNosePete]

this cannot end well can it?

No, it probably won't end well.

 

But there's not really much you can do about it in advance. She has to make her own decisions. All you can do is wish her a safe and good time and then see how she handles it. If she cheats then you dump her. If she doesn't then you live happily ever after.

[forest97]

If your gf is outgoing and pretty and likes to party then yes she will be hit on, will likely hit on others and will be dancing / flirting / drinking with strangers. She's a TEENAGER, planning on getting lit....I mean she already told you that! Kissing on the dance floor is VERY common among drunk young clubbers, she'll be dirty dancing with guys, they will go in for a kiss and if she is drunk and horny, she might give in. As far as taking a guy home...to WHERE? Don't teenagers live with their parents?

 

Well she's staying round her friends house the night she goes out so?

[Penguin_hugs]

Well she's staying round her friends house the night she goes out so?

 

Why would she take a guy back to a friend's house when everyone knows she is in a relationship? If I was her friend- I'd be reminding her about her boyfriend before anything happened.

 

If your girlfriend found out how little you trust her- I think she would be pretty upset. Not everyone in the world want's to cheat with the first person they come across that isn't their partner.

 

You need to calm down, curb your jealousy and let her do her own thing. She's going to feel really stifled and ditch you because of that reason if you don't calm down- not because she's cheating.

 

I don't say this to be mean- but relationships require trust. If you don't trust her in everyday life- it's not going to work.

 

To put it in to context- I live about 80 miles from my BF and I'm busy with Uni, he's busy with work. Instead of thinking- oh he's drinking he might cheat on me- every time he goes to the pub, I think oh I hope he has a good time- I trust him not to cheat on me and the thought doesn't come in to my head!

[forest97]

Now obviously i want her to go out and have fun, I do not want to stop and i have no right! But when she's going out with her girlfriends (who are mostly single) and is getting "smashed" before going out clubbing at her friends house party (which may or may not have weed) I want to know she's alright, like i don't want her drinks to get spiked or be too drunk to say no should guy approach. Would you consider grinding and dancing with guys as cheating? I would count kissing and things like that as cheating, and bringing a guy back to her friends house is! But there is no way to find out what happened to be honest, i just do not want to be lied to an hurt. Any advice on what to do?

[forest97]

Why would she take a guy back to a friend's house when everyone knows she is in a relationship? If I was her friend- I'd be reminding her about her boyfriend before anything happened.

 

If your girlfriend found out how little you trust her- I think she would be pretty upset. Not everyone in the world want's to cheat with the first person they come across that isn't their partner.

 

You need to calm down, curb your jealousy and let her do her own thing. She's going to feel really stifled and ditch you because of that reason if you don't calm down- not because she's cheating.

 

I don't say this to be mean- but relationships require trust. If you don't trust her in everyday life- it's not going to work.

 

To put it in to context- I live about 80 miles from my BF and I'm busy with Uni, he's busy with work. Instead of thinking- oh he's drinking he might cheat on me- every time he goes to the pub, I think oh I hope he has a good time- I trust him not to cheat on me and the thought doesn't come in to my head!

 

How would you suggest to do this, what can i do to not be jealous as much? Without sounding big headed but she really is beautiful and i care about her so much, hopefully she will not do anything and her friends should remind her. I've drank before, it just makes me talk loads haha, but how does it make you feel, like can you still think and things like that? I mean properly drunk

[calvincline47]

Yeah, I'm pretty sure she already cheated.

 

If I were you, I would find a way to make her a FWB (if that's what you want). Start talking to other women right now and transitioning your feelings over to them.

 

If you don't, you're gonna have a bad time.

[forest97]

Yeah, I'm pretty sure she already cheated.

 

If I were you, I would find a way to make her a FWB (if that's what you want). Start talking to other women right now and transitioning your feelings over to them.

 

If you don't, you're gonna have a bad time.

 

Like where or when do you think she cheated though?

[Penguin_hugs]

How would you suggest to do this, what can i do to not be jealous as much? Without sounding big headed but she really is beautiful and i care about her so much, hopefully she will not do anything and her friends should remind her. I've drank before, it just makes me talk loads haha, but how does it make you feel, like can you still think and things like that? I mean properly drunk

 

Everyone is different after drinking- personally I just get sleepy at first, and if I am out dancing then I might get a bit chattier. I don't drink to extremes because I don't like it. I still have self control. Even after drinking the most I ever have (like 6 shots and 4 cocktails- it was my 19th birthday) I still managed to ensure everyone got home safe. If she is in a group of people- everyone tends to look out for each other.

 

She says she is going to get "smashed" but currently she doesn't know what that means to her. Just advise her to go steady and stick with her friends.

 

With the jealousy- try to be rational- look at situations objectively. If it was you going out clubbing without your girlfriend- put yourself in her shoes. Should she be thinking "oh, I hope he doesn't cheat on me- there will be pretty girls there- something is bound to happen" etc?. Yet- you know that she would have trusted you- so trust her. She's with YOU for a reason.

 

With regards to the "grinding"- I guess it depends on her friends- usually my friends stick together in a group and if someone starts trying it on when it's unwanted- we just move a bit!

 

Haha I feel old now at 22- I haven't been to a club in 6 months, and the last time I went without my BF was around 14 months ago.

[forest97]

Everyone is different after drinking- personally I just get sleepy at first, and if I am out dancing then I might get a bit chattier. I don't drink to extremes because I don't like it. I still have self control. Even after drinking the most I ever have (like 6 shots and 4 cocktails- it was my 19th birthday) I still managed to ensure everyone got home safe. If she is in a group of people- everyone tends to look out for each other.

 

She says she is going to get "smashed" but currently she doesn't know what that means to her. Just advise her to go steady and stick with her friends.

 

With the jealousy- try to be rational- look at situations objectively. If it was you going out clubbing without your girlfriend- put yourself in her shoes. Should she be thinking "oh, I hope he doesn't cheat on me- there will be pretty girls there- something is bound to happen" etc?. Yet- you know that she would have trusted you- so trust her. She's with YOU for a reason.

 

With regards to the "grinding"- I guess it depends on her friends- usually my friends stick together in a group and if someone starts trying it on when it's unwanted- we just move a bit!

 

Haha I feel old now at 22- I haven't been to a club in 6 months, and the last time I went without my BF was around 14 months ago.

 

I see

 

Well she has been to plenty of house parties before and she drank a lot of alcohol mostly shots and spirits so i guess she's been smashed before, but is it any different at a club? And how would you say that to her, like just be safe? I don't want her drinks to get spiked or pass out or anything. She is wearing a massive 18 badge too, so she gets free drinks, and last night at the meal which her friends were there, she said its alright guys will buy you drinks...

 

I would never cheat and she never has anything to worry about in regards to that, but have a look at my first thread on here, that also doesn't help with the trust, but i still believe her to be honest.

 

She's coming out for my birthday in a few weeks time apparently, or at least i hope so which will be good, our groups of friends will get to meet, god help us haha!

[Clarence_Boddicker]

If she really loves you & is not a sociopath, she wont cheat. Simple as that. Dancing with guys is not cheating. Kissing is another thing. I know that when I'm in love with someone, I'd get offended if someone else tried to put their hands on me & kiss me.

[forest97]

If she really loves you & is not a sociopath, she wont cheat. Simple as that. Dancing with guys is not cheating. Kissing is another thing. I know that when I'm in love with someone, I'd get offended if someone else tried to put their hands on me & kiss me.

 

She says she does and she shows it to be honest, just worried about the effects of alcohol and the guys who go out clubbing, looking for girls and hitting on her. There will be no way to find out if she did either way so...

[I_Give_Up67]

Now obviously i want her to go out and have fun, I do not want to stop and i have no right! But when she's going out with her girlfriends (who are mostly single) and is getting "smashed" before going out clubbing at her friends house party (which may or may not have weed) I want to know she's alright, like i don't want her drinks to get spiked or be too drunk to say no should guy approach. Would you consider grinding and dancing with guys as cheating? I would count kissing and things like that as cheating, and bringing a guy back to her friends house is! But there is no way to find out what happened to be honest, i just do not want to be lied to an hurt. Any advice on what to do?

 

Forest, there is nothing you can do. Except trust her, until she gives you reason to do otherwise. Chill out young man. She will breakup with you if you continue to stress over her social life.

 

Though you may not be asking her all of these things directly, bet your life she can read between the lines when you're asking her about her plans. She will start seeing you as insecure and possibly even controlling.

[Penguin_hugs]

I see

 

Well she has been to plenty of house parties before and she drank a lot of alcohol mostly shots and spirits so i guess she's been smashed before, but is it any different at a club? And how would you say that to her, like just be safe? I don't want her drinks to get spiked or pass out or anything. She is wearing a massive 18 badge too, so she gets free drinks, and last night at the meal which her friends were there, she said its alright guys will buy you drinks...

 

I would never cheat and she never has anything to worry about in regards to that, but have a look at my first thread on here, that also doesn't help with the trust, but i still believe her to be honest.

 

She's coming out for my birthday in a few weeks time apparently, or at least i hope so which will be good, our groups of friends will get to meet, god help us haha!

 

If she has been drinking before then she will know her limits- but from what I have seen from a couple of friends- is it takes a few drunk occasions to learn them .

 

I wouldn't say drinking in a club is particularly different- if anything- I'd drink less- because you are buying drinks and it's an unfamiliar place. At house parties you are comfortable drinking around friends and therefore may drink more. If someone offers to buy you a drink- and they are doing it to chat more to you and you aren't interested- just say no thanks... This is all just an experience she needs to have- and you can't really predict what it will be like.

 

With regards to spiking drinks- I feel like it's talked about so much in school- people know not to put down a drink and go back to it. I'm pretty sure her parents will have all those kinds of conversations with her regardless! Mine did! (I got it from all angles, my Mum, my grandparents and my Dad via skype- and he lives abroad)

 

Maybe the evening she is going out- send her a text like "Hope you have a great night tonight- can't wait til I'm 18 so I can join in on the fun. Stay safe and if you get a chance send me a goodnight text once you are home :)"

 

I have been reading your other posts- and I feel like you being jealous is the main issue. Take it easy and don't smother her

[forest97]

If she has been drinking before then she will know her limits- but from what I have seen from a couple of friends- is it takes a few drunk occasions to learn them .

 

I wouldn't say drinking in a club is particularly different- if anything- I'd drink less- because you are buying drinks and it's an unfamiliar place. At house parties you are comfortable drinking around friends and therefore may drink more. If someone offers to buy you a drink- and they are doing it to chat more to you and you aren't interested- just say no thanks... This is all just an experience she needs to have- and you can't really predict what it will be like.

 

With regards to spiking drinks- I feel like it's talked about so much in school- people know not to put down a drink and go back to it. I'm pretty sure her parents will have all those kinds of conversations with her regardless! Mine did! (I got it from all angles, my Mum, my grandparents and my Dad via skype- and he lives abroad)

 

Maybe the evening she is going out- send her a text like "Hope you have a great night tonight- can't wait til I'm 18 so I can join in on the fun. Stay safe and if you get a chance send me a goodnight text once you are home :)"

 

I have been reading your other posts- and I feel like you being jealous is the main issue. Take it easy and don't smother her

 

I just really care about her and do not want to lose her, hopefully she won't go clubbing every weekend haha will miss our quiet nights in they are good! Think we are going to the same uni next year, which was weird but if we are both still together at least we won't be miles apart. You think a couple of occasions eh? she's a lightweight, aha it makes me laugh to be honest

[Penguin_hugs]

I know- which is why you need to give her freedom too to be herself- otherwise you will lose her.

 

Strange analogy I just thought off- Imagine you are holding an orange because you really like oranges and want to save the juice. You are around others who think oranges are nice but can see it's your orange. You are paranoid that someone else will take your orange so you squeeze it to hold on to it tightly. In the process the juice begins to escape. You don't want to lose it so you hold/ squeeze even tighter- in the process losing more of the juice. If you had just held on to the orange normally- you wouldn't have lost the juice.

 

I know that was weird- but do you get what I mean?

 

Personally I got tired of clubbing pretty quickly- but I had to experience it first to find that out. I went about 4/5 times in my first year of uni (I'm on an intense course which doesn't give me a lot of spare time), Usually would go once or twice in the holidays back home, 3/4 times in 2nd year, 3 times in 3rd and currently I have been once now in 4th year. I'd rather go to the pub with some friends for a chat, or I'm visiting my BF and we don't really go out like that- maybe the pub with friends. We've grown out of that- I'm 22 and he's 27.

 

What I am trying to say in a round about way- is that this is a new experience for both her and you- it's the shiny new thing that you want to play with constantly to begin with, but it dwindles.

 

Be careful not to let your jealousy get too much when you are at Uni too. Yes, you will be going to the same one- but it doesn't mean you have to see her every day. You need to both join your own societies, go out and make your own friends too.

[SoulCat]

Though you may not be asking her all of these things directly, bet your life she can read between the lines when you're asking her about her plans. She will start seeing you as insecure and possibly even controlling.

 

 

^^^^This^^^^

 

She is going to resent the fact that everytime she tries to spread her wings, all you do is trying to clip them.

[forest97]

I know- which is why you need to give her freedom too to be herself- otherwise you will lose her.

 

Strange analogy I just thought off- Imagine you are holding an orange because you really like oranges and want to save the juice. You are around others who think oranges are nice but can see it's your orange. You are paranoid that someone else will take your orange so you squeeze it to hold on to it tightly. In the process the juice begins to escape. You don't want to lose it so you hold/ squeeze even tighter- in the process losing more of the juice. If you had just held on to the orange normally- you wouldn't have lost the juice.

 

I know that was weird- but do you get what I mean?

 

Personally I got tired of clubbing pretty quickly- but I had to experience it first to find that out. I went about 4/5 times in my first year of uni (I'm on an intense course which doesn't give me a lot of spare time), Usually would go once or twice in the holidays back home, 3/4 times in 2nd year, 3 times in 3rd and currently I have been once now in 4th year. I'd rather go to the pub with some friends for a chat, or I'm visiting my BF and we don't really go out like that- maybe the pub with friends. We've grown out of that- I'm 22 and he's 27.

 

What I am trying to say in a round about way- is that this is a new experience for both her and you- it's the shiny new thing that you want to play with constantly to begin with, but it dwindles.

 

Be careful not to let your jealousy get too much when you are at Uni too. Yes, you will be going to the same one- but it doesn't mean you have to see her every day. You need to both join your own societies, go out and make your own friends too.

 

That is a strange analogy, but i do see what you're getting at! I should just say have a great night sort of thing, don't even mention what she shouldn't do (i.e guys) and just put all my trust in her? If anything does happen, i have to got to find out eventually right? I'm trying not to think about that, i am trying to think she will be having a good night with her friends for her birthday, and if a guy hits on her (which they probably will) then she will do the right thing and say no and should guys buy her drinks then hopefully it will not end in anything. Along the right lines of thinking or?

 

I know that, we will probably be busy doing our separate degrees, but we will still see each other, or i would like to think so.

 

I really am an idiot sometimes though, i can't help it :/

[Penguin_hugs]

That is a strange analogy, but i do see what you're getting at! I should just say have a great night sort of thing, don't even mention what she shouldn't do (i.e guys) and just put all my trust in her? If anything does happen, i have to got to find out eventually right? I'm trying not to think about that, i am trying to think she will be having a good night with her friends for her birthday, and if a guy hits on her (which they probably will) then she will do the right thing and say no and should guys buy her drinks then hopefully it will not end in anything. Along the right lines of thinking or?

 

I know that, we will probably be busy doing our separate degrees, but we will still see each other, or i would like to think so.

 

I really am an idiot sometimes though, i can't help it :/

 

The bolded bit times a million!

 

Yes put all your trust in her- she's a grown person who should know how to behave when in a relationship. Personally I'd be pretty annoyed if my BF had to REMIND me not to cheat on him! Cheating shouldn't even be a consideration in a healthy relationship